Chapter 6

"Fiona to the Rescue"

Shrek braced himself for what was coming, curling up into a tight green ball as the dragon's jaws sprang open -

- and then snapped shut again, the creature cutting its attack short as something (or someone) behind the cowering ogre caught its attention. His eyes shut tight, Shrek could only imagine what was taking place overhead as he heard the beast roar again, followed by a loud thump and then a whimper of pain and surprise.

He managed to open one brown eye just in time to see the dragon, its snout red and swollen, retreat back into the river, disappearing below the water's surface until only a trail of bubbles remained.

Shrek lay like that for what seemed to him like hours, one eye glued to the river until he was sure the danger was past. Shrek was no coward, but he knew that he'd gotten VERY lucky, and he wasn't about to risk another go-round with the monster's just because he was in a hurry to get moving again.

He would have stayed there, too, but the sound of footsteps coming closer and a firm tap on his shoulder brought him scrambling to his feet. The ogre spun around, wishing very badly that the sword hadn't ended up in some beast's belly. In that split-second, dozens of potential perils raced through his mind, each more terrible than the last. But nowhere in that menacing menagerie had his mind ever thought to include -

"Fiona?"

But there his wife stood, her dress torn and stained by the morning's journey, her usual meticulous braids replaced by a simple, hastily tied ponytail that hung past her waist. She looked tired…tired and angry.

Shrek took off the helmet, running his hand nervously across his bald head. It was obvious she wasn't happy about being left behind, but he wasn't going to let that keep him from making sure she stayed out of harm's way.

"Fiona, what are ye doin' here? I- "

*THWACK!*

Without a word, Fiona slapped Shrek, her broad hand leaving a red welt across his otherwise green cheek.

"OWWW! Now, what was THAT for?"

"You KNOW what that was for, Shrek! First you lie to me, then you run off in the middle of the night - in the midst of a raging thunderstorm, no less - and then you end up nearly getting yourself killed by- "

"I did not almost get myself killed, all right?," Shrek grumbled, his pride wounded if through dumb luck not his body. She was right, of course, but that didn't mean he had to admit it. "I coulda handled that thing…"

"It certainly looked like you were 'handling' it. Another five seconds of your 'handling' it and I'd be a widow right now!" Fiona shot back, her patience running out. Her long and not particularly pleasant hike through the swamp had left her in no mood to put up with Shrek's usual obstinacy. "Now, are you going to tell me what's going on or not?"

"NOT!" Shrek bellowed, slamming the helmet back into place as he turned his back on his fuming wife and stomped off down the riverbank. Fiona started to chase after him, then stopped suddenly, remembering one little detail forgotten during all the excitement.

"It's OK - you can come out now. The dragon's gone," she shouted in the direction of the trees along the bank.

"Are ya…are ya sure?" Donkey's unmistakable voice echoed back from his hiding place.

"Yes, Donkey, I'm sure."

Donkey's grey head poked out from among the branches. He looked around uncertainly before taking a few cautious steps forward into the clearing.

"Oh - cool."

A few more baby steps without encountering the dragon and Donkey's mind was finally put at ease. Finding himself alone, he galloped down the bank after Fiona, who had already started off after Shrek. The danger past, the animal quickly reverted to his usual, enthusiastic self as he fell into step alongside the ogress.

"Man, I'm glad THAT'S over with!" he gushed. "I mean, what WAS that thing, with all those teeth and the horns and the…y'know, the teeth? Brrrr - gives me the willies just thinking' 'bout it…"

"And you could see all that from where you were hiding?" Fiona asked teasingly

"Hiding? I wasn't hiding! I was just…uh…uh…settin' an ambush! Yeah, an ambush…y'know, the whole 'element of surprise' an' all that jazz…"

"Of course."

"No, really! Let me tell ya somethin,' Princess - if you hadn't gotten ridda that thing when ya did, I woulda - Hey, wait a minute! How did you get ridda of that thing, anyway?"

"I punched it in the nose."

"WHAT?!?"

"Well, what was I supposed to do? Shrek's the one with the sword, after all…"

"So ya punched it?"

"Uh huh."

"In the nose?"

"Uh huh."

"And that worked?"

"It went away, didn't it?"

Donkey froze in his tracks, pondering the concept, images of Fiona slugging the monster right on its big monster snout running through his burro brain. "A punch in the nose…you'd think Shrek woulda thought o' that …"

Fiona couldn't help but smile.

"You'd think, wouldn't you?"

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Shrek was a lot of things, but speedy wasn't one of them. So it wasn't very long at all before Fiona caught up with her stubborn spouse, Donkey faithfully plodding along behind her.

Shrek, Fiona discovered as she rounded a bend in the riverbank, had finally managed to find a bridge. At least, Fiona assumed it was a bridge. In truth, it didn't look like any bridge she had ever seen. The actual walkway over the water was blocked by a plank of wood, painted in broad black and yellow stripes, which hung across the path at roughly waist level. To the barrier's left, blocking the rest of the path, was a badly weathered wooden booth, its rotting beams and sagging roof painted in the same color scheme.

Even if Fiona hadn't been able to see her husband at that point (hard as he was to miss), she certainly couldn't have helped but hear him. Shrek was in the middle of a very loud, very heated discussion with the apparent proprietor of the premises, a short, squatty little creature with fiery orange skin and a bushy, unkempt green beard that covered him from nose to waist. As she drew nearer, she caught a few scraps of "conversation" between the two.

"But I don't HAVE any gold!"

"Then ya ain't got a bridge, pal!"

"Look - I need to get across this river. Now let me pass, or I'll- "

"You'll what?"

Shrek was just about to show the little imp what he would do, too, but Fiona stepped in between the two before the argument could come to blows.

"What's the holdup?"

"Da 'holdup' is yer fat friend here won't pay up!"

"'Fat friend!?!'" Shrek roared at the insult. "I'll show YOU 'fat friend,' ye little- "

The ogre lunged, ready to wring the creature's thick orange neck, only to find himself jerked abruptly back to his feet as Fiona grabbed hold of the leather belt wrapped around his considerable waistline. He started to protest, but the expression on the ogress' face convinced him to keep quiet, at least for the moment.

"What exactly is he not paying for?" Fiona asked Shrek's adversary in as patient a tone as she could muster.

"FOR THE BRIDGE!" he roared. "Can't youz people read da sign!?!"

He pointed angrily at a crude sign nailed above the paneless window of the booth. The words "Troll Bridge - 1 Gold Piece" were scrawled in crooked red letters across the board, faded and smeared but very much readable.

"Troll…bridge?" Fiona mouthed the words as she read the sign. "I don't get it…"

"What's t'get?" the bridge guardian grunted. "Ya wanna use da bridge, ya gotta pay da troll."

"And that would be you, I take it?"

"Bingo."

As Fiona considered the situation, Donkey began to nose around a little bit on his own. His nose quickly led him to a cauldron of bubbling hot…something, boiling atop a makeshift fireplace just inside the booth. He peeked over the lip of the pot - and immediately wished he hadn't. Inside, a few pieces of grey meat (at least he thought it was meat) floated in a sea of foul-smelling, yellowish grease.

Seeing a potential sale, the proprietor of the booth tore himself away from his negotiations with Shrek and Fiona long enough to saddle up to the animal.

"Can I interest youz in some DFB?" he asked Donkey in what was supposed to be his most charming voice, putting an arm around the startled animal. "Just a gold piece a leg…"

With that, he reached deep into the pot, apparently oblivious to the boiling sludge inside, and pulled out what was indeed a leg of some kind, a blackened hoof still clinging to one end.

"DFB?" Donkey asked, his eyes glued to the dripping leg.

"Yeah - 'Duloc Fried Billy-goat. My own secret recipe," the troll answered, the pride obvious in his voice. "Now, ya want regular, or extra-gruff?"

Donkey's eyes traveled from the troll to the pot and back to the troll again. Donkey had skipped breakfast, and he had a feeling that a lunch break was probably not on the schedule either, but even he wasn't THAT hungry!

"Uh...no thanks. I'm…uh…allergic to goat! Yeah, that's it - allergic…"

"Yer loss," the troll grunted with a shrug, nonchalantly tossing the leg back into the pot, splashing the greasy concoction all over the booth's bare wood floor. He swaggered back outside, leaving a stunned and thoroughly disgusted Donkey in his wake.

Shrek and Fiona were still arguing when he rejoined the couple at the gate. To be honest, he wasn't sure they had even noticed he had left. Just to make sure his return didn't go similarly unnoticed, the troll coughed loudly. The two ogres glared at him - but at least he had their attention.

"So - ya gonna pay?"

"No!"

"Yes!"

Fiona reached into the satchel tucked into her belt. After a little digging, she pulled out a tarnished coin and pressed it into the troll's eager hand.

"Pleasure doin' business wid ya, ma'am!" the troll responded, tipping his grimy red cap to the ogress with a grin, a single gold tooth flashing in a mouth of otherwise greenish teeth. He pulled a lever alongside the booth, and the striped arm creaked to life, lurching into an upright position to allow the princess to pass beneath it, unhindered.

Shrek started to follow, Donkey a couple steps behind, when the plank slammed back into place, missing Shrek's nose by mere inches.

Shrek turned to the troll, more furious than ever. "Hey, what gives!" he bellowed. "We paid - "

"No - she paid," the creature answered calmly. "You ain't paid nothin' yet!"

Out of gold and patience, Shrek looked across the bridge at Fiona. With a smug smile, Fiona strolled back to the gate and handed the troll another coin.

But the black and yellow barrier didn't budge.

"Two coins," the troll demanded with another gold-toothed grin.

"Two? But I only had to pay ONE last time!"

"Yeah, well, that wuz you. It's gonna cost extra for him, on account o' da oversize load."

"Hey!" Shrek began to protest.

"Let it go, Shrek," Fiona cut him off with a sigh, handing the creature yet another coin.

"And one for the mule- "

"Donkey!" Donkey barked from behind Shrek's hulking frame. "There's a difference, y'know…"

"Whatever," the troll answered as he pocketed Fiona's money and tugged on the lever again. The arm went up again, and Shrek, with Donkey in tow, finally started across the bridge, grumbling to himself as the cackling of the troll and the clinking of coins being counted echoed across the still water.

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