One Month Later
I'm Dying, Dying to wake up without you, without you in my head again
I'm Dying, Dying to forget about you, that you ever lived
I'm Dying, Dying to find a distraction, get you away from me
I'm Dying, Dying to reach a conclusion, so that the world can see
I'm Dying to live without you again
Luka sat straight up in his bed, sweat gliding down his back, his forehead, his chest and soaking into the sheets beneath him. His breathing was erratic and penetrated the thick air around him.
He kept seeing their faces, calling to him, needing his help.
"I'm sorry," he whispered to the sky. "I'm sorry I couldn't save you, Danijela..."
He rolled out of bed and made his way to the shower trying to ignore the pile of Sam's clothes that were sitting in a pile on top of his dresser. Today was his family's anniversary. He could feel his heart, like a dead weight in his chest, pounding the blood around his veins.
For some reason, it was hitting him harder this year. He'd had the dreams every night for the past fortnight and he was shaken every time a young family or a child was brought into the ER. He could see Sam and Abby's growing worry for him but he couldn't speak to them. He felt guilty every time he spoke to Sam, not just because he was cheating on Abby with her but because he felt like he was cheating on his wife by being so in love with her.
He stepped under the jet spray and closed his eyes as he let the water soak his body, trailing down his face and over his chest.
He shouldn't be going in to work in this state.
He hadn't been with Sam for two weeks, hadn't really seen her except in work. They had been on opposite shifts for the past fortnight. They had managed a few passionate kisses, stolen away in elevators or at their cars as they passed by each other at the end or beginning of their shifts. But in the few hours that he did get to work with her, he could see that she knew he was hurting and he had tried to block her out.
He felt guilty for not talking to her about this. She spoke to him about her son and let him help her... but he simply couldn't return the favour.
When his body was thoroughly cleansed, he stepped out of the shower and dried himself, making his way to the bedroom to get dressed. He passed the pile of Sam's clothes on his dresser and he couldn't repress the smile that broke onto his face and he lifted them up and placed them in his cupboard on the shelf. They could stay there for the time being.
Sam walked through the doors of the ER and saw Luka standing at admit, in his green scrubs and she smiled slightly. She had missed him lately. She walked up to admit and propped her elbows on the desktop and let her chin rest in her hands. He turned to her and she was surprised to see how pale and tired he looked. His eyes were dark, way beyond what was a good look for him and his hair was standing up in all different directions. He copied her stance on the opposite side of the desk from him and he smiled tiredly at her.
"Morning," he muttered and moved his hand so that he touched her gently on the arm and smiled slightly, but Sam could see that it didn't touch his eyes.
"Morning," she smiled at him in the same manner he did to her. "You okay?"
She saw him look away from her and nod slightly while biting his lip.
"I'm fine, how are you?"
She leaned back off of the desk and began walking away, knowing that he would follow her, towards the lounge.
"I'm fine. I haven't been sleeping well lately. I keep waking up in the middle of the night, for absolutely no reason."
She felt him at her side and saw him shake his head.
"I've not been sleeping much lately either."
Sam could see that he was battling with something in his head and she pushed open the door to the empty lounge.
"Why not?" She asked as she pulled her scarf from around her neck and moved to her locker.
He shrugged from beside her and then shook his head. She saw him lean against the set of lockers lining the wall and she turned to him slightly, seeing him moving his mouth but not hearing the words escape.
"It's their anniversary today," he said eventually and clasped his hands together in front of him and Sam turned fully towards him after taking her jacket off. "Every year it's the same. I have..."
He trailed off when the door opened and Sam turned and saw Abby walk into the lounge, a cup of coffee clasped in her hands.
"Hey," Sam greeted her and glanced again at Luka who looked as though he was in great physical pain.
"I hate this double life," Abby complained as she put her cup on the counter and turned her back against the edge of it and looked at the two of them. "I've had four hours sleep up in the on call room and now I'm on my med student shift."
"You love it really," Luka laughed tiredly and moved towards Abby and touched her arm slightly.
Sam looked back into her locker and pulled out a bobble to hold her hair back. She had known that there was something on Luka's mind and now she knew why he had been on edge for the past fortnight. He looked really tired. She silently cursed Abby for walking in and interrupting him talking to her about what he was going through. She saw the struggle it took for him to say to her in the first place what today was and she wasn't sure that he would open up to her like that again.
"We better get out there, it's like a madhouse," Luka said as he walked to the door and Sam turned around and saw that he had closed off again.
She caught Abby's eye and saw Abby close her eyes and shake her head, indicating that she didn't know what was wrong with him.
Sam sighed and left the room.
There's always one reason
to feel not good enough
and it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
oh beautiful release
"What have we got?" Luka asked as he snapped his gloves over his hands and moved towards the three rolling gurneys that were being pushed through the entrance bay to the ER.
"Mother and two kids. Mother suffering from severe smoke inhalation, severe burns to her body, crushed underneath about a tonne of rubble."
"What the hell happened?" Luka managed as he looked at the family and saw the father standing in the background, following the three gurneys into the trauma rooms.
"Building collapsed. The husband was out getting some shopping, mother stayed at home with the kids. Something about unsteady foundations."
Luka followed the gurney with the mother into trauma one and he saw Sam begin to attach her up to various machines. His eyes scanned across the woman's body and he could already tell that there was not much that he could do for her. He looked through the partition doors and saw Carter and Haleh and Neela working on one of the children - a boy of about two years who had already been intubated. Behind them he saw Pratt, Chen and Ray Barnett working on the other child - a girl of about seven years old. He felt his throat close up as his mind supplied him with fresh images of his own family, lying dead around him.
He turned and saw Sam watching him with a questioning look on her face but he simply looked away from her. He saw the husband standing outside the doors of the trauma room, looking at Luka, his eyes pleading for him to try and save his wife.
"She's flat-lining!" He heard Abby say and he snapped out of his reverie and rushed towards her.
"Sam, start compressions, Abby charge the paddles!" He said as he ran towards the doors and threw them open calling for Haleh to help him.
Forty minutes later, Luka could feel exhaustion overwhelm him as he continued to compress the women's chest. He could feel the eyes of Abby, Haleh and Sam on him but he couldn't give up. His arms shook and his legs felt as though they would give out soon. But he couldn't stop.
He'd been where the man outside the door was. He'd been there. And he didn't want anyone to have to experience losing everyone they had ever loved within minutes. Carter had come in ten minutes before to tell him that neither of the children had survived.
He could feel tears prickle at his eyes but he blinked them away.
"Luka," he heard Sam's gentle voice say to him and he looked up at her. "It's time to stop."
But Luka shook his head and continued his compressions.
"Luka." He felt Sam's hand on his wrist but he pulled away from her.
"No one should have to experience this Sam!" He shouted at her as he pulled his whole body away from the bed and he could feel his throat close up and he swallowed hard to dislodge the lump there.
"For God sake, Luka-"
"No!" He shouted again as he moved towards the bed again but Sam grabbed his hands.
"She is not Danijela, Luka!"
He froze and snapped his head towards her.
From the corner of his eye he could see Abby freeze and look up.
Haleh looked to Abby. Abby looked to Haleh. Haleh and Abby looked slowly towards Sam and Luka who were standing on opposite sides of the bed, the dead mother laying between them on the gurney.
"You have no idea what this feels like, Sam," Luka said coldly and Sam pulled back from him and stared at him in disgust. "You have no idea what it's like to lose a family."
"I lost my son!" She shouted and Abby and Haleh frowned at one another in shock and turned back to the scene that was unfolding before them.
Abby tried to ignore the fact that Sam knew about Danijela.
Sam and Luka stared at each other from across the gurney and Abby could see the realisation wash over Luka's face and then guilt and regret began to seep into his eyes.
"Sam..." he began but Sam shook her head and walked out and Abby saw the tears shining in her eyes.
Abby watched as Luka closed his eyes and took a breath.
Abby tried to ignore the fact that Luka seemed to know that Sam had had a child while Abby didn't.
Eventually Luka opened his eyes and snapped his gloves off and brushed past Abby and Haleh without looking at either of them and stormed out of the trauma room.
"I didn't know Sam had a kid," Haleh said eventually when the air in the room lost none of its tension and Abby turned to her and shook her head, watching Luka's retreating form.
"Neither did I."
I can't remember how it went
You looked like everything I wanted
And as you came along
Slowly everything began to change
Sam sat before the husband and the father of two and watched as his face was lost in his hands and his body overcome by violent convulsions.
"We tried everything we could," she whispered to him as she felt her own tears begin to threaten her eyes.
She hated doing this. Damn Luka for buggering off like that. This was his job, she shouldn't be the one to do this.
"Doctor Carter will be in to tell you more information, if you want to know the specifics."
Sam saw the man nod his head and she stood to leave but the man's hand on her wrist stopped her and she looked down at his soaked face.
"Thank you."
Sam nodded and turned her head away from him as she pulled her lips between her teeth and screwed her eyes closed to stop tears from falling.
"I'm glad you told him to stop."
Sam looked back down at the man, who was now staring at the floor.
"Even if he had managed to bring her back... she would never have woken up, would she?"
Sam shook her head and cleared her throat.
"No," she muttered and swiped at the rebellious tear that streaked down her cheek. "Her brain had been deprived of oxygen for too long... she would never have woken up."
The man cried again and Sam blinked away the tears in her eyes. She could kill Luka right now for leaving like he did.
"Then thank you. I wouldn't have been able to survive with her living like that. It would tear me apart." He was lost in sobs again and Sam placed her hand over his that was still resting on her wrist. "Because then I would have been the one to tell them to switch it all off..."
Sam stayed for a few more seconds but then she excused herself and escaped into the corridor where she allowed a few tears to trek down her cheeks.
"Hey, are you okay?" She looked up when she heard John and saw that his eyes were red-rimmed.
"No, I just had to tell him that his wife and kids are dead." She sobbed slightly but then straightened up and wiped at her face and smiled at him.
He watched her for a second then looked down to his feet.
"I heard about what you said to Luka..."
Sam winced and looked away down the corridor and drew her lips together.
"I feel like such a bitch," she muttered through clenched teeth and she saw John nod.
"Yeah. But... I also heard what he said back to you. None of us knew you had a kid, Sam."
"He knew," Sam said quickly and looked back to John, her eyes holding fire.
They were silent for a second and then John put his hand on Sam's wrist and tugged her closer to him slightly.
"I'm not going to get mad at you for kicking Luka's ass but... he went through a hard time, dealing with what happened. He doesn't talk about it to anyone. He only told me about ten minutes ago what actually happened to them."
"He's still here?" Sam asked shocked and pulled back from John slightly.
He nodded and bit the inside of his lip.
"He told me... it doesn't matter what he told me but... he's - upset with you right now."
Sam laughed in the back of throat but it wasn't a pleasant sound.
"Right now, I feel like hitting him over the head with a fucking hammer," she muttered and sniffed.
John smiled slightly and then pulled Sam into a quick hug.
"If you ever need to talk about... you know, I'm always willing to listen. You're a good friend."
Sam smiled against John's shoulder and nodded slightly.
"Thank you," she muttered into his shoulder and pulled back from him with a smile on her lips. "You better get in there." She motioned behind her and saw John nod and move past her.
She walked up the corridor towards the lounge thankful that her shift was now officially over. As she passed admit she felt the eyes of many of the ER staff on her back and she heard Abby call out to her.
"Sam, wait up!"
Sam paused for a second until she saw Abby appear at her side and then began walking.
"If you've come to tell me how shitty I acted towards Luka don't bother, I already know," she said before Abby had a chance to speak.
"I was going to say congratulations for kicking his ass - he needs it sometimes."
Sam turned to her and raised her eyebrow.
"So... you don't think it was crap?"
Abby shook her head.
"I didn't say that," she laughed and pushed open the door to the lounge. "But... someone has needed to kick him up the ass like that for years. He needs to talk to someone, get help, but he won't. He doesn't talk to anyone about it."
Sam looked down from Abby's eyes and bit the inside of her lip.
There was silence while the both of them fiddled about inside their lockers.
"Why didn't you tell me that you had a son?" Abby asked finally and Sam looked away and winced.
She shrugged and looked at Abby - who was now wearing scrubs - and shook her head.
"It's not something that I like to talk about."
Abby nodded and popped a sweet in her mouth.
"That's understandable. I just... wish you'd told me."
Sam smiled and placed her hand on Abby's shoulder.
"I'm sorry. I just... don't like talking about it."
Abby rolled her eyes as they made their way back out of the lounge.
"You sound just like Luka."
Sam smiled and said her goodbyes before leaving the hospital and made her way up to parking lot towards her car.
It don't make no difference
escaping one last time
it's easier to believe in this sweet madness oh
this glorious sadness that brings me to my knees
Luka leaned against the hood of her car and saw her approach. As she drew closer, he could hear her sniffing and he closed his eyes against the sight of her tears.
He had been so angry with her when he had spoken to Carter but now he just wanted to talk to her, to apologise, to see her.
He looked up when he heard her keys rattle. She wasn't even going to acknowledge him.
He pushed himself off of the hood as she moved past him, her eyes cast downwards.
"Sam..." he said as he reached out to her but her hand evaded his grasp.
"Luka... don't. Not now."
"Sam, please," he pleaded with her, his hand finally finding hers.
"No, Luka. I just... don't think I can be alone with you just now."
He felt his heart stop at those words.
"Please..." he choked out and his eyes stared into hers." Come home with me. Please."
He saw her nod slightly and he sighed.
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
Luka allowed Sam to open the door to his apartment and he followed her inside. They had driven there in his truck in silence. He could see that Sam was fighting with herself in her head and he had wanted to reach out and take her hand but he knew that she was still mad at him for forgetting she had lost her child too.
Hell, he was still mad at himself for saying that to her.
They sat on opposite sides of the sofa and he watched as she drew her knees up in front of her chest and hugged them.
They sat in silence for a long time and Luka let his eyes wander over his apartment. He spotted the pictures on one of the shelves next to the bookcase. His mother and father, him and Abby, him and Sam, John and him, the staff at the ER. There was none of his wife and children. They were all still in a box in the spare bedroom, hidden underneath piles of old clothes and linen.
He heard Sam sigh and he turned his eyes back to her.
"I'm sorry, Luka, about today. I just... I don't like to see you hurting like that." He could hear the tears in her voice and he felt his own tear ducts spill over.
They were silent for a while after that and Luka thought back to his photographs. He stood abruptly and saw Sam look at him. He motioned her to be still.
"I'll be back soon, there's something I need to do."
He watched her nod slowly and then left the lounge, making his way to the spare bedroom.
He slowly opened the door and looked at all the boxes still piled in there years after he had unpacked the rest of his things.
I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
He pulled the tape off of one of the boxes and sat down next to it. He could feel his heart pounding in his chest and he couldn't control the tears in his eyes.
He slid his hand into the box and pulled out an album. He heard his own sob as he looked down at the white, leather bound album. It was his and Danijela's wedding album. He simply sat with his hand on top of it for a few minutes, allowing his own mental images slide across his memory. Her smiling widely as she walked down the aisle towards him looking more beautiful than anything he had ever seen. Her teary eyes as she muttered that she would forever be his, forever love him. He slowly opened the album and looked down at the first picture. It was just the two of them, looking at one another and laughing, her hand resting on his cheek.
As memory seeps from my veins
let me be empty
and weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight
He smiled at the memory and flipped through the rest of the photos quickly, none really comparing to the ones he held deep inside of his heart.
When he pulled out the next album his whole body froze - it was the baby book. The one that had all of the pictures of the children in it.
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
He wept openly as he flipped through them, stopping occasionally to observe one or two and allow his own memory to take him back to the beautiful times they had.
Another hour passed and he made it to the end of the last album. He looked back to the ajar door and thought of Sam in the other room. He was surprised that she hadn't come looking for him. But a part of him told him that he knew that she wouldn't. She knew that he was doing something that he had needed to do for a long, long time.
He leaned his back against one of the heavier boxes and held a framed photograph of him, a pregnant Danijela and Jasna to his chest and tilted his head back.
You used to captivate me
By your resonating life
Now I'm bound by the life you've left behind
"I was so in love with you that it almost killed me," he whispered to them, as though they were there in the room with him. "I am still so in love with you, with all of you. I think about you every day. I miss you so much, so much. I'm sorry that I couldn't save you, any of you." He paused as his throat closed. "When I saw you being lowered into the wet ground all those years ago back in Croatia, part of me went with you, and I'll never be able to get that part of me back." His voice croaked as he spoke and he sniffed every few seconds. "But I have to let you go. I know I promised to love you forever, and I will. But I'm in love with an amazing woman. I know, Dani, that you'll totally disapprove of the way I'm acting with her but I'm in love with her and... You'd like her, a lot. I know that I do," he laughed slightly but lowered his head. "I feel like I'm cheating on you by being with her, not Abby. I love Abby, I really do, but... there's something about Sam that makes me think that she is the one that I could love for the rest of my life."
I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me
He picked up the albums and put them back into the box. Looking to the ceiling one more time he put his hand over his heart and whispered:
"I'll never forget you."
He made his way back into the lounge and saw Sam sitting on the couch, the same way she had been when he left. She had been crying. Her eyes turned to him and he smiled slightly at her.
Sitting close to her, he pulled her body into his and held her against his chest tight.
"I miss them. And it's so hard to forget about them," he muttered into her hair and stroked her back.
He could hear her sob into his chest.
"You can't forget about them, Luka... They're a part of you. You should never want to forget them and I would never ask you to. Or stop missing them. Or stop loving them. It's a part of you, Luka, and its part of the reason why I'm so in love with you."
He cried again and kept his arms wrapped around Sam's body, gripping her body tightly to his.
"I love you, Sam," he murmured into her hair, repeating it a few times in both Croatian and English.
He picked her up and carried her to their bedroom some time later, when he heard her breathing even out. Gently laying her down, he stood back and watched her as she automatically shuffled over to her side of the bed, her body curling at the stomach and one of her hands rising to rest under cheek.
He didn't even bother to take his clothes off as he slid under the covers beside her and spooned her back to his chest.
You are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort there
TBC
Songs used: Dying, Five for Fighting
Angel, Sarah McLachlan
My Immortal, Evanescence
Vertical Horizon - Give You Back