Chapter 15

"Looking Up"

Dark.

Cold.

Cramped.

"An' CREEPY! Did I mention creepy already?"

Shrek groaned wearily. Donkey's litany of protests had begun within minutes of the foursome's foray into the depths of the castle's bowels (and considering they were sloshing their way through the fortress' sewer system, 'bowels' DID seem the appropriate word) and had yet to cease, despite warnings from Shrek too numerous to count.

"'Cause, with the dark an' all, I'd say creepy's a pretty fair…"

"ASSessment?"

No one laughed at Shrek's little play on words. To be honest, he wasn't much in the laughing mood himself. Donkey was getting on his nerves -- but worse yet was the realization that, annoying or not, he couldn't argue with the sentiment.

The sewers WERE dark, the sputtering torch Cerul had swiped from Wizards' Row the quartet's only illumination as they navigated the otherwise pitch-black tunnels; the sewers WERE cold, and VERY cramped, the rough-hewn brick ceiling hanging so low that Cerul had at last been forced to doff his beloved wizard's hat, and even the human Fiona had to duck her head, leaving Donkey for once at near-eye level with his usually towering friends. And between the fleeting, flickering shadows cast by the torch's flame, the way every word was likewise warped and distorted as it echoed through the long-unvisited and increasingly claustrophobic tunnels, and unnerving but increasingly common brushes with whatever…things…lived in the murky water lapping at the heroes' ankles, even the usually stalwart Shrek had to admit that the sewers WERE more than a little creepy.

"Oh, for…" Shrek muttered, already cursing himself for what he was about to do. "All right -- TIME OUT!"

One by one, Shrek's companions -- first Fiona, then Donkey, and finally Cerul from his post at the head of the unlikely procession -- turned to face the ogre, their expressions ranging from confusion to fear to outright anger at the outburst.

"What?" the shivering Fiona sputtered, cold and tired and quickly losing hope of ever getting home to that comfy little cottage back in Duloc.

"An' make it snappy!" an equally irritable Cerul barked. "We're sorta in a hurry here!"

Shrek glared at Cerul, taking a moment to collect his thoughts, summon his courage -- and set aside what was left of his dignity.

"All right, here goes. I…I…I can't believe I'm sayin' this…"

"Spit it out already!"

"All right! OK! I…I think Donkey's got a point."

"WHAT?!!"

All three gawked at the ogre, flabbergasted -- not least of all Donkey himself

"I do?" he asked incredulously, unaccustomed to being agreed with. "I mean…I mean, of COURSE I do! After all, I AM the brains o' this little outfit -- and might I say it's about TIME somebody recog-"

Shrek turned his glare from Cerul to Donkey, the animal withering under the ogre's menacing gaze.

"…'course, there's somethin' to be said for bein' humble…"

"Take a look around, people," Shrek continued."It IS dark, an' it IS cold, an' even ye two gotta admit," the ogre shot a knowing look at Fiona and Cerul, "it IS kinda creepy!"

Princess and wizard alike looked away, both a little embarrassed by Shrek's lecture.

"An' we're not gettin' any closer to bein' out o' here, either," the ogre sighed, anger fading to dull resignation. "I mean, do ye even know where we ARE anymore, Cerul?"

"O' COURSE I do!" the wizard huffed indignantly.

"Oh, really?"

"Yeah, really. Besides," Cerul argued, ego bruised by his brother's accusations, "even if we WERE lost down here -- not that I'm sayin' we ARE -- but even if we were…well, we're a lot better off down HERE than we were locked away up THERE."

Shrek scowled, clearly unimpressed, but didn't answer.

"In fact, way I see it," Cerul continued, stride and speech alike picking up steam as he began once again to stomp down the narrow corridor, his passage leaving a trail of miniature whitecaps in its wake, "considerin' that just a few hours ago we were all under lock an' key waitin' for Odius t'do who KNOWS what to us, I'd say things are startin' to look u-ULP!!!"

Without warning, an ear-splitting *CRACK* thundered from underfoot. As his companions looked on in horror, Cerul plunged beneath the chilly waters, putting a quick end to his comments -- and the torch, leaving a flustered Shrek, Fiona and Donkey stranded in the impenetrable darkness of the deep underground.

"CERUL!!"

"Yeah?!" the magician answered, his voice strangely distant, and muffled by the suddenly deafening sound of rushing water.

"Hey! What happened t'the light?" Shrek yelled as he sloshed forward, trying to pinpoint the direction from which his brother's voice was coming.

"I'm fine -- thanks for askin'…"

"Yeah, yeah," Shrek grumbled, slipping quickly into his familiar, grumpy tone as he tried to stay calm in the face of this latest crisis. "We can make nice later. Right now, I just wanna be able t'SEE!"

The ogre braced himself for his brother's inevitable smart response, but none came. Instead, Shrek's trumpet ears perked up as they caught, just audible above the roar of the water, mumbled words he didn't understand.

He understood all too well, though, what they meant.

Magic.

"Hey! No funny stuff!" Shrek yelled out, making sure Cerul couldn't help but hear him, even above the din.

"Shrek!" Fiona snapped. "For the last time, will you--"

"An' how else am I supposed t' light the torch?" the wizard yelled back, voice still oddly faint in the gloom.

"Strike a match, rub two sticks together -- I don't care! But no m-"

"Man, don't listen to him, Cerul!" Donkey cut in, voice cracking as panic set in. "As long as it gets that torch lit, more magic the better, I say!"

"Finally, a voice of REASON!"

"Yeah, well," Donkey stammered, eyes darting back and forth in search of the danger he just knew was lurking in the shadows, "reason IS I ain't a real big fan of the dark, if ya know what I mean, so I wish ya'd just go ahead an' make with the light!"

"It's not as easy as it looks, y'know," Cerul groused. "It's a very delicate pro-"

*WHOOOOSH!!!*

"Son of a--!!!" Shrek cursed as a brilliant beam of blue-white light burst from the water at his feet, leaving him to stumble blindly back.

"Shrek!" Fiona screamed, her anger over his earlier transgressions forgotten -- at least for the moment -- in the excitement.

"I'm OK," the ogre grunted, rubbing away the spots dancing before his already overtaxed eyes. "How 'bout you?"

"I…I'm fine. Just a little-"

"Hey! I can see! I can see! I-"

"I can SEE that, Donkey," Shrek growled at the obviously relieved beast of burden splashing around excitedly at his feet. "What I DON'T see is Cerul. Cerul!"

"Down here!" the wizard's voice called out again.

Shrek crept forward, wary of the sudden light show, until it became obvious that the beam was coming from BELOW -- specifically, from a roughly ogre-sized hole in the floor of the passage, its formation no doubt the source of the earlier noise. He leaned over the lip of the opening, eyes narrowing as he squinted into the light -- and narrowing further as they settled on the grinning face of Cerul several feet below.

"Cerul?"

"Hey, I got the light workin'!" the magician called out, waving his makeshift wand in Shrek's face. True to Cerul's word, the stick was now glowing with a brilliant blue light, far brighter as any torch.

"So I noticed."

"Then what are ye waitin' for?" Cerul sneered as he slapped his floppy blue wizard hat back atop his shaggy head. "Get yer big green butt down here!"

Shrek looked down at the tunnel below, sizing up the situation. It was obviously even from his limited vantage point and through the curtain of water pouring over the edge of the hole that this new passageway was a lot bigger than the cramped sewers in which the foursome had spent the past hours -- a welcome relief for his aching back.

Still…

"What's so important down th-

"Just get down here, would ya?" Cerul snapped. "Gotta argue 'bout every little…" he muttered to himself as he backed out of sight.

"I can hear ye, y'know," Shrek shot back as he eased his sizable bulk over the edge of the hole until he dangled by his fingertips. Taking a deep breath, he let go, almost immediately hitting the water below-

*SPLASH!!*

-and showering Cerul with a cascade of ice-cold water, further drenching the wizard but doing little to dampen the dazzling light of the wand. Ignoring a nasty look from his brother, Shrek turned to face the opening in what was now from his perspective the ceiling.

"All right, Donkey -- yer turn!"

The animal peeked apprehensively over the edge. "I don't know about this, Shrek…"

Shrek grinned up at his fearful friend. "Don't worry, Donkey," hollered reassuringly. "I got ya!"

"You sure?"

Shrek nodded. "Have I ever steered ye wrong?"

"Well, OK…"

Donkey tiptoed his way closer to the hole, step by baby step. With a mumbled prayer, he leaned out over the gap until gravity took over, beckoned by Shrek's outstretched arms-

"Whoops!"

-arms that disappeared behind the ogre's back as Donkey dropped like a furry stone into the waiting water.

*SPLASH!*

A sputtering, scowling Donkey broke the surface a second later to the sound of an ogre belly laugh. "Ha, ha -- very funny…" he huffed as he paddled past Shrek toward Cerul and the reassuring light of the wand.

Shrek, though, didn't notice Donkey's reaction. His attentions were already again overhead, where Fiona was getting ready to join her companions.

"All right, Fi," he called out to the princess. "Just give me yer hand an' I'll--"

But no sooner did he reach for her hand then she pulled it away, folding her arms in protest.

"I can manage just fine on my own, thank you!" she sniffed in her most royally dismissive tone.

Shrek groaned in irritation. "Oh, ye CAN'T still be mad at me for not tellin' ye about-"

"About what? This brother of yours? Slobberknob? Guess what, pal -- I can be and I AM," she snapped as she lowered herself over the edge. "Now get out of my way…"

"Fiona…dear…it's a little deeper than it looks," Shrek tried to dissuade his wife,"an' considerin yer present condition, y-"

"Are you going to get out of my way or not?"

Shrek looked at his fuming wife, then at the water and back to Fiona. Knowing this was fight he was destined to lose anyway, he simply smirked and took one ogre-sized step back.

"Fine -- have it YOUR way."

"THANK you!"

Like Donkey before her, she dropped from the sewers above--

*SPLASH!!!*

-and, like Donkey, surfaced to the sight of Shrek struggling, with little success, to contain his laughter.

"Hey, ye can't say I didn't warn-"

"I know, I know -- you told me so," the princess cut her husband off as she struggled to her feet, runoff dripping from her disheveled hair and now thoroughly soaked dress.

As Fiona rubbed the water from her eyes and swiped at the strands of red hair plastered to her forehead, Shrek couldn't help but be reminded of their last dinner back home in Duloc, and the ill-fated bowl of slug stew that had left him in a similar predicament. Despite the trouble he now found himself in -- trouble that, despite his best efforts, he had inadvertently dragged both Fiona and Donkey into as well -- he couldn't help but smile, a little misty-eyed, at the memory of that evening and the many like it they had enjoyed over the past year.

"What are YOU grinning at?" the waterlogged Fiona grumbled, noticing Shrek's sudden change in mood.

Shrek shrugged. "Nothin' -- just thinkin' about dinner the other night, an' the stew…"

The princess managed a tired smile. "I look THAT bad, huh?"

"Worse," Shrek chuckled as he reached up with pudgy fingers to brush away a stray hair from his wife's pale, water-streaked face. "Look, Fiona…I'm sorry. About everything."

Fiona stiffened, pulling herself up to her full human height in indignation -- but she couldn't stay mad. She sighed, shoulders slumping. "Don't worry about it."

"But I WANT t'worry about it!" Shrek protested, unwilling to be let off so lightly. "I shoulda told ye about Cerul. AND Slobberknob. AND-"

"Yes -- you should have," Fiona huffed, expression softening even as she said it. "But we'll worry about that later. Right now, though, I'd just like to worry about getting home. OK?"

Shrek nodded.

"OK."

"Great. Now let's see if this in-law of mine is half as resourceful as his brother…"

---------------

The four friends waded (or in Donkey's case, paddled) along down the meandering subterranean stream -- which proved considerably less deep as they moved away from the scene of the cave-in -- in near-silence, broken occasionally by the hushed giggle of some whispered joke between the by now thoroughly reconciled Shrek and Fiona or the mutterings of Cerul as he tried to plot a course out of the labyrinth of tunnels.

Near-silence, though, proved near impossible for Donkey. With Shrek and Fiona's attentions obviously elsewhere, the animal decided it best to buddy up with Cerul and the relative safety of the wand's light.

"So…uh…how're you doin'?" Donkey asked hesitantly, doing his best to break the ice (and the silence) with a little small talk as he splashed alongside the wizard.

Cerul glanced down at his four-legged traveling companion and shrugged. "Fine," he grunted.

"That's good," Donkey nodded. "Me, I can't complain…well, except maybe for the cold, an' the dark, an' the bein' wet, an'…"

Cerul rolled his eyes at the familiar list of complaints -- an expression of exasperation not lost on Donkey.

"Yeah…" the animal trailed off. "Soooo," he tried again, deciding to attack this latest challenge from another angle, "where ARE we?"

Cerul stroked his roughly whiskered chin with his free hand. "If I had t'guess," he offered, "I'd say the caverns under the castle."

Donkey looked up at the ogre, clearly puzzled.

"Caverns?" he asked. "Like a CAVE, caverns? But I thought we wuz in the SEWERS!"

"We WERE," Cerul answered. "But my li'l…shortcut…dropped us right in the middle o' the underground river that runs through…."

The answer only confused Donkey more.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" the animal sputtered. "So we were in the SEWER, but now we're in a RIVER, in a CAVE."

"Right."

"So we're in a river?"

"Yep."

"In a cave?"

"Uh-huh."

"And we're NOT in a sewer?"

"Nope, not anymore."

"Oh…OK, I get it now!" Donkey nodded, grinning. But the grin had no sooner crossed his long face then it faded to confusion again. "No, I don't," he sighed. "Well, maybe I…no, wait, I…I'm confused…"

Cerul groaned, head in azure hand. How could Shrek LIVE with this 24-7?

"Look, it's not THAT hard t'understand," the magician sighed. "Ye got a castle, right? And there's…y'know… stuff that eventually ye're gonna want to…flush out. Ye still followin' me?"

Donkey offered a less than convincing nod in confirmation that he did, in fact, still follow.

"Good," the ogre grunted. "Now, what d'ye need to flush it away?"

"Ummm…one o' li'l handles, right? The silver one up in the corner, next to th-"

"No! Sewers! SEWERS!" Cerul roared. "An' guess what? Ye take these caves an' all the water already runnin' through em, ye stick a couple pipes in between, slap on some bricks here an' there t'hold it all together an'…presto! Ye got sewers! Got it?"

Donkey stood a second, head cocked contemplatively to one side as the wheels turned slowly in his head. "Yeah…yeah, I guess so," he nodded at last, "but-"

"But WHAT?"

"Well, why couldn't ya just DIG a buncha tunnels? Then ya could have your castle anywhere ya wanted!"

Cerul opened his mouth, ready to scold Donkey for such a silly question…except that it wasn't so silly. In fact, the magician was forced to admit to himself, it was a pretty thoughtful question -- and deserved a suitably thoughtful answer.

"Well," Cerul explained, "runnin' water is a tricky proposition, especially if ye ain't a big fan o' water t'begin with. An' besides," he laughed, "ogres aren't exactly known for their engineerin' skills."

Now it was Donkey's turn to laugh.

"Oh, really?" he asked, a sly grin on his furry face. "Obviously, ya don't know my man Shrek as well as ya think y'do. You should see his place back in Duloc -- it's got a shower, an' a outhouse an' everything!"

"Well, ain't he just Mr. Fixit!" Cerul scoffed, trying to picture his brother laboring away at some home-improvement project. "Any more questions?"

"Actually, I've got a couple."

Cerul and Donkey turned to find that, while they were distracted with talk of sewers and caverns and other plumbing concerns, Shrek and Fiona had picked up their pace so that they were now just a few steps behind and listening intently to their friends' conversation.

"Like what?" Cerul asked, wondering just what was so important that Shrek would bother asking HIM for answers.

"Like where'd the castle come from?" Shrek answered, thumbing toward the ceiling and the fortress beyond. "M'memory might not be what it used t'be, but I like t'think I'd remember something like THAT! For that matter, since when does Slobberknob have a king -- an' ODIUS of all people?!!"

"Oh, so NOW yer interested in what happened while ye were gone, huh?" Cerul smirked. "Well, let's start from the beginnin', shall we?"

---------------

"Ye were still here when this whole big rigmarole started, back when Odius first showed up -- him an' his whole big, stupid idea about havin' a KING.

Where'd he come from? Ye got me. He just sorta wandered inta Slobberknob like a lot o' ogres do, an' already he's talkin' his crazy 'monarchy' nonsense! But he manages to get enough people riled up that they start callin' for an ELECTION. So not only are we ogres gonna have a KING, but we're gonna ELECT him! An' who's the first guy nominated by Odius? That's right -- me very own big green cueball of a brother here!

An' what'd'ye do, Shrek?

Ye run away. Slip off in the middle o' the night, an' no one -- least of all ME -- ever hears from ye again.

'Course, that wasn't about t'stop Od-

"Now hold on just a minute!" Shrek bellowed, stopping Cerul in mid-story. "I did NOT jus' 'run away' -- I had a very good reason f'r what I did!"

"An' that WAS?" Cerul asked, leaning forward in mocking anticipation of his brother's explanation.

"I…I'm not a liberty t'talk about it," Shrek sniffed, tips of his pea-green ears turning red with embarassment.

"'Course yer not," Cerul grunted. "May I continue, then?"

The sulking Shrek shrugged his indifference. Cerul smirked and took a deep breath, ready to dive back into his tale…

'Like I was sayin', Shrek's li'l disappearin' act wasn't about t'stop Odius. No, he just picks some other poor schlub to run in yer place, an' sure enough THAT guy ends up bein' king.

Now pay attention, 'cause this is where things get REALLY interestin'.

A couple months later, the king just *POOF* disappears, just like that. Nobody really cares at first -- after all, it's one thing to get ogres t'CROWN a king, an' another thing entirely to get 'em to actually OBEY him. But Odius, he's not lettin' this whole 'monarchy' thing go so easy, so he declares that as 'royal advisor' (which far as I know was just some title he made up on account o' it was his idea to have a king in the first place), HE is now king. And as king, HE's makin' some CHANGES.

First thing he does is proclaim that, to make sure nothin' happens to the NEW king (bein' HIM, o' course), there's gonna be a royal guard, an' Grunder's gonna be captain.

Now, Grunder…everyone in Slobberknob knows HIM. He an' his hordes would come trompin' down outta the mountains every once in a while an' tear the place up, grabbin' whatever they wanted -- jus' generally pushin' people around, y'know? But now, they had TITLES. Now, they had PERMISSION. An' now Odius had someone to enforce his rules.

An' let me tell YOU, does he have RULES!

Apparently, Odius had done hisself a little world travelin' before he stumbled across Slobberknob. He'd seen a lot o' different kings runnin' a lot o' different kingdoms, an' know what they all had in common?

Laws.

That's right, laws -- makin' 'em…changin' them…punishin' people what didn't follow them. So Odius, he starts makin' all these 'royal proclamations' -- basically a bunch o' laws he says are gonna make ogres 'civilized,' whatever THAT's supposed t'mean! An' with his royal guard around t'bully people into followin' them -- well, it didn't take long for Slobberknob to 'clean up their act,' as he likes t'say.

So Odius has got his crown. He's got his kingdom. Now what he needs t'be a proper king is a CASTLE. But like I said before, we ogres aren't exactly famous as architects. So he tells Grunder an' his men to go FIND him a castle.

An' they do.

But there's a couple problems. What kinda problems, ye ask? Well…it's way on the other side o' the mountains, for one thing.

AND it's a HUMAN castle.

AND it's fallin' apart.

But does Odius care? 'Course not. He just orders Grunder and Co. to lug it back t'Slobberknob, stone by stone, beam by beam. So they do -- king's orders, after all.

When all the pieces finally make it back to Slobberknob, Odius picks out what HE thinks is the perfect spot for it. Only, the spot's not so perfect -- as Grunder tries t'tell him, or so I hear. He tells Odius that the ground's full o' sinkholes and caves and old tunnels, an' that there's no way it's gonna hold up a castle. Again, does Odius care? Nope. So they put the castle back together -- beam by beam, stone by stone. An' sure enough, it starts leanin' and bucklin' an' fallin' apart again inside a week. But Odius is happy. The king's got his castle -- and under it are all sorts o' caves and caverns to be turned into cellars an' sewers.

An' dungeons.

Turns out, not everybody's quite so willin' t'do what King Odius commands, even with Grunder an' his thugs around t'bust heads.

No, ye still have yer troublemakers.

Yer rabble-rousers.

Yer MAGIC-users.

So Odius has all us "subversive" types rounded up and tossed into his spankin' new dungeon…

"…an' that's where I sat an' rotted until ye all showed up. That answer yer questions, Shrek?"

Shrek was silent for a moment, earlier contrariness forgotten as he let Cerul's story sink in. "I…uh…I guess…" he mumbled at last, still lost in thought.

"Good, 'cause now I got one!" Cerul crowed. "How's a big, stupid, ugly ogre like YOU end up hitched to a PRINCESS -- a HUMAN princess, at that?"

Putting his concerns aside for the moment, Shrek smiled, face lighting up with a warm, contented grin Cerul had never seen on his brother's face before. He turned to Fiona. "You wanna tell the story, or me?"

"You go ahead," she chuckled to her husband, wrapping an arm around his ample waist to pull him closer. "I'd love to hear it again."

"All rightee then," Shrek laughed. He coughed once, loudly, for effect. Assured that he had his traveling companions' undivided attention, he began.

"Once upon a time…"