Title: Morning Musings

Author: Angie

Email: CSI Crime Scene Investigation does not belong to me, they are

the property of CBS, Alliance Atlantis, Jerry Bruckheimer and the wonderful

actors who portray them.

Author's Notes: And now the letter 'M'. Another letter down, only…14 more letters to go. That should only take me another year or so. I know I don't say it enough but thanks to those who review. I really appreciate it. This is another experimental fic for myself, it's first person, but goes back and forth on point of views. Hopefully it isn't too confusing. Many, many thanks to Marianne for the excellent beta.

Rating: R

Spoilers: None

Distribution: The GraveshiftCSI Homepage

I worked with him again today. We don't work together as often as we used to. I once asked Gil why he didn't want to work with me anymore. I think I may have shocked him with my question, but as far as I can tell he did give me a truthful answer. That was the first time I had learned exactly how much Gil thought of me. I mean, I always new he liked me. From the first moment we met we got along amazingly well. But Gil has never been one to compliment his co-workers, so when he actually does it really means something.

"You don't need me anymore, the others do."

The mixtures of emotions I felt when he told me that, the ones I still feel, confuse me. It was what I had always thrived for, to get recognition from Gil. Now I had that recognition; he had told me that I was good at my job, and it cost me the precious work time with him that I always craved.

It was a rare opportunity when we actually did work a case together after that moment. If I had known then that the question would have reduced the time we worked together even more I'd have remained quiet. When we do work together it's usually on a case that is so emotionally draining, so dark, that our energy is completely focused on the case at hand.

Those rare times when we did work together always left me jittery with tension. Sometimes it was just tension from the case, but usually it was sexual tension. I love flirting with him, and I love when he responds back. He doesn't always respond to me, which is part of my thrill…never knowing when I'll get a response from him.

I was definitely getting a response from him today. I had to control myself to not take things too far. And of course this left me the same way these encounters always did. Completely keyed up and unable to even think about going to sleep. I knew exactly what I needed to do. The only thing I've found that helps release my tension… well I know there's something else, but Gil and I have always gone home alone after one of these cases. I know exactly what would happen if we didn't, and I'm not sure he's ready for that…yet.

I don't know what I was thinking last night. Actually I know exactly what I was thinking, what I was wanting to feel. What I needed to feel. And I paired myself up with the only person that could make me feel alive and wanted.

I was paying the price now. Not that I didn't enjoy it, but the dreams I have after working with her always leave me craving more.

She asked me once why I stopped working with her. If I had been completely open with her at the time, things would definitely be different now. I know they would be different. I just don't know whether it would be better different or worse different. So I told her she didn't need me anymore. I'm not sure that was the best thing to say. Forensically speaking, she didn't need me. I have been watching her evolve for years. Watching over her, probably more then I should… but I couldn't help myself.

I need her though. It took me a long time to come to that realization. Once I did, I tried to assign her on more cases with me, but I also didn't want to look like I was playing favorites. It was a delicate line I was trying to balance on, one I knew I was going to fall off of soon if I didn't try something different.

I walk through my townhouse heading for my bedroom. Normally, after working an intense case like this with Catherine, I immediately head for the shower, letting the warm water ease the tensions that remained after working closely with her.

Maybe I needed to finally do something different.

I pull the sports bra over my head, before leaving the comfort of my bedroom. The only way I can get rid of this tension is to work up a good sweat. And without the object of my tension here, I'm left with pilates.

I hear the music start and slowly start stretching. Gil gave me this CD for my birthday back when we first met. Vivaldi. I have never been a big fan of classical music, but found myself pleasantly surprised when I first put in the disc. Pulling myself out of my memories, I step up my workout as I hear the song move to the next movement. I don't know why I listen to this as I'm working out. Or at least not on the mornings I'm trying to work out the tensions after working with Gil. I've tried changing to other music, but it just doesn't work for me. So I stick with "Four Seasons." I'm stuck listening to music that I know Gil picked out for me as I try to rid all of the pent up sexual energy he's built up in me.

I let my body move on automatic pilot, my muscles having memorized the routine by now. The case last night was weighing heavily on my mind. Well… not the case so much as the conversation between Gil and myself.

It started innocent enough. I simply asked Gil if he had ever thought about going to Tahiti. A simple question based on the fact that I was looking at the pictures on the wall as I dusted the frames for prints. And actually, his response was fairly innocent as well; it just led to a conversation that honestly would have gotten both of us fired for sexual harassment. Or at least made to go to one of those sensitivity seminars.

I feel my cheeks redden as I think back to the conversation. This line of thinking is definitely not helping. I think I may be more keyed up then I was before I started exercising. I open my eyes, looking at my currently upside down world, both literally and figuratively. I can't keep this up forever. I need to tell him exactly what he does to me.

I walk up to her door. I still don't know what I'm going to say, what I'm doing here. After talking to myself the entire drive to her house, I still haven't come up with the perfect answer to the question I know I'll hear.

"What are you doing here?"

Do I start with the truth? Do I try to just get an invite in the house first? I know she'll let me in; she always does. Even at times when she really shouldn't, she has never denied me access to her house, to her life. I raise my fist to the door, knocking firmly and wait for her to answer.

I'm shaken out of my memories by the sound of a knock at my door. Righting myself, I grab for the wall for a minute, letting the dizziness subside before heading for the door. I grab the towel on the way to the hallway, wiping the perspiration from my face. I open the door and freeze at the sight before me.

"Gil! What are you doing here?"

She said exactly what I expected her to say. At least I'm pretty sure she did. My mind was focusing more on what she was wearing as opposed to what she had actually said. I've always thought Catherine was a beautiful woman. Although I'm sure it would be hard to find anyone that would disagree with that assessment. I'm not sure that you actually can argue with that assessment. Catherine is a beautiful woman. It's a fact. But the vision that stood before me was taking my breath away. I could feel my mouth drop open, and as much as I tried my muscles wouldn't obey me. My eyes slipped downward and I took in the rest of her outfit. Or lack of outfit. The shorts she was wearing left little to the imagination, and mine had been working overtime anyway. The slight sheen of sweat on her body made her skin glisten, and I could feel my breathing pick up as I continued to stare. I slowly dragged my gaze back up her body, I know I shouldn't be doing this, but I can't help myself. My eyes lock on hers, and I can't quite describe what I am seeing in them. I open my mouth to speak… still not sure what I'm going to say.

"I like the outfit. Can I come in?"

Shit. I should have driven slower, spent more time thinking about what I was going to say. I definitely needed to come up with something better, although I'm sure that even if I had decided what to say before I knocked, the vision of Catherine in a sports bra and extremely short shorts would have immediately made my mind blank.

I smile at Gil. It's been a while since I've been looked at the way by a man. And I have to admit, I still enjoy it. I know I shouldn't get pleasure in the pure carnal look that Gil has on his face, but I love knowing that I put it there. That I was able to get this type of reaction out of a man that is so known for being able to control his emotions, that he comes off as having none, well that just makes the pleasure that much greater.

"I like the outfit. Can I come in?"

His words come out of his mouth and by the look on his face I know he said them first and heard them later. I take a step back from the doorway, making room for Gil to come into my home. I watch as he steps into the hallway and I shut the door behind him, leaning against the door after it's shut. Neither of us speak, both content to just watch the other for the time being. I clasp the towel in my hand tighter, beginning to feel uncomfortable with the silence between us. He had to have had a reason for coming here tonight, but I'm not sure he's going to say anything soon. The song switches into the next movement and we both turned our vision into the now empty living room.

"Vivaldi. I gave you that."

I nod and walk past him into the living room, heading to the stereo to turn it off. "I was just working out. Did you need something?"

"You."

I feel my head whip around before my mind can comprehend what I'm doing. I study his face, still confused by his words. "What do you mean, you need me?"

This was my chance. I have to tell her what I feel. What conclusions I came to earlier this evening. This was my opportunity to do something different and I need to take this chance.

"Do you remember a few years ago, when you asked me why I didn't assign you to work with me anymore? I told you it was because you didn't need me anymore. I lied to you."

I stop and look at her face, trying to gauge her emotions. So far so good, she doesn't look like she's going to throw me out.

I'm too shocked to react. I was just thinking earlier this morning that Gil has never lied to me, and now he's telling me that he has. I don't respond. I want to know what he has to say to me next. What he is thinking as he's telling me this.

"I should have told you that the reason I didn't assign you to work with me anymore was because I need you. I was scared of becoming to dependant on you. But pushing you away isn't the answer. I… well, I just need you."

I inhale quickly. Still trying to comprehend everything he just told me. Trying to get into my mind that this is Gil's way of telling me he loves me and wants to be with me. I smile. I can't help it. I'm still shocked, but my smile keeps growing. He wants me. I haven't been delusional; my feelings are reciprocated.

I walk to Gil, to my dream… watching his breath quicken as I get closer to him. "I need to go hop in the shower, get some of this sweat off of me." I walk past him and get to the staircase before I turn around.

I watch her walk past me, slightly brushing my arm as she goes by. I know I have a stupid grin on my face, but I can't help it. She feels the same. I know she does and words aren't necessary, her smile tells me everything.

"Want to join me?"

I lied. Again. Words may not have been necessary, but I think the grin on my face just broke out into the cheesiest smile ever seen. I don't answer, just kick off my shoes and barely contain myself from running to her. Different is definitely good.