Chapter 3

"All in a Knight's Work"

Cleaning up after dinner was always a chore, more so this evening than most because of the foul humor Shrek was in. He was still a little put off about Donkey opening his big mouth, and he was in no mood to answer any questions.

But that didn't stop Fiona from posing them.

"Would you please just tell me what's wrong?" Fiona asked Shrek for what was, by his count anway, about the billionth time since dinner.

"Nothing's wrong - I just don't understand why's everybody's so hot an' bothered just because I happened to help some people out ONE TIME, all right?" the ogre grumbled in response as he carried an armful of dishes to the wooden wash basin he had dragged in from outside. "I just…I don't get why we're making such a big deal about this 'hero' rubbish, is all I'm sayin'."

"And all I'm saying is that I don't understood why you seem so dead-set against the idea! If you'd just tell me what was bothering you- "

"Nothing is botherin' me!" he shouted angrily as he plopped the dishes into the basin's soapy water with a splash. "Why can't you just leave this alo- "

A knock at the door, just audible over the combined racket of the ogre's protests and the clatter of the dishes as they settled in the wash basin, stopped Shrek in mid-rant.

"NOW WHAT!?!" he bellowed, throwing his arms into the air. He stomped to the door and threw it open, glaring out into the night at - nothing.

"Who…what's goin' on?" he muttered to himself in confusion and irritation. If this was Donkey's idea of a prank, Shrek wasn't laughing.

Just then, he felt at tug at the patchwork fabric of his faded plaid pants. He glanced down, and found himself face-to-wee-face with one of the "fairies" he and Donkey had run into earlier. At least, he thought it was one of the…things…he had met earlier. To be honest, he wasn't sure. They all looked the same to him - small and scared and annoying.

"Oh, it's you," Shrek growled. "What do y'want now?"

The diminutive visitor removed his pointed red hat to reveal a shock of bright blue hair above his childlike, almost sickeningly cute face. His shaking hands fidgeted with the hat as he stared up, wide-eyed with awe and fear, at the clearly unhappy ogre.

"Well?" Shrek prodded, already tiring of this unexpected visitor.

"Oh, g-great and p-powerful ogre! I..uh…I have b-been sent b-b-by the King of the Pixies to ask f-for your help in r-r-ridding our forest h-home of the evil po-po-poach- hunters that threaten our p-people," the pixie squeaked, his tiny knees knocking together, his teeth chattering despite the warm swamp air outside. "Uh, if you please!" he concluded with a awkward, hurried bow that did little to make Shrek feel anymore inclined to get involved.

"Sorry - not interested!" Shrek snapped, reaching for the door again. By this time, the commotion at the door had drawn the attention of Donkey and Dragon, who had conveniently ducked outside when it became obvious that Shrek was in no mood for company. It had also caught the attention of Fiona, who quietly slipped up behind her husband.

"He would be HAPPY to help," she answered for Shrek in a pleasant but firm voice, and everyone involved looked up suddenly at this previously unnoticed addition to the conversation. "Wouldn't you, Shrek?"

Shrek turned to his wife to disagree, but he could tell by the way her eyes flashed beneath her auburn bangs, the way she crossed her arms as she leaned forward to hear his answer, and especially by the tone of her usually melodic voice that there was no point in arguing.

"Sure…whatever," he sighed resignedly, gesturing half-heartedly for the pixie to lead the way.

"Thank you, Shrek," Fiona purred, giving him a quick kiss on the cheek as he headed out the door. "And Shrek, honey?"

"Yes…dear?" he asked, turning back toward the house, his face illuminated by the fire within.

"Take Donkey with you."

Donkey jumped to his four feet, a grin on his face. He liked adventures, as long as they weren't dangerous…or scary…or dirty…

"But…but - Dragon's here!" Shrek argued weakly, trying desperately to find an excuse to leave Donkey behind but already knowing he didn't stand a chance. "I mean, shouldn't Donkey stay here with her?"

"I'm sure Dragon can manage by herself for a few hours," Fiona responded in a loving if slightly patronizing tone. "Isn't that right, Dragon?"

The immense creature nodded and uttered a low roar, which Fiona took as an affirmative.

"Fine," Shrek huffed. "Come on, Donkey…"

"All right! Shrek and Donkey to the rescue!" Donkey shouted as he scrambled to catch up with Shrek and his now-eager guide. Fiona and Dragon could hear him jabbering away as the trio faded into the gloomy swamp night. "Man-o-man, this is gonna be just like old times - y'know, but without the lava, or those singin' robbers, or that Farquaad guy, or…"

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In the deepest, darkest recesses of the forest, three small figures cowered in a rickety wooden cage, a heavy iron lock clamped around its barred door. Making things worse, the cage was being held a good six feet off the ground by its owner, a grimy-looking peasant dressed in a threadbare green jerkin and ragged, patched leggings. He leered at his terrified quarry, showing off a mouth full of yellow, rotten teeth.

"Took a while, ya little buggers, but we gotcha, didn't we?" he cackled. "Oughtta be worth a couple gold pieces apiece, an' even if ye're not…well, there's always dinner."

The tiny prisoners' eyes grew wider, their mouths hanging open in mute horror.

"Ever heard the sounds a big, boilin' pot of hot pixie stew makes when it's cookin'?" he continued with vicious glee. "It's sort of a 'Snap, crackle…crackle…hey, what would you call that last sound?"

The hunter's companion, a thin, nervous-looking little man, tore his eyes away from his apprehensive lookout long enough to glance at his friend. He didn't like the forest, especially at night. It was full of wild animals and magic things and who knew what else.

"Huh? Oh, uh, I don't know…'Pop' maybe?" he offered, glancing nervously over his shoulder as a wolf (at least, he thought it was a wolf) howled in the distance.

"Naw, it's not a 'pop!'" the first man grunted. "It's more of a…a…KERSPLAT!"

He shook a cage as he shouted his new sound effect, laughing as his panicked prey shrieked in terror.

"Yeah, 'kersplat' - that's…that's great," his jumpy friend stammered pitifully. "Now can we go?"

"Oh, don't be such a chicken!" the hunter answered with more than a trace of contempt in his voice. "Just a couple more of these things an' we're set for the rest of the season. Now hold this thing while I look arou- AHA!"

He tossed the cage to his startled partner in crime and began to creep toward one of the bushes at the edge of the clearing. Just visible above the topmost leaves of the shrub was the tip of a red hat, shaking slightly in the night breeze. The poacher crept slowly toward to the bush, whispering to himself as he eased closer.

"Easy, easy now…just a little closer…aaaaaand GOTCHA!" he shouted, lunging for the hat.

He looked down, expecting to see the quivering form of another unlucky pixie. What he got, though, was an up-close and personal look at Donkey, an awkward smile on the animal's fuzzy face, the hat still balanced on one long, grey ear.

"Hi!" Donkey piped up brightly as he bounced to his feet, hopping over the bush and taking a few steps toward the startled hunter, who took a few unsteady paces backward before falling to the ground in shock.

"What? Cat got your tongue?" Donkey asked in mock (well, mostly mock) confusion as he took a couple more steps in the hunter's direction. "Don't tell me ya don't wanna talk. I mean, ya can't just go around grabbin' a guy's ears like that an' then not wanna talk…that'd be rude!"

"G…g…get away from me!" the peasant managed to get out as he crawled backward along the wet, slippery forest floor on his hands and feet, never taking his eyes off the "monster" in front of him. He finally reached his trembling companion, who stood frozen in fright at the edge of the clearing, the cage in one hand, a old, battered oil lamp in the other. Struggling to his feet, the hunter took two fistfuls of his friend's dingy shirt in his hands and shook the man violently.

"Let's get out of here!" he hissed. The pair eased toward the leafy darkness, step by step, their eyes glued on Donkey.

"Now where're ya goin'?" the animal asked as the poachers backed away. "What, you're just gonna leave, just like that? I tell ya, Shrek, these peasants today…"

Suddenly, just as they had begun to fade into the shadows beyond the clearing, the two hapless hunters felt something big and solid block their paths. They turned slowly around. The smaller man raised the sputtering lantern, his shaking hand causing its feeble light to bounce crazily as it lit up the lush branches of the trees around them - and the towering green giant that had until now waited, unnoticed, among them.

"Ye can't be leavin' already - we just got here!" Shrek spoke up cheerfully. "Now, why don't we just sit down an' talk this over like gentlemen, hmm?"

He leaned forward, smiling wickedly, his jagged, uneven teeth glinting in the lantern light. Scaring off unwanted "guests" of the peasant variety was an unavoidable consequence of being an ogre, and Shrek was very good at it after years of practice.

"Well?"

The two poachers just stared, dumbstruck. The smaller one let the cage slip from his numb fingers. Its lock popped open as it clattered to the ground, and in an instant the three diminutive prisoners were out the door and into the underbrush, their muffled cheers fading away as they disappeared into the night.

"Don't feel like talkin', eh? Oh, well - suit yerselves," Shrek said with a shrug as he picked a few stubborn leaves from his shirt and swept a stray twig from atop his ear. He looked over the heads of his silent audience at his waiting friend. "So…what do YOU think we should do with 'em, Donkey?"

"We COULD let 'em go…"

The two offenders' eyes turned to Shrek hopefully, but the ogre shook his head.

"Let 'em go? Now, where's the fun in that, I ask ye? No…hmmm…we could skin 'em - I've been thinkin' about gettin' a new vest."

"Naw, naw, that won't work - they're all dirty an' smelly an' stuff. Got fleas, too, I bet."

"Ye're probably right. So, no skinnin.' How about some fishin,' then? Probably make good bait, once the 'gators get used to the taste…"

The men's eyes darted in rising panic from Shrek to Donkey and back again as the two friends debated their fate.

"I've got it!" Shrek finally shouted in triumph.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah! We can cook 'em! A little hot water, a couple mushrooms, a pinch o' salt for seasonin' - instant peasant stew!"

"But, Shrek, we had peasant stew for dinner LAST night…"

"It doesn't have to be stew, I guess. We could make peasant sandwiches, or peasant-ka-bobs, or even a little peasant soufflé …how's peasant soufflé sound t'you?"

"Well…it HAS been a long time since we had peasant soufleé , an' it IS my favorite…"

"It's settled, then - peasant soufleé it is!"

Shrek reached out and took hold of the two men, his huge green hands clamping down on their shoulders. "Come on, lads," he said as he began to lead them back into the forest. "Might as well get goin- "

It was too much for the would-be hunters. They broke loose from the ogre's grip, trying to get as far away from him as possible while still keeping a safe distance from the talking donkey.

"You…you wouldn't REALLY eat a couple of law-abidin' citizens like us, would you?" the hunter asked in a desperate attempt to change the ogre's mind, cowering behind his smaller companion. "At least not both us fellows…"

"Hey!" the smaller man yelped as he caught on to what his "friend"s was suggesting.

"Oh, I think I can manage," Shrek responded in a whisper, making a move toward the pair. "After all, y'know what they say - there's always room for fellow!"

"B…but, but - we…we don't want to get eaten!" the hunter broke down, crying, as he and his friend huddled in the middle of the clearing.

"Oh? Well, why didn't ye say so?" Shrek answered in a tone of shocked surprise. "If ye don't WANT to be eaten, I guess ye could always - GET LOST!!!"

That was all the two men needed to hear. With a shriek, they scrambled to their feet and into the woods, leaving behind a cloud of dust and the sound of branches snapping and muffled curses as they tripped over each other and seemingly everything else in the forest in their mad rush to escape.

With a grunt and a shake of his lumpy head at the sorry sight, Shrek glanced down to his feet, expecting some sort of 'thank you' for his late-night rescue.

He was to be disappointed.

"Well, that's that then. Now how 'bout a - Hey, where are the little ankle-biters?"

Donkey looked around, just as confounded as Shrek by the pixies' sudden disappearance. It was no use - they were long gone.

"Humph! How d'you like that?" Donkey said with a huff, mirroring Shrek's scowl as best he could. "Some thanks we get - come out here in the dark and the - the dark…"

Shrek took one last look around, finding nothing, then headed off once again into the woods in the direction of his swamp, his house and his wife.

"C'mon, Donkey - Let's go home…"

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"…and then Shrek was like, 'We could eat 'em,' and they was all 'No, don't eat us!" and he then goes, he goes 'Then GET LOST!' Man, it was great!"

Once again in the comfort of their humble home, Shrek and Donkey (mostly Donkey) were regaling Fiona and Dragon with the story of their adventure.

"It all sounds very exciting, Donkey," Fiona finally said, reaching out to take Shrek's hand as he listened to Donkey relive the night's events for about the 20th time since they'd left the clearing, "and VERY heroic…"

"I guess," Shrek mumbled with a shrug. He wasn't entirely convinced, but he was too tired to argue. Besides, it obviously made Fiona happy to think of him as a hero, and if it made her happy - well, then it made him happy. A small smile twitched across his lips, and he squeezed Fiona's hand gently.

That's me he thought to himself as she scooted closer, laying her head on his shoulder as Donkey continued with his story. Shrek the hero…

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