Chapter 4

"More Unwanted Guests"

The dinner party lasted late into the night, until finally Dragon excused herself and headed home to begin "straightening up" for Donkey's visit, eager to avoid what promised to be a nasty thunderstorm looming on the horizon. Not long after, Donkey settled into his usual spot on the floor in front of the fireplace, buried in a old patchwork quilt Shrek had dug up somewhere. A few minutes later, Fiona kissed her husband goodnight and shuffled off to bed, leaving him alone to ponder the day's excitement.

Shrek had just crawled into bed himself when a rap at the door echoed through the house. Muttering a few ogre curses under his breath, he slipped out from beneath the covers piled on the bed so as not to disturb Fiona and stumbled to the door, rubbing the sleep from his eyes as he continued to grumble to himself, tugging at the sagging waistline of his oldest, most worn-out (and favorite) pajama bottoms.

"Can't an ogre get any sleep 'round here? That's all I'm askin' - a little peace…a little quiet…a little PRIVACY once in a while…

"An' if it's that pixie again, I swear, I'm goin' ta- "

As he reached the door, another knock shook the hut, much too loud and much too powerful, Shrek noted, than the pixie could possibly be capable of. He grabbed the rope handle that served as a doorknob and pulled the portal open. Still half-asleep, he squinted as he gazed out into the darkness - and found himself staring at dozens of tiny reflections of his own startled face, peering up at him from the shiny metal studs that dotted the cracked, well-worn suit of armor that filled the doorframe.

Shrek's eyes followed the rows of studs upward, until he was staring into the bloodshot eyes of a colossal (even by Shrek's standards) ogre, a disinterested, almost bored expression on its shadowed, emerald face.

"Evening, Shrek," the visitor said quietly, almost inaudibly above the now-howling wind and the rumble of thunder, the menace thick in his voice despite its even tone. "I'd heard there was an ogre out this way…"

"You…wha…" Shrek managed to get out, stunned by the sight of this unexpected "guest" standing on his front porch.

"And not just any ogre, mind you. No, no, no…the very 'jolly green giant' who freed Duloc from that little tyrant Farquaad all those months ago," the brute continued, ignoring Shrek's hushed comments and the heavy drops of rain that splattered against his armor. "Oh yes, quite the name you've made for yourself here in Duloc - hero."

"Look, I don't know what ye're doin' here, an' frankly, I don't care," Shrek began to argue, regaining his composure, his voice growing louder as he planted one thick finger in the creature's chest. "But if ye know what's good for you, ye'll do it somewhere else!"

The menacing visitor listened patiently to Shrek's rants until the ogre was out of breath, then calmly reached up to take hold of the prodding finger, enveloping the digit in one gnarled hand.

"Do not presume to tell me what I may or may not do," he growled. "You forfeited THAT privilege a long time ag- "

"Hey, Shrek! Who ya talkin' to?"

Despite his best efforts to keep things quiet, Shrek's protests had awakened Donkey, who rose slowly from his place by the fire.

"Go back to sleep, Donkey," Shrek hissed through gritted teeth as his "guest" ducked his head to get a better look at the ogre's friend. He leered over Shrek's shoulder, his beady eyes twinkling beneath the horned helmet resting unevenly on his downturned ears, and suddenly Donkey didn't really WANT to know who was at the door. He dove back under the blanket, his quivering tail just visible beyond its frayed edge.

"Donkey? What donkey? I don't see any donkeys," he muttered from beneath the quilt. "Anyway, I'm asleep - been asleep all night, too! So he couldn't have been talkin' t'me…."

"A talking donkey? Will wonders never cease?" the "guest" commented as he turned his attention back to Shrek. "So, what other surprises can I expe- "

"Shrek, honey? Who's there?"

A sleepy voice interrupted the ogres' discussion, and both turned their heads to find a still-groggy Fiona at Shrek's side.

If the creature had smiled at Donkey's presence, he positively beamed at the sight of Fiona, the firelight glinting off his jagged teeth.

"And this must be the princess. Milady," he said with a bow to the startled ogress. "I must admit, Shrek, I'm impressed. I never thought of you as much the ladies' man, but you've done surprisingly well for yourself. And they say she was human, too…amazing."

"Who ARE you?" Fiona demanded, confused and annoyed and a touch cranky from lack of sleep.

"I- "

"Was just leaving," Shrek finished for him, glaring at the visitor. "Isn't that right, Grunder?"

Grunder opened his mouth to disagree, but decided against it.

"That I was. A…pleasure…as always, Shrek. Milady," he excused himself, bowing again. Straightening, he slid his helmet back into position and headed off once again into the night, leaving behind a very shaken ogre and his equally bewildered wife.

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"Who was that, Shrek?"

The ogre wanted nothing more than to get back into bed and forget all about his late-night visitor, but Fiona was not going to let the subject drop so easily. The couple had entertained a lot of unusual guests in the past months - the earlier visit by the pixie was a perfect example - but never another ogre. To be honest, Fiona had no idea that there even were other ogres in Duloc.

"Nobody," Shrek grumbled in response as he crawled back into bed.

"A very BIG nobody," Fiona shot back as she lay down next to him. She knew Shrek avoided discussing his past if at all possible. But she also knew that lack of communication had nearly ruined their relationship once before, and she wasn't about to risk it again. "So…are you going to tell me what that was all about, or are we back to secrets again?"

"There's nothing t'tell - Grunder's just an…an old friend," Shrek answered tiredly.

"Oh, yeah - he seemed very friendly…"

"I'll tell you all about it in the mornin.' OK?"

"You promise?"

"Promise."

"Really?"

"Really, really."

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Shrek sat awake, staring at the cracked mud ceiling of his bedroom, until he heard the unmistakable sound of Fiona's snore. With one last look at his peacefully slumbering wife, he slipped out of bed for the second time that evening, leaning over to give Fiona a quick kiss goodbye.

He tiptoed across the floor and parted the snakeskin curtain that separated their bedroom from the rest of the house, making sure Donkey was still asleep. Satisfied that he was the only one awake, Shrek crept past the prone form of his friend to the bookcase on the far side of the room. Doing his best to keep quiet, he lifted the dented knight's helm he had worn the day he had rescued Fiona from its usual spot, brushing away the dust and cobwebs. Tucking his ears back, he slipped it over his head, then reached up to take a rusty sword (another memento of the rescue) from its place on the wall.

Better safe than sorry he thought to himself as he made his way to the door. The rope hinges creaked as he eased it open, and for a second Shrek thought he had gotten this far only to awaken Donkey. But the animal just mumbled to himself and rolled over, oblivious.

With a sigh of what he told himself was relief and one last longing glance at his humble home, Shrek was gone.

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