EIGHTEEN: secret longing

Meryl couldn't shake the feeling of jealousy. She couldn't really explain it, but it was there, nagging at the back of her heart like some annoying child pointing out here every flaw, laughing at her for every mistake she made. All she knew was that it had taken over, a secret longing to be a part of something in which she really had no role. Vash and Stryker shared a connection similar to a secret amongst friends, amongst brothers and family, even if Stryker didn't truly understand just yet.

In a way, Meryl was glad that Vash had found someone he could truly relate to, someone he could speak to about things she didn't understand. If things worked out, Vash might even have someone that he could confide in and discuss things that only the two could share. At the same time, Meryl could not help but feel left out. Who Vash was, his past, present, and future…they were all important aspects of self, things that should be shared with a lover, yet things she would never deserve to know, no matter who she was. It was a thought that threatened to shatter so many of the hopes and dreams she had placed on the future she wasn't sure would ever exist.

She let off a short, silent laugh. She was already planning a future with Vash. Why did these thoughts come to her now, just after she had made such an important proclamation?

She knew the answer to that. Stryker. Stryker and the other man who had attacked them were the reason. She had looked on in fear as his life had been threatened before her very eyes. She had come to understand that she couldn't truly protect him from everything that they might face together. Besides, he wouldn't want her to try. It would only put her into danger, a danger he preferred to face alone. She grunted at that, just another thing to add to an already guilty conscience.

The pain she had seen etched in his face back there had not been the pain from the wound in his leg. It had been the pain of the innocent lives that had been lost because of him. She knew that he had never had a choice in the matter, but Vash believed there was always a way to save everyone, no matter how impossible the situation. There was always a way, and nobody should ever have to die needlessly.

How her heart ached for him. How she wished so greatly that she could erase all of it, but it wasn't possible and she knew it. She secretly doubted Vash would ever want to erase all that had happened over the years. They served as a constant reminder to what he stood for and to what he stood against.

Thinking now, raising her head to finally gaze to the girl she had held in her arms only a few minutes ago, she began to understand how painful a love lost must feel. In the brief moments before Milly had arrived on the scene upon Stryker's emergence, she had nearly tasted the same pain for herself.

At this point, this moment, as Meryl was left in the silence of the near-empty corridor, she realized that she had more to doubt then her own shortcomings.

Meryl began to doubt everything.

Next to her, Milly stirred. "I really hate this," she murmured.

Meryl shot a look to the big girl. Her eyes were still moist with unshed tears, though she didn't cry now, though she appeared to be on the verge. Hugging herself tightly, she peered at Meryl. She looked like a girl torn between a multitude of emotions, when her heart was torn between her own life and the pains of others. Mostly, it was because every time she longed to have her own private moments with people she cared for, something else would take pause in her path and throw the whole thing out of whack. Something like the unexpected death of Nicholas D. Wolfwood.

"Are we ever gonna get any good news? Now Vash's own brother made a clone of him. Maybe more. I'm so scared, Meryl…"

Meryl smiled sadly, seeing those unshed tears as the bore into her soul. She couldn't change the past, any more than she could bring the priest back into Milly's loving, lonely arms. But maybe, just maybe, she could bring a real smile back to her depressed, thought lovely, features.

"I have some news for you," she said quietly. "Just might cheer you up."

"Oh?" Milly tried to smile, but failed miserably.

"I followed your advice and kept my promise. I told Vash how I feel." Milly's smile came more freely now. "You were right about him. He does care for me, and I have you to thank, Milly. Without you pushing me, I never would have told him."

And I would have regretted it. She didn't say as much out loud; she feared the admission would cause the girl more pain and tears and she didn't really care to do that to her friend.

"Oh Meryl!" She glowed happily and wrapped her friend up in a big hug.

Meryl smiled and went on about that one perfect moment they had shared outside, and how she had lost her heart and soul in that same fleeting moment. She went on to tell her about the first shot that had been fired, how she had been so afraid. She admitted her reluctance to leave Vash, and his insistence to protect herself.

She described how her heart had stopped when shots rang out as she waited alone in a dark corridor, how she had never run so fast in her life, how her heart had shattered when she saw that he was hurt. How she had tried to help him to safety.

She explained how weak she had felt as her derringer had been knocked from her grasp and how frightened she had been when she was pulled into the hold of another that had looked so much like the man she had been protecting, the man she loved.

It had been a horrible thing, and she let Milly know how horrible it had all been. She felt so weak, so defenseless, and she described it all without fail. Doubt and worries swirled in her mind, evident in her dew-dropped eyes. She looked ready to cry herself.

And there, with only the comfort of the cold silence and the warmth of her friend's caring gaze, she did. She cried for Milly's loss, she cried for Wolfwood's tragic yet inevitable fate. She cried for Vash, and most importantly, she cried for herself.

Milly watched on, tears glistening in her eyes. They fell now, but they were happy tears with a smile that glowed like angel's wings. She felt her friend's pain, and despite it all, nothing could hold the joy she felt for this connection in Meryl's heart.

"I'm sorry Meryl," she murmured, "but you shouldn't ache for us now. You should be proud to be who you are. You should be proud of us all. Don't cry for us. Your smile is too pretty to let all those dumb tears weigh it down."

Meryl nodded a little, drying her eyes.

"And don't you ever let him go! If you do, I'll never forgive you!" She grinned. "And I'm going to tell him the same thing, you got that?"

Meryl lifted her eyes. Milly's tone sounded as though it could be attached to a death threat, and the little woman had to laugh at that. As she did, she dried her eyes and let her heart rise a little with each tremendous thump. She smiled up at Milly, thinking of the love she felt in her heart for Vash the Stampede. It was a smile that spoke volumes.

"Yes, ma'am."

Milly grinned. Meryl grinned back.

Things were looking up already.

"Milly, you've always been there for me, when I needed you. Thank you."

She glowed. "You don't have to tell me that, Meryl. I know it with all my heart and I always will because you have always been there for me. Without you, I don't know what I'd being doing right now, but I'm pretty sure life would be pretty darn boring."

Meryl's grin widened.

"Milly?"

"Yes, Meryl?"

"I'm hungry."

"Me too. Let's find the kitchen!"

----------

He led Stryker back down the hallway, more than a little saddened by what he already knew he would have to do. His heart ached at the understanding. It made him feel less human than ever before.

Vash the Stampede had decided he would have to take lives. Over a hundred flames of life before they were even born, wiped from existence, before they could ever turn into an army of hatred and spread like wildfire across the planet, or perhaps something less dangerous. Fact was, he didn't know the truth for their existence. He only knew he couldn't let them exist. There was too much at stake.

It was an unwanted task. His heart ached that somehow they would all turn out to be like him, but the risk was too great that they could wind up being more like Knives. They were clones, they had to be, so they were probably preprogrammed to hate. The ability for compassion was likely taken from them in the course of development. Knives would have seen to it if he'd been in charge. He had the ability and the blood sample. All he needed was the technology.

He was going to have to have a talk with his brother. That meant leaving the girls alone again. He couldn't risk taking them to that maniac. Meryl would be pissed, but he would be leaving them with the truth of it. They couldn't go. Maybe Stryker could be convinced to stay behind and protect them. It might convince them to wait for him.

Meryl would never be easy to convince.

Vash sighed. This was bound to be a terribly long day.

----------

Milly drug Meryl into another room, a big white room lined with counters, with what appeared to be an oven, fridge, and a sink. A single rectangular table and six chairs sat in the center of the room. Immediately the big girl started to shuffle about the place as Meryl slid into one of the chairs, gazing about. She was a little fearful, though she couldn't place exactly why. Maybe it was because she felt like an intruder here, barging in on someone else's space, someone who had been gone for a very long time.

After a time, Milly pulled out a dozen or so white packets, frowning at the labels that each possessed. "I think these are food." She hesitated, inspecting one, and tossed the thing over to her friend. They weren't big, only about the size of a general store chocolate bar, but the label read "Grain Rations 473.62527."

Meryl inspected it for a brief moment, trying to make sense of the numbers. She didn't know if they were some sort of expiration date, though she knew each package was at least 130 years old. But, it did appear to be food, and beggars couldn't afford to be choosers. "I think you're right. Might as well grab what we can. If Sean's appetite is anything like Vash's, we're in big trouble." She joined Meryl's side and peered into the cabinet where the things waited. She was amazed how full the thing was, as if the place had only just been stocked and left alone.

Two Vashes. As much as she tried to separate the two of them in her head, on though kept them together. She had a terrible feeling in her gut. Something was wrong and she knew it was rapidly approaching in the form of Vash the Stampede. When Meryl had a feeling, she was typically right on the button.

In that moment, they stepped into the kitchen. Vash and Sean stood in the doorway. When the man she loved turned his gaze to her, he was frowning. He was a little surprised—he hadn't expected to find the girls here—but he wasn't disappointed.

"I see you found the food rations," he said, his frown turning into that fake smile Meryl could see straight through. He trodded over to her and took the package from her hand. "This is wheat germ. Real crap. I'll make you something else."

He headed over to the cabinet where Milly was still standing, holding an armload of rations. "One stick makes enough to feed a crew of eight," he commented, picking one out. "They're all soups. Nothing solid. I hope you like tomato soup." He tossed the stick aside. "These things last forever. Problem is, we need water. I don't think we have any."

Meryl watched him, knowing deep inside exactly what was going through his mind. He was thinking of Knives. It ate at her. She wouldn't mention it now, not here. Not with Milly around when it would probably only cause more heartache and tears.

"I have water," Stryker announced. "Two ten gallon containers."

He glanced to the girls, not moving from the doorway. He was still a little uneasy around these people. He didn't know who the hell they were, after all. Well, not that it really bothered him. He leaned against the counter, crossing his arms as he watched the three. They seemed harmless. His few moments with Vash in the room with the geo-plant had revealed how gentle-natured the so-called Humanoid Typhoon really was. Stryker knew, at least, that Vash the Stampede was not the man those rumors made him out to be.

Meryl sighed and walked over to the sink. "Maybe the place isn't dried up yet," she said, and pressed down on the knob. Her eyes widened as water poured free of the spout. She shot a sly look to Vash.

He grinned, grabbing a saucepan from the counter and filled it half full. "That'll do. Milly, would you fill the canteens?"

As the big girl did what she was told, Vash tore open the package and dropped about half of the red lump into water. He glanced to Meryl, his thought spinning in his head. He watched her with an apology in his eyes, trying to tell her without words that he would very soon be forced to break his promise. At least for awhile. Meryl wasn't the best at reading eyes, especially his, but he knew without a doubt she'd understand this.

He felt them in his heart, and could tell by the look on her face that she already knew. I have to go away, Meryl. I have to visit Knives. But how was he supposed to say that? How could he leave her now? It wasn't hard to speak the truth, but it was nearly impossible to leave her now. Yet, he knew if he did, he would leave his heart right alongside her own.

He shook his head and looked away.

Meryl lowered her eyes, reading the words behind his eyes. They were out in the open, in plain view to her, and the pain pounded relentlessly with each beat of her heart. You're leaving me…I can see it in your eyes. You're going to leave me. She didn't say the words that made her mouth feel like cotton. She didn't show the dismay that was so plainly evident for him to see. Instead, she turned and headed for the doorway.

"I lost a derringer," she announced. "In the corridor. I'm gonna go look for it."

It was an excuse, and Vash knew it. But it also wasn't a lie. She had lost her gun out there, somewhere in the corridor. Vash fingered the little weapon that he'd grabbed, for it was in her pocket. He didn't say anything. If she didn't leave, they would never be able to speak in the privacy of the corridor. He let her walk away, for the moment focusing on their dinner.

After a few minutes, he turned to Milly. "Milly, could you take the spoon? I need to talk to Meryl."

She complied with her brilliant smile. He left the two of them, Stryker and Milly, in the strange kitchen and disappeared down the corridor.

----------

Meryl had left to retrieve what she could of her bleeding heart. No, you can't go! Not when I finally have you back! Her heart screamed the words, but she remained silent. But she knew he had to leave, knew that no matter how much she begged and pleaded that he had obligations that she could never understand. Maybe she could follow, but she knew that would be a foolish excursion. He had to find answers to the questions in his heart, questions that had to be answered. He would wave goodbye and then go off to take care of the necessities.

Why was it so hard?

A year ago, she had let him go without question. She had known, though, that back then he would return to her. She couldn't help but grin at the memory now.

Mr. Vash will come back, won't he?

Of course he will, Milly. He wouldn't dare keep a good woman like me waiting.

But he had. She had truly believed he would return, but the truth was he hadn't. Vash had been cornered into obligations that overshadowed Meryl Stryfe and Milly Thompson, the insurance girls who had hounded him for nearly three years.

This time, he would return. He'd never profess his love and then turn her away.

Numbly, she walked down the dark hall to the area where she'd dropped her gun.

----------

He could hear the soft click of her boots against the metallic floor. It was easy to follow. Meryl was easy to follow.

She'd never be easy to leave behind.

A tear drizzled down his cheek. Damnit, why does it always have to be this way? Every time I find peace I'm thrust into correlating circumstances that only pull me deeper into the abyss Knives has wrapped around me. He wiped the tear away and turned down another corridor. There was Meryl, not so very far away. She was still moving, on her way to find her weapon.

Even it he stopped her, he wasn't exactly sure what he wanted to say.

Don't be a douche, Needle Noggin'! Go for it while you have a chance.

Vash was absolutely certain that Wolfwood was standing right beside him when the remark came, the voice was so clear. He had to smile at the consequences. He realized they were all the consequences he would rather have in his life. They would only make his life more fulfilling.

Without a sound, he moved up to her, grabbed her by the shoulders, and spun her around. Meryl felt the wind knocked free of her lungs and found it hard to breath. But it wasn't the action that had left her in such a dangerous position. It was the look in his eyes, the longing and love that settled there as he moved his hands to her face and pulled her to him.

The moment he found her delicate face, he crushed his lips to hers. She was left breathless, her eyes fluttering as she fell limp into his arms, savoring the silent, stolen moment that caused her broken heart to forget its pain.

If only for a moment.

As the tears trickled down her cheeks, the bliss of the moment faded and she pushed away from his embrace to turn. "No, you can't just do that, Vash. You can't expect to say goodbye again and think you can butter me up first." She shook her head and started down the hall again to the space where she had fallen only a couple hours ago.

Her arm still ached from the fall in the skirmish with the sentry drone. She shook her head again and rubbed the bandaged wound, her thoughts drifting a little. She lowered to a knee, searching blindly for it, but it was nowhere to be found. She grunted and leaned against the wall of the corridor as if it would somehow protect her from Vash's gaze.

Knowing any attempt to hide her pain was in vain, she refused to let him see her cry. Not now. She pushed the rears away from her face and leaned her head back, trembling in the quiet of the moment.

I'm not leaving you, Meryl.

Vash watched her, but couldn't bring himself to lie to her. It would have been so easy to say, but he couldn't do it. The best he could offer her would be the truth, because this was Meryl, the woman he loved. This was a woman he knew he could come back for.

"I have to see him again. I have to face Knives. He's responsible for all this, I can feel it. I have to know what he was planning."

She didn't speak, but she turned to him. For the moment, that was enough.

"I'm sorry," he whispered. "If it was ever this difficult in our past, I never knew. It was…inconsiderate of me."

He eyed her, wanting to reach down and take her face in his hands. Instead, he took her hand and pressed something into it, something silver with an ivory handle. One of Meryl's derringers, one of the bullets spent. She realized it was the one she had dropped in the corridor. She didn't recall firing a shot, but she guessed it had been a hectic moment. She wasn't exactly thinking clearly when Vash's duplicate had attacked them.

"But I have to see Knives again, and I can't take you with me. It's just something I have to do. I'm sorry, but you have to understand, he's still dangerous. If I took you with me, I might not be able to protect you. At least he'll listen to me when It's just me."

He turned and started to walk away.

It was enough force Meryl to scramble to her feet. Tears streamed down her face as she called after him. "How can you do that?" she snapped. "How can you simply walk away like that, without looking back? How do you do it, because I sure as hell wish I could understand, wish I could do the same damn thing!"

She took another step toward him, but froze when he looked back. The look in his eyes frightened her. She took a step back.

"If you couldn't stay beside the gift that was given to you then why did you accept it? What was the point because I don't understand. My heart doesn't understand." She stopped there and took a step back.

"I go because I have to," he whispered. "It was a promise I made to Rem."

She felt shrewish and small. She hadn't truly meant any of the things she had just said, but she feared she'd never be able to take it back. She just could never handle situations like this very well. What made it worse was that she had been given a glimpse of a future under the illusion that it could somehow be possible, only to have it all torn from her in one foul swoop.

It wasn't fair.

"On the day I left you and Milly behind, to go face him, I realized that the last thing she ever tried to tell me was to save my brother. To save him from killing people, innocent and guilty alike. I saved him, but it wasn't the way it should have been."

Her eyes widened as she remembered something he had told her, his last lesson for his brother: Until you realize that there is room in this world for every last one of us, you'll have to understand there will be no room in this world for you. She came to realize that he still had a promise to keep to Rem. It wasn't that he was trying to break his promise to her. Meryl closed her eyes.

"If I don't go," he said quietly, "we may never know what's going on here, or how Stryker came to be. There're too many questions. Not enough answers. I can't risk having you with me. If I'm going to see him again, I may not be able to protect you."

Meryl stared to the ground, barely hearing the last of his words. She knew suddenly that she was being selfish. It wasn't about her, it was never about her, yet she was making it out to seem like she was the victim. Maybe she was one, but so was Vash. And at the moment, Vash was the only one who could do something about it.

"Go. Just…go." Her voice was low, defeated. There was nothing else to say or do. Nothing could make him stay.

She longed to have what Milly had once, but she couldn't. Not now, not like this. It wasn't right at this point in time.

Maybe it simply wasn't meant to be.

She blinked her violet eyes, brimming with tears, and turned her gaze to him. He didn't say anything. There were no apologies, no excuses. She could see the sorrow in his eyes just as he heard it in her voice. She knew she couldn't hold him back, that it would be wrong to do so.

----------

Go. Just…go.

He simply walked away.

Vash the Stampede never intended to return with Meryl to the kitchen. This way, he wouldn't have to talk to Milly or Stryker about his departure. He could just go. It wasn't a long trip at all. He could get there on foot in less than an hour. Still, there was no need to tell Meryl that.

It would be just an hour, and then he could have a discussion with his brother.

Even locked away in an inescapable prison, Knives could torture Vash. It was as if the man knew the precise moments when his brother would be most happy, because each time Vash found pleasure, an ocean of pain soon poured down on him from the heavens. There was no rain, of course. Gunsmoke hadn't seen a drop of it since well before Project SEEDS crash-landed here 131 years ago. But he still felt the downpour of it smashing into him in the form of hot, red droplets that crushed his soul in blood. The blood of the people that had died simply because they were of the human race.

Vash hated Knives for it, but he was still his brother. Vash would always care for the one who used to spend time with him on the Project SEEDS ship Rem had served.

Vash had to go. He had to save Knives.

Again.

----------

It was there, in the solitude of that moment, as she watched him walk away from her, that Meryl truly felt alone. For the first time in her life, Meryl felt the pangs of utter despair overcoming her. It was a frightening and terrible feeling. She sank to her knees, listening as the sounds of his footsteps faded away. She clenched her eyes and buried her face in her hands.

Vash. Her heart cried out to him, but she didn't speak. He wouldn't come running back to her just yet. He couldn't come wipe away the tears that fell from her face as he departed. Meryl felt lost, unsure that he would ever return.

You have to come back, Vash. You have to. We have to see what happens here, what lies out there. Meryl finally gave in to the overwhelming silence and cried silent tears for the man who would never see them.