Part Six

Exhausted, Phoebe sank back into the cushions of the attic sofa. She leaned her head back, closed her eyes, and hoped the ache in her stomach would quickly disappear. The last thing she wanted was to have to call downstairs for either of her sisters. 'God knows I love them but they're carrying this nursemaid gig way too far!'

She grabbed a pillow and lightly pressed it to her belly. Not only did the wound still hurt but the bandage itched like crazy. She sighed with frustration at herself for having overestimated her ability to move around. The simple flight up the attic stairs really wiped her out. 'I'll rest for a minute before I set up the candles.'

"What do you think you're doing?"

"Sitting in the attic," Phoebe replied as she opened her eyes and turned her head slightly to find her rather annoyed younger sister standing in the doorway.

Paige shook an index finger at her sister, "You've only been out of the hospital for two days! And you're still supposed to be in bed!"

Phoebe glared at her, "A little louder, Paige, I don't think all the Elders heard you."

Not amused, Paige repeated her question, "What are you doing?"

Phoebe shrugged, "I wanted to perform a spell and thought that after being in bed for a week and a half in the hospital and two days at home I was ready."

"It's nothing that can't wait another few days," Paige insisted as she approached.

"You orb me from here, you can kiss that sweater I promised you good-bye," Phoebe warned.

Paige immediately froze and considered the threat, "Look, Piper and I already performed a spell, a blessing of thanks really, for your recovery. So why not be a good little witch and get back to bed like you were told?"

"You did?"

Paige nodded somberly, "We were pretty scared, Pheebs. It's not like Leo can heal you anymore and we almost lost you…"

"We'll be assigned a new Whitelighter soon enough," Phoebe assured her.

"But what makes you think the Whitelighter will be able to heal?" Paige considered. "I can't and Leo told me it's not necessarily a skill all Whitelighters have."

Phoebe rolled her eyes, "Please…with all the demons we attract on a daily basis? They'd be crazy not to send us a healer."

Paige folded her arms across her chest, "Yeah, well, they'd better speed up their decision 'cuz we can't handle another attack like this. You think they'd've sent someone to the park."

"They couldn't risk exposure of magic," Phoebe commented. "Besides, I deserved what happened."

"You can't mean that!" Paige gasped.

"Well not the way you mean," Phoebe declared. "It's just that…"

Paige darted to Phoebe's side when Phoebe suddenly stopped speaking and brought a hand to her forehead. Paige was about to call for Piper when Phoebe reached out with her free hand and tugged on Paige's sleeve.

"Just a little dizzy spell," Phoebe shakily said as she slowly took a deep breath.

"You look terrible," Paige told her in a worried tone.

"Just a little winded. I'll be fine," Phoebe assured her sister.

"Dr. Harman warned you to take it easy," Paige frowned. "Maybe you should call him."

"No," Phoebe argued. "He told me I might have these spells if I overextended myself. But I didn't think going to the attic constituted overextending myself."

"Well obviously it does," Paige remarked as she stood and held her hand out to her sister, "so, if you don't mind, back to bed now." She saw Phoebe about to protest and suggested, "You can perform your spell in your bedroom just as easily as you can from here."

Phoebe shook her head, "I need a ring of lit candles. I'll be okay, don't worry."

Paige's gaze on her sister narrowed and she frowned again, "You're going back to him, aren't you?"

"Who?" Phoebe asked, genuinely puzzled.

"Cole." Phoebe's mouth dropped and Paige quickly informed her sister, "We know, Phoebe, we know you were with him in limbo. You called out his name when you woke up from surgery, just before you went into cardiac arrest." So caught up in the memory, Paige barely noticed the look of shock on Phoebe's face. "But you made it! You're alive! So I really don't get why you'd still want to kill yourself by going back to him."

"Is that what you think I'm doing?" Phoebe whispered. She indicated for her sister to sit next to her again. "Sweetie, I don't want to die. I told you, what happened in the park was reckless and foolish on my part. I mean, come on, my father was standing right there. Pure stupidity's actually what Cole said."

"You did save the girl," Paige quietly pointed out, coming to her sister's defense.

"And if I'd been thinking clearly, I might've avoided getting shot in the process. I'm sorry I scared you," Phoebe contritely said. "And I'm sorry I'm driving you and Piper up the wall with my complaints. I'm really glad you're here and that you're taking care of me."

"I don't want to lose you."

Phoebe carefully hugged Paige, "You're not gonna lose me."

"When Piper called me at Magic School and told me you'd been shot, I thought…" Paige cleared her throat, "Let's just say I've had a bit of insight into what you and Piper went through losing Prue."

Phoebe apologized again and tightened her embrace, "Gave Dad a few more gray hairs too, huh."

Paige couldn't help but chuckle even as she insisted, "Not funny."

Phoebe kissed her sister and pulled back, "You're right though. Some good did come from what happened. That brave girl's gonna be okay, in time anyway. And I got to see Cole and it was…" She nearly choked up thinking about what it was like being with him again, not just making love but simply being in his presence and being able to talk to him, laugh with him. She felt the tears welling in her eyes and squeezed her eyes shut.

"But it wasn't enough was it," Paige sulked when she saw her sister's reaction. Phoebe was in love with him. Again. How was she ever going to move on if she couldn't get over him?

Phoebe heard the frustration in her sister's tone but couldn't apologize for the way she felt. Not anymore. She thought for a moment how to phrase her answer, "No, it wasn't enough, Paige. I'm sorry but it wasn't. Cole and I needed closure. And we got it but it was so rushed. It was like we were racing the clock and had all that pressure to say everything we needed before we'd be pulled apart again. And we did, we got to say what we wanted. But it still feels like there should've been more, more to say, more to hear, just more time. Does that make any sense to you?"

Paige considered her sister and finally nodded. "But I've gotta be honest with you, Pheebs, it bothers me that you're still not okay with it. You say you've had the closure you wanted but you kept it all to yourself. Did you fall back in love with Cole? He's gone, for good. How can you move on if you're hooked on him again?"

"Because of him," Phoebe smiled. "Talking to Cole helped me." She leaned back and hugged the pillow close again. "I didn't even know how much baggage I was still carrying around. Here I was, just about to get involved with someone new, again, but it was doomed to fail and I didn't even realize it."

"But you adored Drake…"

"Yeah, I did," Phoebe smiled again as she thought of the demon whose singing voice could make her melt. "But it never would've worked. Just like it didn't work with Jason or Leslie."

"That's different," Paige argued. "Leslie was only here temporarily and Jason couldn't get past the witch thing."

"But I was still hiding a part of myself from them," Phoebe maintained. "Hell, I was hiding it from myself so how could I ever expect to have an open, loving, lasting relationship with any of them?"

"And five minutes with Cole changed all that," Paige questioned with exasperation.

"Because I had the chance to talk to him," Phoebe patiently explained. Her time with Cole was so personal, so special, and she wasn't ready to share details. Maybe she never would. But she did want Paige to understand what she'd learned about herself. "I finally had the chance to deal with all the emotions and feelings I'd buried and denied." She didn't give Paige a chance to interrupt, "Yes, I did. It's not like it'd been deliberate but it had become easier to simply not talk about it, not think about it, not feel…And now it's like Cole said, there's a huge weight gone. And the fact that I can acknowledge my love for him and not feel ashamed or guilty for it is part of what'll let me move on, honestly be able to move on…"

"What about what he did to you, to us?" She'd tried not to make it sound like too much of a whine but Paige really wanted to know where Phoebe stood. "What about the innocents he killed?"

"It still hurts," Phoebe admitted, "but not so much as the loss I felt. And we can't change the past. You of all people know that. All we can do is accept what happened, for good or bad, and go on from there. As for Cole…Cole's accepted his role in what happened and he's doing his best to atone for it."

Paige recalled what Piper had said when Phoebe was recovering from surgery. They'd talked more about Cole in general since then but only between themselves. Neither had felt Phoebe was ready especially when Phoebe hadn't even mentioned that she'd been with Cole. And, as per Victor's suggestion, they hadn't wanted to stir things up by bringing up the subject. "Being in this limbo's atonement?"

Phoebe nodded, "Maybe if he can direct some lost souls, it'll help balance the scale a bit. And maybe, in spite of what he thinks, maybe one day he'll feel like he's earned the right to move on."

"So you were a lost soul and he was helping you?" Paige wondered. "Just like Piper?"

"Well…" Phoebe hesitated as she remembered what Cole had confessed, "it seems Cole had a bit more to do with what happened to Piper than he did me."

"What!"

"Calm down, Paige," Phoebe quickly encouraged. She wanted to avoid Paige's calling for Piper who would surely freak out on her. "It's not as bad as you think."

"And I was just beginning to forgive him," Paige muttered before demanding, "What'd he do to Piper?"

"Other than convincing her to fight for herself and Leo," Phoebe shrugged, "he didn't do anything to her."

"You're leaving something out," Paige accused. "No more secrets, Phoebe."

Phoebe considered her sister's countenance and the fact that Paige had mumbled something about forgiving Cole so she sighed and replied, "It's not so much that Piper was lost but that I was, or I was about to be. He sent Drake my way while he also managed to use Piper's situation with Leo to his advan--"

"Wait a minute, back up," Paige interrupted. "He sent Drake? How's that even possible?"

"Cole was the one who led Drake to the sorcerer," Phoebe explained, "and Drake owed him."

"But if Cole could contact Drake, he could always come ba-- and we're supposed to believe Cole's good?" Paige worried. This was worse than she thought.

Phoebe glared at her sister, "Drake was good. All he wanted was to be human and Cole pushed him in the right direction. In return, before his time ran out, Drake was supposed to convince me not to give up on love."

"Didn't do such a good job if you were ready to die," Paige criticized.

"I wasn't ready to die!" Phoebe snapped.

Paige rolled her eyes, "Whatever…"

For a few minutes, the sisters fumed, simply sitting next to each other without saying a word. Finally, Paige stood and walked to the door.

"Don't be mad," Phoebe quickly pleaded.

Paige stopped and turned around. "I'm not. I'm just worried about you. We both are."

"I'm gonna be fine," Phoebe promised. "Give me a couple of weeks to recover physically but you're gonna be seeing a brand-new Phoebe Halliwell."

"I'm here for you if you need me," Paige offered. She was about to leave again when Phoebe called her.

"What'd you mean before about forgiving Cole?"

Given that she'd just insisted Phoebe not keep any secrets, Paige sat next to Phoebe again and confessed, "You're not the only one who's had time to think. When you were in the hospital, Piper and I talked about lots of things including Cole." She saw Phoebe's interest and quickly said, "I'm not saying I forgive him completely. He did some horrible things, Pheebs. He made me doubt my sanity, tried to drive a wedge between us…and maybe he was possessed by the Source but it was Cole who targeted me, not Piper, not Leo…me."

"Are you so sure of that?"

Paige nodded, "If it'd just been the Source, Piper and I would've been dead long before you two even got married. It even could've worked in his favor by arranging it so you'd think it'd been a demonic attack and he'd've been the only one left for you to turn to."

"Quite a scenario…" But it wasn't one Phoebe hadn't already thought of herself. She'd wanted to mention it to Cole, to show him how hard it had been for her to separate what he'd done from what the Source had made him do, but the conversation hadn't really steered in that direction. Somehow, though, she felt he'd understood. She suddenly heard her name and apologized, "Mind just wandered for a minute…"

"Anyway, while I believe Cole was responsible for what happened to me, I think I can finally say that I believe Cole was also the one who kept us alive," Paige conceded. "And Piper and I were talking about that and about your relationship with him and I think maybe I understand his point of view a bit better now."

"You did in the end," Phoebe quietly acknowledged. "You saw him much more clearly than I did, than I could. I wanted it to be over and for him to move on, simple, just like that. But you still tried to help him."

"So did you."

"But not enough," Phoebe sadly admitted.

"I know he did good things too. I know he helped us save some innocents. And I know he wanted to stay good. And I'm grateful that he was in limbo so that he could help Piper." Afraid she might not be able to admit it all, Paige continued in a breathless rush, "And I'm even more grateful he let you go when he could've so easily kept you with him. It would've been exactly what he'd hoped for, 'specially if you were so willing. I also think it takes a lot of courage to take on limbo for an eternity."

Phoebe wiped away a tear from her eye, "Thank you, Paige." She cleared her throat, "I know how hard it's been for you to get to this point."

"Hard on all of us." Not wanting to push her luck by continuing the conversation, Paige paused a moment before asking, "Maybe, y'know, when you're feeling better we'll be able to talk more about it?"

Phoebe sighed with relief, "I'd like that." She still wouldn't tell her sisters everything but it would be nice to feel that she could talk freely about him without the anger or bitterness they'd all felt.

"When you see him, tell him for me, okay?" Paige squeezed her sister's hand before she stood, "Meantime, you've got twenty minutes for your spell before I return to orb you back to bed."

"Yes, ma'am," Phoebe saluted. When Paige wrinkled her nose in reply and was about to retort, Phoebe finally smiled and guaranteed, "Twenty minutes, I promise."

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