Luka rolled onto his side and pulled the blanket closer around his body as it slid around on the leather of his couch. Sighing, he lifted his arm up and looked at the silver watch on his wrist: 8.15. No wonder he couldn't get to sleep.
Sam had been out of hospital for four days now and had still not had a conversation with him. She would answer his questions about her well-being and tell him that no, she didn't need anything. He hadn't been able to sleep well at all, knowing that she was just up the stairs in his bed. His mind wouldn't seem to calm. Her distance from him only confirmed what he had known all along - she blamed him.
Jocelyn was asleep in the spare bedroom that he had made up. She had protested at first but he had reasoned with her, telling her that Sam would need someone because she was unwilling to talk to him. He could tell that Jocelyn was trying to get the two to talk to each other and sometimes he couldn't help but laugh at her attempts to be his mother too: she would make him his dinner, lunch or breakfast when it got to the point where it seemed Luka was not going to make it for himself.
"Well, we can't have you looking after my daughter if you won't look after yourself."
He turned again and eventually settled for lying on his back, staring emptily at the ceiling. The last time he had slept on the sofa, he had been with Sam - and even then, they hadn't did much sleeping.
Groaning, he lifted his arm again and looked at his watch: 8.21. Oh great. He'd managed to pass a whole six minutes.
He sat up and flipped on the TV, after he heard the water pipes creak as Sam turned on one of the taps in the bathroom. He had heard her complaining to Jocelyn about how she hated not being able to take a shower, and had to be assisted in the bath.
Luka tried not to think of how much he wanted to assist her in the bath.
The pipes stopped creaking and he heard the dull thud of her crutch as she moved about in the room on the floor above him. He tilted his head back on the sofa and groaned.
The doorbell buzzed and he let out a sigh. Finally, a distraction.
He stood from the sofa and pulled his hands through his hair, attempting to flatten it and moved towards the door. When he opened it, what he saw there shocked him and he started.
"We're here to see Sam," Susan said as she indicated her and Abby.
"And I'm here to see you," John said as he smiled at Luka.
Luka stood for a few seconds and then shook himself as he stepped away from the door and allowed them entrance to his house. As they walked towards the lounge, he saw Abby's eyes drift to the sofa towards his make-shift bed and he looked away from her eyes when she turned questioningly to him.
Reaching his hand up to his neck he scratched it lightly and smiled slightly.
"I'll uh..." he dropped his hand and pointed in the direction of the stairs. "Go see if she's up."
He walked away from them and slowly climbed the stairs, heading towards the bedroom.
Knocking on the door gently with his knuckle, he waited until he heard her voice telling him to "Come in", before he reached down and grabbed onto the handle. He realised that his hand was shaking.
He stepped in and looked at her, lying underneath the covers on her side of the bed, one knee bent, reading a book. He just watched her for a few seconds, basking in the beauty she wore so easily before clearing his throat and dipping his eyes.
"Hey," he murmured and he saw her eyes turn to him and he smiled lightly, letting go of the door handle and crossing his arms in front of his belly. "Uh... Susan and Abby are downstairs - they want to see you."
He watched as her face paled slightly and he saw her grip on the book loosen and a few pages turned back. Her head dropped slightly as she breathed in a deep breath and then turned to him again.
He could see that she was scared.
"I..." she cleared her throat when her words caught there and he reached up and rubbed at his eyebrow. "I haven't spoken to Abby since..."
Luka nodded and moved to the edge of the bed, staring down at the fluorescent pink cast that was sticking out from underneath the covers.
"I spoke to her at the hospital," Luka told her.
This was the most they had said in a conversation for the past four days. He wasn't about to risk that by allowing his hand to reach out and touch her - every time he did, she would shy away and close off from him. It was so hard to see her in pain and not be able to let her know he was there.
Not like she wants you there, Kovac, his brain supplied and he shook his head slightly.
"Do you want me to tell them you're asleep?" He asked gently, one hand dropping down to trace a pattern on the soft white covers.
He saw her shake her head and sigh.
"No... I just... no."
Luka nodded and moved back towards the door.
"I'll be downstairs if you need anything," he said. "And Jocelyn is asleep but I can wake her up if you want?"
Sam shook her head and he nodded his.
"Thanks, Luka."
He shivered at her use of his name and left the room.
"Do you want a drink?"
John shook his head as he sat on the armchair at the side of the sofa. He took in the pillow and the blanket and looked up at Luka, who was standing at the dining table on the platform above the lounge.
"Uh... coke or something?" he said and Luka nodded.
When he came back, John took the cold can of diet coke and raised his eyebrow at it.
"Diet?"
Luka smiled slightly and lowered himself onto the sofa, stretching one leg across it.
"It's the only thing that Sam and Jocelyn drink," he shrugged and sipped at his can.
"How is she?" John asked after a lengthy silence passed between the two would-be friends.
He saw Luka drop his head and he knew that what was coming next would not be good. He sank back into the comfort of the chair and tried to make himself comfortable.
-
"I'm fine, how are you guys?" Sam asked as she was flanked by the two women, Susan on her right side, Abby on her left.
She fiddled with the edge of the comforter and looked up nervously at Abby.
"Well, I am absolutely shattered with me having to do my shifts and cover half of Kovac's," Susan complained light heartedly and Sam smiled up at her sympathetically. "Ach, who am I kidding? I'm loving the extra cash at the end of the month," she grinned and Sam and Abby laughed.
There was a silence and then Abby sat up straighter and laughed slightly.
"I'm all right," she said with a smile and Sam couldn't bring her eyes up to her face.
Sam pulled herself into a straighter position and winced at the jostling in her ribs but breathed past the pain. She saw Abby and Susan look at her in concern but she waved away their concern.
"Abby... I'm really sorry."
Abby snapped her head up and looked at Sam, her face momentarily devoid of emotion, until she smiled sadly and reached her hand out and covered Sam's knee - or where her knee would be if it wasn't covered in plaster.
"Don't be," she said and smiled at Sam. There was silence again and Abby fought for words to say. "How is Luka doing?"
"You look a lot better than the last time I saw you," John told Luka honestly.
His face had gained back a lot of its weight, his cheeks no longer as hollow as they had been. His hair, although mussed from lying on it, was short and kempt. His trousers were fitting well and he didn't look as tired.
Luka laughed but it was a hollow sound.
"Jocelyn has been feeding me up," he smiled and sipped from his drink then reached out to put it on the coffee table.
"She's been around?" John asked, surprised.
"She's actually staying here, she's in the spare bedroom," Luka informed him and John tilted his head, raised his eyebrow and looked at Luka confused. "To help Sam," Luka sighed and waved his hand in front of his face.
"So... how are you actually doing?"
Luka sighed and scrubbed his face with his hand and then looked at John tiredly.
How was he doing? Even he didn't know.
"Oh, I don't know. Sometimes I think it would be easier if she had just left and went upstate with Jocelyn. I... she won't let me touch her," he complained tiredly and John nodded.
"Well, that's understandable Luka, she's been raped."
Luka shook his head and pursed his lips.
"Not like that," he mended. "She won't let me help her sit up or... or anything. She won't let me help her and... it's so hard."
"I feel so... I don't know. Unworthy. It's like... I..." Sam looked at the two women beside her who were sitting with their legs crossed, watching her as she struggled with her words. "I made him lose another family," she said eventually.
Susan pulled back slightly and looked to Abby whose face was expressionless but her eyes were filled with such deep anguish that Susan wanted to pick her up and carry her out of the room. She was so proud of Abby for being there though, for suggesting that they come and see Sam. It was more than she would have been able to do.
"You were pregnant?" She asked, her voice squeaky.
Sam nodded and fiddled with a strand of hair that was floating around in front of her eye.
"I didn't even know..."
"So, how is this your fault?" Abby asked, bluntly but gently, her fingers reaching up to Sam's arm and rubbing it soothingly.
"I... I don't know. But I just feel as though I don't deserve him. God, how can he still want to touch me after what happened?"
"I don't blame her for not letting me touch her. It's my fault she's in this mess. If I hadn't gone to see her - hell, if I hadn't kissed her that first night - none of this would have happened. She would never have been carrying my child. She would never have been caught cheating by Steve. That bastard would never have almost killed her. I... I hate myself for this."
John sat in silence, staring at his tortured friend. Why was God punishing him in such a manner? Hadn't he suffered enough without having to struggle through this?
"Luka... this," he gestured with his hand. "Isn't your fault."
Luka shook his head.
"I can't help but feel that it is. Everything that happened, happened because we were having an affair. She would never have wanted to leave if I hadn't ended it. I would never have had to go and try and convince her to stay. Steve would never have seen me coming out of their apartment... it all stems back to me."
John leaned forward onto his knees and stared hard at Luka.
"This isn't your fault Luka. Yes you were having an affair and maybe that's why she ended up pregnant - but you didn't hit her. You didn't rape her. You didn't chase her in your car and barge her off the road," he stated firmly, daring Luka to contradict him.
He leaned back after a moment, taking his coke in his grip and sliding further into the chair.
"Has she pressed charges?"
"Yeah... the police were in practically as soon as I'd woken up asking questions. Did you know that Luka was a suspect?" She laughed ironically and shook her head when Susan and Abby nodded, their faces holding the same amusement she felt at that theory.
"Have they found him yet?" Abby asked as she lifted the edge of the comforter and covered her legs with it. "It's freezing in here," she complained and rubbed her arms.
Sam smiled tightly.
"My mom told Luka to adjust the air conditioning the other day when it was really warm - he hasn't changed it back yet," Sam told them and Abby simply shrugged while Susan copied Abby and covered herself with the large fluffy comforter. "And no, or at least they haven't told me yet if they have," she shrugged and slid further into the warmth.
They were in silence for a few minutes until Susan licked her lips and leaned forward, closer to Sam.
"You have to let him help you, Sam," she said, her voice but a mere whisper.
Sam shook her head and cleared her throat several times and swallowed past the lump there.
"I don't know if I can," she muttered.
"He needs to help you as much as you need to let him," Susan continued firmly.
Sam frowned but shook her head again.
"What do you mean?"
"He loves you Sam."
Sam looked guiltily at Abby as she uttered those words but Abby's face was gentle, truthful and Sam felt a wave of guilt course through her.
"He loves you and the only way he's going to get past this is if you let him help you. Have you actually looked at him at all? He's a mess. When I saw him last, he looked like someone had dug him out of the ground and propped him next to your bed."
Sam laughed slightly at that image but remained silent.
"I've never seen him like that with anyone, Sam. Closing off is his way of dealing with it. And if I know Luka at all, I know he'll be sitting down the stairs blaming himself for all of this happening. He'll find backtracks to him through the most complicated routes. It's ridiculous but it's Luka."
Susan nodded her agreement and Sam simply looked at the chair in the corner.
John and Luka had stopped talking for some time before they heard the bedroom door open upstairs and heard Abby and Susan say their goodbyes.
"Neela sends her regards and wants you to call her as soon as, she's been going out of her mind," Abby's voice trailed down the stairs and John smiled.
"That reminds me," he said as he sat up. "Weaver sends her usual sentiments and told me to tell you that if you don't phone her by tomorrow, you don't have a job," he laughed.
Luka laughed too and John noted that there was some genuine humour behind it this time.
"And Luka?" Luka looked at him. "I'm sorry."
Luka smiled and shook his head as he swung his leg back down onto the floor.
"You ready to go, Carter?" Susan asked as she pulled her hat over her head.
John stood up and nodded.
"How is she?" He asked as he tossed his jacket across his shoulders.
Abby looked quickly to Luka and smiled gently.
"She just needs a little bit of TLC," she said and laughed to herself.
John nodded and smiled, placed his arms around the two women and ushered them towards the door.
"I'll see you guys later," Luka said as he followed them to the door.
"Later," they chorused and he closed the door after they left, locked it and went back to his place on the couch.
10.02.
He sighed. Maybe he would get some sleep tonight and tomorrow would be a better day.
I'm going to try to get some sleep
Join the great subconscious club
Do you realise I don't know what to do?
This day will die tonight and there ain't no exception
Love me in this fable, babe, my heart is in your hand
Our time is waiting right outside your door
And maybe tomorrow is a better day
TBC