Chapter 16

"A Little Help"

"…And we all lived happily -- if maybe ugly -- ever after. The end."

Shrek folded his arms with proud finality, his wide grin showing off yellowing, uneven teeth. "So, what d'ye think?" he asked Cerul expectantly. "Quite a story, eh?"

The wizard was silent for a moment. He stroked the coarse red whiskers that peppered his blue chin, pondering his brother's fractured fairy tale. "Hmmm…" he muttered to himself. "Nope. Not buyin' it."

Shrek's jaw dropped, one eye twitching with barely contained rage. "No…not BUYIN' it?" he croaked at last, voice little more than a whisper.

"What do you mean, not buying it?" Fiona huffed, face turning nearly as red as her hair. "That's what happened!"

"Yeah, you tell him, girlfriend!" Donkey jumped to his friends' defense. "Listen, man, I was THERE! I saw the whole thing! Well, OK…maybe not the WHOLE thing. I gotta admit, I slept through a couple parts. An' maybe -- just MAYBE -- I closed my eyes a time or two or three when things got REALLY hairy. But I DEFINITELY saw all the important stuff!"

Cerul threw up his hands in surrender, backing away from the angry trio. "All right, all right -- I'm sorry!" he groused. "I didn't know it was such a sore spot with you people. But ye have t'admit -- it IS a little…implausible. I mean, battlin' a huge, fire-breathin' dragon? Rescuin' a damsel in distress -- and a PRINCESS at that? An' then MARRYIN' her?" He snorted. "Sure doesn't sound like the Shrek I know!"

Fiona frowned and wrapped a possessive arm around Shrek's waist "Well, then maybe Donkey was right earlier. You DON'T know my knight in shining armor here as well as you like to THINK you do…"

"Yeah, maybe," Cerul conceded with a shrug as he started to head once again upstream. "After all," he grumbled loudly to himself, making sure his brother couldn't help but overhear every word, "a lot can change while an ogre's … oh, I don't know … locked away in some crazy king's dungeon for a coupla years…"

Shrek winced at the oft-repeated accusation. "Look," he sighed, "I SAID I was sorry, OK? How many times do I hafta apologize?"

Cerul stopped and turned to face Shrek. "Ye call that an APOLOGY?"

Donkey rolled his eyes. "Tell me about it!" he grumbled with a sympathetic nod to Cerul. "Listen to somebody that's been there, man -- ya might as well take what you can get. Apologies ain't exactly one of Shrek's strong points…"

Cerul snickered, but Shrek wasn't amused. "Stay out o' this, Donkey!" he snarled at the chuckling animal.

Now it was Cerul's turn to jump to Donkey's defense. "An' why SHOULD he?" he asked Shrek pointedly. "A guy's got a right t'speak his mind!"

"Such as it is…" Shrek guffawed.

"'Such as it is'?" the animal fumed. "I am insulted!"

"Ye should be!" Cerul urged his newfound ally on.

"Don't YOU go puttin' ideas in HIS head!" Shrek countered, voice rising.

"See? He's callin' ye stupid again!"
"I was NOT! I was just--"

"Yeah, ye're always 'just'--"

"That's IT!" Shrek roared, face purple with rage, the last of his tolerance with Cerul and his incessant needling exhausted. "I told Donkey," he growled, "an' now I'm tellin' you -- SHUT IT!"

Cerul was unfazed by the threat. "Or what?" he sneered. "Ye'll MAKE me?"

"As a matter o' fact," Shrek rumbled, rolling up his sleeves to reveal thick green arms, "yeah. I WILL."

Cerul's blue eyes narrowed, jaw clenched in defiance. "I'd like to see ye try it, Baldy," he scoffed as he reached up to pull his hat tight around his ears.

"Baldy?" Shrek echoed mockingly. "Is that the best ye've got?"

"What, don't like 'Baldy'?" Cerul retorted. "Well, then, how 'bout 'Cueball?' No? 'Chromedome,' maybe? Oh, I got it! Try THIS one: Big, stupid, ugly back-stabbing pain in the--"

"All right -- that's IT!" Shrek bellowed. "Let's go!"

Cerul sneered. "Bring it on, ye big oOOF!!!"

The wizard's final taunt was cut to a surprised grunt as the wind was knocked out of him by the considerable force of a very angry Shrek crashing into him at full charge. The brothers hit with a colossal splash, sending Donkey ducking for cover behind Fiona as a miniature deluge of river water fell around them.

"Hey!" she shrieked, trying in vain to shield herself from the downpour. "Oh, for…do we have to do this RIGHT NOW?"

The answer, apparently, was YES. Neither ogre acknowledged her protests, their attentions focused squarely on winning the sibling-versus-sibling scrap. The element of surprise had given Shrek the early edge -- an advantage that grew when he managed to yank Cerul's beloved hat over his eyes. The wizard was left to flail blindly with fists and torch alike, the swirling blue light giving the already absurd scene an almost surreal quality as Shrek danced just outside his brother's reach.

At last, the sorcerer managed to pull the hat free. He paused a moment, got his bearings, grinned -- and clamped one meaty blue hand over the torch.

"Hey!" Shrek yelped with surprise as the tunnel was plunged into darkness yet again. "That's not fai -- oh, fudge …"

The torch reignited with a burst of light and color -- just in time for Shrek to see Cerul no more than a couple feet away, and closing fast. Again, the ogres collided…

"Livestock overboard!" yelped Donkey as he bobbed and sputtered in the wake of the scuffle. "Sorta makes ya appreciate bein' an only child, huh, Princess?"

Fiona didn't answer as she watched the brawl with disdain but little real concern. She had seen Shrek in all his ogreish rage -- had watched in awe and horror during her rescue from Duloc as her husband-to-be dispatched at least a dozen of Farquaad's armored lackeys before their superior numbers at last overwhelmed him -- and this wasn't it. This…THIS was just sibling rivalry taken entirely too far, and as such, would no doubt be over in seconds.

But as the ogres scuffled, showing no sign of slowing as they exchanged enthusiastic if ineffective blows, the seconds turned to minutes. As they did, Fiona's patient waiting turned to eye-rolling, foot-tapping, decidedly IMPATIENT waiting.

Finally, she'd had enough.

"Oh, for the love of Pete…" she sighed, borrowing a favorite line from her husband's frequent grumblings. "Would you two PLEASE stop it? You're acting like a couple of…of CHILDREN!"

Her scoldings fell on deaf ears as the ogres continued to wrestle.

"Did you hear me, Shrek?"

If he did, he didn't answer. Instead, he wrapped his arms around Cerul's shaggy-haired head in an ogre-sized sleeper hold…

"Shrek!"

…so Cerul responded by stomping on Shrek's foot, then cutting his yelp of pain short with a elbow to the gut…

"SHREK!"

…and Shrek retaliated with some decidedly unsportsmanlike hair-pulling…

"All right -- I have had ENOUGH!" Fiona roared, her patience, like the rest of her, exhausted. "Both of you stop this NOW!!!"

The fight was over before the echo of Fiona's command had even faded away, ogres frozen in mid-bout -- Shrek still with a handful of Cerul's red hair between his thick fingers, the wizard's hands wrapped around his brother's ears. Both were doing their best to escape the other's grasp while still maintaining their own grip, kept upright by spite and sheer willpower alone.

That didn't last.

Maybe (as Shrek would later claim) it was Cerul's unsteady feet that did it. And maybe (as Cerul would argue) it was Shrek's cumbersome bulk that kept the wizard from steadying himself. Either way, the ogres' impromptu balancing act soon collapsed in a shower of river water and curses.

Sputtering, the now thoroughly soaked siblings sat up -- and found themselves pinned under the withering glare of the royally peeved princess.

"Are you FINISHED?" Fiona asked, the tone of her voice making it clear what their answer should be. The two ogres looked at one another uncertainly…and nodded. The fight, merely the latest in a lengthy history of sibling skirmishes, was over -- for now.

It was a fragile peace, to be sure. But Fiona would take it.

"Now," she continued as Shrek and Cerul climbed to their feet and set about the task of wringing out their waterlogged clothes as best they could, "assuming you two can act like ADULTS for a change, may we continue on our way?"

"Best idea I heard in hours…" Cerul huffed as he plopped his soggy and now all but shapeless cap back on his head and sloshed back to the front of the procession. "C'mon, everybody," he grunted, waving his makeshift magic torch in the direction of the darkness ahead, "this way!"

"Since you're so intent on playing tour guide, Cerul," the former ogress cooed as she and the others fell into step behind the wizard, "maybe you wouldn't mind answering a question or two while we walk?"

Cerul glanced over his shoulder at the princess, bushy red eyebrows arched in suspicion. "What KIND o' questions?" he asked warily.

"Well…" Fiona proceeded cautiously, having learned several times over during this latest adventure just how touchy a subject the past could be, "questions about your…story…before."

Behind her, Shrek groaned. "Oh, f'r…let it go, Fi…" he muttered under his breath, clearly less than overjoyed to hear the topic again revisited.

Fiona chose to ignore her husband's discomfort for the moment. "Don't get me wrong," she continued as Shrek fumed, "the story was very…INFORMATIVE. But you left out a few things here and there, a few gaps in--"

"GAPS?" Donkey snorted. "Man, there was holes big enough to drive a onion carriage an' a coupla blind horses through! An' let me tell you, I got a little experience in the horse an' carriage business. There we were--"

Fiona pressed a finger to Donkey's flapping lips, bringing his little anecdote to a quick conclusion. "We were HOPING you might be able to fill in some of those gaps," she finished the sentence for her excitable friend.

Cerul studied the princess (and she WAS a princess, despite her bedraggled appearance and gloomy surroundings, he reminded himself) with suspicion. He had dealt before with royalty and humanity alike -- and neither, in the wizard's experience, was particularly trustworthy.

"All right," he grunted finally., "what 'gap' in particular's givin' ye trouble?"

"All of them, really," Fiona confessed. "But I guess the big one is -- why Shrek?"

"Why Shrek WHAT?"

"Why would Odius pick Shrek of all people for king?"

"Well…" the magician began hesitantly, torn between spiteful glee in airing his brother's dirty laundry and reflexive caution at being grilled by this…this HUMAN, "like I said before, Odius wasn't exactly the most popular guy in Slobberknob t'begin with. Sellin' everybody on the idea of a monarch was a minor miracle in itself -- if he'd thrown his OWN name out there f'r king, he'd have seen his big ideas disappear quicker than ye can say 'Rumplestiltskin.' What he needed, y'see, was a genuine, authentic ogre's ogre, somebody big an' strong an' scary -- somebody the mob'd be PROUD to have callin' the shots--"

Fiona smirked. "Sounds like Shrek to me…" she purred. Shrek's ears blushed red.

"--but who'd ALSO be willin' to go along with his plans for a kinder, gentler Slobberknob. A real law an' order type, if ye will. And Shrek here -- well, Odius figured he fit both bills to a big, green 'T'!"

Donkey sputtered and shook his head incredulously. "Shrek? Law an' order?" he chuckled. "I think ya got the wrong ogre, man. Weren't you listening to the story? This guy LAUGHS at law an' order! He's a rebel -- a wild man!"

"Oh, I'm sure he is -- when he's gettin' bossed around by HUMANS," Cerul sneered. "I'm sure with a bunch of torch-totin', pitchfork-happy HUMANS -- no offense, princess -- callin' the shots, he's turned into a regular outlaw. But back in his Slobberknob days … well, that's a whole 'nother story."

Donkey looked at Shrek, who was doing an earnest but ultimately unconvincing impression of an ogre who couldn't care less about the topic at hand, then back at Cerul -- and guffawed. "Sorry, man," he snickered, "but now I ain't buyin' it! Shrek, law an' order? That's a good one…"

Fiona, though, wasn't quite so willing to dismiss the idea -- however unlikely it might be -- out of hand. "Is all of this true, Shrek?" she asked quietly.

Shrek looked down at her, his big brown eyes dark. "Well…yeah," he conceded, broad shoulders slumping in surrender. "Don't get me wrong -- I think Odius went WAAAAAAAY too far," he added quickly, swinging his arms wide to show just HOW too far Odius had gone. "But a couple o' rules here an' there wouldn't o' hurt the place. I mean, who doesn't want a little peace, a little quiet, a little PRIVACY now an' then?"

"Oh, here he goes with PRIVACY again…" Cerul groaned.

Fiona ignored the wizard. "But if you really wanted to make some changes," she asked Shrek, "why run away?"

"Yeah -- how 'bout that?" Cerul piped up with a wicked grin.

"You! Shut it!" Shrek bellowed with enough force to ripple the river's surface. "Look, Fiona," he turned from Cerul to look his wife in the eye, "I'd REALLY rather not talk about it -- at least not right this second. Can we PLEASE change the subject?"

"Hey, I got a subject!" Donkey chimed in, shoving his way between ogre and wife as Cerul continued to walk along the river bed. "How 'bout, 'When the HECK are we gettin' outta these tunnels?' I'm goin' stir-crazy down here, man! I'm gonna crack up like Humpty Dumpty on the business end of a tall wall if I don't see the…the…what d'ya call that thing?"

Shrek and Fiona just stared at him in confusion.

"Oh, you know," he urged them on. "Big shiny thing, up in the sky? Comes up in the mornin'?"

"The SUN?" Fiona ventured a guess.

"Yeah, that's it! The sun! When's the next we're gonna see THAT bad boy, huh?"

Shrek stared down at Donkey, a pang of guilt growing in his gut. He hadn't meant to drag Donkey into all of this -- Fiona either, for that matter. He started to open his mouth to stammer an apology -- a REAL apology this time…

"Maybe sooner that ye think!"

Shrek's head swung around, his mouth still hanging open. Up ahead, Cerul grinned back at his comrades, torch casting eerie indigo shadows across his blue face.

"In fact, if that's what I THINK it is" -- the magician gestured further upstream, where something glinted in the torchlight -- "we could all be soakin' up rays before ye know it…"

---------------

"'CAUTION: HOB AT WORK'…"

Shrek squinted at the battered, hand-lettered sign stuck in the mud that had thankfully at last replaced the water beneath the foursome's feet (and hooves), as if staring at it hard enough would make the words magically make sense.

So far, it wasn't working.

"'Hob'?" the ogre asked out loud, stumped. "Ye any idea what a…a 'hob' is, Fi?"

Fiona shrugged her shoulders sheepishly. "Sorry, honey -- I'm as stumped as you are on this o-Oh!"

Fiona yelped as Donkey bulled his way past her for a closer inspection. "'Hob'?" he asked impatiently, looking from Fiona to Shrek and back. 'What's a 'hob'?"

Fiona sighed. "That's what we're TRYING to figure out, Donkey," she explained patiently, then added, "Maybe it's short for something, or misspelled…"

Donkey shook his head. "Well, ya got me," he confessed. "But hey! If it's 'spellin'' you're worried about," he tossed his head in the direction of Cerul, who was giving…something…a thorough once-over a couple dozen yards upstream, "why don't ya just ask Mr. Wizard over there? Get it? Wizard? Spellin'?"

He stared up expectantly at Shrek and Fiona, waiting for a laugh. Somewhere, a cave cricket chirped, its shrill call all too clear in the silence.

"Man -- tough crowd…"

"Not a bad idea, though," Fiona reassured him. "Shrek?"

Shrek groaned and rolled his eyes. "But, Fi…" he started to argue, but it was clear the battle was already lost. "Yeah, like HE's gonna be any help," the ogre grumbled to himself as he stomped off toward his brother, the sound of Fiona's chuckling fading away behind him.

"Hey, Cer!" he called out as he drew closer. "Any idea what…wha…"

Shrek's jaw dropped as he stared up at the contraption that had captured Cerul's attentions. It was a PIPE -- or to be more precise, hundreds of pipes of every size, shape and material imaginable, pounded together into a single, massive column that stretched from stony ceiling to muddy river bed. It LOOKED solid enough, but the whistle of steam escaping from between ill-fitting joints, the cacophony of plops and pings from countless tiny and not-so-tiny leaks escaping their cracked and rusting channels were enough to give the ogre pause -- as was the spectacle of his brother, shaggy brows knitted and tongue hanging out in concentration, with his arm buried up to the shoulder in the labyrinth of pipes as he searched blindly for something within.

"What the heck is THAT?!!"

"This?" Cerul grunted as he continued to feel around within the metal maze. "THIS is plumbing. What, don't ye have plumbin' in Duloc?"

"Yeah," Shrek huffed, "Um…well, I do anyway. Outhouse, hot an' cold runnin' mud for the shower -- ye name it, I got it."

"So I've heard…"

Shrek just scowled. "But isn't that an awful lot o' pipes?"

"Hey," Cerul snorted, "ye can't water a whole city with just one pipe, now can ye?"

"The whole city?" Shrek gasped. "Ye mean EVERYBODY in Slobberknob's got runnin' water?"

Cerul nodded. "Yep, an' most of the outlyin' area, too, by decree o' King Odius hisself. Now," the magician grunted as he forced his arm deeper, "ye were…oof!…gonna ask me somethin'?"

"Oh…uh…yeah," Shrek sputtered as he took another nervous look around the tunnel. "Ye got any idea what a 'hob' is? Sign back there" -- he thumbed back over his shoulder to where Fiona and Donkey waited -- "said there's supposed t'be one workin' around here somewhere…"

"Hob?" Cerul snorted. "Sure, I know Hob. Who d'ye think I'm standin' here tryin' to get o-OOOOOOOW!!"

Shrek stared in shocked silence as Cerul howled with pain and surprise, trying desperately to free his arm. The magician began to panic, his attempts to extricate himself growing more frantic until, at last, the limb slipped free with an audible *POP*.

Cerul's troubles, though, were far from over.

Now that the ogre's arm was out of the pipes, everyone could see the source of his obvious discomfort. Hanging from his arm by its teeth was some sort of growling, gnawing…THING. Just what sort of "thing" was impossible to say -- especially once Cerul began to dash around the tunnel in panicked circles as he shook the besieged arm furiously, reducing his assailant to a wildly flailing blur.

"Get it off!" Cerul shrieked as he fought to dislodge the beast, with no success. "Get if off! Get it OFF!!!"

"I'm TRYING!" Shrek snapped back as he struggled to keep up with his spinning, sprinting brother. "But ye…would ye please…yer gonna have to…look, I can't help ye if ye don't -- STOP!"

Shrek lunged, and by sheer luck alone his fingers closed around the legs of Cerul's attacker. Whether it was the combined force of his grip and Cerul's speed, or whether the creature had just gotten bored with worrying the wizard, Shrek couldn't say -- but either way, the result was the same. Cerul's assailant -- and most of his sleeve -- were torn free, momentum sending both ogres sprawling and the pipe-beast sailing across the passageway until the far wall brought its flight to a halt with the sickening *SMACK* of flesh and blood against unforgiving stone.

The four escapees winced at the impact, but the creature seemed unfazed. It landed on its feet and in the blink of an eye was sprinting back toward the safety of the pipes. It was FAST -- far faster than seemed possible on its stumpy legs.

But Fiona was faster.

The princess darted forward to catch the thing in mid-sprint, holding the creature safely at arm's length as it kicked and cursed and struggled in vain to free itself.

"THIS," Fiona asked, nose crinkling in disgust, "is what all the fuss was about?"

The thing that hung at the end of Fiona's arm was tiny -- barely a foot tall and light enough that the ex-ogress had no trouble holding it up with one hand. Judging by its pale, mottled skin, she doubted the creature very often saw the light of day; taking into account the huge, pinkish eyes that glared back at her, it seemed entirely possible it had never seen daylight at all. With its huge, dish-like ears and upturned nose, the creature resembled nothing so much as a huge, overalls-clad BAT, and a TALKING one at that -- though, for now at least, its vocabulary appeared limited to words of the four-letter variety.

"Huh," Donkey sighed, leaning in to better size up Fiona's diminutive captive. "Ya know," he offered, glancing over his shoulder at Cerul, "it looked a lot bigger an' scarier when it was hanging on your arm an' you was all screaming and running around an' everything." Donkey gave the thing another look, squinting at their undersized foe. "Blurrier, too," he added. "So what is it?"

"THAT," Cerul groaned as he rubbed his still-stinging arm, "would be Hob."

At the sound of Cerul's voice, Fiona's prisoner stopped its struggles, craning its neck for a better look at the wizard. "Oh! Hey, Blue!" the creature croaked in a surprisingly deep, gravelly voice. It looked back at Fiona. "Ya mind, toots?"

The princess let go with a shriek of surprise, wiping her hand on the tattered fabric of her dress as Hob dropped to the ground, mud squishing beneath his heavy leather workboots.

"Thanks," he grunted, tipping his faded denim cap to Fiona. "I ain't much for heights."

Shrek stomped forward. "An' just WHO are you, now?" the ogre demanded, glaring down at the tiny creature.

"Name's Hobnail T. Lugnut -- but you can call me Hob. In fact," he leered up at Fiona, giving the flabbergasted princess a conspiratorial wink, "YOU can call me anytime you want!"

Before Fiona could respond to Hob's advances, Donkey broke in, chuckling to himself. "I get it!" he laughed, grinning down at the creature. "You're a GOBLIN, an' your name's HOB! Hob Goblin! That's pretty fuUMPH!!"

A stubby finger in the snout shocked Donkey into silence. "Hey, watch your mouth, fourlegs!" Hob growled. "Call me 'goblin' one more time, an' I swear I'm gonna--"

Fiona shook her head in confusion. "Wait a second -- I'm lost," she sighed, raising a hand to halt Hob's threats. "So you're NOT a goblin?"

Hob snorted. "Not a chance, babe." He drew himself up to his full height (such as it was), stubble-rough chin out, chest swelling with pride. "I'm Grade A, 100 percent GREMLIN!" he boasted. "I wouldn't touch a goblin with a ten-foot plumber's snake -- buncha lazy, primitive good-for-nuthins, hardly bother to poke their heads outta their little caves and hidey-holes. I ask you -- ya ever hear of a goblin putting in a decent day's work in your life?"

Fiona looked pleadingly over Hob's head to Shrek, but the ogre just shrugged helplessly. "Well, no," she stammered. "I-I guess not…"

"Well, there ya go!" Hob crowed triumphantly. "Goblins! Ptooie!"

Fiona jumped back just in time to avoid the slimy wad of gremlin spit, which hit just inches from the princess' still ogre-sized shoes, now several sizes too large.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, we get it -- gremlins good, goblins bad," Shrek groused. He'd endured the gremlin's little speech with quiet impatience, but now he was ready to get back on the road to Duloc. "Now, can ye give us a hand gettin' OUT o' here?"

"Y'know, a hand?" Cerul sneered. "Like that thing ye were tryin' to gnaw off a minute ago?"

Hob crossed his arms, scowling. "And how's a goblin supposed to know that was YOUR hand poking around in there -- huh, Blue?"

"Enough with the 'Blue' already!" Cerul huffed. "I've got a name, too, ye know."

Hob snorted. "I got a name for ye, all right. It's--"

"Soooo…" Fiona interrupted before Hob could spit out whatever epithet he was preparing, "I take it you two know each other?"

Cerul nodded. "Oh, sure," he answered. "Hob here does pretty much all the pipework in Slobberknob -- like I said before, we ogres ain't much for plumbin'. He used t'stop in three, four times a year on Wizards' Row. Ogres can be pretty rough on a sewer, as ye can probably imagine -- not that ye'd want to."

Donkey's long face scrunched up in disgust. "Ya got that right!" the animal agreed. "One outhouse is bad enough -- but a whole SEWER?" He shuddered, shaking his head as if trying to rattle the thought loose.

"Speaking of the Row," Hob changed the subject, much to the relief of all involved, "what are you doing down HERE instead of up THERE? They let you out early or something?"

Cerul blushed, scratching the back of his head self-consciously. "Somethin' like that. I sorta…let myself out early."

Hob groaned, cradling his head in gloved hands. "Great," he sighed. "I gotta buncha jailbirds on my hands. Well," he sighed, "I'm willing to give a guy a break -- but if anybody, and I mean ANYBODY asks, I didn't have Jack Sprat to do with this. Last thing I need is to lose this sweet government gig."

Shrek looked Hob over, sizing up the gremlin handyman. "So let me get this straight," the ogre said at last. "Odius hired a GREMLIN t'do his plumbin'?"

Hob nodded. "Among other things. Really, I pretty much do whatever needs doing -- construction, maintenance, repairs--"

"REPAIRS?" Shrek sputtered. "But aren't gremlins supposed to -- ye know -- BREAK things?"

"Sure. And I do -- especially when people get on my bad side by sticking their big, blue mitts where they don't belong," Hob answered, shooting an accusatory glare in the direction of Cerul. "But only a complete IDIOT would break something he couldn't fix. You're not callin' me an idiot -- ARE ya?"

"No, he's not," Cerul answered for Shrek. "Now, ye said you'd be willin' to give a guy a break. Any chance ye could get us all topside?"

Hob scratched his stubbly chin. "Yeah, I think I could manage that," the gremlin said after a moment's thought. "Just give me a second, OK?"

With that, Hob disappeared once more into the pipeline. For a second, Shrek feared that Cerul's shady acquaintance had made good his escape, but the sound of clanging pipes and half-muttered, half-shouted gremlin curses announced Hob's continued presence.

Still…

"I don't know how this guy thinks he's gonna help," Shrek whispered to Cerul as they waited for Hob to reappear. "It's not like we can just go shootin' up these pipes like Jack on one o' those economy-size beanstalks ye're always hearin' about. What we need is something' a little more roomy -- roomy and FAST. Somethin' like a--"

*DING!*

A tiny bell sounded from somewhere within the rock wall to the ogres' left. Both brothers turned just in time to see perfectly camouflaged twin doors slide open with a hiss to reveal a small, wood-paneled room, the faint sound of piped-in (maybe literally, it occurred to Shrek) music wafting through the air. It'd be a tight squeeze, but it was a lot better than a sewer pipe.

"Ye were sayin'?" Cerul asked with a sly grin as he stepped inside and slapped the "UP" button, holding the doors as first Shrek, then Fiona and finally Donkey crowded inside.

As the elevator's doors began to slide shut, Hob stuck his head out from with his pipework haven. "Try to keep outta trouble this time around, eh, Blue?" he called out as the doors closed and the lift lurched to life. "And careful with that first step -- it's a DOOZY…"