Written By: Riaki
Concept Created By: Riaki / Kaisuke
Beta-Reader(s): Shiori / Kaisuke
Author's Notes: A mixture of philosophy, angst, and romance. Then a tad bit of fluff on the side. See if ya like it.
Disclaimer: Ragnarok Online and all references related to it are the property of Gravity. AA (Anbu's Analogy) claims no ownership of it.
Semi-Copyright: All character personalities (as well as the concept behind this story) have been created by AA and can not be directly used without requesting permission from the original author of this story. So, basically… Don't rip my isht, bish. .
A Love Worth Fearing.
To fear fear was irony in itself.
He lived every day this way. He never feared except when he feared, and then he feared the emotion more than he feared his reason for fearing.
It was difficult to go through life being tormented by something you had to feel.
More or less, though, the events of horror were few and far in between. Years of bloodshed had instilled some type of sanity amidst the chaos, and he learned he couldn't fear that which he had learn to know so well.
It was, then, the unknown that he was endlessly avoiding.
But sometimes you weren't allowed to run from every instance in which you didn't understand. In order to gain an experience, you must first experience the new. And nothing in life could go forever untouched if it was something you were endlessly capable of. Hate had been accepted by the man; depression, he'd had a fleeting glance. But it was the richness of life, the love, purity and happiness, that he had yet to contemplate, understand, and revel within. And so it was this that he feared and lacked, though he never knew of his fear of it for he'd never experienced it…
But changes hail as Gods, and Gods choose moments lacking in preparation. And such a lack of readiness was evident in the present.
It had been a simple story. Boy meets girl, girl meets boy; for awhile, they think it means nothing. But then fate comes calling, and something uncontrollable takes place. Sometimes you love it, adore it. Sometimes you drown yourself in it. And sometimes, you do not.
"Why do you hate it?"
It was a question spawned from the endless days that both had spent longing, one knowingly and one not so. One remained ignorant and willfully, too; the other wished for better times, knowing what was possible. And it was the latter that questioned the first, melodic voice full of innocent forgiveness.
His lip twitched at the question, but slightly; "Because hate is something I know."
And the whole idea was born again in his words. What he knew, he loved; what he didn't, he feared. And because he feared the sense of fear so passionately, he naturally feared the emotion in itself, and found himself refusing to go forth knowledgably into any instance in which he might expose himself to such a notion.
If he feigned as if the unknown didn't exist, then he would have nothing to fear, therefore ripping any sense of fearing something from his self.
There was a flaw to his plan. While he denied things endlessly, infinitely, they still existed. Dwelling beneath the surface of the flesh, beating restlessly within the heart, it was there; the love etched all over the organ for the girl with the singing voice and the content disposition, one who spoke to him as if he was everything in the world yet telling him, with each phrase given and each word spoken, that she forever expected the same of him. Never once entirely handing herself, yet giving it all the same, she was everything and nothing, and anything at all, and he loved that about her, but he never really knew it, because his denial was everlasting, and his falsified fear was hidden 'til then.
Endless.
She would challenge him about it, sometimes. The words were quickly dropped, almost stealthily. He wouldn't know that the challenge had arisen until it was already set into motion, and by then, it was too late. And such a time was one of the 'now', in which logic became the toy that she stabbed forward with.
Cut in with love.
"Why do you fear love?"
His voice was stoic; his answer, simple. "Because I've never experienced it."
"But if you never experience it, you can never learn to accept it. Do you want to hide your fear for forever?"
He was uncomfortable now, and he ignored the second piece of her phrase. "I suppose my fear is forever."
The logic had collapsed, yet it was there just the same, simply denied once more by the man with a fear of fear. However, somewhere, he knew what she was really saying. Her true words boiled beneath the surface, speaking of what she already knew, and what she knew he was aware of as well. It just came down to someone admitting something, and she was waiting, forever. Still waiting.
And maybe, she would wait for years.
Years in which the world would age around them, and suns would set and moons would rise, and the cycle would repeat itself forever, for life could go on without them, even if a heart was frozen in place. Frozen, just as he was; that which he never experienced remained as such, his fears forever discarding that which led them to rise within the pit of his stomach. Turning away changes, turning away differences, and he was the same, looked the same, thought the same… But she was ever changing.
And life showed its true colors.
Years later. Life had treated her beautifully; she always had the gift of understanding for she had always accepted it. Life had given nothing to him other than the gift of endless fatigue, and as the days brushed by the too-familiar rags of clothing and the stone-cold mindset that never faltered, he eventually began to tire.
One day, he stopped running.
He found her again. They were reunited, sitting as lovers would, beneath a starlit sky. Words had yet to be exchanged, yet the familiar ambience was there, saddened as always. Something had been between them ever since the emotions had emerged, and it remained, never faltering. A gray wall composed of stone.
And he sought to break through it.
"I've always loved you."
His words were spoken, for once, without hesitation. He didn't look to her, never averting his gaze from the hollowed moon that reached out shards of luminescent light towards the two. He would await her response.
A soft smile; "I know."
They remained there in silence for a bit longer, allowing the odd peace of the moment to stretch between them. He eventually spoke again, this time with a slight tone of hesitation to his voice.
"Is there… a possibility?" Asking if whether there was still a chance, after all these years, for both to finally make their feelings exist. No longer simply within the barred jails of the mind, but instead bursting out into the physical world, forever lasting…
Her smile faltered, but remained. "Love…"
A newly established title. He felt his heart rise, thudding within his chest, realizing that she spoke of him. However, she continued…
"…I believe that time is unkind to us."
And from there, he fell. A shattering, then a rise of anger, clouding his chest as his throat clamped shut. He felt suffocated; the words that pulled themselves from his lips were strained and painful.
"You won't accept me now?"
She shook her head slowly, the same sad smile on her face that was slowly driving him mad. She turned to look at him now, and her eyes seemed oddly bright in the moonlight. "If only I could."
His expression was one of confusion as she slowly reached towards him. Fingertips extended delicately, and one moved to brush along his arm… But then a cooled chill rushed through his body, his spine tingling horrendously. And he realized that she had passed through him…
…And it was only she that remained opaque.
A choking gasp, and his eyes wildly darted down to his own form, crazed. Now half insane with confusion, he jerked forward, as if to grab her wrist; his own hand seemed to silhouette over it, leaving a ghost of a shadow as he discovered he could not even feel her flesh directly, but rather, felt miniscule bursts of warmth. His hand was immaterial.
"Why-…!"
Her eyes lifted towards his, locking; his were half-crazed with horror, and hers now seeped with tears. He realized, with dawning dismay, that it wasn't only her own sadness that touched her gaze, but also one of sympathy.
"And now you know."
A howling scream burst from his lips, and as he sought to rise, his form suddenly shook, thundering. Lights darted across his body, and shadows reigned over his figure… And within seconds, with a final gasp of breath and a whispered voice that caught in the air, he was gone. And only his love remained.
She turned away slowly, eyes returning to that of the moon. They ran over with tears that had remained unshed for years; she had awaited this moment, and several years worth of pain had been released. Finally, perhaps he knew… And perhaps, it was complete. He had reached an understanding, yet through horror…
And reassurance was a gentle wind that touched along her skin, pressing breaths of air to tilt against the ear.
"Thank you. I will wait for you…"
His voice, soon lost in the clutches of air, was devoid of its previous insanity, its stoic emotion. It was, rather, something that warmed her heart.
And five days later she followed him to the end.
Later, people would ask of the legend. It was revealed that the man's denials became his truth, and that he was forever denying that which he didn't know. He had denied love for years, so it became a bitter nothingness; he also had denied death, for he had never experienced the black gates before, and just as well.
He remained on Rune-Midgard as a haunting apparition, never quite aware of his own ghostly state, and never fully comprehending of those about him. He never fully understood the sudden chills he experienced throughout the night, never comprehended the pale bleakness that inhabited his skin. Rather, he immersed himself in living what he knew, running from fear at every corner and hoping to discover something beyond it.
And when he stopped running, death caught up with him. And death, whom had accepted him from the beginning, realized that the long wait was over. Death took him in with crescent-bladed arms as the truth was uttered from the lips of the only one that the man had loved; his years of endless wandering had ended.
And yet, within such a tragic end, he had found happiness.
Love was something he no longer denied. The feeling washed over him completely as he was dragged to the indefinite end; his sorrows branched upwards once more, regretting that which he'd never done, which he never admitted. But in the moment of glistening regret, he found something sustained within himself that warmed his lifeless body, his soul alighting upon a towering column; an infinite hope, and a knowledge that he could wait for her for forever.
She came to him, five days later.
The rest we can only assume, but some have said that they live endlessly together now. Love lasts forever unto death, and their souls are forever entwined. It's been suggested that if you sit on the same crescent cliff that they did, on the same night beneath the same sky, that you will be overpowered by a feeling of tragedy, depression, but quickly risen with a realization of love and infinite hope. A rumor has been given that they look down upon you, and realize the same.
That perhaps their life's end can bring about a revival of another.
And each person that sits atop that cliff turns away with something forever embedded within, and the hope rings true within each mind…
Love is something that they never again deny, for they learn; to fear is to live, and to live, to love, and life without love is nothing.
"To fear love is to fear life, and those who fear life are already three parts dead."
Bertrand Russell.