"Maintenance"

As the drone scuttled through the many recesses of the alien hive, it listened intently for any notification of its next job…

"DAMMIT!"

And there it was, one angry outburst that meant yet another labouring task. Clicking its tongue with impatience, the drone scurried off towards the origin of the sound/ as it rounded the corner, its invisible ears picked-up more than it deemed necessary.

"Queendammed stupid, worthless piles of crap!" a voice, definitely a soldier's by the harshness of the tone, exclaimed in angry indignity. "Don't know why we haven't annihilated all of them already!"

"Human-trouble?" the drone sighed as it rounded the corner on the ranting soldier xenomorph. "Nothing a little mutilation can't fix…"

"Who said anything about humans?" the soldier gave a miffed tilt of his elongated head. "They're easily dealt with."

"Then what seems to be the problem…?"

"These damn Vending Machines!" the soldier hissed, batting its spiked tail against the illuminated cover of a drinks dispenser. "I finally managed to scavenge enough quarters from the corpses of Marines to get me a can of Diet Coke with Lemon, and what happens? This rusty retard goes and eats them!"

"Again?" the drone sighed as he pulled a toolbox out of a hole in the side of the hive wall. A badge melded onto his hardened black chest by his own acidic blood read: "My Name is Melvin, and I'm the Maintenance Drone on Duty Today." Tutting, Melvin set the tools on the floor, opening the box up. "Have you tried ripping the whole thing open?"

"No," the soldier muttered as it turned back to the drinks machine, flexing his claws eagerly. "Am I allowed to…?"

"No," Melvin replied curtly, "I just can't find the bloody keys…ah! Here they are!"

Unlocking the front of the drinks machine, Melvin examined the sales log. "Hmm, that's odd," he whispered as he double-checked the logs. "It registered your purchase here, see? And it says it dispensed a Diet Coke with Lemon…yep, there's one less in the rack. That can only mean that…er, did you actually put your claws down there and pull the can out?" He pointed to the flap at the bottom of the machine.

"What?" the soldier alien stepped back in amazement. "The drinks come out of there? I thought that was where the thing crapped!"

"It's a machine, it's non-organic, it's not ali –"

"Uurrrp 'Scuse me!"

…

"Did that just come from the machine?" Melvin asked with disbelief.

"Yes," the soldier growled, crouching down on his haunches and shoving a clawed hand into the flap, where something squealed indignantly. "But it wasn't the machine…it's Hamish!"

"Ach! Cannae ye noo leave a doomed facehugger ta die happy?!" the little alien that was clutched in the soldier's hand bellowed with its tiny voice. "I dinnae have long ta live!"

"Hamish!" Melvin scolded hotly as he slammed his toolbox shut angrily. "That's where you ran off to! The Queen put us on alert for an AWOL facehugger, but I never dreamed it would be you! Why aren't you incubating a carrier?"

"Ach, but I was, laddie!" the tiny thing squealed. "Or, at least I was tryin' ta! I swear I was tryin' ta incubate a can o' Coke!"

"Liar!" the soldier snapped, squeezing the facehugger. "You were drinking my Diet Coke with Lemon…see?" it announced outraged as it retrieved the empty can. "Not a drop left!"

"Jus' makin' sure there was a'nuff space for that wee chest-burster, so I was!" the facehugger sqeaked, before belching loudly and cheering itself on.

"You're drunk!" Melvin accused. "Go and incubate a rat or something, before you put all xenomorphs to shame and make me not look where I'm treading!"

At this threat the facehugger leapt out of the soldier's grasp and scurried away to oblige, tail dragging in shame.

"And you owe me six quarters!" The soldier bellowed after it, before stomping off to relieve its anger on some unlucky Marine patrols.

Melvin sighed in sheer wonder, and reached for a can of Sprite…

"Melvin to Hive Corridor 3-1-3, please…Melvin to 3-1-3."

Now it was Melvin's turn to shout: "DAMMIT!"

Interesting Alien Facts.

1) Facehuggers have to incubate within 24-hours of hatching from their eggs.

2) Facehuggers can get drunk on carbonated water.

3) Some facehuggers prefer to die drunk than die incubating, which they refer to as "puking their guts up into some other poor sod."

4) Facehuggers particularly like Diet Coke with Lemon…well, someone has to.