Chapter 3

Unable to Stay, Unwilling to Leave

April 14, 1912 11: 07 a.m.

I woke-up late and had breakfast brought to my stateroom. I wasn't sick at all, just really tired. I slept a little bit longer, and then dressed to go to the stores that were located in the lower decks of the Titanic. They all had interesting things like models of the ship and stationary.

That day they were holding a photography session on the First Class Grand Staircase. I got dressed-up with the help of a made. Afterwards the man said the pictures would be delivered to my cabin on the last day at sea. These pictures I planned to send to my parents and friends once I arrived in New York.

The ship was making great speed as nightfall came. I decided to go to my room before midnight and write a letter to my friend at home. I was putting the date on the paper and then suddenly I felt a jolt followed by shaking. It wasn't a big jolt but enough to mess-up the date on my paper. I didn't know whether or not to see if it was serious, because this was my first time on a ship.

I finally decided I would visit Mr. Andrews to see if he felt anything. I knocked but there was no answer. Luckily a steward came by and informed me that he had left his cabin thirty minutes ago in haste.

I thanked him and knew that something had to be wrong now. I decided to find one of the officers to see if they knew what was going on.

I went back to my room and grabbed a coat before heading to the Boat Deck and towards the front of the ship portside. That's where I saw him and once he noticed me he quickly came over. "Did you feel the jolt?" I asked.

He looked at me sadly and was about to answer when Captain Smith came to us.

"We just hit a burg; we need to go down and see the damage," he announced.

I followed them as they walked with great pace. They stopped at the Mr. Andrews cabin to retrieve the ships blueprints. We then walked down to the Engine Room on the E Deck passing the saloon. At the Engine Room they surveyed the damage and spoke about things I really couldn't follow. Then we walked to the Mail Room which was between the Orlop Deck and the G Deck.

At the Mail Room some men were carrying bags of mail to the upper decks. As I moved closer I could see why: the room was slowly filling with water. My shock soon turned into fear at the sight because I realized this was ocean water, not a forgotten bath tub or sink.

"Two have gone already, Captain," Mr. Andrews spoke softly.

He meant that two of the water tight compartments were gone, they were filled with water. Captain Smith then went back to the bridge silently.

Mr. Andrews and I went up a few decks and stopped at the Cafe Parisian of the B Deck. He took out the blue prints and laid them out on a dining table.

"Okay, water is here, and here," he pointed. He was deep in thought for a while before he turned to me and said, "I am so sorry Miss. Lily. I don't want to be afraid, but I need you to put on your life belt and get on a boat."

My eyes were wide in shock and I think I even started to cry. "No, no. A boat? Why would I get on one of those tiny boats? Wouldn't it be safer to stay on the Titanic? The ship can't sink," I assured him.

"Just do as I say, that is all I ask," I could see that his face was pale.

Mr. Andrews grabbed the blue prints and left to The Bridge. I really didn't know what to do at that point because I was scared. I decided to follow closely behind him to see if this was really happening. When I saw him standing in front of the Captain I heard him say: "Titanic will founder," he paused "Half an hour….an hour."

Captain Smith made an order to the Marconi Room to send a CQD (Come quick danger) and that we are going down by the nose. He also wanted them to use the new S.O.S. (save our ship) code. He reminded them that The Carpathia said they were coming at full speed; however, Smith said they wouldn't make it in time.

I went down the hall to my stateroom once reality had set in. My cabin was on Portside by the back of the ship. I took my ticket and put it in the pocket of my heavy coat. At this point I was shaking in fear as I tried to put on my life belt. I didn't want to go to the boats, not yet. I left my stateroom and went to The First Class Lounge a deck above.

As I walked there I heard a steward, Mrs. Annie Robinson being told by Mr. Andrews: "Put your life belt on and walk about and let other passenger see you."

She looked at him oddly, "It looks rather mean."

"No, put it on. If you value your life put your belt on." He left and told others to do the same. The orchestra was also carrying their instruments and some chairs up to the Boat Deck.

April 15, 1912 12:40 a.m.

I went up to the Boat Deck and watched how some people were dealing with the situation. First Officer Murdoch was given order to start filling the lifeboats. This got me thinking about when Mr. Andrews took me on that tour of the ship I remember there not being enough boats.

"Women and children only!" Mr. Murdoch yelled.

The first boat was already being lowered away. In the next boat I could hear Mrs. Allison being told to go in the boat, but she stepped off repeating, "I will not leave my husband!"

Some women didn't want to leave their husbands, and children screamed as they were separated from their fathers. Some men were hostile trying to climb aboard and some managed to get on boats.

Officer Murdoch was feeling pressured by some passengers as they were rushing to the boats. He tried his best to keep things in order and the calming music could be heard throughout the deck.

Confused by all the chaos I went back inside. People were pushing and shouting to get outside. I knew they had good reason to; there simply wouldn't be enough boats. Someone was running through the halls yelling, "Water!" The water was coming and no one could stop it. There was water on all decks because the ship was sinking by her bow.

In the Smoking Room I saw Mr. Andrews; he was setting the time on a wall clock. He was so lost in his thoughts he didn't even hear me enter.

"Mr. Andrews where is your life belt?" I asked and started to take off my own.

"What are you doing here Lily? You should be on a boat by now. You know there are only a few boats left now! Please…keep your belt on, I've got one on the table over there."

I sighed, "I am unable to stay, yet unwilling to leave!" I cried. "This is the ship of dreams if I am not mistaken. I'm just too scared to go back out there."

Mr. Andrews looked down, "These dreams are shattered, and a beautiful girl like you with your whole life ahead of you doesn't belong to such a fate. Don't worry about me, I will be waiting here for you, I promise."

I cried and hugged him good-bye. It was impossible to let him go because I knew I'd never see him again. I felt rotten inside for leaving him, but I knew that he would have wanted me to choose life over death.

I closed my eyes and finally let go him…then I ran out of there before I could change my mind.

Looking around back on deck I saw none of the 20 boats. I stopped a man, "Are there any boats left?"

He looked me in the eyes, "No Miss, they're all gone," he replied sadly.

Tears were still in my eyes and there was nothing I could do. I was surprised to hear the band still playing as the deck was now level with the sea. I found that I had to jump and swim away from the ship and hope that one of the boats would pull me aboard.

The water was ice cold against my warm skin underneath my coat. I had never dreamed the water would be this cold. My life belt held me up in the water as I treaded in an effort to distance myself from the sinking ship. My coat was making it difficult as it weighed me down, but I couldn't risk taking off my life belt to remove the coat.

There were many people splashing about in the water, but yet you could only see those who had life belts on because it was so dark. Cries and screams could be heard along with the sound of twisting metal as the ocean swallowed the great ship. The lights in the ship went out as she snapped in half.

I then swam as far as I could in the chilling water. I started to get tired and I decided to take a rest by letting myself float for a while. I watched in silence as the last part of the ship sank into the water, I then closed my eyes in exhaustion.

Then I jolted awake as my head hit something hard. My frost covered head slowly turned and looked up to see I had hit a lifeboat. My eyes partly closed from the ice but I knew it was a boat. Speaking was hard because all I could do was whisper. It took all my energy and willpower to say "help" as loud as I could.

Finally someone in the boat turned around and looked at me; it was a face I could never forget. The pregnant Mrs. Madeleine Astor also recognized me and almost tipped the boat to try and reach me. "Lily!" she yelled, and then she got a couple men that were in the boat to pull me aboard.

I was now in boat 4 and I sat with the others huddled together. The cold air made me shake even more and almost wish to be placed back in the water. The seat held a deadly silence as we waited for help. I could only think about how lucky I was to be in a boat, but I knew I wasn't out of danger yet.

The lights from the Carpathia could be seen in the distance. We now knew we had a chance of surviving.