Blame: Aiden and John

John ducked rapidly out of sight, sneaking peeks around the corner until Elizabeth disappeared through the sliding doors. He knew she was going to the infirmary to debrief him, and he really did need to speak with her, but not now. Now, he needed to see Rodney. Elizabeth could wait; Rodney could not.

He should never have left it this long. Once he had started to think instead of wallowing in his own guilt, he could clearly see how upset Rodney had been at the deaths of his friends. He must have been blind to miss the despair in Rodney's eyes. How could he have missed such desolation? How could he so completely disregard Rodney's silence and depression, both so unlike him. He must have been blind.

"Sir."

Pulling up sharply, John barely avoided bowling over his 2IC who had launched himself cheerfully into his path. Blinking, he drew back. "Ford, hey, you need to quit jumping out at people like that. You could get hurt."

"Sorry Sir. Didn't you hear me calling? You nearly walked right by me."

"I have a lot on my mind. I'm also kinda busy, so I'll see you later, okay?" John strode off, annoyed when Ford turned to trot along at his side. "Was there something you wanted?"

"Uh, I just thought, you know, rough day. I have some hooch in my quarters. If you wanted, we could…"

"Nice thought, Ford. Maybe later." With a pat on the back, John began to edge away. "Right now I need to go find Rodney."

"McKay? Why, what do you want with him?" Aiden frowned, not at all happy with the rejection.

"Like you said, rough day. I need to check that he's okay."

"Why wouldn't he be? It's not like he was hurt or anything. In fact, he was the only one who got out easy."

"Are you serious? Do you have any idea what he's been through?"

"Oh, come on, Sir, I'm sure he's fine. He's probably sulking in his room."

"Sulking? I can't believe you just said that. Sulking?"

"Well, you know what he's like. He's probably heard what people are saying and…"

"Hold on, back up a minute. What people, and what are they saying?"

"You haven't heard?"

"What could I hear? I've been stuck in the infirmary since we got back. Again, what people, what are they saying?"

"You know, people. Mostly Kavanagh, Koch, Burns and the rest of that bunch. They were…uh…speculating about how Abrahams and Gaul died."

"What's to speculate. They were killed by the wraith."

"Abrahams was. Gaul was shot."

"Gaul shot himself. Ford, what's going on here?"

"It's just talk, Sir. Like maybe McKay panicked and people got hurt because he wasn't on the ball. And you know, we really don't know who shot Doctor Gaul, do we?"

"What are you saying here, that Rodney shot Gaul? Why the hell would he? It's not even consistent, for god's sake. One minute he's allegedly panicking, the next he's putting a bullet in his friend's head just so he's free to come help me fight a wraith. Does that make any sense to you?"

"I didn't say I believed it, only that they were saying it."

"So you set them straight, right?"

Aiden looked away with a diffident shrug. "How could I, Sir. I wasn't there, and neither were you."

"No, I wasn't. I left him alone to deal with Gaul, even knowing how scared Gaul was."

"What choice did you have, Sir. You had to stop the wraith."

"I should never have let it get to that stage in the first place. I was careless."

"It wasn't your fault, Sir; you didn't have adequate back-up. McKay should have…"

"Rodney did exactly what he should have. The responsibility for this screw up is mine, not his. I was in charge, not him."

"But Sir, if he had followed orders…"

"If he had followed orders, I'd be dead. God, you can be such a hall monitor sometimes, Ford. Look, Earth is in a galaxy far, far away. If we're going to survive out here, we need to make up our own rules. Rodney understands that, and he's doing his best to adapt. You need to do the same. You need to grow up."

"You want me to be more like McKay?"

"That's not what I'm saying. Just try to be more…flexible."

"I am flexible."

"No, you're not. You still buy all that crap they fed us. That being scared makes you a coward."

"Well, sure. If we all went to pieces the minute…"

"Ford, can't you see that being scared is not the same as losing your nerve. The same as bravery and fearlessness are not the same thing. Sure, Rodney gets scared, so do I. It's how you use your fear that counts. Being afraid, yet still doing what needs to be done. That's brave, and that's what Rodney is. Yes, he was scared, but not once did he crack. You were wrong before. I had the best back-up anyone could ask for. I had Rodney. If he hadn't come after me when he did, I'd be in the morgue with Gaul and Abrahams."

"You would have thought of something, Sir."

"No, I wouldn't have, not in time. All I had left to fight with was my knife, and I doubt I could have held out for long with that. Rodney saved my ass, and that's the truth."

"How? He could never have killed the wraith."

"I know that, and so did he. It didn't stop him trying, though, which is exactly the point I'm trying to make. C'mon Ford, you've been on the same team as Rodney long enough to know that he would do anything and everything to save any one of us."

"But, he's always whining about his hypoglycaemia, and his allergies, and how he's so much smarter than anyone else."

"He is smarter than anyone else. All the rest of it's just talk. You should pay attention to what he does, not what he says. Think about it, when has he ever let us down?"

"I guess he hasn't, but that's not to say he won't. He's not military, Sir, so does he really belong on a front line team? I mean, are you sure you can really trust him in a crisis."

"I trust him absolutely, with anything. Believe me, I have no doubts about Rodney's loyalty, and as his team mate, neither should you. Look, I don't have time for this now, but this isn't over. I think you need to go away and do some serious thinking, because if you can't work with Rodney, then I need to know. And I'm telling you now, if I have to restructure the team, it won't be Rodney who goes."

Unconcerned with Aiden's look of shocked disbelief, John hurried away. His worry over Rodney's state of mind was overwhelming now that he knew of the contemptible rumours running through Atlantis. What if something had been said to Rodney? Was it possible that Rodney was blaming himself? God, if he was, then what kind of interpretation would he have put on John's silence toward him. Dammit, he should have talked to him sooner, straightened things out between them. He should never have left it so long.