Back to the Beginning Chapter 33: Harder to Breathe, a sweep fanfic

Disclaimer: Here's a list of things I don't own: Sweep, the Maroon 5 song that the chapter's named after, and any of Cate Tiernan's characters. I don't own Iceland either, but I'm working on that ;) I mean, who wouldn't want to own Iceland? That, plus Reykjavik is just fun to say. Reykjavik, Reykjavik, Reykjavik … wow, what am I saying? Geez, I need to control this babbling impulse … anyway, here's the review thanks and the story. Review!

Taintedpromises: Yup, it was a quote from Buffy. I'm sorry … I just love it so much ;) I watch all of my DVDs, like, obsessively. That and Tru Calling. Did that ever air in the UK? It's sooo good! But then they cancelled it :growls: I was so angry … but anyway, yes, this does take place after Book 14, but it's sort of an alternate version of Full Circle. Just pretend that Morgan never went to Scotland. She's still in Widow's Vale.

MIDNIGHT-PIXIE: I'm a sophomore too :D Sorry about you being sick. I had a horrible case of bronchitis this winter, ironically over winter break. Yeah, that sucked. Lol, but have fun in Oregon! I wish it was still our spring break (it was over, like, two weeks ago). I could so use a break right about now. My classes are killing me :( Oh, well. Have fun in Oregon and review when you get back!

Raynornlimegreen: Lol, I don't know what I would do if one of my brothers died. If I had the option to talk to them like Morgan does, I'd probably take it. They irritate me to no end right now, but I'd miss having them as punching bags if they should ever die ;) Not that I ever do things like that, of course … :silence: Lol, no, really, I love them … I guess … deep down. Very deep down, but nonetheless … lol, and definitely look for Hunter to have a few choice words to say to Morgan about this.

unique-deflection: Hehe, yup, Morgan is bad ;) I wonder how long that'll last. Here I am updating! Sorry it's taken so long :embarrassed silence:

Part XXXIII: Harder to Breathe

How dare you say that my behavior's unacceptable?
So condescending, unnecessarily critical
I have the tendency of getting very physical
So watch your step
Because if I do, you'll need a miracle

Morgan

The first thought that crossed my mind the next morning when I woke up was a memory of the previous night. I groaned and rolled over in bed, effectively tangling myself even more in my blankets, and drew the comforter over my head. Warm light was pouring in through my window, and it was time for me to be getting up. I wanted to stay in bed longer, wallowing in my frustration; I couldn't believe that, after all that, I still hadn't been able to open the bith dearc.

I knew that if Hunter knew what I was doing he would flip out. But conjuring up a bith dearc wasn't against the law or anything; it wasn't forbidden by the council. It was frowned upon, yes, but not forbidden. I knew that it was dangerous and risky, but considering I hadn't even gotten close to figuring out the ritual anyway, I figured it didn't really matter.

Finding the spell to open one had proved harder than I thought it would be. I had only found a few websites on the internet that even mentioned a bith dearc. Most were in passing and the few that might have had a ritual were probably laden with viruses; after my dad's threat that neither Mary K nor I would ever see living daylight again if we destroyed yet another computer system with viruses, I knew I was out of luck there. Unfortunately, a store like Practical Magick would never stock books that would tell someone how to open a portal to the other realms—it was pointedly black magick, and it wasn't as if I could ask Alyce Fernbrake, the store's manager, to special order me a book about black magick. I brushed this thought of dark magick off with uneasiness; I had to talk to Mike. That was what was important here. I wasn't hurting anyone, so there couldn't be anything wrong with it. In my head, I heard a little voice that sounded oddly like Hunter berating me for dismissing such an obvious violation of the Wiccan Rede. I just shook my head. No one was getting hurt, I repeated to myself. How could it be dangerous if no one was getting hurt?

But I'm hurting, I thought as I swallowed the small lump that had risen in my throat. I'm hurting and if I can somehow do this then I won't be anymore. The thought of not being able to talk to my brother, never being able to communicate with him at least once more, just to tell him what I was feeling about the huge weights that seemed to have settled in my chest, was too much. That couldn't happen.

With a sigh, I dragged myself out of bed and into the bathroom to brush my hair. I would try the ritual again tonight. Maybe I wouldn't have to get it exactly right to be able to open one. Maybe the snippets of chants and incantations that I had managed to find would be enough to do it. I purposely shoved all thoughts of magick and Wicca and the bith dearc from my mind; that was one world, and it was time to get ready to face another.

One thing that was bothering me, though, was the incense that I needed. One of the websites that I had visited had said that, for many spells like opening a bith dearc, some kind of opium-based incense was best. It supposedly aided in softening the separation between dimensions and different levels of reality by doing what opium does best—acting as a hallucinogen. I had been slightly worried about this; I didn't want to get high or anything in the middle of the cemetery and collapse right there on the ground or go do something equally stupid. With a determined sigh, however, I knew that I had to get that incense. I had already looked at Practical Magick, and Alyce didn't keep anything of the sort in stock. I knew that Hunter had some at his house, though; he had confiscated a whole packet of illegal incenses and drugs from a magick raid he had gone on with some members of the New York City council squad in May. Sky was supposed to send them off to London University to be analyzed, but as far as I knew, she had forgotten what with the hustle and bustle of our trip.

Hopefully neither of them would be home if I stopped by that afternoon. I could just sneak in, take what I need, and leave without them ever knowing. I sighed; what had I gotten myself into? But I knew I had to do this. I was in too deep now, too involved in this ritual now, to stop. Already I felt a gnawing urge in me to go back to the cemetery and continue trying the spell. I just took a gulp of water to calm my racing heart and dressed for school, my mind still clouded with thoughts, worries, and questions.

You drain me dry and make me wonder why I'm even here
This double vision I was seeing is finally clear
You want to stay but you know very well I want you gone
You're not fit to tread the ground that I am walking on

I wandered over to Hunter's house after school let out. I made sure to park Das Boot a couple of houses down the street just in case one of the neighbors recognized it and told him that I had stopped by. Hoping against hope that he wasn't there, I noticed that Sky's car was gone when I approached the house from the sidewalk. That was a good sign; either she had taken it somewhere or he had borrowed it without her permission (which he did quite frequently). Casting out my senses, I realized that no one was home.

"Thank the Goddess," I whispered. I walked up to the front door and tried to open it; it was locked. I had almost unlocked it with a spell—I was working on the very last sigil—when the door suddenly flung open.

"Morgan?" Hunter was standing right in front of me.

I gaped at him, my eyes wide. "Hunter? Hi! I-I didn't know you were home." I cringed internally. Way to go, Morgan. That weird behavior won't make him at all suspicious.

He was looking at me strangely. "Why were you trying to unlock the door?"

"Because … it was locked and I didn't think you were home?" I asked meekly. "I was, um, I was looking for you."

He didn't say anything, but held the door open for me. I gave him a surprised look, but his eyes were cast down to the floor, away from me. I stepped inside after a moment and turned around in the foyer to look at him.

"So … how come I didn't sense that you were here?" I asked curiously.

"I don't know," he said breezily. "Sky left to go pick up Raven after class at the university and she and Alexis have to go to the courthouse to sign some more paperwork, so …" He shrugged. "It's just me here."

I furrowed my eyebrows. "What's wrong with you? You sound really weird." He looked at me in surprise. "I mean, you sound different. Is something wrong?"

"No," he said lightly, walking past me into the kitchen. I followed him. "No, nothing's wrong. Do you want some tea?"

I blinked at the sudden change of subject. "Um, sure." He pulled a tea kettle out of the cupboard under the stove, avoiding my eyes. As he filled the kettle with water and slammed it down on the stove, sloshing water over the burners, I stared at him. "Hunter, are you okay?"

"Yes," he said firmly again. "What do you want with that? Lemon? Sage? Black magick?"

I did a double take. "What?"

"Morgan, don't lie to me," he said, and I stared at him. His eyes, usually so warm, green, inviting, were cold and harsh. "I'm only going to ask you this once, and if the answer is no, I won't push because I don't have that right anymore." He paused and then leaned forward slightly. "Have you been trying to open a bith dearc?"

My stomach clenched and my heart skipped a beat. How did he know about-?

"What?" I whispered, my voice low.

"Have you been trying to open a bith dearc?" he repeated. "Tell me the truth."

I was set to say 'no'. I had even opened my mouth to form the word, when I suddenly stopped. For some reason, I couldn't bring myself to say it. A little voice in my head was saying, he can't do anything about it. He's not a Seeker anymore, remember? The council fired him for helping Alexis escape. Plus, opening a bith dearc isn't even against the rules.

He took my silence for the affirmative.

"Oh, my God …"

"How did you …" I sighed, then my eyes narrowed. "Who told you?"

"Sky," he said finally. "She and Raven saw you at the cemetery last night. She described exactly the ritual needed to open a bith dearc."

I snorted. "Huh. Not exactly."

His voice was pleading. "Why, Morgan? Why would you do something so dangerous, so stupid?"

"I don't have to justify myself to you," I said quietly.

"No, but you owe it to me," he yelled. I flinched; he hardly ever raised his voice against me. "You owe it to all of us. Why are you doing this?"

I don't have to listen to him. "I don't have to listen to you. We're not dating anymore, remember? You blew that."

He grimaced, and I knew that he, as I was, was remembering that painful night at the lodge and his "no child of Ciaran's" verbal mishap.

"I realize that I'm to blame for that, Morgan, but this … there's no excuse for this." He suddenly sounded tired. "Why would you do something that goes against everything we stand for? Everything that Kithic stands for? All of its good magick? All of your mother's good magick?"

Good magick doesn't pay. I started suddenly. I had really just thought that, hadn't I? I froze internally. What did that mean? Good magick doesn't pay? It had come so suddenly, so quickly to my mind that I probably was a fraction of a second away from saying it out loud.

"You can't keep doing this, Morgan," Hunter was saying while pacing in front of me. "You can't begin on a road to self-destruction. That's where this will lead you."

Suddenly I was furious. "What right do you have?" I snarled. "What right do you have to pass judgment on me?"

"No," he said angrily. "I'm not trying to pass judgment on you, I'm trying to save you. This path won't take you anywhere good. All that can come of it is pain and sorrow and it's unhealthy to burden yourself with the past. I lost a brother, too, remember?"

My heart stuck in my throat. "Is that what you think this is about?" I demanded. "Mike?"

"It doesn't take a genius to figure out that that's who you were trying to contact," he said, sounding pained. "Morgan, please … please don't do this. We love you, I love you, that's why we're so worried about you." He looked into my eyes intensely, and I shuddered. "I've seen what dependence on a bith dearc does to people, Morgan. It's like drugs. You can't get enough and suddenly you're falling deeper and deeper into something you can't control. It overpowers you and sucks your energy out of you."

I swallowed deeply, forcing the lump in my throat away and blinked rapidly to disperse the tears of rage in my eyes.

"It's got to be better than this," I muttered, pushing past Hunter and running out of the kitchen, into the foyer, and out of the house.

When it gets cold outside
And you've got nobody to love
You'll understand what I mean when I say
There's no way we're going to give up
And like a little girl cries in the face
Of a monster that lives in her dreams
Is there anyone out there?
Because it's getting harder and harder to breathe
Is there anyone out there?
Because it's getting harder and harder to breathe

I went to the cemetery that night as usual. On the ride over, I kept having second thoughts, but I brushed them away with an irritated groan of anger. Who did Hunter think he was? Who was he to tell me that I couldn't do what I wanted with my magick? Where did he get off criticizing me like that?

Ignoring the questions swirling around in my mind, I parked Das Boot into a space in front of a 7-Eleven about a mile down the road from the old Methodist cemetery. I shivered. It was past midnight and very still. I had managed to sneak out of the house again without Mom, Dad, or Mary K waking up, probably only because I had kept Das Boot out of the driveway and on the street. That, plus a ton of concealment runes, meant that they hadn't heard anything as I gathered my things and silently shut the front door behind me.

As I walked towards the center of the cemetery, my rucksack of spell items slung over my shoulder, I cast my senses around, feeling slightly less trustful of them. There were headstones all around me that someone could be hiding behind. I didn't feel anything, but still … an experienced witch could have blocked my senses from reaching them. If Hunter was here to try and stop me –

"Morgan."

Oh, for the love of the Goddess. I sighed and turned around to face Sky Eventide, who was standing behind me. This wasn't exactly unexpected, of course; if Hunter hadn't come, of course Sky would have.

"What do you want?" I asked, my voice emotionless.

She raised her eyebrows. "Um, one, to stop you from opening a bith dearc, and two, to ask what the hell is up with you."

"I don't have to answer anything," I said calmly. I was tired of Sky and Hunter interfering in this. "And if you think that you're going to stop me –"

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"It means get a clue, Sky. I'm not a fledgling witch anymore. I'm not that little innocent girl that ran away after Hunter interrogated David Redstone. Remember what you said to me when you chased after me in the forest, Sky? 'Don't turn this into a fight. You won't win. You may have more raw power than any witch I've ever seen, but I know how to use what I've got.' Well, now, so do I."

She didn't say anything. I pressed my advantage.

"If you want to try to stop me, that's fine. Just know that you won't be able to." I smiled derisively. "Might be better off just turning around and going straight back home." My smile disappeared. "Go back home, Sky. Go back to your stupid cousin who's too thick to see past black and white. Go back to your perfect life. You don't belong here." She couldn't know what I was feeling right then. Anger, frustration, pain, longing, and exhaustion. I was exhausted, but I still stood there.

She just looked at me. "No."

I raised my eyebrows. "No?"

"No," she repeated. "If you think I'm going to just leave you here to get your energy drawn out by black forces much bigger than you, you must be mad. You're my friend, Morgan. If you think I'd just do that –"

"You might not have a choice," I scowled. I turned around and was about to head towards the cemetery again, but she stood in front of me and blocked my way. I rolled my eyes. "Get out of my way, Sky."

She didn't move.

"You're my friend," she repeated. "I'm not just going to let you keep doing this to yourself." She glared at me. "You're already in too deep, Morgan. Don't make it worse by –"

"I said, get out of my way!" I screamed, and thrust my hand forward, releasing the frustration, rage, and anger that had been constantly building up inside me for days. I meant to throw witch fire at her, anything to get her out of my way. That witch was too persistent for her own good sometimes. I just meant to throw witch fire at her. I didn't expect what happened next to happen.

Something was different about the energy that poured out of my fingertips and hit Sky with an incredible force. It wasn't the familiar, crackly-blue of the witch fire that I had always seen witches use and that I always used, and it didn't feel like electric energy had just zapped out of my hand like my witch fire always did. It was black. It felt like liquid shooting out of me, out of my rage, and I didn't have time to cry out. I didn't have time to do anything before it crashed out of me and hit Sky dead on.

I watched in slow motion as a gravestone about twenty feet away cracked and shattered with a deafening crash as Sky slammed into it, thrust by the force of my spell.

I watched in stunned horror as her body crumpled to the ground. I heard someone scream from behind me, and suddenly Raven was at the broken headstone, crying.

She must have come with Sky, I thought distantly.

I approached the scene before me slowly, guardedly, not allowing myself to think or even feel. Raven was hysterical, clutching Sky's body as she sobbed.

"What did you do?" she screamed at me, her eyes wild. "What did you do to her?"

Ironically, I was wondering the very same thing. My voice was tight, and my eyes hadn't left Sky. She looked very pale suddenly as the moonlight reflected off her light skin, and her back was twisted to a strange angle. A cold feeling was beginning to spread through me like ice. "I didn't …"

"No … no …" Raven was crying. She touched Sky's head gently, and when she drew her hand away, it was red with blood. She gave a horrified cry.

I pulled my cell phone out of my pocket and dialed 9-1-1 with almost detached slowness. I was screaming at myself inside my head: Why aren't you moving faster? Hurry up and call the ambulance! What the hell are you standing there for? Do something! Everything was moving a bit more slowly.

"We need an ambulance. There's been an accident. … The Methodist cemetery about fifteen minutes out of town. … My friend, she's hurt … There's blood. … No, not a car crash. Just … just get here. Hurry."

I cried for the first time that night in weeks. As the emergency medics pushed the stretcher holding Sky's body into the ambulance, I heard one of them talking to Raven.

"It looks pretty bad. There's … there's a chance she might not make it to the hospital."

I cried for the first time that night in weeks. As the driver called out to us, asking if we were coming because they needed to get going, and I made to step into the ambulance, Raven stopped me.

"You're not coming."

"I could heal her –" I began.

"No," she said, her voice shaking with rage, tears, and raw emotion. "No. Keep your magick away from her."

As the doors were slammed shut in my face by the driver and the ambulance disappeared into the darkness, I heard its sirens for at least five minutes afterwards. I fell to the ground on the edge of the street and cried hot tears that soaked my sweater and stung my eyes.

Raven was right. Oh, Goddess … how could I trust myself any longer?

Does it kill?
Does it burn?
Is it painful to learn
That it's me that has all the control?

I didn't sleep much that night. I lay in bed for five hours after I returned home, tossing and turning, burning up one second and freezing cold the next. My head ached and my eyes still stung with tears. Every time I closed my eyes, I saw Sky. Sky slamming into that gravestone, shattering it with the force of my blow. Her body falling to the ground, limp and lifeless. I saw Raven's panicked face, heard her cries and desperate Sky-please-get-up's. I heard the slamming of the ambulance doors over and over again, like an annoying alarm that won't turn off. Slam. Slam. Slam.

I pulled myself out of bed when I heard Mary K turn on the shower in our bathroom. With a sigh, I opened my closet and pulled on a red blouse and jeans. I felt guilty; should I be at the hospital right now? Sky was undoubtedly still there. Raven would have called Hunter, so he'd be there, too. Did the others know? Did Bree know? Anyone else in Kithic? Had Raven told Hunter what I had done or had she feigned ignorance?

These thoughts tormented me as I attempted to eat a Pop-Tart but couldn't; my stomach was too knotty. I forced down a glass of 7-Up to settle it, but it didn't really help. Bree had been planning on picking Mary K and I up this morning, and as I walked out of the house, surely enough, she was waiting in her red BMW, Breezy, with Robbie in the passenger seat and Alisa Soto in the back. Bree opened her door when she saw me and rushed over to the door.

"Morgan," she said, sounding slightly breathless. "There's been an accident."

I paused. The quiver in my voice wasn't intentional. "What?"

"It's Sky," she said, sounding very distraught. "I got a call from Raven this morning. Sky was in some kind of accident. She's at the hospital in Red Kill."

"We're skipping first period to visit Raven and Hunter," Alisa said. "They've been there all night. Jenna, Thalia, and the others said they'd visit during lunch. Are you going to come now with us?"

My throat felt dry. "Um, I don't know if I should … I-I mean, if we should. It's kind of a family moment, you know? Very personal. They might get mad if we, you know … intrude on their grief?"

Bree shook her head. "No. We have to go."

"Why do we have to go?" I asked suspiciously.

Bree looked down, and for a moment I thought I saw tears glistening in her eyes. "Because … she's in a coma, Morgan. Sky's in a coma."

All of the sound around me seemed to stop, cease completely. All I could hear was a dull pounding in my ears. Coma … oh, no. Raven and Hunter must be devastated … and it was all because of me … all because I couldn't control my magick …

I swallowed, feeling tears come to my eyes, too. "Okay. I'll go."

Does it thrill?
Does it sting
When you feel what I bring
And you wish that you had me to hold?

"Hey."

That was all that Raven said when Bree, Robbie, Alisa, and I walked inside the hospital room where Sky was. I barely managed to stifle a gasp when I saw her lying on the bed, hooked up to too many machines to count. Her skin was pale, pale white, almost unnatural. Her face was covered in small cuts, and her left arm—the side, I realized, that she had hit the headstone with—was a light purple with bruises. Raven and Hunter were seated on either side of her bed, each holding one of her hands tightly in their own.

"How are you holding up?" Bree asked Raven gently.

Raven gave a weak smile. She looked close to tears again. "Not so good."

"Likewise," Hunter croaked out when Bree looked at him, silently asking the same question.

Raven didn't look at me; I hadn't really expected her to. I stood back, detached from the others, as Robbie, Bree, and Alisa pulled up chairs and sat with Raven and Hunter around the bed. I looked around me at the weird machines that Sky now depended on for her life. The heart monitor's consistent beeping, though somewhat lower than what would be optimal, was little consolation.

"Who did this?" Alisa whispered, her voice shaking as she raised her head to look at Hunter. "What inhumane, evil person did this?"

My heart was thumping so loud that I was sure they must be able to hear it. I chanced a glance at Raven, trying to look as discreet as possible. She didn't look at me.

"I don't know," she whispered, not looking Alisa in the eye. "I woke up around two-thirty and she had left a note saying she was going to the cemetery." Her voice broke, and when she spoke again, I thought I sensed a trace of silent fury in her words. "She thought –" She stopped suddenly, and I thought with a sickening feeling in my stomach how confusing this must be to Bree, Robbie, and Alisa. They didn't know that I had been trying to open a bith dearc. Only Raven and Sky, the witnesses, and Hunter had known.

Hunter … oh, Goddess. He wasn't stupid. He would make the connection. He'd make the connection between me, the cemetery, and Sky going there in the middle of the night.

"Have you –" I started to say before breaking off. I couldn't bring myself to finish the sentence. Or look at Hunter and Raven.

Bree misconstrued my silence for extreme grief—only partially untrue—and finished my sentence. "Have you talked to a doctor recently?"

"About an hour ago," was all that Hunter said. I noticed with slight relief when I glanced at him that he hadn't been looking at me.

"How's she taking it?" Bree whispered, and I looked over behind Raven in surprise, not having realized Alexis was there. She was asleep in her wheelchair, a blanket pulled up to her chin. Hunter sighed.

"She's been through too much these last few days. This was just … the extreme. She's not doing well, I don't think. She cried herself to sleep around three."

"Mr. Niall?" A brunette, middle-aged nurse had poked her head through the door. Hunter looked up.

"Yes?"

The nurse looked at us newcomers for a moment before stepping inside the room and closing the door behind her. "I, um, I have the results of the neurological tests we performed on your cousin." She looked uneasily at Bree, Robbie, Alisa, and I. "Um, I can go over them in private with you if you'd like …"

"No," Hunter said firmly. "Anything you'd say to me, you can say to them."

The nurse looked uncomfortable. "Mr. Niall, wouldn't you prefer –"

"Anything you'd say to me, you can say to them," Hunter said, his voice much harsher than it had been a moment ago.

With a sigh, the nurse opened a file that she was holding and scanned through a couple of sheets of paper. "Um … Mr. Niall, first, I must ask, has she been injured recently? A fatal injury?"

Hunter looked down for a moment, clearly fighting tears, before nodding slightly. I swallowed heavily; she had been fatally injured recently. Muireadhach had thrown her and Hunter into a mausoleum wall. They had recovered for the most part, but … she must have still been healing …

"Well, the results show sustained nerve damage to the spinal cord and possible … possible brain damage." She bit her lip. "Overall, it's … not very encouraging. I'm sorry, Mr. Niall, but there's about an 85 chance that she'll never wake up."

"No." She was trying not to yell, and I could tell that the part of her telling her to stay calm—probably a much smaller part than the one that was telling her to violently beat me to death—was losing its battle.

Now she was yelling. "No. Don't tell me that you're sorry! You knew full well what you were doing!" Her voice trembled with fury and anger; I knew that I was witnessing the complete Raven Meltzer breakdown. "If your goal is to put the rest of us in comas just so you can talk to your dead brother, at least give us fair warning beforehand." The look in her eyes was pure, seething rage. "Now get out because I swear, witch or not, if you are not out of my sight in the next ten seconds, I will make you very sorry that you came here."

I didn't doubt even a little bit that, even with my magickal powers, Raven could still kick my ass if she really wanted to. And I could tell that she really wanted to.

She disappeared back inside the hospital room, and I was left standing out in the hallway by myself. I felt tears threaten my eyes as I put a tiny invisibility spell on myself and peered in through the window. Alisa was crying, and Bree was shaking in Robbie's arms. Hunter was staring fixedly at the floor, but I could see tears in his eyes. He looked up when Raven walked back in and stood up. He hugged her, and she started crying into his shoulder. Like her heart was breaking.

I swallowed the huge lump forming in my throat and turned away, walking back down the hall slowly alone.

Is there anyone out there?
Because it's getting harder and harder to breathe