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Again thanks to melanie39 for her beta-ing

Disclaimer - The OC...blugh...sadly not mine.

Come Undone

Chapter 6

Ryan sat on the front porch chain-smoking. He checked his watch. Eight thirty. Was it really only six and a half hours since he had left the funeral? So much had happened since then. He could feel himself come down from his post-coital and coke high. He could feel the anger building in his stomach. He was pissed at Sandy and Kirsten so much; he had trusted them and they had lied to him.

Ryan had mentioned to Seth weeks ago that he was trying to track down Dawn. Seth had got that constipated look in his face that told Ryan he wasn't happy with the prospect. He must have gone straight to Sandy and Kirsten because that night they had both ambushed him in the pool house, asking him if he was happy living with them and if he needed to talk about anything they were there for him. All the time they knew where she was and could have just told him.

Ryan wasn't stupid, he knew that they probably thought they were acting in his best interests but they didn't see that he still needed Dawn. No matter what a bitch she could be, she was still his mom. They didn't see that deep down he was still a little boy who craved his mother's love and approval. Ryan cursed his fucked up psyche. The Cohens had given him a family that he used to dream about as a kid but you couldn't just wipe out sixteen years of memories in a few months. Sometimes the Cohens stifled him, he knew they thought him insular and too reserved sometimes, but he wasn't used to being around people like them. He was trying to be different but then things threw him for a loop like the whole 'Oliver' incident and he was back to square one.

Ryan lit another cigarette. He picked up the phone again and dialled and hit connect. Time to bite the bullet.

Seth answered in record time.

"Hello…Hello, Ryan is that you?"

"Hey"

"Dude, where are you? You O.K?" Seth's question hung in the air so he repeated it. Ryan took a deep breath and answered.

"Um… I'm not O.K, far from it," Ryan's voice was low and dangerous.

" Did you know that your mom and dad have been keeping in contact with Dawn since she left?"

"What? No."

"You sure about that Seth? Cause people have been lying to me too much already,"

" No Ry, I didn't know I promise. What's this about? What's going on?"

Ryan shifted on the stair and didn't answer.

" Ryan, you still there? Look, where are you? I'll come and get you."

"I'm not coming back Seth, I can't." Ryan's voice was so quiet now.

"What do you mean you're not coming back? Shit Ryan, so mom and dad lied about Dawn, they must have had their reasons. Look, just come home and talk to them," Seth pleaded, his voice rising.

"It's not just about that Seth."

Ryan heard Sandy's voice in the background and then his voice came on the line.

"Where are you Ryan? I'm coming to get you." Sandy sounded worried.

Ryan shut his eyes and gripped the phone, he had to focus, not go off the deep end.

" Ryan?... Ryan, we have to talk about this. O.K I get that you're angry with me at the moment but just let me explain."

"You fucking lied to me Sandy, you knew I needed to see Dawn and YOU said nothing!" he spat into the phone. He needed to lash out and Sandy was an easy target.

" We… we thought that…"

" I don't care what you thought Sandy. I fucking trusted you. Why do you have a file on me huh, am I just a fucking social experiment for you, do you pass it around to your friends to gain kudos, look what a fuck up that kid we brought home is… Who else has seen the file Sandy? Kirsten? Seth? "

Ryan had got up now and was pacing like a caged animal around the front garden.

"Ryan calm down, we need to talk about this face to face, not over the phone. Tell me where you are and we'll talk about this."

"No…tell me now, who else has seen that file Sandy?"

" No one, just me Ryan. They gave it to me when we applied to be your guardians, it's just a formality in cases like yours…." Sandy had lowered his voice.

Ryan didn't let him finish.

" Cases like mine? Thanks Sandy, that makes me feel so much better. So you took me out of pity, is that it? Well you know what? I don't want your pity or your fucking charity." he said bitterly.

Ryan hit the end call button and it was all he could do not to throw the phone into the road. He did the next best thing and gave a nearby tree a swift couple of kicks.

Sandy put the phone down and turned to a worried Seth and Kirsten.

"He hung up." he said simply.

" Why won't he come home dad, what's going on?" Seth was confused.

"Not now Seth." Sandy needed to sort this out.

"Kirsten we need to talk."

Sandy led her to his office and shut the door.
Kirsten stood, nervously twisting her wedding ring.

"Sandy, what's going on?"

Sandy sat down and opened a drawer and pulled out Ryan's file. He put it on the desk so Kirsten could see it.

Kirsten looked at Sandy then at the file. She saw the bold lettering down the side ATWOOD. R and looked back at Sandy.

"Sandy, I don't understand?'

Sandy sighed and pulled the file towards him.

"Kirsten, I've really screwed up. Ryan found this today. It was given to me when we brought Ryan home. It's got his general medical information and things we might need to know about Ryan."

"Why would he get upset about that Sandy?" Kirsten was trying to comprehend why that was so bad.

Sandy felt sick.

"It's got all his social service reports in, photographs, medical reports, police reports, the works. I haven't read it Kirsten. I saw enough of the photos to know that things were seriously bad for him growing up. I wanted to understand him as a person and not a file of things I had read."

"And Ryan found it, saw what's inside." Kirsten understood.

"Yeah, he trashed my office, he's angry, I think Ryan's privacy is the only thing he's got and I took that away from him."

Sandy had tears in his eyes. "I think there is something in this file that really has a hold over him but the question is do I read it to try and understand what's going on with him or do I risk losing him by doing that?"

Kirsten went over and hugged Sandy.

" I think we risk losing him every day Sandy and if by reading that file you can understand him better, I think you need to. Maybe if we can understand him more we can relate to him more. He's not like Seth and we need to know why to help him."

"I had hoped that Ryan would open up to us in time but apart from a few times when he's let things slip I don't think he's going to and now it might be too late." Sandy felt so useless.

"Ryan's angry at the moment Sandy, He's an intelligent kid. He won't stay mad forever. Ryan acts rashly at times but he'll come round."

Kirsten gave Sandy a kiss on the top of his head and squeezed his arm.

"I'll leave you to decide what you'll do Sandy, Don't be hard on yourself, this isn't your fault. We'll work it out."

Sandy sat at his desk after Kirsten left and looked at the broken picture that lay propped up on the floor. They had been so happy that day. After Ryan's initial reticence over Christmukkah, they had had a great day. Sandy had wondered at the time what caused a kid to hate Christmas. He looked at the file. For once in his life he didn't know what to do. Would reading the file be the right thing to do or would he be opening Pandora's box?

Ryan walked back to Missy's room and sat back on the mattress. Missy was curled up in a ball dozing. Ryan lifted the comforter and lay down, moulding himself around her back, pulling her into his chest.

"You're shivering," Missy mumbled, "Is it cold outside?"

"Yeah,"

"You make your call?"
"Mmm" Ryan replied.

"You don't talk much do you? That's cool. Just tell me…you planning on sticking around?"

" For a while, that O.K?" Ryan tensed.

She snuggled into him more.

"Yeah, that would be cool. I could kind of get used to having you around."

Missy turned round and looked at Ryan.

"That's if you want to?" she questioned.

Ryan relaxed; at least he had a place to stay for a while. He had burnt his bridges with Dawn, not that he could ever face living with A.J again and living with the Cohens had always been a pipe dream. Good things didn't happen to an Atwood. He'd been surprised that it had lasted as long as it did.

He lent in and kissed her, then gave her a sad smile.

"Yeah I want to."

TBC