A/N: Thanks for all the reviews and the advice on how to get more reviews! grins
Buffy didn't even make out of Wolfram and Hart before she collapsed onto the stairs. Some part of it, she was sure, was the exhaustion of the fight. A whole other huge part of it was seeing her ex-boyfriend who she had thought dead for two years just standing there and almost killing her with an axe. Spike. Spike was alive. She knew she should feel relief but all she felt right then was anger at having been lied to. Who knew how long he had been back? And, what – telling her had just slipped his mind? Not gonna cut it.
Buffy heard Dawn coming down the stairs before she sat next to her on the cold concrete step. Buffy didn't look at her, she couldn't. She kept her head cradled in her hands as Dawn slipped an arm over her shoulder.
She had dealt with Spike's death it had taken her a long while but she had dealt with it and now here he was again and it just brought the previously buried pain back up into her chest, into her heart. Her heart felt like it was on fire and she couldn't breathe properly. She started to take in deep breaths and it sounded suspiciously like hyperventilating. Tears pooled on her bottom eyelids and threatened to spill out but she wiped them away furiously.
"I...don't understand" Buffy whispered slowly.
Dawn pulled her closer "Me neither. Seems we were left out of the loop"
Buffy choked up a laugh but then swallowed it bitterly down. She pulled away from Dawn and stood up with her back to her, not wanting to have to share what she was feeling with anyone. She looked up at the ceiling trying to make sure that the tears stayed back. Buffy wiped her face with her shirtsleeve and that was when she saw all the blood and realized what a state she looked. Buffy spun around to Dawn with a dire expression on her face.
"Oh, do I look as bad as I think I do?"
Dawn struggled with telling the truth and being kindly dishonest but went with brutal honesty "No. No. So long as you don't take offence to being compared to Carrie"
"Great! That's..." Buffy sighed and threw her hands out in the air "Just been involved in one hell of a fight, just found out he's back from the dead...and I'm worried about my hair"
Dawn gave her a sympathetic face "It's understandable. You're a girl"
"Is it...really bad? Are we talking frizz?" Buffy looked at Dawn with wide eyes hopeful for a 'no' answer.
"Major"
The Slayer gave a deep groan and ran her hands over her hair "I think I have to go and...have a shower, or at least find a basin"
"You can use mine"
Buffy and Dawn both looked up the staircase to see Angel standing there leaning against the railing and watching her with his dark eyes. Even after a fight he still looked perfectly spruced – only a small bruise on his chin and a cut under his left eye. He wore a black jacket, dark blue shirt and black pants. His hair was still perfect. Dammit. And she was mad at him, she remembered.
"No," Buffy shook her head, folding her arms "I don't think that will be necessary. I think that my sister and me are just gonna go. You know. Far, far away" She turned to leave as Dawn stood to follow her.
"Buffy" Angel descended the stairs slowly "It was Spike's choice not to tell you"
The Slayer took a step up towards him "You could have called me. I...I wouldn't have come, not if he didn't want me to. You could have told me"
Angel looked down at the floor for a moment then shook his head slowly "Buffy..."
"How...how long?"
Angel looked at her questioningly "What?"
"How long after he...died. How long after did he come back?"
The vampire paused for a long while and Buffy watched his face go through conflicting emotions and he shifted from foot to foot.
She felt a flush of panic and anger flare through her "How long, Angel?"
"Six months" Spike announced as he stood at the top of the staircase.
Buffy looked up at him and bit the side of her mouth to stop herself from saying something she didn't want to say. Like that she had missed him. No, she wanted to be angry not all girly and weepy. Anger was the key to avoid feeling real feelings. She looked at him with his mussed platinum curly locks and that scar running through his left eyebrow, those bluest of blue eyes, those cheekbones...Buffy looked away from him before she did something stupid like hug him again.
Six months. So, he had been back for a year and a half and he had not told her. Yep, there was that anger she was looking for.
"So, they don't have phones here?" Buffy asked with scorn in her voice "No E-mail? No...no anything? Or...or am I getting radio silence treatment again?"
She remembered how much it had hurt her when Riley had gone and had not contacted her at all in all those months. But at least she knew that he was alive and had not started to burn up in front of her very own eyes. Buffy looked down at her hand and recalled the sensation of gripping Spike's hand as it caught on fire. The flames had enveloped her hand and she had felt nothing, just sort of cleansed as she looked up into his eyes and said those words that she had said all that time ago in the Hellmouth when the world had almost ended.
"Buffy –" Spike started and took a couple of steps down the stairs.
"Don't!" Buffy took a step back "Don't come near me! I...I am going home. I...this never happened. You obviously didn't want me to know, right? So, I'll just pretend it never happened. Or, maybe Willow can help me out with a spell, huh?" She turned to leave.
"Oh, don't be bloody stupid" Spike marched down the stairs "I didn't tell you because..."
She whirled around to him and he was only a few steps away – the hardness in her eyes made him take a step back "You didn't tell me because what, Spike?"
"Because...I just couldn't" He looked off to the side "I had to...be me. Before I could see you again. I had to just be me again"
Buffy scowled "And what the hell does that mean?"
Spike blinked and just stood looking at her. The Slayer sighed and turned away from him turning up her eyes to look at the ceiling of the stairwell. She heard him exhale a long sigh too and that got her mad again – he was frustrated with her? Buffy spun around, surprised to find Angel and Dawn had scampered, and walked up close to him so close that their chests almost touched. She tried to ignore the almost long-forgotten scent of him. Spike smelt of smoke, blood, death and, a little strangely, apples. He was literally the apple that tempted Eve.
The vampire looked down at her and his eyes widened just a little as he thought about stepping away or maybe...closing the gap.
"Do you hate me, Spike?" She asked looking up into his eyes.
"What?" Spike frowned, shook his head "No! No, of course not. I could never hate you"
Buffy tilted her head, kept her voice soft "Then why would you keep this from me? You could have called...just to let me know that you...that you weren't..." She felt the tears pooling up in her eyes again.
He looked off to the side then down at her and spoke just as softly "I couldn't call you for a while. I came back as a ghost. Couldn't leave the city limits. And after...well, I needed to see if I could live alone without depending on you. Without needing to just be near you. Besides...Andrew, he told me you were happy with Dawn in Rome. Said you had a new bloke too, so, I didn't wanna ruin that. I didn't want to ruin your life again"
Buffy took a step back "Andrew knew? He knew and he didn't tell me?"
"I asked him not to"
"This is Andrew! He can't keep anything a secret!" Buffy cried "Especially not for two years!"
Spike shrugged "I suppose he can if it's important"
"Me not knowing you're alive is important, huh?"
"Buffy..." Spike reached his hand out to her.
Again she looked down at his hand and was reminded of their fingers interlaced and on fire as she looked into his eyes. Spike jerked his hand away and stuffed it into the pocket of his jacket, she looked at him and he gave her a look that told her he knew exactly what she was remembering. They looked at each other in the eyes and then mutually looked away.
"Well..." Buffy felt her jaw set "You may not hate me but I hate you"
Spike looked up, that look on his face – the sad eyes, the slightly parted lips, the slight shake of his head.
She took a step backwards and hit the wall "I hate you for not telling me. I hate you swearing Andrew to secrecy. I hate you for choosing to stay with Angel, the one guy you're suppose to hate in the whole world –"
"Buffy, I –"
"I hate you for sacrificing yourself in the first place. I hate you for not coming with me when I begged you to. I hate you for choosing to burn up in the Hellmouth instead of to live your life. I hate you for asking me to give you the amulet. And I hate you for loving me" Buffy felt the tear slip down her cheek before she could stop it and she turned to bolt down the stairs.
Spike chased her and blocked her way "Don't do this, luv"
"You should have stayed dead" Buffy yelled and shoved him hard.
He stumbled and went down. Buffy watched in horror as Spike tumbled down the concrete stairs. Her eyes never left him in a morbid sort of fascination. His leather duster flailed in every direction and his limbs stuck out in odd shapes as he hit step after step. She heard his head make a sickening thud, thud, thud on every step until he collapsed onto the platform below where he rolled over backwards from sheer speed and trajectory and struck the back of his head against the wall with a loud crack. Spike groaned and sat there slumped with his back against the wall.
Buffy stood there at the tops of the stairs and just looked at him. Then she collapsed onto the top stair and sat there with her legs pulled up high to her chest, her arms wrapped around them. She rested her forehead against her knees.
"I always do this," She said quietly "I always...I always do this. I always hurt you"
Spike let out a wince and pulled himself slowly up into a straighter sitting position, his pupils were glazed and uneven "No. It...it was me. I hurt you. It's me...who always hur...hurts you"
"I have to go" Buffy looked up, eyes unfocused "I have to find Dawn and go"
"No! No..." Spike groaned as he attempted to stand "Please, luv, we haven't...we need to talk"
She shook her head "No, us talking always seems to lead to us fighting"
"It didn't before. That last year" He braced his back against the wall and half-stood "We were fine then. We were actually getting on. I thought we got quite..."
"Close" Buffy laughed a little but it was bittersweet as she stood slowly "Yeah, we were real close, Spike. So close that when you died and came back from the dead you didn't want me to know"
Spike straightened up; clutching his stomach wound "No. I wanted you to know. I just...didn't know how to tell you. Then once I found out you had a bloke I..."
"You what? You just thought I wouldn't give a damn if you were alive? You think I am that fickle, Spike?" Buffy shouted, looking down at him "You think I had just moved on and forgotten about you?"
"I thought that maybe you should forget about me" He replied looking back at her.
The Slayer threw her hands up in the air "And there it is. More of that self-aware vampire crap. God, did working with Angel do this to you? Did he give you lessons in ways to break my heart?" Her voice had gone raw and she no longer cared that tears were running down her face.
"Buffy," Spike started up the stairs towards her, still clutching his stomach "I don't own your heart. I never did and we both know it"
She turned her back on his ascension "That so? You can read my heart now?"
"Well, no. I never did understand you"
"Funny, your line used to be the complete opposite"
"No," He reached the top step and was directly behind her "I thought I knew you. Thought I could bring you into the dark with me. But you're a girl who deserves to be in the light. Always did, always will"
She felt his voice travel down her skin, down the back of her neck leading a trail of ice all the way down her spine and making her muscles tense. She turned her head to the side and glanced at him over her shoulder before turning away again "I can't deal with this now. I...came here because I had something important to tell Angel"
"Oh" Spike stepped up next to her and then around her "Well, he seems to have buggered off along with Dawnie"
"They won't be far away. Wouldn't wanna miss all the excitement" Buffy cocked her head to the side then smiled grimly as she walked up the other flight of stairs and yanked the door open.
Both Angel and Dawn stumbled into the stairwell and nearly fell but steadied each other. Buffy crossed her arms and looked down at them in disapproval.
Dawn frowned "We couldn't hear anything anyway" She grumbled.
"Not that I was trying to. I was just keeping an eye on Dawn, making sure she didn't get into any trouble" Angel cleared his throat and nodded.
"Hey! You were the one that came up with the idea" Dawn smacked his arm.
Angel grinned and patted Dawn's head "Of course I did, Dawnie " He gave Buffy a look as if to say these crazy kids today, huh?
"Enough. I just wanna get this over with. Angel there's something I need to tell you" Buffy walked out of the staircase knowing that he would follow her.
She walked through the corridor of dead lizard bodies and just stepped over them as if they weren't even there. Buffy made her way to the office at the end of the corridor, which she just knew, was Angel's office. The Slayer opened both of the doors as she entered unaware that she mirrored Angel's entrance every time he wanted to make a statement.
Buffy looked around his plush, expensively furnished office and knew that she was meant to be impressed. The desk, the couches, the windows streaming sunlight through the room, the carpet, and the art deco mural behind the desk...it was all so wrong. This wasn't Angel. Buffy stood in the middle of the room and faced the door as Angel entered. He closed the doors behind him and stepped slowly closer to her as if apprehensive of what she might do. After throwing Spike down the stairs she wouldn't have blamed him for being cautious.
"Buffy, I'm sorry –" He started, his chocolate eyes melting at her still with all that soul in them.
"No. I understand why" Buffy said "Spike asked you not to"
Angel nodded slowly "Yes"
"And you always do what Spike tells you to do" Buffy looked at him, kept her voice light but the sarcasm was running beneath it.
"I –"
"You didn't want me to know Angel," The Slayer interrupted him "You wanted to keep Spike and I apart. What was it you said back in Sunnydale? 'Getting the brush off for Captain Peroxide doesn't exactly bring out the champion in you'. That's right, right?"
Angel strolled up to her "That is not what happened, Buffy. It was Spike's choice not to tell you and I...okay, maybe I wasn't gonna give him a rousing speech and send him off with a plane ticket and a ring but I didn't tell him not to go. I stayed neutral"
"Something you're very good at" Buffy said coldly "Or...at least until you took over an evil law firm. Finally got off the fence and chose your side. Gotta be honest with you Angel, I didn't see this coming. I never saw the day when I wouldn't be able to trust you completely, the day when we were no longer allies"
Angel's face lost all expression as he spoke "I am trying to do the right thing here. It was your decision to cut off from me completely. Andrew told me just what you thought of me. So, what is it exactly you're doing here? Besides insulting me and throwing Spike down the stairs?"
Buffy looked at him for a long moment "I thought you couldn't hear anything?"
"Dawn couldn't. I could. Vampire hearing"
"Right, good. Eavesdropping" She shook her head "God, Angel! You have changed. But I did come here for a good reason. There's trouble. Here. And on a more global scale. This thing is so big and so dangerous that it makes us seem tiny. We need to help each other on this because divided we fall" She watched his face.
Angel paused then nodded "I'm willing to share"
A/N: Need I say it again? You know what I want. El Reviewos!