Ugly Ever After

by Lunchpail

CHAPTER 19: Lost & Found It's back to the caverns for Shrek & friends, but in the winding passageways it's all too easy to lose one's way ... and one's temper.

11.

Chapter 11

"Limited-Time Offer"

"'Whoo! Fan-cee!" Donkey whistled appreciatively as a clearly irritated Grunder showed the king's "guests" into the castle banquet hall a few hours later. The three hadn't been much keen on the idea of another wait, but at least it had given them a chance to catch their breath — to wash up, rinse a few of the more obvious stains out of their clothes and, in the case of Fiona at least, make sure their hair was halfway presentable.

"Yeah…fancy…somethin' like that…" a preoccupied Shrek mumbled in mock agreement, but he wasn't sold on Odius' new look — not just yet. It WAS fancy, all right, but something about the whole place just didn't sit right with the ogre — starting with the fact it existed at all. For one thing, he was sure the castle hadn't been here the last time he'd visited Slobberknob. For another thing, ogres weren't big on being told what to do — even when it was for their own good. So the idea of building a castle for an ogre king…well, it was ridiculous.

Especially when that king is Odius Shrek thought grimly to himself.

Shrek wasn't the only one feeling a little uneasy about his surroundings. Donkey was being his usual anxious, noisy self, which wasn't doing much to settle Shrek's jangled nerves, and Fiona — Fiona had been all but silent since their meeting with Odius, and that concerned the ogre. Fiona could be as obstinate and hot-tempered and demanding as Shrek at times (all right, most of the time), but her husband had always taken that as an encouraging sign — it meant she was firmly in control of the situation, or at the very least, knew what it would take to get there. But a quiet Fiona…that could mean trouble, and knowing that his wife was anything less that supremely confident left Shrek that much more rattled himself.

"How ye holdin' up?" he whispered as he nudged Fiona, who was eyeing the room with a strange, faraway look in her blue eyes, her hands absent-mindedly toying with her newly plaited braid.

"Huh? Oh…uh…OK, I guess," she answered distractedly, flashing a weak but (she hoped) reassuring smile at her worried husband. "This is…nice."

"Oh, yeah — very nice. Nice an' CREEPY!" he hissed back at her. "Sort o' like Dragon's place, hmm?"

Shrek was trying to be clever, but he was right, Fiona realized with a start. It was kind of like Dragon's place. In fact, it was a LOT like Dragon's decrepit keep — right down to the badly leaning columns and tattered banners covering crumbling, uneven stonework walls.

Throw in a little lava and a few ex-knights and it's 'home sweet home!' she joked to herself with a grin.

And then it hit her. As Shrek had pointed out more than once during the wait between their audience with Odius and Grunder's retrieval of them for dinner just a few minutes earlier, ogres didn't build castles like this.

But HUMANS did.

That, she realized, was why Slobberknob had seemed so non-threatening, so familiar, and why she had been fighting a unshakable sense of déjà vu since they'd left the waiting room. The town was all but identical to every other hamlet she'd ever seen (not that there were many), and she'd spent practically her entire life in a castle not much different than this one — a little more run-down, and a lot hotter, but similar in size and design.

HUMAN design she thought to herself as she tried to make sense of this epiphany. A HUMAN castle for an OGRE king. But why? And what does all of this have to do with—

"SHREK!"

The sound of Odius' booming voice roused Fiona from her contemplation. The king sat alone at the far end of a lengthy banquet table draped in a once-fancy, once-white tablecloth, now grey with age and stained here and there by evidence of meals past. Atop the cloth sat a spread of food unlike anything Fiona had ever seen before. Seemingly every dish imaginable, human AND ogre, was represented, including a few "treats" the ogress couldn't identify — for which she was thankful. Some boiled and bubbled, others oozed, and one or two, she was convinced, had moved.

"Shrek!" Odius called out again, motioning for his guests to join him at the table. "Please, sit down! Can I offer you all some wine?"

"Uh…OK…" Shrek could only stammer as he and his friends took their seats at the other end of the table — close to the door, and more importantly, far away from Odius.

"Waiter! Some wine for our guests!"

An elderly, harried-looking ogre dressed in an ill-fitting red jacket and matching cummerbund straining to contain his ample gut skittered into the room with a dusty bottle of wine. Removing the cork with a dramatic *pop*, he poured drinks for each of the three in turn.

Shrek, ever suspicious, was the first to sample the reddish liquid. He lifted his drink, swished it around a time or two, then emptied the goblet in one colossal gulp. After a few seconds' wait with no obvious ill effects, he shrugged. Apparently, poison wasn't Odius' style.

Following Shrek's lead, Fiona took a sip from her own crystal glass. It wasn't the best she'd ever had, but she figured she could keep down a few more mouthfuls of the stuff in the name of courteousness.

As for Donkey, he wasn't about to get left out — even if wine wasn't exactly his beverage of choice. But as he leaned down to take a drink, he realized he was in for more work than he'd anticipated. The wine glass was far too narrow for him to fit his broad muzzle into, and his hooves weren't particularly made for lifting. After eyeballing the glass from every angle possible from his seat, he finally had to settle for lapping it up, a tongueful at a time, like a dog at its water bowl — much to Fiona's mortification, and Shrek's amusement.

Smacking his lips, the animal looked up at the ogres. "Wow, that wasn't too bud— Hey! Mah tunk's num!"

"Yeah, that's…that's great, Donkey," Shrek muttered, shaking his head. He looked over at Fiona, who rolled her eyes in shared exasperation.

"How do you like the wine?" Odius shouted from his seat. It was obvious this long-distance conversation would get old in a hurry, but it was Odius' right as king to sit at the head of the table — and Shrek wasn't about to move for anyone.

"Oh, it's jus' peachy! Very nice!" Shrek bellowed back, mimicking Fiona's earlier appraisal with a grin, half-hoping his sarcasm was obvious from where Odius sat. "Now, not t'sound ungrateful or anythin', but how 'bout tellin' me why ye went through all this trouble t'get me here?"

"It's simple, really — and not nearly as secretive as it may at first appear. As you know, I am now king— "

"No? Really?" Shrek sneered. "I hadn't noticed…"

"— and as king," Odius continued, not even deigning to acknowledge Shrek's scorn, "I have to look out for the best interests of my people — OUR people, Shrek."

"An'…?"

"And, frankly, we ogres have outgrown our little home here. We need to EXPAND — and Duloc is just the place for us to do so."

That drew an immediate and involuntary reaction from all three guests. Shrek and Fiona both dropped with a clatter the tarnished silverware with which they'd been picking at their dinners — a subtle response next to that of Donkey, who sputtered and spit a mouthful of wine all over the tablecloth, the food, and his friends.

With the ogres shocked into silence by the combination of Odius' bombshell and Donkey's shower, the excitable animal was the first to recover — if his panicked screeching could be called a recovery.

"Shrek, what's he talkin' about, Duloc!?!" he shrieked, his eyes wide with fear and confusion. "He can't just go 'round takin' over places — can he? I mean, there's gotta be rules or…or somethin'! There's GOTTA be!"

"Shush, Donkey," Shrek grumbled, wiping his face with his hand and flicking away the offending droplets. "He's not goin' t— "

"You're not serious!?!" Fiona broke in, looking up from her wine-splattered dress to shout at Odius before turning to her husband. "He's not serious — IS he?"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa — everybody jus' settle down," Shrek hushed his friends, trying to reclaim control of the situation. "Nobody's takin' over anythin' — ARE they, Odius?"

"Of course not — at least, not as long as there are…other…alternatives," the monarch answered smoothly, doing his best to play along with Shrek while ignoring the ogre's clearly threatening tone. "And that, Shrek, my boy — my friend — is where YOU come in."

"I'm listenin'…"

"Duloc is a kingdom of followers," Odius began his spiel, happy to be getting down to business. "I know it. You all know it. You've seen them, I'm sure, still mindlessly trudging along under Farquaad's rules…"

"OK, so they're not exactly a wild an' crazy bunch. I still don't s— "

"That's the point. They're not a 'wild an' crazy bunch,' as you so…colorfully…put it," Odius continued, his voice growing louder, more urgent. "They're dependable, predictable — creatures of habit, if you will. They do as they're told. Farquaad knew that, and he used it to his advantage. And THAT, friends, is why he was a hungry dragon away from greatness, while we ogres are still…still…wallowing around in the MUD!"

"Hey! what's wrong with m— "

That was the last straw. If this debate was going to end any time soon, Fiona decided, someone would had to take the reins. And that someone might as well be her.

"That's OK, honey," she cooed, patting Shrek's hand lovingly and subtlety cutting his comment short in the process. "I'll take it from here."

She waited for an argument from her husband, but he simply crossed his arms and slouched back in his seat without a word. Happy to see he was willing to do things her way (for once), she turned her attention to Odius.

"I apologize for my husband's outburst, your majesty," she called out across the table, doing her best to maintain her long-rehearsed but of late unnecessary "princess voice" despite the volume, and trying hard to remain civil amid the rising tempers. "It was uncalled for, especially toward so esteemed a personage as yourself."

"Apology accepted, your highness," Odius answered with equal civility. "And I must say, it is…refreshing…to have so refined a guest as yourself."

"Thank you, sir, and again, I wouldst ask your forgiveness for so uncouth an interruption. I believe you were saying something about Lord Farquaad?"

"Ah, yes! Farquaad!" Odius picked up where he had left off. "As I was saying, princess, Lord Farquaad was surprisingly successful in his enviable pursuit of the perfect kingdom, and that success was thanks almost entirely to his much-maligned rules. In fact, had he not foolishly chosen to bend one of those rules to advance his own ends, he might still be ruling over a perfect Duloc!"

"And what rule, pray tell, was that?" Fiona asked, a little perplexed.

"Why, his infamous fairy-tale edict, of course!" Odius carried on enthusiastically. "He banished every fairy-tale creature he could lay his tiny hands on — every fairy-tale creature but SHREK, that is! Had he simply had Shrek arrested, or — heavens forbid — executed for interrupting his tournament instead of inexplicably crowning him champion, then one of Farquaad's knights would have been dispatched to rescue you in Shrek's stead. Perhaps that knight would have succeeded, more likely he'd have failed — but either way, it seems unlikely Farquaad would ever have crossed paths with your fire-breathing friend!"

'Uhm, OK…" Fiona stalled, still a little unsure of just where the conversation was going and struggling to maintain her composure. "So just to make sure I have this right — Farquaad was almost great because he made people follow rules?"

"Correct."

"And then he lost out on that greatness because he broke one of those rules?'

"Correct again."

"So the key to greatness would be…?"

"RULES, princess! LAW and ORDER!" Odius roared, plainly delighted to finally unveil his plan. "I intend to bring a little…decorum…to our people. After all, look what it's done for Duloc! Better yet, look what it's done for Slobberknob!"

"So Slobberknob WAS yer handiwork!" the sulking Shrek crowed as he straightened in his seat, glad to finally reenter the conversation and feeling more than a little proud of himself as well for having "uncovered" Odius' scheme. "I thought it seemed a little more neat an' tidy than I remembered…"

"Oh, indeed. And soon, so will the rest of ogredom — just as soon as we can settle into a more civilized home."

"Like Duloc…"

"Like Duloc. And THAT brings us back to you, Shrek. The people of Duloc know you, they're grateful to you for bringing Farquaad's so-called 'tyranny' to an end, and they obviously consider your wife an acceptable queen — at least in human form. It's perfect! Besides, you are one of the few ogres…worldly…enough to truly appreciate what I'm trying to give our people. I mean, let's be honest here, Shrek — most ogres would just as soon wipe themselves with a book as read it!"

This time it was Fiona's turn to smirk as Shrek cringed at Odius' "compliment," his ears turning reddish-green in embarrassment. Obviously, Odius didn't know her husband as well as he thought!

"Yeah, well, OK — so I'm smarter than th'average ogre," Shrek mumbled self-consciously. "But do ye really think I can talk everyone in Duloc inta just lettin' a bunch o' ogres move in an' take over th'place?"

"Well, I had hoped you'd try," Odius sniffed, his initial enthusiasm quickly souring to annoyance in the face of Shrek's hesitance. "It's not as if there's nothing in it for you. I'm sure we could arrive at some sort of agreement — something mutually beneficial. Think of it, Shrek. You'd be surrounded by your own kind. No more peasant mobs, no more bounties on your head, no more being a freak. You would be in charge!

"Y'mean, YOU'd be in charge!" Shrek shot back, unimpressed.

"Well, yes, I WOULD still be king, but I could offer you— "

"No sale!" Shrek roared, pushing away from the table and scrambling to his feet. "Look, Duloc might not be perfect — OK, it's not even close t'perfect — but it's MY HOME!"

"And it still would be…" Odius tried to put Shrek's mind at ease, but the ogre wasn't having it.

"Maybe — but how 'bout everybody else, then, hmm? Somehow, I don't think they'd be real happy about bein' tossed offa their own land by Grunder an' whatever bunch o' bullies ye've got lined up t'do yer dirty work for ye!"

"Shrek — you're being unreasonable…"

"Oh, yeah? If ye ask me, I'm bein' VERY reasonable. I've been through this li'l song-an'-dance with ye before, and m'answer's still th'same — No thanks. Soooo…nice seein' ye, don't forget t'write an' GOODBYE!"

With that, Shrek kicked the chair out of his way, the raucous clatter of wood on stone echoing through the hall. As he made a beeline for the door, still mumbling crossly to himself, he gestured for Fiona and Donkey to follow him

"C'mon — let's get outta here…"

Fiona, a little thrown off by Shrek's sudden temper tantrum, glanced at the toppled chair, then Odius, and finally back at her fuming husband.

"Are you sure about this, Shrek?"

"Yeah — I mean, can we stay for dessert, or at least get a…a doggie bag or somethin'?" Donkey chimed in. "'Cause I'd hate t'see all this food just go t'waste like th— "

"NOW!"

Donkey sat there, staring back at the glaring Shrek, until the ogre finally gave up and turned away with a huff. As soon as he was sure Shrek wasn't watching, Donkey gulped down one last mouthful, then leapt from his chair to join his friends.

"Sure thing," he mumbled through a mouth full of food, catching up with his two ogre friends as they reached the door. "Right behind ya…"

"'Take over Duloc,'" Shrek muttered as he reached for the door handle. "Whatta load o'— huh?"

He tugged at the handle, but the door refused to budge. A few more, harder pulls did nothing to change the situation. Huffing from exertion and growing frustration, Shrek peered through the door's barred peephole — and found Grunder's cold, jaundiced eyes glaring back at him.

"Going somewhere, Shrek?" he rumbled, smiling maliciously at Shrek's obvious discomfort.

"Yeah — OUT!" Shrek roared back. "Now open this door before I…I…uhhh…"

Shrek's angry rant turned to a groan as his knees gave way under his weight. He slumped against the door, his now-unhelmeted head scraping against the rough wooden surface.

"Hey, you OK there, Shrek?" Donkey asked worriedly, creeping closer and eyeing his friend in concern. "Ya lookin' a little…uh…green. Y'know, greener than usual…"

"Ohhh," Shrek moaned, his head spinning, his vision getting blurry. "I think maybe…I was wrong…'bout the wi— "

But the ogre's realization came too late. He fainted dead away, his eyes rolling back in his head as he pitched forward.

"SHREK!" Fiona screamed out, rushing over to break his fall, straining under her husband's considerable bulk as she did her best to lower him gently to the ground. "Shrek, what's wr— "

Fiona never got a chance to finish the question. No sooner had Shrek hit the floor than Grunder threw open the door, shoving the unconscious ogre aside and clearing the way for a horde of armored soldiers to swarm the banquet hall.

"You there, grab the donkey!" Grunder barked to his men, gesturing wildly. "You and you, get the girl! The rest of you — grab Shrek!"

A trio of guards stepped forward, ready to advance on Fiona and Donkey as the two hovered worriedly over the fallen Shrek. The three ogres managed only a few steps, though, before Fiona rose defiantly to her feet and turned to face them, her hands balled tightly into fists.

"You with me, Donkey?" she whispered to her friend as the ogres drew nearer.

"Y…yeah," Donkey answered uncertainly, poking his head out from behind Fiona long enough to catch a quick glimpse of their adversaries. "I'm…uh…right behind ya, Princess…"

"Good. Stay there. I'll try t— "

Any more advice from Fiona would have to wait, though, as the lead ogre began making his way toward the princess with a malicious grin on his gruesome face. He laughed as he reached for the sword at his side, closing in on Fiona until he was but a arm length's away—

*WHAM!*

— and crumpled to the ground as the fist at the end of that arm connected squarely with his nose, knocking him silly. Fiona winced in pain as she drew her hand back. Her earlier encounter at the river not withstanding, punching really wasn't her style, but at this point she was willing to make an exception.

The other two guards stopped dead in their tracks, temporarily shocked into inaction by Fiona's unexpected show of force. They looked hesitantly at each other, neither willing to be the next target of the ogress' wrath. Finally, just as Fiona was beginning to wonder if they would EVER make their move, the two suddenly lunged in unison, hoping to overcome the princess through sheer numbers.

Fiona shrieked in surprise and alarm, throwing herself aside at the last second as the two ogres sailed past and slammed against the hard stone floor of the banquet hall with a crash. She cursed quietly to herself as her hip struck hard against the edge of the table, a sharp sting running down her leg.

Well, THAT's going to leave a mark she thought dejectedly to herself as she rubbed the sore spot.

She glanced down to see one of the two guards scramble to his feet, kicking his companion in frustration before turning his ire on the princess. Fiona looked around frantically for both Donkey and something to defend herself with, but to no avail on either count. As the ogre closed in, her hand found the curve of one of the earthenware serving bowls from their abandoned dinner—

*CRASH!*

She brought the bowl down hard over the ogre's head, splattering them both with whatever ogre "delicacy" it had contained. The blow knocked the helmet from the soldier's knotty head, stunning him just long enough for another devastating right cross. Fiona couldn't help but smile at the memory of Shrek's similar "mishap" at dinner a few nights earlier as the guard slumped to the floor, the bowl's slimy, squirming contents oozing down his face, but her smile quickly faded as another ogre rose up behind his incapacitated comrade. He looked at Fiona, then down at his unconscious friend, then fearfully back at the ogress. He gulped, his Adam's apple bobbing in the series of chins that passed for his throat, and made an unsteady, half-hearted grab at the princess. Warming up to the fight, Fiona sidestepped his attack easily, grabbing her half-empty wine glass in the same move. The ogre whirled around to face her — and caught a faceful of wine for his trouble. He sputtered angrily as he tried desperately to wipe his eyes, clearing his vision just in time to see Fiona's fist hurtling toward his face.

The punch connected with a crack, leaving the guard out cold and Fiona gingerly holding her hand in obvious distress. This punching thing was harder than it looked! She much preferred the kung-fu moves she had shown off a time or two as a human, but her high-flying days had been grounded by her full-time transformation to ogress — although the added muscle it brought with it could come in handy.

"Ow!" she muttered to herself nonetheless, flinching as she flexed her fingers. "I think I broke a nail…"

"I think ya broke an ogre!"

"Donkey?!" she cried out in surprise and relief as the animal peeked up from his hiding place under the table. 'Where have you been?"

"Behind ya! Just like ya told me t'be!" he shouted back. "What? Did ya think I was lo— LOOK OUT!"

Fiona spun around just in time to see the largest of a growing crowd of reinforcements make a dive at her, hoping to catch her off-guard. She ducked to avoid the ogre, who went flying over her head and into the table beyond. Already in less-than-pristine condition and overburdened by a largely uneaten feast, the table collapsed under the guard's weight, leaving Donkey to scramble for a new hiding place.

Fiona, meanwhile, was left to face Grunder's men alone. As the ogres advanced, she began to back away from what was left of the table, slipping and sliding in puddles of spilled food as she looked for some avenue of escape. What she found, though, was Shrek's toppled chair, still lying where he had kicked it moments earlier. Desperate for a weapon — ANY weapon — she grabbed the chair, holding it out in front of her like a lion tamer and taking a few quick jabs at the nearest soldier.

"Back off! I'm warning you!" she barked, doing her best to sound intimidating. "Back off, or I'll — Hey! Your boot's untied!"

The lead ogre, apparently chosen for guard duty more for his brawn than his brain, glanced down in confusion at his leather-clad foot.

"No, it's n— " he started to say, but the momentary lapse in concentration was all Fiona needed to bring the chair crashing down over his armored head, showering the rest of the guards with splinters as the chair disintegrated in her hands.

While Fiona did her best to hold off Grunder's grunts, Donkey did HIS best to find a way out the banquet hall. Unfortunately, all he found was himself trapped by a huge and particularly vicious-looking soldier. He cowered in the far corner of the room, eyes squeezed shut, quaking with fear as the towering ogre closed in.

"I don't wanna die. I don't wanna die. I DON'T wanna die!" Donkey babbled to himself in terror, teeth chattering, as the ogre's footsteps drew closer. "OK, OK…can't panic…can't panic…gotta think…"

Donkey was still thinking as the guard's massive shadow fell across him, a low chuckle deep in the ogre's throat as he leaned over to grab the panicked animal.

"Ooooh, I just know I'm gonna regret this!" Donkey mumbled as the guard's hands closed in. "I can't do this! I can't DO this! I— AAH!"

Donkey screamed out in both fear and anger as he kicked blindly in the general direction of the guard — and heard the ogre let loose with a strangled scream of his own. Donkey looked up to find the soldier laying on the ground, doubled over in pain and whimpering pathetically as tears ran down his reddening face. Donkey's kick may not have had much power behind it, but coming from a very short donkey against a very tall ogre, it was right on target to catch the guard in a VERY sensitive spot — with obvious results.

"Ooooh…that's gonna sting in the mornin'!" Donkey groaned, shaking his head sympathetically at the sight of the stricken ogre. "Didn't mean t'hit ya below th'belt there, but just remember, you guys started it! That's right! If ya'll hadn't been chasin' after me an' the princess — Princess?"

Donkey suddenly remembered Fiona and her own fight against the guards. He looked around frantically for his friend — and found her already in the firm grip of a couple of Grunder's men, finally overwhelmed by the endless stream of soldiers.

"PRINCESS!" he yelled, the expression on his long face a mixture of panic and rage at the sight of the subdued Fiona. "Don't worry, Princess, I'm comin'!"

He took off at a gallop across the room, his stumpy legs pumping as he closed in on Fiona's captors.

"Drop that princess!" he bellowed as he charged forward. " Ya heard me, ya big green bullies! Drop that princess or I'll…I'll…Hey! What's goin' on?"

He looked down to find the floor several feet below him, his legs still kicking wildly in the air. He turned to look behind him — and found Grunder's ghastly face grinning back. The ogre had snatched Donkey up in mid-charge, bringing the animal's courageous if foolhardy rescue attempt to a quick end.

"Put it downstairs," Grunder growled as he tossed the stunned Donkey to one of his lieutenants. "The same for the girl. Anything else, milord?"

"No, no — that's all, Grunder. Thank you," Odius answered as he left his seat and strolled calmly toward the fray, taking care to avoid both the spilled remnants of dinner and the prone forms of his fallen followers. Fiona and Donkey had put up a valiant fight against Grunder's men, but it obvious the ogres had the situation under control.

He reached the door just as Grunder and his minions lifted the unconscious Shrek from the floor, ready to carry him off to the dungeon…or worse.

"Everyone checks the wine, but no one ever thinks to check the goblet FIRST — and it's amazing what a little alcohol will dissolve," Odius crowed to all present before singling out Fiona, her eyes brimming with tears of worry and anger. "Please, don't fret too much over your beloved husband, princess — he'll awaken with a nasty headache, I suspect, but nothing more. And in case you're wondering, I give you my word as fellow royalty, your highness, that Shrek is the ONLY one of my guests I've drugged — and I'd prefer it remain that way.

"And as for YOU, Shrek," he whispered, leaning down for a better look at the slumbering ogre's ashen face, "I know how you feel about the subject, but you really should have considered my offer just a bit longer."

He patted the bald head solemnly, then straightened, turning to Grunder with a wicked smile. "But sacrifices DO have to be made, I suppose. Take him away, Grunder."

"Yessir," Grunder grunted. "You all heard the king! Get him out of here!"

Odius watched as Grunder's men dragged Shrek away, ignoring Fiona and Donkey's continued struggles to break free until the ogre and his handlers were out of sight. Finally, he motioned to the guards for the two prisoners to join Shrek.

"And I had such high hopes for you, Shrek," Donkey heard the king sigh gloomily as the door slammed shut behind him. "Ah well…sleep well, sweet prince."