Of Knights and Princesses

By: smeagol the neophyte

Disclaimer: Dun own, dun hurt…

A/N: This thing was written through the views/thoughts blah of Fuuko… Goodness knows what goes on in that head of her's…

I am the knight and she is the princess

That is their how they see things. And because of that I feel this way.

Envy.

I felt it surge through me the very first time I met her. She was so perfect, so beautiful… So everything that I could only hope to achieve. She was a princess, some thing I could never have been. She was his princess, the one thing I had hoped to be ever since childhood. I fought him, ever since I could remember, and every time I did, I lost. No matter how hard I trained, no matter how hard I tried, nothing ever happened. It was always the same, I never won, and I never could. And when he willingly made her his princess, my pride was crushed. Everything I worked hard for went up in smoke… All those years of humiliation, defeat, and hardship, wasted. And it was all because of her.

When I first saw her I resented her. How could he have given in to her? When I worked so hard for him? He chose her over me and it really hurt.

That's when the jealousy began to flourish, taking over my better judgment, and eating away at my abused feelings.

I never really did hate her, it was all just jealousy, maybe even bitterness, but I could never hate her. I was just angry that it was she that he chose as his princess. Kind, beautiful, smart, graceful, gentle… Everything that I wasn't, and couldn't possibly be. She was, there was no other word for it… Perfect. It was killing me.

When the Hokage was formed, again she was the center of it all. She was the one we were all fighting to protect.

She was the princess of our group, and I once again had been shoved aside. I was immediately considered as one of her knights. I was compelled to safeguard her with complete disregard of my own life. I didn't mind it though, I couldn't. By then I had accepted his love for her and had gotten over my infatuation with him. But that still didn't stop me from feeling the envy I had first felt when I met her.

The UBS came and we participated in it. Although we each had our own 'personal' reasons, our main purpose was to protect her, the princess. And as I knight, I couldn't object. I plunged into every battle pretending to believe that I was fighting for myself, but who was I kidding? It was her, all for her. Like a knight would a princess.

Uncertainty.

I was unsure. Unsure of myself. I knew that I wanted to hate her, wallow in my self-pity, and the like. But I couldn't. It was too much.

The 'ideal' I had formulated would only crumble away, leaving myself vulnerable to my vile wishes. My only concept, the only salvation I could hang on to for dear life was giving away.

A knight must be strong to protect the princess.

That was my only ideal. The very thing I had forced myself to perceive, and to recognize for the sake of the Hokage and her. But no matter how hard I clung on to it, it was disintegrating right there and then, as the uncertainty grew.

Her stature was so unattainable, I couldn't possibly reach it. Although I did dream about it, I wasn't sure I really wanted to have it. How could I? I was tomboyish, ungraceful, loud, rough… in short a boy. A boy gone wrong. I had told myself once that my life would have been easier if I had been a boy. But then I had always been the biggest mistake.

I feared myself. But I always had a masochistic streak in me. There was no denying it. I wanted to let the bitterness to hurt me, consume me and leave me to agonize alone. It had to go, but it wouldn't. And that thrilled my inner masochist.

Longing.

I wanted one thing though. Out of everything. And that was the attention they were showering her with. I know it may sound weird coming from me, but she really isn't the only female in the group. It crushed me that most of them were so in love with her. They all fought and fawned over her. And it made me feel the most insignificant.

Oh how I wanted to take up her place. But I'd most likely mess up had I been there. Besides I was a knight. How could I ever be someone like her?

And then she decided to befriend a mistake, a knight, her protector, me. I felt angry and grateful at the same time, and I was torn… I accepted it any way, thinking if I couldn't be someone like her then I could at least be a friend to her. But the jealousy doubled, tripled even, because by being a friend to her, I would always see her perfectionThe princess in her.

The jealousy fed off the pain I harbored, and like a weed it grew in my heart suffocating all the good will in me. Tainting it blacker than it already was. I felt like an ingrate, a bitch. I felt too filthy to even be near some one like her. And it was as though I was faking the friendship she had extended to me. But at the same time I was frustrated that she even bothered to do what she had done.

It made me sick.

I really hate envying her, it hurt me so much. But the masochist that I was, was enjoying the perverse agony that I felt. Every pang of jealousy that reverberated through me, only served to slash through the chaotic din of my soul.

It disturbed me that some inner side of me was enjoying it very much, and that some where inside me craved this twisted need to torture my self more.

I wanted release to the bitter in me and stop fighting for her. But I couldn't, that would have been to selfish of me, too heartless… But I was dying inside already.

But knights could never do that to their princess. Never.

… … SweetbabyJesus she sound obsessed… Ah well, this is the product of being bored + bac-O high + sugar high + hyper + insane eviiiil-obsessed-story-a-majiger-thingy-muh-bob

Please review! And flames will be most welcome! SweetbabyJesus I'm still high…. I am sincerely sorry if you wasted your time reading this… yeah I know it's a waste of … stuff…. Bleh SORRY! Oh and CONSTRUCTIVE CRITISIM is very much needed…. Unedited and unchecked because I'm lazy. Very lazy.

Soy el Rey de a perezoso! Ohohohoho! Tener mi pereza! Wehew. I hope I got that sentence right…. Soy loco… muy loco. Yo soy mas loco que otros gente…? Might me a one shot, or I might put chapter-lets. It depends on what muh review say.. wehew!