Epilogue
From: Elise Rothman
To: Phoebe Halliwell
Cc:
Subject: Re: Letter to Readers
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I'll bump Toni's piece to make room. She's been begging for an extension anyway. See me at 12:30. We'll order in and tighten it up over lunch. Nice work.
I'll call the producer to schedule the interview here to avoid travel – do it by phone if necessary. No arguments – you've got enough stress as it is!
E
Original Message----------------
From: Phoebe Halliwell
To: Elise Rothman
Cc:
Subject: Letter to Readers
Attachment: P Letter.doc
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Here's the column we discussed (as text and attachment). I know it's long and repetitive and I edit it every time I open it but I can't look at it anymore and still see straight. Do you have time this morning to discuss cuts?
Also, got the go-ahead for the interview – as long as I'm not flying, the two-hour drive there and back would be okay. Break it up overnight - mini-vacation? ; )
P
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Dear Readers,
I'd like to borrow today's column from you in order to share some of my thoughts from recent weeks.
I love my job. I love my boss and I love my colleagues. But most of all, I love those of you who write to me every day asking for advice or sharing thoughts or thanking me for some advice I provided. That you have let me into your lives in such a personal way and would then flood my inbox, hospital room, and office with cards and letters, gifts and flowers, means more to me than I can possibly express.
You deserve my undivided attention and the best possible advice as I sit and answer your letters so I must apologize for my columns in the weeks preceding the shooting. The words flowed by rote or by common sense but not from deep within me. And during the past six weeks I have had plenty of time to think and to acknowledge that, at that time, I didn't believe in my own advice, at least not wholeheartedly. Simply put, I'd lost faith.
But my Grams taught me, at a very young age, that everything happens for a reason. Good or bad, we may not know why but the why does exist. And Grams was right. Being shot wasn't one of my goals in life but it happened and I'm grateful. Being shot forced me to take a long, hard, objective look at myself and at the direction of my life. Being shot forced me to face the reasons why I had suddenly felt lost and adrift.
And it wasn't easy. It's hard to accept the fact that you've made mistakes, costly mistakes. It's hard to accept the fact that, in spite of the pain you have suffered, you have also caused others pain. It's hard to accept the fact that sometimes it's too late for anything but good-bye.
And yet, sometimes being forced to accept those facts is the very motivation you need in order to move on. Sometimes accepting what's made you weak is what makes you stronger. And sometimes saying good-bye is the only way you can say hello.
Credit for my journey of self-discovery is due to several people (who will be thanked later) but none more so than, of all people, my ex. The last time I had seen him was a time of much bitterness and anger and sadness for us. But seeing him that day, the day I was shot, brought about a confrontation I hadn't even realized I needed. What an amazing difference two years can make!
And maybe confrontation is too strong a word. It was more like a meeting of the minds where we could talk freely to each other without worrying about any of the constraints of the "real world" closing in on us. Cole reminded me that love is the most powerful force in this universe. He reminded me how important it is to believe. He reminded me that finding closure doesn't have to be a negative or sad occasion. And for the first time in a long time, I think I've found what I'd lost in my life. Because of him. Because I believe again.
Recovery from a gunshot wound isn't at all like you how you see it on TV. After all these weeks, I'm still not back to where I was physically before the shooting and it's more than a little frustrating. I'm not used to taking things slow and I've certainly driven my family up the proverbial wall while being forced to do so. Thankfully, I have the greatest, and most understanding, boss (Thank you, Elise!) who has worked with me on rearranging my schedule so that I could still do my job, a job that I love and that has seen me through more than a few rough patches in my life.
I wish I could thank each and every one of you personally and I hope you'll forgive me for acknowledging you as a group. Given the publicity my column has received, I knew I'd struck a chord with you but I never really understood what it meant. That you accepted my advice on a daily basis was encouragement enough but that so many of you went above and beyond was simply amazing. The outpouring of support and encouragement through your cards and letters, gifts and flowers, were such a tremendous source of inspiration for me in my recovery.
No one warned me about the emotional upheaval. To know I'd come close to death and watch those I love deal with it. To confront my own long-buried feelings about painful issues of my past and finally let go. To say good-bye to loved ones and welcome new ones. To look into my two-year old nephew's eyes and be unable to explain why I can't play with him. To be unable to swing my one-year old nephew up in the air when he toddles into my arms. To find so-called journalists going through my trash and be unable to chase them away. It takes its toll and I find myself standing at a new crossroads in my life.
The recent run of tabloid photos and articles about me were hurtful more because my family didn't sign on for the publicity free-for-all I inherited as my column has gained popularity. And being the latest "hero" didn't alleviate matters for them. I grudgingly accept that my life's turned into this glass fishbowl but to see my nephew's face beaming at me in the tabloids directly opposite the latest Hollywood starlet's brush with rehab absolutely sickens me. To see someone I care very much about subjected to rumors and lies merely because he's been seen in my company in recent weeks is unfair. And, for the record, he's a teacher of the arts and not a pro-baseball athlete fighting rumors ofsteroid abuse. Maybe it's a sacrifice of privacy I have to make but my family and friends don't. If you would truly like to show more support for me, please don't buy these weekly magazines and subscribe to this type of trashy publicity.
And before I get the calls claiming the legitimacy of the articles, let me say right here that there were two correct facts: I do write the 'Ask Phoebe' column and I am pregnant. To spare you from the math, yes, that means this baby was conceived the day I was shot. And getting pregnant wasn't any more planned for me that day than it was to bump into my ex or get shot. I'm still in shock. But I am thrilled. I want this baby with every fiber of my being.
I had just about given up hope of having a family. I felt alone and lost and yet an unexpected tryst with my ex produced this miracle. All babies are miracles of course. But given that I'd suffered a miscarriage once before, that my body's been under much stress due to the shooting, that my workload is heavier than usual in trying to catch up, and that the rumor mills are running at full-speed, it's even more of a miracle that everything is progressing as well as it is. When I think of all that could have gone wrong and still may…Perhaps you can understand why I've been so quiet lately about responding to the gossip and why I've been more protective of my privacy.
Despite all my fears, I still feel blessed. Blessed because I have the most amazing and supportive father and sisters. Blessed because I have a job that gives me such a sense of fulfillment. Blessed because those I try to help have been a source of encouragement for me. Blessed because I have two adorable nephews who make me smile and laugh when it's sometimes the last thing I want. Blessed because I was able to enjoy watching Cole react when I told him the news. Blessed because, even though our lives pull us in different directions and our time together can only be for brief cherished moments, I know he loves us and he knows we feel the same.
So, where do I go from here as I recover from a shooting and adjust to a pregnancy? After much contemplation, I realized the answer was in front of me all along. And I'll continue the path I believe I was destined to take. Where I was once afraid of being alone, I'm not anymore. Because I have been blessed with precious guides who constantly remind me in a thousand different ways that I am loved and have love to give.
Daddy – you were lost to me for so many years but, since I found you again, you've become not just my father but my friend. Piper and Paige – you have stood by me through some of the worst moments of our lives and have encouraged me and cheered me on through some of the best and you are my best friends. Wyatt and Chris (who can't read this now but will someday) – you will be fantastic role models and companions for your cousin-to-be and I couldn't be happier. Leo – you have an amazing breadth of knowledge and the patience of a saint and I know I can always count on you. Elise – you took a chance on a complete novice and, each day, provide me with your insight and friendship and allow me the room to improve and grow. Drake – you teach me (as well as your students) every day to find the music in life and of the importance of living in the moment while letting the future be.You continually amaze and inspire me and I treasure our time together. And, Cole – you have given me the most precious gifts of all: a part of your soul and the trust that I will protect, raise, and guide our child on the path of goodness and light and, while I miss you always, you are never missing from my heart.
Thank you for your love and support. I couldn't do any of this without you. Nor would I ever want to. You are all a part of me and I love you all.
Tomorrow the column will return to its true focus – you, the readers. Thank you for your patience and understanding.
And never forget to believe…
- Phoebe
The End