Blame: John

Rodney must hate him. He should never have let things get so badly out of hand. He was a soldier, he should have known better than to let himself become complacent where the wraith were concerned. But he had let his guard down. It was simply inconceivable to suppose that anything could survive for ten thousand years. Ten thousand years. That was just…a hell of a long time.

Yet something had survived. A wraith had survived, and because of John's inattention, it had nearly killed them all. Had" killed Gaul and Abrahams. As soon as they found that cannibalised wraith corpse, he should have had Rodney check again for life signs. He knew that a hibernating wraith wouldn't register on the scanner, so he should have ordered frequent scans. They were on a supply vessel, or god's sake. Wraith take-out heaven. Enough food to last until…until some idiot stumbled along practically begging to be lunch.

He had left two inexperienced scientists alone in a particularly vulnerable situation. God, he might as well have hung 'please suck my soul signs' around their necks. He was responsible for them, and he had let them down. Then, when everything had gone to hell, he had left Rodney to deal with his sick, no, his dying friend. Sure, he could sound off about needing to stop the wraith from contacting his people, and that truly had been a concern, but not his only reason for giving chase. No, his primary motivation had been much less noble. He was pissed. A wraith got the drop on him, and he wanted to even the score. How juvenile was that?

He had shouted Rodney down, overruled him. He had ignored Gaul's plea not to be abandoned, and done exactly what he had wanted to do. And didn't that go well. He couldn't even get into the jumper, let alone defeat the wraith. He had completely wasted one of his two wraith grenades by playing with it without having the least idea what it was. He should have asked Rodney. Rodney could always figure out stuff like that.

Still, the other grenade should have done the job. How in hell could the wraith survive a grenade blast at point blank range? Unbelievable. That had been his last hope. He went on fighting of course. At least he could give Rodney the best possible chance to survive until help arrived.

Then suddenly help did arrive. Only they were still to far away to actually help. He had almost laughed at the irony of it. He was going to die within minutes of rescue. He would have died if not for Rodney. Rodney had been amazing. Completely clueless, but so determined. He had done everything John had told him to do, and even when he was out of ammunition, he had not run. He had stood his ground, terrified, but ready to give whatever John asked of him, even his life.

That was the thing about Rodney. He was always scared but he never panicked. John had been so wrong about him. He had thought he was an arrogant, selfish, egotistical prick. He hadn't particularly wanted him on his team, but the main aim of his missions was to find a working ZPM, and Rodney was the best bet for that happening.

It hadn't taken long for him to change his opinion. He had come to realise that the overconfidence was a shield. A defence mechanism designed to protect Rodney's fragile self-image. John could understand that. He could remember how, back in school, the smart kids were always the ones victimised. Teased and tormented, all in the name of jock entertainment. John had done his fair share of geek baiting, hiding his own intelligence behind a wall of sarcastic one-liners. Hardly surprising, then, that Rodney now took the opportunity to flaunt his intellectual superiority before the very men who would once have taunted him.

And so they had become tentative friends, increasingly spending their free time together. John was surprised at his satisfaction with the new friendship, but it wasn't really so unexpected. There were so few people in Atlantis with whom John could relax. Being the ranking military officer had drawbacks he had never anticipated, the most disagreeable being the isolation. John was used to being popular; to being one of the guys, and now that was not entirely possible.

A true friendship with Ford, for instance, was impossible. He liked the kid well enough, but all that eager, puppy dog adoration could get very wearing after awhile. Then there was Teyla. She was a damned attractive woman, and at one time, he had thought that something might happen between them. He was relieved now that it hadn't. Not that she wasn't a compassionate, generous, kind-hearted and all around wonderful person, because she was all that and more. Trouble was, there was no sparkage between them. Sometimes he would do, or say something, and she would look at him and he could see her thinking that he must have been raised by wolves.

At first, he put it down to the fact that she was from a whole other galaxy, so obviously, her cultural references couldn't be the same as his, but it was more than that. Before they had come here, he had met that guy from SG-1. Teal'c. He, too, was an alien, yet he had a deliciously ironic sense of fun. He used his difference as a source or his sly humour. He could never imagine Teyla doing that. Excellent human being she might be, but funny? Not so much.

Which left him with Rodney. Rodney, to whom he never had to explain himself. Rodney who knew exactly what he was getting at the second the words left his mouth. Bitchy, cynical, patronizing Rodney. Rodney, who was always fun.

Even then, in spite of his growing affection for the man, he never really believed that Rodney would be of any use in an emergency. He expected to have to protect Rodney. He should have realised he was wrong that day in the puddle jumper, stuck in limbo with a wraith bug leeching the life out of him. Rodney had saved them then, but deep down, John had believed that he was mostly saving himself.

The dark entity, which had threatened to force them out of Atlantis, shattered his complacent attitude. When the personal shield had dropped off the instant it was suggested that Rodney, being invulnerable, would be the best person to confront the entity, he had laughed. It was what he expected, after all. Rodney was a scientist, not a soldier. He was allowed to be weak.

What he had never expected, what he would have pickled his own eyeballs in aspic before predicting, was that Rodney would choose to walk into that thing. It still filled him with awe at the thought of Rodney silently replacing his shield and slipping past them all to be engulfed by the darkness. Rodney was scared, sure, but then, so many things scared him. Yet he never gave up, never hid from the fight. He must have been insane to think Rodney was gutless. Rodney was the bravest man he knew.

He should have told him that. He should have told Rodney how proud he, John had been to see Rodney facing up to the wraith so courageously. He would have, but then Rodney had told him that Gaul was dead. He looked so upset, so unlike himself, that John had decided to give him time to grieve. They had fifteen hours in the jumper after all. Time enough to tell Rodney all the things he wanted to say.

He should have let Rodney fly them home. He had said he would, but he hadn't. Damn, that flying lesson he had given Rodney was fun. Not that Rodney was any good. Marginally better than Beckett maybe, but that wasn't saying much. It was just such a blast to see Rodney playing at being McKay - Space Pilot Extraordinaire. It was good to see Rodney stress-free and having fun. He had griped at Rodney's sucky aerial skills, but deep down, he had been having fun, too. It was so cool to share his love of flying with someone he l…someone he liked.

But that was before. Before he had found out how Gaul had died. Before he realised what Rodney had had to cope with, alone. Before everything was screwed. No wonder Rodney had been so distressed. John had felt so guilty at the consequences of his decisions that he was barely able to look Rodney in the eye.

Rodney must hate him. He wouldn't blame him if he did. All the same, he deserved to know how well he had conducted himself. John should tell him. Even if Rodney told him to go to hell, John should tell him. He should track him down and make sure he understood. He owed it to Rodney, and he would do it, now, before he lost his nerve. Because he wasn't as brave as Rodney.

Three more parts to go, dealing with the conversations between various team members.