A Dance on the Edge of Sanity
Elspeth groaned. She was cold. She desperately wanted to go back to her suite in the Palace and crawl into bed with Darkwind to keep her warm. Alas that she still had meetings to attend. The workings of Valdemar would keep going, even after the Storms. Even though she felt like hell. She wasn't even working hard, and she was still exhausted.
'I pity the poor people who have to work full time. Particularly the builders. Accommodating gryphons, hertasi, and all other manners of oddly shaped beings is turning out to be harder than we thought it would be. At least I don't have to run around smoothing political feathers anymore. Somebody else has that job.'
:Those 'somebody else's' are admirable people,: Gwena said. :They know what they can do, and they know when they should turn to others for help. You could learn a lot from them, Chosen.:
Elspeth sighed, and continued walking across Companion's Field. There was a storm brewing, and it was bitterly cold for this late in the spring. The wind bit right through her coat, chilling her to the bone. There was something not quite right about this storm, but she was too tired from walking all over Haven to think about the storm.
:I'm the one and only Elspeth, Gwena. The only Herald-Adept. There are some things people will only believe if I tell them. Gods only know why they want to hear things from me. There are plenty of people who better understand the people from Iftel. Same with the Kaled' a' in. I wish the Council didn't think I was the only reasonable source of information they have. My ankles are really starting to hurt from all this walking.:
Gwena touched her nose to Elspeth's arm in sympathy. :I know, darling. Maybe you should get the Healers to confine you to the Collegium until your baby is born. You wouldn't have to walk so much then.:
Elspeth sighed and looked down at her belly. It was almost time now. She could feel that the baby inside of her was almost ready to be born. She gave a slight smile. 'I bet anyone can tell I've only just under two months left. I look like an overstuffed pastry.'
Gwena snorted in her mind. :You do look rather large, Chosen. In fact, you look like you took half of your bedding and stuffed it under your shirt.:
"Shut up, Gwena. I didn't ask for your opinion. Maybe you're right though. Maybe I should get the Healers to tell the Council to lay off." Elspeth blinked. She was feeling fuzzy all of a sudden, like someone had wrapped her brain in wool. "Gwena, I feel strange. Can you come here so I can lean on you for a minute?"
Gwena was by her Chosen's side immediately. :What's wrong, Chosen? Are you all right?:
"I'm fine Gwena. I just feel a little strange, that's all. I'll be fine in a min-" Gwena sagged under the unexpected weight of her Chosen falling on her.
:Elspeth, ELSPETH! Where are you? What's wrong?: Gwena frantically Looked at her Chosen, only to find Elspeth was wrapped in some kind of magical attack. She was doing her best to fight for herself, but she was fighting a losing battle.
The Companion poured her strength into her Chosen, knowing that she could protect Elspeth from just about anything. Gwena reared when Elspeth's mindvoice bellowed into her head.
:It's not for me, Gwena! It's an attack on the baby!:
Gwena realized they were going to need help.
:DARKWIND!:
~
Darkwind rubbed his temples. Sometimes these people could be so dense!
"We can't Gate you there Guildmaster. The Storms have changed things. To Gate somewhere now would be suicidal."
"But you could do it before. Why should now be any different? Surely you're good enough to do it again." This Guildmaster was extremely stubborn. She was determined to get what she wanted, and she wanted to be Gated all over the country. She claimed it was for the good of Valdemar. Even if it could be done, it would only be for the good of her purse.
"Guildmaster, the Storms completely changed the way things are done. Not with all the mages in the world could you open a Gate." No matter what Darkwind said, this woman would be convinced he was lying. Any of the Valdemaren Councilors would have backed him up, which was why this woman had cornered him away from help. She simply refused to understand how things worked now. She was fueling up for a real assault, and Darkwind didn't see any escape.
"Now look here, you foreigner, you.."
"Guildmaster Wetarn! Why there you are! You're needed at your Guildhall, very important business I hear." Herald Talia walked down the hall towards them. "Better get there fast, it sounded urgent."
The Guildmaster stared at the Herald, then glared at Darkwind. She turned her back on Darkwind, nodded at Talia, and walked quickly off down the hall.
Darkwind sighed. "Thank you Talia. I was about to get another speech on how barbaric I am. Sometimes I wish I were invisible. Then these people wouldn't keep cornering me and accusing me of stealing their Princess."
"Don't let them get you down, Darkwind. We all love you, and you wouldn't be wrong telling the people who don't like you that Elspeth wouldn't be stolen unless she wanted to be." Talia winked at him, bringing his spirits up a bit.
"That's true. She's about as likely to get stolen against her will as a tree. A big-"
:DARKWIND!:
Gwena's frantic mindcall shook him to his bones. Talia turned white. They turned and ran for Companion's Field as one, Darkwind in front.
:What is it, Gwena?:
:The baby!:
Darkwind cursed and doubled his pace. He had to get there in time to save Elspeth and the baby. There was no other option.
~
Elspeth writhed with pain not her own. She could feel the child inside of her twist in pain, vainly trying to escape. She pulled up her shields but they were instantly corroded by the attacker. Gwena's shielding was a little more helpful, taking some of the pain away. The air around her body heated up with the force the magical attack was exerting. She smelled hair charring, only to realize it was her own, sizzling in the heat.
'I have to get away,' she thought. She crawled onto Gwena's back, hoping to at least escape the smoke from the grass burning around her.
"Get us away from the smoke, Gwena." She rasped. Elspeth then turned her attention to the attack.
She didn't recognize the type of magic being worked on her baby. Elspeth gathered her will and shoved the magic as hard as she could, forcing it back down to the mage controlling it. Gwena helped shove, and together they pushed the magic out of Elspeth and back to where it belonged. Suddenly Elspeth felt a pull from the other end of the spell. It pulled on her mind, forcing her mindshields down. She heard a rough voice in her mind.
:You may think you've defeated me, little mage, but my job here is done. Good luck delivering that baby. I sincerely hope you don't survive.:
The mind connection snapped, taking the last of the spell with it. Elspeth sagged and fell off Gwena's back onto the hard stone beneath. She landed on her side, smacking her enlarged belly on the stone. Pain lanced up her back, and she realized something was very wrong. She felt a shudder go through her body, then the first contractions started. She was going into labor a month and a half early!
:Gwena!: She mindcalled. The Companion positioned herself so that Elspeth was leaning back on Gwena's side.
:Take deep breathes, Elspeth. Try to relax. If everything goes well, you and the baby can still make it through this in fine shape.:
Just then, Darkwind arrived.
Darkwind immediately fell to her side. "Elspeth, what happened? Are you and the baby all right?"
Elspeth looked at him and opened her mouth to speak, just as another contraction doubled her over in pain. She hissed in pain, and Gwena nuzzled her neck with her nose.
Talia sped up just in time to see Elspeth double over. "Gods," she said. "She's having the baby. Somebody get a Healer!" A servant had followed them on their dash to the Field, thinking she might be needed. She ran off at top speed to the House of Healing.
Talia knelt on the other side of Elspeth and slung an arm around her shoulders. "Relax, kitten. The Healers will be here soon; they'll take some of the pain away. You'll be fine. After all, women have been doing this for generations. It gets worse, and then it's over." Talia looked at the lean woman before her. Elspeth straightened her back and looked ready to take on the challenge, and then another contraction swept over her and she curled up in pain again. Darkwind looked at Talia uncertainly. She shook her head slightly. She had a nasty feeling that this was going to get a lot worse before the end.
~
The servant skidded into the House of Healing, almost running into a Healer trainee.
"Where's a birthing Healer?" the servant gasped. "Lady Elspeth's having her baby! Early!"
The trainee looked at the ruffled servant, then dashed off to find Healer Terwis. She was the best at delivering early babies. The trainee ran down the hall, turned the corner, and rushed into Terwis' healing room without even knocking.
Terwis looked up for the noblewoman seated before her. The woman was pregnant with her fourth child, and didn't seem likely to stop after this one was born.
The noblewoman screamed in shock as the young Healer trainee ran in.
"Peeping tom!" she yelled angrily. "Sneaking in here to see me, how dare yo-."
"Healer Terwis!" The boy yelled. "Lady Elspeth's having her baby!"
Terwis looked startled. "This early? Why didn't you say so, boy?"
"I tried to, Healer, but she screamed." The boy said, indicating the noblelady.
"Get out, both of you!" The noblewoman said. "I'm not due for another three months, and poor Elspeth's never had a baby before. Don't worry about me, worry about her!"
Terwis looked at the lady with new respect. "If you don't mind, Lady Coriya, I'll do just that." She got her emergency Healer's bag and was out the door before lady or trainee could react.
Lady Coriya looked at the trainee pointedly. "If you don't mind, young sir, could you step out for a moment?" The boy blushed and ran out the door, closing it behind him.
~
Healer Terwis ran down the hall the trainee just had, noticing the servant on the way out. "Well girl, where is she?" Terwis said gruffly.
"She's in the Field, Healer. Herald Talia and Adept Darkwind seemed to think she'd been attacked. I didn't see any blood, but-"
"Attacked? Damn it, why now?" Terwis sprinted out the door down to the Field. Just as she flew out the door, the storm that had been threatening all day broke, pouring buckets of icy water on her. 'This could get complicated.' she thought.
~
'Mother never said labor hurt this much.' Elspeth thought. Then again, her mother had never been attacked and forced into an early labor, either. 'Where is that Healer? I hurt in places I didn't know I had. And I'm wet.' The storm that had made her so jumpy earlier in the day had broken. She was raked by another contraction, as if they were responding to her thoughts of pain. 'At least I have Darkwind and Gwena. They make it a lot easier.' Gwena and Darkwind were sharing the pain of the attack, so Elspeth was really only feeling the pains of labor. 'Only. Ha! Owww.' Yet another contraction. 'They aren't supposed to be so close together this soon, are they?'
"Elspeth, can you tell me exactly what happened during this attack? Knowing what happened could well make the difference between life and death." Healer Terwis had arrived; for and older woman, she was fast on her feet.
Elspeth grimaced as a contraction shook her. "I was walking with Gwena. I had been feeling strange all day. I started to feel a little tired, then all I felt was pain. Whoever attacked-" She shuddered from the pain of another contraction, "Whoever attacked me was good, blew right through my shields. Wasn't attacking me, though. Was attacking the baby. I could feel her twisting around inside of me, trying to get away. Gwena and I forced the mage out, but he or she grabbed onto my mind and said something like :"You think you won, but I did what I needed to. I hope you die." Or something like that." Elspeth twitched. "What could that have meant? I have no idea what he di-" She doubled over in the middle of the word, grimacing in pain.
Terwis placed a hand on her skin and felt that she was burning with fever.
"Lady, we desperately need to get you to the House of Healing. I don't know what that mage did, but you're not going to have an easy time of this. You have a fever as well, and that does not bode well."
~
"Why do I always get the feeling the servants know things before I do?" Selenay asked Daren. Thunder roared overhead, announcing the arrival of spring.
"Maybe because the servants do know things before you, dearest." Daren said cheerfully. "It wouldn't surprise me if they know more of what goes on than any noble."
"Maybe I should use them as agents."
"Maybe."
There was a knock on the door just as things were starting to get interesting. Daren sighed. "Perfect timing. Just exactly the right time to be most irritating." Selenay giggled like a woman much younger and got up to open the door.
"Talia! What's wrong? You look like something terrible has happened!"
"Elspeth was attacked about half an hour ago. A mage attack. The Healers think she'll be okay, but you're going to be a Grandmother a month and a half early."
Selenay started. "She's having the baby? How's it going?"
Talia sighed. "Not well, Selenay. Not well at all. She's having contractions too close together too soon. She's in a lot of pain; it's not going to be an easy birth."
Selenay's face fell. Daren looked worried. "Daren, I'm going to go be with my daughter. Unless the world is falling to pieces, there I'm not doing anything until this is over." She went to go change into something that would not be missed if she ruined it. "Take me to my daughter, Talia."
~
Eight candlemarks and nine kinds of pain killers later, Elspeth was gasping with pain. She had never hurt so much in her life. The contractions were coming much faster now, and with much more power. She was in a bed in a sterile looking room, with Gwena on one side and her mother on the other. She hadn't thought the Healers would let Gwena in, but with the furious storm outside, they hadn't the heart to make her wait outside the door. Elspeth was extremely grateful for that. She needed all the help she could get.
Her mother was coaching her, telling her stories of her childhood and funny stories about other things. Elspeth was grateful to her mother, but her stories weren't helping any.
Darkwind was sitting in the bed behind her, propping her up more than the pillows were. His gentle hands rubbed her shoulders, keeping her from tensing too much with the pain. She was glad he had told the Healers about this particular tradition of the Hawkbrothers. It was much nicer to have him close to her than away pacing in some hallway like many of the fathers-to-be she could think of. She reached up to touch his hand.
:I'm glad you're here, ashke.:
The hand she wasn't holding snaked up her neck to caress her cheek.
:Where else would I be?: He asked. :I may be an outlandish barbarian, but I would never leave you when you needed me. Particularly not when your troubles are partially my fault.:
Elspeth smiled. :I like barbarians. They're so civilized.:
She could feel him shake with laughter behind her. :If I'm civilized, I must not be trying hard enough. I should be more crude.: He sent her an image of himself running through the Palace in a loincloth, chanting and shaking a stick at anyone who came near.
Elspeth laughed aloud at this, but her laughter was cut short as she arched her back in pain caused by another contraction.
~
Healer Terwis looked at her, concerned. 'This should not be nearly so hard on the poor child.' She thought. 'Something is wrong. But what?'
~
Darkwind continued to rub Elspeth's back, even though his hands hurt like the devil. His hands were a small price to pay for Elspeth's comfort.
The sun had set candlemarks ago, and it was well past midnight. It was still stormy outside, if anything the storm had gotten worse. Elspeth had been in labor for fourteen candlemarks now, and the baby was showing no sign of emerging any time soon. Selenay looked droopy, and Healer Terwis was tired from easing Elspeth's pain. Darkwind felt like his hands were going to fall off any minute now, and his mind wanted to cease functioning.
None of them looked or felt nearly as bad as Elspeth. Even if she hadn't been pregnant, fighting off the attack would have tired her. Now, after fourteen candlemarks, she was exhausted. Her hair was soaked with sweat, as was the nightgown she was wearing. Her skin was gray and slack with exhaustion, and her eyes were dull.
She groaned in pain as more of the cursed contractions slammed through her body. If she'd had the energy, she would have screamed, they were so painful. She didn't have the energy, though, and what little energy she had left was rapidly slipping through her fingers.
Healer Terwis was stumped. The birth simply should not be so hard. It was an early birth, the baby wouldn't be big enough to cause this much trouble. It might have been a long birth under normal circumstances, but never would it be so painful and strong yet never get any closer to the birth. It was as if someone was keeping the baby inside of Elspeth's body, no matter how hard her body tried to expel it.
'It simply doesn't make any sense! Only a mage or a Healer could keep a baby from being born!' Terwis thought in frustration. 'I don't under... A mage!'
Terwis looked closely at Darkwind. "Darkwind, is it possible to cast a spell to keep a baby from being born?"
Darkwind blinked. "I would think so, but why would somebody want-" His expression darkened very quickly. "Do you think that's what the attack was all about?"
"I don't know, man! You're the mage, you tell me!"
Darkwind didn't need to be told twice. Without waiting a second more, he looked at Elspeth with his Mage Sight. There didn't seem to be anything there.. Wait! Hidden carefully by Elspeth's inner magic and that of the baby, there was a residue of magic that shouldn't have been there. He poked it with his mind, and it suddenly tightened around the baby. Elspeth's body arched, she screamed in pain. His touching the residue had activated a spell meant to kill Elspeth and take his child with it.
He pushed on the spell, trying everything he could think of to dissolve it so it couldn't cause any harm. Gwena helped, doing everything she could to get the spell to loosen it's death grip of her Chosen. Darkwind delivered a particularly savage blow to the spell, and it loosened it's grip on Elspeth. However, it tightened on the baby, tapping into her life energy and searing her Channels. She writhed in her mother's womb, trying to get away from the pain. Darkwind realized that without help, his child was doomed. So he called for help from the person he knew could give it. Gathering all of his mindpower around him with Gwena to boost him, he Mindcalled: :FIRESONG!:
~
Somewhere deep in the Tayledras territories, a man started out of sleep and fell out of his bed.
'What on earth?' Firesong thought. 'Must have been one hell of a dream, to wake me up like that.'
"Ashke?" A sleepy voice asked. "What happened?"
Firesong stood up and dusted himself off. "Nothing, Silverfox. I'm fin-"
:FIRESONG!!: There was the desperate mindcall for help again.
Silverfox looked startled. "Who is that?" He asked.
"I don't know.." Firesong answered. He sat down. "I'm going to find out."
He traced the voice back to where he had first heard it, then he followed the channel to it's owner.
'Owners.' He thought sourly. 'This better be good.'
:Who bellows at me?: He spoke down the line.
:Firesong! Please, brother, I need your help!:
:Darkwind!? What's happened?: Firesong flew the rest of the way down the line, where he found Darkwind and Gwena waiting for him. :Where's Elspeth?:
Darkwind opened his eyes so Firesong could see the spell that kept Elspeth and his child wrapped in it's embrace. Firesong understood immediately.
He held out a mental hand to Darkwind, and one to Gwena. :Come brother, sister. I do not know who laid this spell, but it will take all of us to destroy it.:
Together they attacked the spell with it's death grip on mother and child. Darkwind realized something terrible right away. The spell had linked into Elspeth's Mage Talent and was using the power there to blast his child's channels open. It had already blasted the Mage Talent and Mind speaking channels wide open, it was now working on the Healing and Earthsense channels. If the child didn't die of the terrible trauma this caused, she would be a terrifying mage very early in her life.
They attacked the link to Elspeth first, as breaking that one would weaken the stronger link to the baby. The three of them shattered the link, cutting off the main power supply for the rest of the spell. They all felt Elspeth's pain as another contraction, this one stronger than all the rest, took her in it's grip. She screamed again, and the baby twisted inside of her.
A sudden surge of power tore at the magical shrouds around the baby. Elspeth, weakened by her labor and the spell feeding off of her, was trying to attack the spell tearing her child apart.
:Now!: Gwena's Mindvoice screamed. :Together!: All four of them surged at the spell, tearing it from the baby. It could not hold out against the wrath of four mages. It released it's hold on the baby. The mage who created the spell had planned for something like that to happen, though. As the spell unspun itself, it lashed a terrible blow at Elspeth's heart. She could feel herself falling into darkness as her heart gave out, even as her body arched in the agony of giving birth.
Gwena lunged after her Chosen, determined not to let her die. Darkwind and Firesong where close behind, anchoring Gwena into the real world. They were losing the fight, though, and Elspeth was almost beyond their grasp.
Their grasp, but not a Healer's. Terwis jolted Elspeth's heart with all the power she had. She made the heart start beating again, then Healed it so it would work for the rest of Elspeth's life. Terwis' other specialty was Healing patients with bad hearts, and she had Healed many patients with more serious problems than Elspeth's.
They all relaxed, glad that they had banished the spell and saved Elspeth and her baby. They were starting to feel very good about themselves, until Selenay's voice cut through their peace of mind.
"This is all well and fine, but there's still a baby to be delivered."
As if to remind them this was true, Elspeth cried out in pain from yet another contraction. It appeared that this still wasn't going to be an easy birth.
~
"Push, Elspeth! Push!"
"What do you think I'm doing? Pulling?"
"Push and breathe."
"You think I'd forget to breathe?"
"There's a specific type of breathing for giving birth. It goes-"
"I know how to breathe, dammit!"
~
:So how do you feel, about to be a father, Darkwind?: Firesong asked. He had decided to stick around until the baby was born, just to see what he had helped save.
:Tired and bruised, old friend. And thinking I shall never take up a career as a kestra'chern. My hands hurt from massaging.:
:That is good. You would make a terrible kestra'chern. You are better as a dutiful, civilized husband, soon to be father.:
:Firesong, what will my child be? I can only think of one other who had his channels burned open, and never so early. She is a mage of Adept potential before she is even born. How can I know she can handle that?:
:You can't know, Darkwind. You can only assume that since this happened, it was meant to happen. You can't know she wouldn't have been a mage even without the help of an enemy. With Mage potential like hers, there was a good chance she would have been an Adept anyways. There is nothing you can do now, what's done is done. The real question is: What will you do to make sure she doesn't get out of hand? She will need lots of training early on, even with magic so different now, she must be trained before she can hurt someone.:
:I don't know what we're going to do. Can I ask you for help, when I need it?:
:Darkwind, you and Elspeth can always come to me for help. When she is older, your daughter can come to me for help as well. You can even visit whenever you like; Silverfox and I are moving to K'vala next month. We wanted to wait out the winter, and a soon as it's warm enough, we'll be on the move. K'vala is a lot closer to Haven.:
:It is good to know you are there, brother.:
~
Terwis had ordered the windows open earlier in the night. It had gotten stuffy in the room, and after the storm had broken it was pleasantly cool outside. The sky was a beautiful red-orange color. The sun had almost breached the horizon.
"This should be the last haul, Elspeth. Ready, one, two, three, push!"
Elspeth pushed with all her might, her face turning a brilliant red.
"Push!"
Darkwind held her from behind, embracing her in his love.
"Push!"
Firesong watched from Darkwind's eyes, comforting the two soon-to-be parents with his presence.
"Push!"
Terwis stood ready to catch the baby, Selenay held a blanket.
"And, Push!"
Elspeth gave a battle cry and pushed with all her might. Seconds later, her cry was joined by another. The high crying of a healthy newborn filled the room and everybody cheered. Elspeth collapsed back into Darkwind's arms, utterly spent.
Terwis picked up the child, wiped her off and severed her umbilical cord. Selenay wrapped her in a blanket and handed her to Elspeth.
"Let's see the little trouble maker, Elspeth."
Elspeth took a deep breath, uncovered her child and held her up. Just as she rose, the sun broke over the horizon, bathing the child in golden sunlight.
"What is her name, parents?"
Darkwind and Elspeth looked at one another. There seemed to be a silent conference going between them. Finally they looked at the group of people.
"Her name is Windstar."
Healer Terwis smiled. Another successfully delivered baby. Gwena whinnied her approval. Firesong sent love and wisdom to the child. Vree landed on the bedpost to see the new hatchling. Selenay smiled, light shining through her eyes.
"Welcome to the world, Granddaughter Windstar."
~
Somewhere, far away, a mage in black threw his scrying stone into a wall.
"Damn! How could I have failed? It was a perfect plan!"
He vented his rage by throwing things around his workroom, though he was careful not to break anything important.
A strange figure moved toward the mage. It stood like a human, but the parts of it's skin sticking out of it's enormous black robes where covered in black scales.
"Creatorr," it hissed. "The child wasss born at dawn thissss morning."
The mage whirled to face the creature. "I know, dammit! I spent all of this night trying to prevent her birth!"
The black creature shook it's head. "No, Creatorr. The boy-child whossse Mage Talentsss you ssstretched. The one to be your Ssssecond. He will be a Great Adept, sssirr. Easssily the equal of thisss Windstar."
"Hmm. Very interesting, Tathil. I couldn't get rid of her this time around, so I will wait for this boy to grow up, and let him kill her. Excellent!" The mage's face was terrifying and beautiful at the same time, with the looks of a young God, and the terrible coldness of an ice sculpture. His white hair fell in a beautiful cascade behind him. The only thing to suggest he was abnormal was the lack of any color to his eyes. They were a pure, unbroken white, yet he could still see.
"Bring this child to me, Tathil. He must never know any savior besides me."
Tathil nodded. He flung off the robes, showing the reason for their bulkiness. The robes had hidden enormous bat-like wings. The creature walked to the window, jumped out, and flew off into the distance.
The mage picked up his scrying stone and looked to Valdemar again. Elspeth and Darkwind were coddling their new child, behaving like absolute fools. The mage smiled when he saw the little girl. He laughed a terrible, cruel laugh.
"Enjoy your life, little Windstar. It will be rather short."
~
Far overhead both Haven and the mage's hiding place, a golden eagle and a silver falcon flew. They knew what was to come. The golden eagle bobbed it's head to the silver falcon, and flew quickly to the dark mage's hiding place. Once there, he found a comfortable place in the forest and made himself at home. The silver falcon looked longingly to Haven, then flew to the Vales of the Tayledras. She would await her bondmate here, for as long as it took.
~
A.N. What did you think? Did you like it, hate it, love it? Any suggestions? That's what the little review box is for, people. I will listen to your reviews as much as I can. I would love to hear your comments. Till next chapter!
I don't own Elspeth, Darkwind, Firesong, Silverfox, Gwena, Vree, Talia, Selenay, Daren, or anyone or anything from Valdemar. Wish I did, but there you have it. They belong to Mercedes Lackey. Windstar is mine, though, as is Healer Terwis, Guildmaster Wetarn, Lady Coriya, and the Dark Mage, Tathil, and the birds. If I left anything out, I'm sorry, please don't sue me. All you'd get is my electric bass, and you don't want that, now do you? :)