Chapter 8

"You Can't Go Home Again"

"Excuse me?," a flabbergasted Fiona sputtered, taken aback. "Wha…what do you mean, 'home'?"

"Exactly what I said — home," Shrek answered matter-of-factly as he began to trudge down the hill toward the city below.

"So what? We're…we're moving?"

Caught as off-guard by his wife's question as she had been by his announcement, Shrek came to a sudden halt, nearly losing his balance on the steep slope as he turned uphill to face Fiona.

"Huh?" the confused ogre asked. "Oh! No, no, no — ye're not listenin'. What I meant is— "

"This wouldn't be so bad, I guess," Fiona cut Shrek off, talking more to herself than to her husband as she looked over the settlement. "I mean, don't get me wrong, honey — I love the swamp and all, but…a whole city full of…of 'people' like us…wow. I mean, two nights ago I'd never even met another ogre— "

"An' ye don't want to — trust me. Besides, we're not movin'."

Apparently considering the conversation at an end, Shrek spun on his heels and resumed his trek toward town, leaving a still very much perplexed Fiona to hurry after him, Donkey in tow.

"But I thought you said this was home!"

With a sigh, Shrek stopped and turned again.

"Aye. An' it is — my home. Slobberknob. I used t'live here way back, before I moved t'Duloc an' all."

"Slobberknob?" Donkey spit out the name, twisting up his long face in a combination of skepticism and outright disgust. "What kinda name for a place is Slobberknob!?!"

"What's wrong with Slobberknob?" Shrek demanded.

"Nuthin' — 'cept it's TERRIBLE! I mean, what is it with you ogres an' names, anyhow? Everything's bodily functions an'…an' sound effects…"

"Oh, an' what would ye suggest, then?"

"I don't know. Somethin' a little less…y'know…nasty. Like…um…Ogretown! Or…or…Swampville! Yeah, Swampville! I like the sound o' that! I can see the signs now — 'Welcome to Swampville,' or how 'bout, 'Swampville — A Nice Place to Live.' See, now doesn't that sound better?"

"'Swampville,'" Shrek echoed, the sarcasm thick in his voice as he mused over Donkey's 'suggestion.' "Oh, yeah, that's a GREAT name for a town…"

"Hey, it's better than Slobberknob!"

"Says you!"

"Yeah — sez ME!"

"Oh, yeah? Well…well…AAAUUGH!" Shrek roared as he clutched his now-aching head in exasperation. "Why am I even arguin' about this with ye? It doesn't matter, anyway. With any luck, we'll be gone in a couple hours, and ye won't ever have t'hear the name again — problem solved."

"A couple hours?" Donkey asked, a little confused (as usual) by Shrek's sudden hurry. "What, don't ya wanna have a look around — y'know, visit the ol' stompin' grounds?"

"Not really, no," Shrek answered brusquely, hoping Donkey would take the hint and let the subject drop.

But catching hints, even obvious ones, wasn't exactly one of Donkey's strengths.

"Well, what about friends, then? C'mon, surely there's gotta be people ya wanna say 'hi' to. What about your folks? This IS your hometown an' all, right?"

"My parents? I don't really…have…any parents…"

"What're ya talkin' about? Everybody's got parents!"

"Well, yeah, but…well, let's just say we don't talk much. In fact, considerin' I haven't seen 'em since they booted me out o' THEIR swamp when I was a kid, we don't talk at all."

"Oh. Uh…that's too bad, man. Still, there's gotta SOMEBODY ya wanna check in on. Like, oh, I don't know…ol' college buddies? An ex-roommate? Or how 'bout…uh…uh— "

"Old girlfriends?" Fiona chimed in, mostly teasing but just as curious as Donkey to find out why Shrek was in such a rush to get moving again.

"No, no, and NOT A CHANCE!" Shrek huffed indignantly, trying his best to sound shocked and offended that Fiona would even suggest such a thing. "Look, all I want t'do is get in, get out an' go home — OUR home. End of story."

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Fiona's experience with ogres was, with the exception of her time with Shrek, admittedly limited. Of course, having spent all but the past few months of her life locked away in n isolated castle tower, her experience with most everything was limited.

Nevertheless, she couldn't help but be amazed by the sights that unfolded before her as she followed Shrek into town. From the tales she had read in the storybooks that filled the shelves of her tower, she had expected a city of ogres to be loud and smelly and dirty. That was, after all, how ogres were always portrayed in the stories, and Shrek, bless his big green heart, hadn't done much to dispel those stereotypes.

But the town, to her surprise, was none of those things. In fact, all things considered, the city was remarkably…well, normal. It was no Duloc, of course, but the comparison was not entirely without merit. The homes and storefronts the trio passed were almost without exception neat and well-kept, and the cobblestones beneath their feet were no more muddy or cracked or uneven than those of any other town would have been in their place.

There were subtle reminders of its odd inhabitants, to be sure — neatly trimmed hedges of wicked-looking, thorn-laden briars; contented, well-fed alligators curled up on front stoops like some pampered family pet; lines of dead fish or long-expired weed rats strung up alongside the morning wash. But all in all, the entire town gave off an air of calm contentment.

Just the sort of quiet, out-of-the-way place where a young couple — well, a young ogre couple, anyway — could settle down and make a life for themselves Fiona thought to herself. So why does Shrek seem so eager to leave now that we're finally here?

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Shrek, for his part, had a very different opinion of his old hometown's new look. Fiona's preconceptions of ogre life might have been ill-informed, but they weren't that far off the mark. Slobberknob had been loud and smelly and dirty — not to mention crowded, chaotic and generally unpleasant.

But obviously, something had happened to change that, and Shrek had a bad feeling that whatever or whoever was responsible for the "improvements" had also had a hand in Grunder's unexpected and unwanted visit a night earlier.

Shrek needed some answers, and he intended to get them.

Problem was, no one seemed very keen on providing them. In fact, the citizens of Slobberknob seemed intent on avoiding the ogre entirely, giving the newcomers a wide berth as the trio made their way down the city's main thoroughfare. Time and again, Shrek attempted to introduce himself to some passerby, but each time the startled citizen would back away, eyes averted, without so much as a word. He'd grown used to this kind of treatment — if not worse — from the humans he had encountered over the years, but to get the same cool reception from his own people, in his own hometown, was shocking, and more than a little painful.

"I guess ogres ain't exactly the talkative type, huh?" Donkey finally quipped as yet another ogre made a quick exit at the sight of Shrek and his friends.

"Something's wrong here," Shrek answered quietly as his eyes scanned the crowds, searching the faces for someone a little more…forthcoming.

"Yeah, I'll say something's wrong — nobody wants t'talk to ya!" Donkey agreed. "Hey, y'sure it ain't your breath? 'Cause I gotta be honest with ya — you really should look inta gettin' some mouthwash or somethin.' 'Cause that bug paste o' yours? Well, it ain't exactly gettin' the job done, if y'know what I'm sayin'."

"It's not m'breath, Donkey," Shrek muttered. " I just have to find somebody to— HEY, YOU!"

Out of the corner of his eye, Shrek spotted a shopkeeper doing his best to look inconspicuous while trying to both sweep off his front step and keep a wary watch over the ogre and his companions. At the sound of Shrek's voice, he dropped the broom and made a break for his front door. But Shrek was just a little quicker, and he managed to grab hold of the other ogre's collar just as his hand reached the doorknob.

The shopkeeper let out a startled squeak as his exit was brought to a sudden halt. Kicking and cursing, he tried in vain to escape Shrek's grasp, but the ogre held tight, patiently waiting for his shifty-looking captive to tire himself out before finally letting go.

"Hey, what's the hurry, pal?" Shrek growled, his mounting frustration obvious in his voice. "All I wanna do is talk…"

"But we…we're not supposed to talk to strangers."

"Says who?"

"The king, that's who!"

"King? We don't have a king!"

"Of course we do…King Odius."

"Odius, huh?" Shrek digested this new information for a second. "So where is King Odius?"

The terrified shopkeeper raised a hand, a single trembling finger pointing past the rooftops of Slobberknob to the hazy hills beyond. To Shrek's surprise, a cluster of jagged towers jutted skyward from a forbidding-looking stone fortress — a fortress Shrek was pretty sure hadn't been there the last time he'd visited Slobberknob.

As Shrek surveyed the horizon, lost in thought, his detainee took advantage of the lull in the ogre's attentiveness to make his escape. With a yelp, the shopkeeper broke free of Shrek's grip and disappeared into the shady interior of his store, the slam of the solid wooden door behind him waking Shrek from his meditations.

Shrek looked around, startled. Finding both his captive and his companions gone, the ogre chided himself for the uncharacteristic lapse in concentration. With a sigh of exasperation and a few choice ogre swear words, he turned and headed deeper into town in search of his wife and friend, more eager than ever to complete his increasingly unpleasant business in Slobberknob.

"Well, then, I guess it's time I paid a little visit to the king…"

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While Shrek gave his less-than-willing informant the third degree, Donkey and Fiona had taken the opportunity to do a little sight-seeing of their own. But both quickly found that, like Shrek, it was all but impossible for them to get a word out of anyone. Eventually, they found themselves alone in the middle of the now-deserted town square, sitting dejectedly along the edge of an imposing stone fountain in the shape of a huge ogre, his cheeks bulging as the water squirted out from between his puckered lips.

"This is crazy, Donkey!" Fiona vented to Donkey as the animal paced impatiently, both of them ready to reunite with Shrek and head home. "What was he thinking, dragging us all the way out here? Especially since HE doesn't even want to be here!"

Angry and frustrated, Fiona picked up a rock near her feet and chunked it with all her ogress might. Donkey watched as the stone skipped out of sight down the empty street, then looked up at the fuming Fiona.

"Well, y'know, he didn't exactly 'drag us out here'…"

"You KNOW what I mean, Donkey! And what's with this silent treatment, anyway? This is supposed to be 'home,' right? So why the cold shoulder? Can you answer me that?"

"I don't know, princess — maybe they're shy! I mean, Shrek ain't exactly the most friendly guy in the world hims— Hey! What's that?"

Without even bothering to finish his thought, Donkey jumped atop the narrow lip of the fountain and, to Fiona's surprise, dove in, splashing through the shallow water. Wading over to the base of the statue, he quickly located what had caught his attention — a tarnished brass plaque.

"Hey, princess! What's this say?" Donkey called back to Fiona, who was trying hard not to laugh at her now-waterlogged friend. With a roll of her eyes and a chuckle, she pulled off her shoes and jumped in, doing her best to keep the hem of her dress dry as she tiptoed through the ice-cold water.

"What does what say?"

"This! This little plaque thingie right here…"

Fiona bent over to get a better look at the well-worn inscription, easing Donkey out her way and, more importantly, out of the meager light beneath the immense statue.

"It says…Throwback?"

"Throwback…Hey! Shrek told me 'bout this guy!" Donkey shouted, obviously pleased with himself for finally finding SOMETHING he knew about. "He was like, a world-record spitter or somethin'…yeah, THERE's somethin' ya wanna be famous for…"

Fiona gave Donkey a patronizing pat on the head and headed back to dry land, gesturing for the animal to follow her as she looked around to make sure no one was watching their little aquatic adventure.

"Uh, huh — that's nice, Donkey. C'mon, we'd better get out of here, before we get in any more trouble."

With one last look back at his discovery, Donkey nodded and paddled back to the fountain's edge.

"Yeah, OK. Hey, what was the name o' that other guy Shrek kept talkin' about?" he chattered to himself , trying to jog his memory as he struggled to climb out of the pool. "Oh, yeah! Bloodnut the…the Flatulent! Man, I don't even wanna KNOW where the water comes outta HIS statue…"

With a shudder of disgust at the thought, Donkey jumped from the raised edge of the fountain to the cobblestones below, making sure his hooves had a solid grip on the wet rocks before shaking himself dry, drenching Fiona in the process.

"Donkey!"
"Oh...uh, sorry about that, princess," Donkey sheepishly apologized. "Didn't mean t— Hey, Shrek!"

Thankful for the chance to change the subject, Donkey galloped down the street toward his friend, who had just rounded the corner and was stomping determinedly toward the fountain. Donkey pranced around his buddy, as excited as if Shrek had been absent for weeks, and not just a few minutes.

"So, did ya find out anything? Huh, did ya? Did ya?" Donkey pestered Shrek as the ogre tried to sidestep him long enough to reach his wife.

"Yes, Donkey, OK? I found out somethin'," Shrek barked at his friend. "An' if ye'll get out o' my way for a second an' let me sit down, I'll tell y— well, looks like somebody had a little swim while I was out!"

Shrek grinned at the sight of a thoroughly soaked Fiona laboring to wring the last of the water out of her dress. She smiled weakly back at her husband, brushing a strand of wet red hair out of her eyes.

"Yeah, something like that," Fiona responded with a knowing glance at Donkey, leaving behind a trail of puddles as Shrek helped her to her feet. "So…are we ready to go?"

"Uhm…not exactly."

"'Not exactly'!?!" Fiona shouted, throwing her hands into the air and inadvertently pelting Shrek with the last stubborn drops of fountain water. "What do you mean, 'not exactly'? You said this was only going to take a couple hours!"

"I know," Shrek apologized as he wiped the water out of his eyes. "Somethin'…came up."

"So we're staying?"

"Well, no…not really."

"I'm confused…"

"Believe me, so am I! But I promise I'll take care of everything. I just need t'see somebody first…"

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