Disclaimer : All Harry Potter things are copyright of the one and only JK Rowling. All the Fairy Tales are owned by whoever wrote them first... which wasn't me. Thank you ever so very much. I just put two and two together and got fifty-two. o.O Odd sort of math, I know... but yes... I own NOTHING.
Fairy Tale Theatre: The Harry Potter Edition
Masterpiece the Second
The Gingerbread Wizard
Just in case you haven't been following... the original version of the little gingerbread boy is just a bunch of nonsense. I'm going to tell you exactly what happened... and how...
x x x x x
Once upon a time, there was an old man and a woman who lived in a small cottage. The woman, her name was Molly, was considered the best cook in all the land. No matter how much happiness her cooking brought her, there was something missing in her life. She and her husband Arthur had no children of their own.
"Since when am I considered old and without children?"
... And ... now see here! I can't have you interrupting me throughout the story. Just go with what I say...
Even though they had no children, the elderly Weasleys ("Hmph!") were famous throughout the land for their marvelous cooking skills. One day, Molly decided to bake a batch of cookies. As she was cutting the dough, she decided to make a large cookie, in the shape of a boy.
It was silly, of course, but since Molly had no children, she thought that she would name the gingerbread cookie just for fun. While it baked in the oven, she thought long and hard about what name to use. She had a few names ready, but decided on picking one as soon as she decorated the cookie. As she opened the oven door, a flash of brown escaped form the oven and hopped on top of the stove.
"Merlin!" Molly gasped.
"I don't like that name," the gingerbread boy shouted at Molly.
Then a small shouting match ensued where the gingerbread cookie boy kept dismissing every name Molly thought of naming him. Finally they both decided on one name that they both liked... Percy.
"WHAT!"
... Oh, fine. Fine, fine, fine ...
They both decided on a name that they both liked... Ron. Ron smiled up at his new mother and jumped to give her a hug. However, the jump he made was not a very good one, considering gingerbread cookie boys can't jump very far. He landed with a crunch on the floor; and Molly saw that both of his cookie arms had crumbled off.
"I must cook more!"
... But ... you're going to fix Ron. Don't try changing the story!...
"I'll cook two more gingerbread cookies in the shape of boys. Just in case one decides to jump and break off his legs." Molly cried, obviously ignoring the narrator.
... Now I have to change the title to make it plural. Oh, well. It doesn't really matter...
Molly patched Ron together first, using a sugar-based paste and then set to work. As soon as she was done, out popped two gingerbread boys. They hopped on top of the table and did a very odd sort of dance. When they were finished they paused in a pose and looked directly at their new mother.
"Gred and Forge!" The two gingerbread boys screamed together.
"What kind of names are those? No, you will be Fred and George." Molly then hugged both of them and placed them on the floor.
Now, this was not the wisest thing for Molly to do. As soon as they touched the floor, they ran straight to the door. The scurried out into the great wild wizarding country, with not even a glance behind their shoulders.
Molly tried to chase after them, but realized that they were too fast.
"Mum, I'm sure they'll come back," Ron tried to reassure his mother.
"Haven't you ever heard the original tale?" Molly cried out. "I must bake more... I'll name them Charlie, Bill, and Ginny."
... Don't bother. I have to follow the two gingerbread wizards... plural...
And so as the Weasleys took the gingerbread boys flight to heart, the two boys were having a wonderful time getting into lots of mischief.
After they left The Burrow, Fred and George kept running until they reached a dairy farm.
"A dairy farm? Mate, you've got to be kidding me?" Fred placed his little gingerbread hand on his little gingerbread hip.
... That's the first place you go according to the story, Fred...
"Why can't it be like a chicken farm?" George shrugged as he looked up at the large, Tonks Dairy Farm sign.
"Are you mental?" Fred knocked his brother upside his gingerbread head. "Do you want to be pecked into oblivion?"
"So? That's better than being dunked in a big vat of milk!"
"Er... no?"
... Are you both quite finished? ...
"Yes," the two gingerbread wizards smiled.
So, the gingerbread boys came to a dairy farm. As they looked around they bumped into the calf of one of the milk maids. She glanced down and with a hearty laugh, bent down to try and grab them. For she had a great hunger for gingerbread that had suddenly risen inside of her. In her quest to have a gingerbread snack, she took on the help of all the milk maids at the dairy farm.
Fred and George realized that the situation was not a good one. So, they-
"So, we sing..." Fred looked at his brother and then they both began to sing at the very same time.
"We run, we run, as fast as we can, because we're the gingerbread... wait. What rhymes with 'can'?"
... I have the correct rhyme if you would like me to tell the story. Interruptions only slow us down, you know...
The two gingerbread boys fled the scene of the insane milk maids, all the while singing, "We've ran away from mum and our old man. And we can run away from you! Oh, yes we can!"
And, so they ran as fast as they could away from death by mastication.
Fred giggled with his new gingerbread throat, "Mastication."
"We have to run some more?" George scratched his gingerbread chin with his gingerbread finger.
... Unless you want me to eat you both and end my horrid attempts at trying to tell the story...
The two gingerbread boys ran as fast as they could until they came to a large field. The field was lush and green and many farm animals were grazing in this glorious field. Fred and George paused and bounded up to the nearest creature to introduce themselves. However, the nearest creature was a ravenous horse. The horse took one glance at them and decided that she wanted to chew them up.
However...
"We know," Fred and George called together as they began to run away from the extremely hungry horse. Their monotonous tones filled the air as they ran, "We've ran away from mum and our old man, and a bunch of old milk maids. And we can run away from you, munching on grass blades!"
... Bit more jollier during the next verse, please...
"You try running and singing." Fred huffed and puffed as his little gingerbread legs took him quickly away.
As the two ran, they came to the edge of a forest. During their short travels, a Phoenix had been watching them and had hoped that they would come close to her so that she could gobble them up for her dessert.
... Boys?...
"We've run away from mum and our old man, the milk maids, and a horse. And we can run away from you, of course!"
And, so, again they ran. They ran deeper into the forest, confusing the Phoenix, and escaping death yet again. George nearly fell into a river, but Fred saved him before he became a soggy gingerbread brother.
"We've ran away from mum and our old man, the milk maids, a horse, and a bird. And we can jump right over you, yes sir!" They cried as they hopped over the river without getting the least bit soggy.
As they were laughing about their good fortune, they both ran nose first into a fox.
"Ah, young masters," the fox's soothing voice filled the air. "What lovely gumdrop buttons you have."
Fred's eyes opened wide as he nudged his brother with his gingerbread elbow. "Wait... I know what happens next."
"You do?" George asked incredulously. "Did you jump the gun during the read through?"
"No... well, yes... I mean... it doesn't matter!" Fred screamed as the fox licked his lips. "We're about to be eaten!"
"WHAT?" George screamed, his little licorice mouth opened in a wide horrific 'O'. "STOP THE STORY!"
... What is it now?...
"Can't we just run around some more and escape from other things?" George blinked, a small sugary tear leaking from his chocolate kiss eye.
... I thought you didn't want to run around. Besides, what's the point of delaying the story anymore? We all know the fate of the gingerbread boy... er... boys. You're going to get eaten and we're all going to learn a great moral lesson...
"Which is?" George crossed his little gingerbread arms.
... I don't remember, but that's not the point, either. You're annoying the readers! Just get eaten already!...
"Why couldn't we have just fallen and broken off our arms like Ron?" Fred muttered.
... You'll still be broken. Just in tinier, soggier pieces...
"Yeah, well, I don't fancy being fox poop." George huffed as his little gingerbread fingers tapped against his gingerbread arm.
... You were the ones who ran away from home, you know...
"Ah, so that's the catch is it?" Fred's face lit up. "Gingerbread wizards who run away from home get eaten by foxes, eh?"
... I dunno. I'm just reading the story...
"So, what if we go home, then?" Fred placed a gingerbread hand on his brother's gingerbread shoulder.
And, so the gingerbread twins didn't get eaten, because they ran all the way home as fast as they could. In fact, they ran home much like the little pig that went, "Wee, wee, wee!" all the way home. But, that little pig is not important to the story, and neither is the fact that the gingerbread boys were saying, "Wee, wee, wee."
What is important is that the fox never got to gobble them up, and that their mother got to have all of her gingerbread children back at home.
So, there it is. The Gingerbread Wizards didn't get eaten, because they realized that home is a lot better than being eaten by a fox. That is the tale. No more... no less... but a masterpiece in it's own right.
x x x chapter end x x x
Author's Note : Well that was odd, no? Thanks to FRITZ (I loffs you!) for giving me the idea to have the characters not like how the story was going. I think I might follow this type of pattern throughout all the stories. I know a few won't be written that way because I've already written them, and I think they are okay like they are, but they'll be few and far between.
If you read, please review. I'd love to know what you think.
Masterpiece the Third:
Master Gives Me Clothes