Chapter Five

"Snape Offers To Tutor Harry. Harry Doesn't Want To Be Tutored. A Conundrum."

Snape knew what he had to do.

It didn't mean that he liked it; it meant that he recognized he had a duty, and that it was worth more than his life and pride and whatever was left of his sanity. It meant that he had to tutor Harry Potter.

Oh, he hated the boy – it was no secret – but he was aware of his importance. It wasn't that Snape believed whatever tripe Albus managed to spew, about the boy having the fate of being the only one able to vanquish the Dark Lord; it was that the Dark Lord believed it and, as all self-fulfilling prophecies tend to do, would bring about a final showdown between them through his own machinations. Therefore, the little horror had to be at least proficient in his magic to have a fighting chance.

After he had calmed down and suppressed the overwhelming urge to bludgeon the boy over the head with the nearest blunt object he could find, Snape thought clearly and objectively about the subjects that needed covering. Potions was a complete wash, the boy having no practical skills and almost no knowledge; but a basic brush up on poisons would probably be in his best interests so he'd know if anyone in his House tended towards traitorous inclinations at mealtimes. Charms would be needed, as well as Transfigurations. Snape had hardly excelled at either, but he knew enough to be competent. Since the brat had professedly scored an 'O' at Defense, perhaps he wouldn't need to go over it again – but, Snape smiledtightly with anticipation,would most likely… benefit… from repeated drills.

The fact that it would give him a legitimate excuse to attack the spoiled, arrogant idiot was gleefully glossed over.

He spent the time between lunch and dinner writing out a lesson plan that dealt mainly with offensive magic, fine-tuning it and adding in a few more details. Nothing much could be done in three weeks, of course, but once back at Hogwarts, Snape had every intention of enlisting other Professors in the endeavor. Clutching the parchment in a white-knuckled grip, he swept down the stairs to the kitchen.

Potter was already there, sipping calmly from a glass of pumpkin juice as the ridiculous House Elf pranced around excitedly. Snape sneered. It seemed that no matter where Potter went, sycophants were sure to follow.

"Professor," Potter acknowledged him with a slight nod of a black head. "We were waiting for you. Sir."

Snape scowled. The only one he allowed admonishment from was Albus. And then, rarely. "Potter," he nodded back.

The House Elf set about to lay out dinner; Snape pulled out a chair from the table with a quick, jerking motion. He placed the parchment in the space between himself and Potter and looked at the boy with all the glittering malice he could force into his eyes. "We have a matter to discuss, Potter."

"Oh?" Potter's wide eyes were guileless beneath carelessly tangled hair. "What matter would that be, Professor?"

"It has come to my attention that you have not kept up in your studies these last few years." Snape sneered. "As such, I have taken it upon myself to devise a lesson plan to bring you to at least some proximity of the level enjoyed by your peers – or, failing that, to Longbottom's."

Potter's features tightened at the obvious slur against his so-called 'friend' (Snape snorted in disgust. Anyone could tell that Potter only kept the incompetent around for an ego boost.), but he didn't respond in the way Snape had expected. He stared calmly at Snape, waited for the House Elf to serve them both up full plates, and took a bite from his dinner. He chewed. Slowly. He swallowed. Slowly. He reached for his glass of juice and sipped. Slowly. Then, just as slowly as he'd done every other thing, in just as irritating a way as well, he enunciated a clear, "No." He reached again for his glass, paused, and added a "Sir."

Snape felt a familiar, overwhelming rush of rage. Oh, he despised this boy. He'd like nothing so much as to wrap his admittedly potion-stained fingers around that skinny neck and just… squeeze. Here he was, attempting to make sure that the brat survived graduation, and the attempt was thrown in his face! He reined in his anger enough so that he could still manage to breathe. "Pardon me, Potter. I thought I heard you say 'no'."

Potter took a thoughtful bite out of his baked potato. He washed it down with more juice, then nodded. "That would be because I did say 'no'. Sir."

"And why, pray tell," Snape gritted out, "are you saying 'no'?"

"I would prefer not to spend too much time in your company. Sir."

Snape's eyes narrowed. He couldn't help it this time, he really couldn't – he couldn't control the enraged swell of emotions that burst from him, resulting in him shouting the worst possible thing he could have: the truth. "You bloody ignorant ill-bred child! I am trying to save you!"

To Snape's shouted words Potter showed no reaction save to wipe a bit of spittle off of his cheek. He ate in silence, accompanied by the noise of Snape's gasps. Finally he said, "No," and smiled. It was quite natural on his face. "You're trying to save yourself." He matched his eyes to Snape's, and the look of them was terribly bright, was terribly cold. "Sir."

If there was a pudding for dinner, neither of them found out. Each stalked to his corner of the house, and neither could be heard from until morning.

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Then it was dawn, and they sat down in stony silence to breakfast together.

Then it was Potter, looking at Snape with calculating eyes, saying, "Only if you're nice."

Then it was Snape with an incensed voice saying, "Nice? You expect the Dark Lord to be nice-"

"Of course not," Potter rolled his eyes, and added a belated, "Sir." He sighed briefly. "I meant to my friends. When they come to visit, I don't want you to deliberately insult them or make them uncomfortable. Sir. Really, I'd prefer it if you didn't talk to them. Sir. Or look at them. Sir. At all. Sir."

Snape held a brief, but impassioned internal battle. Did he really want to just roll over and accede to Potter's wishes? To do so would go against what he'd spent the last half-decade trying to achieve. But it was truly a simple thing to ask for – something he was going to do anyways, having no wish to sit around listening to a Gryffindor gossip group. Of course it wouldn't do to even appear to be giving in to Potter, to seem as if he were allowing the fool to dictate his actions… but he could always re-establish boundaries when they were back at school. And really, he wasn't losing anything, and he was gaining what he'd been after to begin with.

He inclined his head. "Very well," he said.

He stood from the table and motioned for Potter to stay seated. Striding from the kitchen, he returned ten minutes later with a stack of books taller than he levitated behind him. He settled the stack on to the table next to Potter with a negligible flick of the wand. He smirked. "Read the first five chapters of all these for tomorrow." Payback began now.

Except that the brat didn't seem to be playing along – wasn't acting dismayed, or upset, or even as if he were about to protest, "But that's not fair," as if Snape gave a damn. Instead he was wearing a smirk of his own, reading the titles of the books Snape had selected from the library. "Very well. Sir. I'll get right on that. Sir. Whatever you want. Sir."

Snape grit his teeth (which made a particularly annoying inner voice chant, "Nubs! Nubs!) and nodded. "Yes. Er. You do that."

It was quite an annoying thing when the one you'd made it almost a study of in how to aggravate seemed to cultivate an entirely new personality on you overnight. It was more than he could take when, casually eating his scrambled eggs, Potter reached out and took the top book from the stack. He flipped it open and began to read – looking up insolently when Snape sputtered in shock. For a moment, Potter's eyes flashed in amusement; the laughter was quickly stifled, and his eyes dulled. The reaction had happened too quickly for Snape not to feel uneasy; moreover, it made it clear to him that Potter had been practicing hiding his emotions – practicing the basics of Occlumency – and could very well now be hiding something vital from Snape.

Biting back the urge to Legilimize the brat, for he had no urge to traipse through that hormonal quagmire of self-important melodrama ever again, Snape stalked from the kitchen. He paused in the doorway to look over his shoulder at Potter, still intently reading. "There will be a test tomorrow. On all of them." And allowed himself a self-satisfied smile when that finally got a squawk from the brat.

Ah! I'm really sorry that this update took longer to get out to you guys than previous ones - I was over at a friend's for the weekend (I actually share this account with her), and we spent more time playing outside or beating each other up than anything else; and then, coming home, I discovered to my consternation that my monitor was malfunctioning. I fixed that problem after a few hours, and now I'm finally updating! Thank you for yourpatience!

Molly Morrison - Wow! I've been recc'd! This is the second time it's happened (that I know of), which is extremely awesome. And no, the parallelism isn't a coincidence - I wanted to draw attention to the fact that what Snape was angry with Harry for doing, he did so as well. Oh, and this story won't end up being a Snape-mentors-Harry 'fic, so please don't worry about that. I might mention a few teaching interactions, but for the most part will focuse on other aspects of their characters. Thank you for your thoughtful comments!

Cigale - Thank you! I fully intend to keep going and I really appreciate your support. Hm, yes, Harry doesn't seem as if he would be that prudent, does he? Oh well, it'll make sense by the end, I swear!

whereowhere-is-my-rabbit - Yes, just thinking about Snape's teeth is enough to make you go 'Ewww', isn't it? I use tons of exclamation marks too - it's like, my secret vice (except I just told you about it...); and I'm extremely glad you found my story both funny and IC. I hope the rest of it lives up to the beginning! (...see, there's that exclamation mark again...)

Cressida Aliora - Ah! Indeed! Much misery! I'm sorry that this update won't reach you before you have to go back - I tried, I really did, but the monitor---! And thanks muchly for the best wishes on my weekend - it was terribly wonderful, and I feel ready to face school again. I hope your return isn't too horrible! As for the rest of the letter - which one did you mean?

Cap'n Dru Shaddix - Haha, well, I update so frequently that I didn't think I really needed teasers. I'll think about it, though. I'm glad you like my story that much!

Marikili - Thank you! Here it is!

tweeny-weeny - I hope you've had a chance to get to the other chapters by now! It's really annoying when the 'site is all dysfunctional... I, too, know this from experience.

Mooncheese - Thank you!

blackshift - Oh, Snape will find out about what Harry's been doing - trust me on that! I'm glad you liked! I thought as I wrote it, "Hm, what would I do to someone who read my mail?" and this came out. I hope this is soon enough as an update - I know it's later than usual, but it couldn't be helped. Sorry again!

Howl - No, no! Don't end the ramble! It was thoroughly fantabulous, and I understand now what you meant about J&K!Harry. He does have a very dual nature, where the Slytherin side often gets sublimated because it's less socially acceptable in comparison with his Gryffindor tendencies, which is where many unconscious personality conflicts come into play. I hadn't thought about it before, but your insight made me go, "Huh. That could make a good story!" - so many thanks! I always look forward to your reviews because they're such an ego boost. It's wonderful to catch an unbiased, detail view of my writing since I have rare opportunities at school. I'm very grateful to you for that - and I'd greatly appreciate it if you could tell me when my writing gets weak in any way. Thank you again!

Strega - Many thanks for reading! Hee, I've done the same passive aggressive thing to my parents too! I'm glad I could make you laugh (it always surprises me when someone says they laughed at what I wrote, because humour has always been my weakest genre... this story is all one long exercise in trying to push past my boundaries), and that you agree with my character development. It's hard to know if I'm steering in the right direction because I get so involved in the characters' heads as I see them... I don't know if that makes any sense... Anyway! Thank you again!

WriterGirl859 - Thank you!

kawaii chibi shun - Hm, the Owl scores will pop up later on; Snape doesn't know what they are for a reason. And there's a reason other than grief for the way Harry's acting (a clue is in the title), but I do plan to write in some of his feelings concerning Sirius as well, fear not! I'm glad you found it amusing! Thanks so much for reading!

AwesomePossum - Are you okay! If you don't want to talk of it, that's fine, but your mention of the hospital made me worry. I hope this chapter helps cheer you up! Your review had me giggling alongside Sherlock (he's rather a strange sort, isn't he?). Well, since I don't want my brilliance to be blinding, I gift you with another pair of sunglasses! Plus, a gift certificate for sunglasses! I shall be your steady supplier!

HandsOff - Thank you! I'm glad you like.

Em - Hi! Heh, that would knock ol' Sevvie for a loop if Harry got an 'O' in Potions, wouldn't it? And y'know, reading back in OotP, it's not unbelievable that he would since he said he felt more relaxed making the Potion than he had in Snape's classes... Hm... And hey! You've guessed one of my future scenes, y'know, the one with Dumbledore! And since you could anticipate the scene with letter... hm... it seems as if... you're reading my mind! Ack! There are things in there that no one should see! ...oh well. If I can't share with my hug-buddy, who can I share with? Oh, and yes, of course I'm modest. I'm so humble. And down to earth. And completely, utterly sane. Uh huh. :) Lotsa hugs!