Skies without stars
all the nights without you
I watch the world
from a room without a view

Lying in his bed, he stared out of the window, clutching her parting gift in his hand fist. That's all he seemed to be able to do. From his vantage point, he could see over the city. It was a beautiful view, normally, but for the past four days he couldn't see beauty in anything.

He hadn't been able to settle when he left Sam's apartment five nights ago and had jumped into his car and driven to Lake Geneva. He hadn't lifted his coat and in the few seconds it had taken him to reach from his doorway to his car, he had been soaked through and through and chilled to the bone. But then, he didn't know if the chill feeling in his bones was of the same origin as the hollow feeling in his chest, or the cold. He doubted it was the cold as, now, laying under his duvet, with sweat slicking his legs, he could still feel the chill in his bones.

Standing from his bed, he walked towards the window and pushed it open, feeling the smattering of rain hit his bare chest and he leaned his side against the sill. The midday sun was streaking its hazy rays across every building he could see glinting off of the metal of the cars in the streets below, blinking off of the panes of glass that served as barriers against the smattering of rain that hadn't really stopped for the past week. In the distance, above the freeway, he could see a rainbow and could almost hear Sam's giggling, child-like voice as she stared in wonderment at the multi-coloured arc.

Closing his eyes and opening his palm, he traced his fingers over the pendant and sighed. He felt as though he had lost his family all over again. And he felt guilty for that. He had been with Danijela for years, had had two children with her - loved them all and was still so very much in love with them. But, in the few months he had known Sam, he had come to be more in love with her than he had ever been, and being without her was causing such turmoil to his body that he wasn't sure that it was healthy.

He couldn't remember the last time he had eaten a proper meal. He had a few scrimps and scrapes here and there but that was all. He'd had no substantial meal for days. He had called into the hospital the second he arrived back from Lake Geneva and had asked for the rest of the week off. He had unplugged the phone after that and sat in solitude on his sofa, staring at the blank screen of his plasma television feeling nothing.

Nothing but her touch. Nothing but her essence in his home. What he had come to call their home.

As soon as he had stepped foot inside his apartment, he had known she had been there. He could just feel her. And when he had moved to his bedroom and saw her dress spread out on his bed, his assumptions had been confirmed. His eyes had scanned his wardrobe and noticed the lack of her clothes. He can remember freshly how empty that had made him feel. He couldn't remember the last time he had ever thought that his house had felt more empty.

And then he had seen the pendant, her key and the broken chain - a symbol of their relationship. Beautiful, right up until someone yanked it from them. And he had been that someone. He was a masochist. He had to be. No one else would cause such pain to themselves.

Opening his eyes, he looked down at the piece of metal in his hand and smiled slightly.

He liked that expression appearing on her face. Maybe it was the sheer amount of alcohol he had consumed but she seemed to be genuinely happy by his little impromptu gift.

"Luka... oh my god..."

He loved the way she pronounced his name. Watching her fawn over the white gold chain, he was overcome by the sudden desire to lean forward and kiss her. But he didn't.

"I just... saw it and thought of you..."

He still thought about her when he saw it. Reaching down he inserted the plug for the phone back into the wall and stood straight again, looking out over the city.

He wondered where she was, what she was doing. Was she, like him, thinking of their lost time together, their happier times - for him, some of the happiest and most peaceful times of his life. Checking his watch, he realised that that was probably not likely as she was supposed to be at work. Had she called in like him? Or had she been able to brave the world and go in?

He jumped slightly when the loud, shrill sound interrupted the silence. His jerk had caused the chain to fall from his hand and he watched, frozen as it slid onto the sill and out of the open window. Suddenly, realising what had happened, he surged forward and attempted to grab it but it was out of his reach before he could.

Symbolic...

"Hello?" He barked when he yanked up his cordless receiver.

"Luka? It's me Abby."

He closed his eyes and shook his head. He really didn't want to talk to anyone, least of all her. He felt horrible about the way he had treated her.

"Ouch... we were wondering if you had seen Sam?"

Luka frowned and sat on the edge of the window sill, cocking his head into the phone.

"No, why?" He asked, testily.

There was a pause.

"Well... she hasn't shown up to any of her shifts this week and she hadn't called in... and we thought maybe you could go around and check her apartment?"

"Haven't you called her?"

"Of course we have," she replied angrily and he could tell she was frustrated at him. "Her cell and her house, her cell is off and there's no answer at her home number. Luka, we're really bogged down here, we could use all the help we can-"

"I'm not coming in."

"Luka what the hell is wrong with you? You never miss a day of work and here you are, taking a whole week off. And at the same time Sam goes MIA. And now you don't want to help us find out if she is okay? What the hell is going on with you?"

"Look, I'm fine. I just... I need time to recharge. I've been running on empty for a while now. I just need to get some things sorted in my head before I come back - or do you want me to come in and misdiagnose patients?" His tone had been harsher than he had intended but he was not about to apologise.

She was silent for so long that Luka feared she had dropped the phone and had left him hanging.

"Can you at least go around and check on her apartment for us?" Abby asked, her voice defeated and pleading.

"I don't think that would be the best thing I could do," he whispered truthfully, his voice having lost its edge and he could hear Abby's confused breath on the other end of the line.

"Have you guys had another stupid fight?"

Luka lowered his head then turned and stared down to the street below and saw the chain reflect the sun's rays as water bounced around about it.

"I wouldn't call it stupid but yeah - something like that..."

"Do you think that has something to do with her taking off?"

Luka wanted to badly to tell her yes. But he didn't even know if she had taken off. But something inside him told him that she was no longer in Chicago.

"I don't know... I don't think so," he lied.

"Okay." There was silence for a while. "When will you be in?"

"Two days, I'm on seven until nine."

"And you complain about running on low..." she accused lightly and he smiled slightly, his head sticking out of his window, bent down to the ground.

God but he must look odd to passers by.

"So... I'll see you on Friday?"

Luka nodded.

"Yeah."

"Okay. Bye." There was another pause. "I love you."

He couldn't say it to her. He couldn't.

"Yeah."

And he hung up, tossed the phone aside, pulled the plug out and ran to the door, down his flight of stairs and onto the street to retrieve her necklace.

He wasn't ready to let it go yet.

It was the only part he had left of her and he wasn't sure he would ever be able to let it go - it was part of his memory, part of their memory - and could never let it go... even if he wanted to.

If you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone...