Ogres About Town

"I thought love was only true in fairy tales … meant for someone else but not for me…"

Shrek cringed as an unseen speaker crackled to life, filling the elevator with the bouncy tune. It wasn't that he didn't like the song. He did -- or at least, he HAD the first million times or so he'd heard it. But since those seven dwarves had hit the big time, it seemed he couldn't go anywhere -- even somewhere as far out of the way as Slobberknob -- without hearing it. He'd never been much on singing himself, and he had even less tolerance for others' attempts. And when it was the same tune over … and over … and over …

"…love was out to get me … that's the way it seemed …"

He shifted his weight uncomfortably from one foot to the other in vain search of a few more precious inches of "personal space" in the crowded compartment. With two ogres, one willowy princess and a donkey, it was a tight fit; had Fiona still boasted her more … substantial … ogress figure, Shrek doubted the foursome could have fit at all. As things were, it was shaping up to be an uncomfortable and impossibly long journey from the depths of Hob's tunnels--

(To WHERE exactly? Shrek wondered. The pint-sized plumber had assured them that the lift would carry them all "topside" to Slobberknob. Just where in the ogre city they'd emerge, though, the gremlin had conveniently forgotten to mention.

An' the LAST thing this bunch needs is any more surprises Shrek thought to himself dourly. Like we haven't had enough of THOSE already…

"…disappointment haunted all my dreams …"

He glanced down at Fiona, who was shoehorned between her husband and brother-in-law, arms pinned to her sides by the ogres' bulk. She looked tired -- who wasn't? -- and impatient, again understandable considering the circumstances. Beyond the obvious, though, Shrek was having his usual difficulties, and then some, getting any sort of read on her mood. He often struggled to figure his royal spouse out, even in the best of times; between his own exhaustion and his wife's transformation, which made interpreting her body language a dicey enterprise at best, the odds were hopelessly against the ogre.

"…then I saw her face … now I'm a believer …"

Suddenly, Fiona's eyes were on him, and a wry grin played across her lips. "They're playing our song…" she whispered teasingly. Shrek nodded but didn't answer. "Hey," she said quietly, noticing Shrek's pensive mood, "shilling for your thoughts?"

Shrek rolled his eyes roof ward. "Assumin' we ever get back t'Duloc to spend it?"

Fiona's princess smile soured into the pursed lips of a seriously worried wife. The recent turn of events had been tough on everybody, but it wasn't the first time they'd found themselves in hot water. Still, this particular misadventure seemed to be wearing on her usually steadfast husband more than most, and that bothered her. This band of friends -- no this FAMILY -- depended on Shrek, and if they were going to find a way out of this mess, they'd need the courageous if curmudgeonly ogre they all knew and loved leading the way.

"Don't worry -- everything will be FINE. You'll see," she reassured her dispirited spouse. Shrek's frown faded as he felt Fiona's again petite hand slip into his. Their fingers -- his thick and green, hers slender and pale -- entwined, her head coming to rest against his broad shoulder.

"…not a trace … a doubt in my mind …"

Shrek exhaled, allowing himself to relax just a little. Maybe things weren't SO bad at that. After all, everyone had made it through the insanity they'd faced so far unharmed, if not unchanged, and that was the important thing, right? And they'd weather whatever challenges were to come when they came. For now, though, he was content to just enjoy this brief respite with the woman he loved.

"…I'm in love …ooooh, I'm a believer … I couldn't leave her if I tried…"

---------------

DING!

Too soon, the couple's little moment was gone, the pealing of an unseen bell and the squeak of opening doors announcing an end to this leg of their journey. Sunlight poured into the cramped elevator, bathing its passengers in the golden glow of the long-absent sun.

"Ground floor!" Donkey crowed as he forced his way toward the doors. Sunlight, fresh air and --"

Before he could manage more than a couple steps (OR words), Donkey found his forward motion brought to a quick stop as Shrek's hand fell heavily on the animal's hairy hindquarters.

"Better let me go first, Donkey," Shrek warned him. "Considerin' our other options are … lessee … a talkin' donkey, a human princess an' the Technicolor wizard here, I think I'm jus' a LITTLE less likely t' draw attention, hmmmm?

Donkey nodded, easing aside to let Shrek through. "Yeah, OK -- go ahead. But remember what that little guy said about the first--"

Donkey's next words were literally drowned out as Shrek disappeared from view and a geyser of water erupted from just beyond the elevator doors, forcing the three remaining travelers to retreat as best they could toward the back of the tiny compartment or risk another drenching. Once the coast was clear (and dry), Donkey, then Fiona and finally Cerul poked their heads over the edge of the doorframe. A few feet below, Shrek lay sprawled in the basin of what appeared to be a fountain, soaked to the green skin yet again. The water surged under the ogre's impact, waves lapping the brick-lined edges of the shallow pool.

Shrek looked furious, but Donkey couldn't help but enjoy seeing the ogre's self-inflicted payback for his faithful steed's unexpected swim a few hours earlier.

"Ha!" Donkey brayed as Shrek struggled to his feet. "Ain't so funny NOW, is it? Think about THAT the next time ya tell somebody you gonna catch 'em, then ya go an'--"

"Let it go, Donkey," Fiona quietly chastised her miffed friend, mussing his bristling mane affectionately.

"All right, all right," the sulking Donkey conceded, giving Shrek one last dirty look for good measure. "Y'know," he hissed at the ogre, "you're just lucky Fiona's around t'cover your big green butt. If SHE wasn't here, I'd--"

"Donkey…"

"Right. Sorry," Donkey mumbled sheepishly as he stepped aside. Fiona leaned over the edge and smiled at Shrek. "So…" she asked coyly, reaching out to her waterlogged husband, "care to rescue a damsel in distress?"

Shrek grinned despite his soggy situation. "Well, it's no tallest tower, but what the hey…" he laughed, then gave a exaggerated bow so deep that his bald head brushed the water's still rippling surface. "As ye command, yer highness…"

Fiona stepped from the elevator, Shrek's strong hands firmly around her newly narrow waist, and was swept effortlessly from the cramped confines of the elevator to the cobblestones of the seemingly deserted town square beyond the fountain.

Fiona safely on solid ground, Shrek turned back to the elevator and Donkey, stretching out his thick arms to beckon his furry friend down.

Donkey, though, had other ideas.

"Nuh-uh! No way, man!" Donkey scoffed at the offer of aid. "Fool me one … uh … well, about par for the course. Fool me TWICE, though--"

"Look -- I promise, no funny stuff, OK?" Shrek hissed, getting antsy as he glanced around the empty courtyard. They were alone, for now -- but who knew how long THAT would last?

Donkey studied the ogre's face warily, fearing another prank. "You promise?" he asked, suspicion thick in his voice.

Shrek nodded. "I promise."

"Really?"

"Really, really."

Donkey looked unconvinced. "Princess?" he asked, looking past Shrek to the waiting Fiona. She shook her head in agreement. "He promises," she reassured the high-strung steed with a meaningful glance at Shrek.

"Well … OK, if YOU say so," Donkey gave in. He snuck one last peek at the drop to the water below, took a deep breath -- and jumped. Sure enough, Shrek's fingers closed tight around his airborne friend, snatching him up in mid-flight.

"Whew! Nice catch, Shrek!" Donkey sighed with relief -- relief that quickly turned to panic as a sly grin spread across Shrek's face. He felt the ogre's grip loosen ever so slightly. "Uh, Shrek…?"

"Shrek…"

Shrek winced. Although his back was to her, he could imagine Fiona standing behind him, hands on her belt-draped hips, blue eyes narrowing as her best royal glare burned a hole in the back of his skull. With what Donkey later swore was a whimper, Shrek turned and placed the animal safely on the ground next to the princess. "See?" he asked, giving Donkey a pat on the head for good measure, "safe an' sound --as promised. Cerul?"

The wizard poked his head out from the elevator's interior. "Comin'!" he called out as he mashed the "DOWN" button. A split-second before the doors slammed shut, he leapt from his perch above the trio, clearing the water completely and landing with a thud and a grunt on the street below.

Behind him, the elevator sank from view into the "depths" of the basin and beyond. As it did, the rough stone statue that crowned the lift settled again into place atop its pedestal in the center of the fountain. Within a few seconds, a steady stream of water was pouring out from between the figure's puckered lips, splashing noisily back into the pool below.

"Hey! It's that Throwback guy again!" Donkey exclaimed, recognizing the expectorating statue from his earlier visit -- seemingly years ago, though in reality it couldn't have been more than a couple of days. "Guess that greasy little gremlin knew what he was talkin' about after all…"

"Yeah -- score one for Hob," Shrek grumbled as he surveyed their surroundings. Slobberknob had been pretty quiet -- all right, REALLY quiet -- the last time around, but it'd been positively bustling compared to now. NO one was around -- which, Shrek had to admit, wasn't exactly a bad thing considering the group's status as fugitives from ogre justice.

Shrek felt the gentle weight of Fiona's hand on his arm. "Now what?" she asked expectantly.

"Now?" Shrek answered, pausing a heartbeat for effect. "Now, we head straight to those caves and on t'Dul--"

"Ahem!"

Donkey cleared his throat, drawing the attention of ogre and princess alike. Shrek sighed. "Do ye have somethin' ye'd like t'share with the class, Donkey?" he asked half-mockingly.

"As a matter o' fact, I DO," Donkey sniffed indignantly. "Maybe you forgot, but there's a big ol' ROCK between those caves an' us. Did ya think about THAT, huh?"

Shrek scowled. "Honestly? I DID forget about the rock," he admitted. "But with three ogres, I think we--"

A tug on his still-wet sleeve cut Shrek short. Fiona looked up at him, her face a mix of bemusement and embarrassment. With a little half-smile, she held up two fingers to remind her husband of her current … condition.

"Oh. Right," he apologized. "Well … even with just TWO ogres, we should still be able to--"

"Uh, Shrek?"

"The ogre groaned. "Yes, Donkey?"

"I don't mean to annoy ya…"

Shrek recoiled in mock surprise. "You? Annoy ME?" he asked sarcastically.

"OK, OK -- no need t'get all snippy," Donkey scolded. "I was just gonna say, I don't mean to annoy ya, BUT … ya might wanna check that math again, 'cause I'm only countin' ONE ogre."

Donkey nodded past Shrek. While the ogre had been arguing arithmetic, his brother the would-be wizard had slipped away. Cerul now stood at the far end of the town square, studying street signs that hadn't been there the last time he'd walked the streets of Slobberknob.

Not wanting to yell and risk drawing attention to their outlaw band, Shrek sprinted across the court, Fiona and Donkey close at his heels. He stopped a few feet short of Cerul, who still stood deep in thought at the foot of the signpost.

"Cerul?" Shrek panted, a little out of breath from the run, "where in Grimm's name do ye think ye're goin'?"

Cerul sneered. "For yer information, I've got a few things t'pick up while I'm in town."

"A few…" Shrek started to ask before trailing off in disbelief. "Look, ye can window-shop later! Right now, I'd like t'get home -- an' the LAST thing we need is t'be splittin' up."

"Fine -- tag along if ye want to," Cerul shrugged as started down one of the many side streets winding away from the central square. "Consider it a stroll down memory lane…"

---------------

"I want this road cordoned off NOW! Do I make myself clear?"

The soldier nodded, horned helmet slipping back and forth on his close-shorn head. "Y-yes, sir! General Grunder, sir!" he stuttered, then turned to glare back at his equally cowed comrades. "You heard the ogre -- put up those road blocks on the double!" he barked. Hurriedly, the other grunts went to work dragging several heavy wooden frames -- freshly painted black and yellow stripes still glistening, torches burning beneath crude yellow bulbs -- across the dirt path stretching from Slobberknob to the caves above.

Grunder nodded his approval and continued uphill. The ogre warlord was NOT in a good mood. He didn't like prisoners -- especially THESE particular prisoners -- escaping on his watch.

And it doesn't help he thought sourly to himself that I can't so much as take a stroll around my base camp without tripping over--

"ODIUS!"

Grunder stumbled to a halt as the monarch suddenly appeared in front of him. The older ogre didn't look much happier than Grunder, and if HE wasn't happy … well, he usually saw to it that no one else unfortunate to cross his path was, either.

"That's KING Odius to you, general," Odius corrected his lieutenant. "Everything proceeding according to plan, I trust?"

Grunder pulled himself up to his impressive full height, back ramrod straight, chin out. "Of course, Your Highness," he answered stiffly. "The town in under lockdown, roadblocks are being erected as we speak, and as for the cave itself, sentries have been posted--"

"How many?"

Grunder looked at the king in confusion. "Milord?"

"Don't 'milord' me, Grunder," Odius growled. "Just answer the question: How many sentries?"

"Just the two, mi-I mean, Your Highness."

"And you're CERTAIN that will be sufficient?"

Grunder hesitated, teeth grinding, his scarred brow knitting in silent rage at Odius' interrogation. King or not, who was Odius to question HIS command decisions? "I am, Your Highness," he answered at last. "New sentries will be rotated in throughout the night to provide fresh eyes for lookout. And if those … traitors … are foolish enough to show their faces, my troops have been instructed to raise the alarm immediately. There may only be two of my men there when the escapees ARRIVE, sire -- but I assure you, there will be considerably more long before our quarry manage to move that last roadblock" -- he gestured toward the cave mouth and the massive boulder wedged within -- "and DEPART."

Odius scowled but nodded. "I hope you're right, general," the kind said softly as he slipped past Grunder and headed back toward Slobberknob and, assumedly, his distant castle. "For YOUR sake…"

---------------

Shrek and company quickly learned that despite first appearances, they were NOT alone on the empty streets of Slobberknob. In fact, more than once they found themselves diving for cover just seconds ahead of one of Grunder's foot patrols, confirming what each had silently feared for some time: Odius knew they'd escaped and was actively searching for them. Still, Shrek and Cerul seemed to have at least a rough idea of where they were headed -- although Fiona couldn't help but wonder if, considering the time and the changes since the ogre siblings had last spent any appreciable time in the city, whether they would even recognize what they were looking for when and if they found it.

As it turned out, recognizing their destination was the easiest part of the whole quest.

"THAT's what we been lookin' for?" Donkey sputtered as he took in the spectacle before them. "An' it took us THIS long to find it? Man, I bet you can see that thing from SPACE!"

'That thing' was a treehouse -- not some ogre child's scrap-lumber lair, but a huge, ancient hardwood tree (or what was left of it, anyway) reshaped into something at least roughly resembling a house. Holes carved into the trunk served as windows, complete with scraggly weeds struggling to survive in long-untended window boxes. Rough stone steps led up to a patchwork front door, a badly sagging overhang pounded together from old logs protecting the tiny porch from sun and rain alike. Thick, leafy vines snaked their emerald way across the face of the massive trunk, from its gnarled roots all the way to where one would have expected branches, or at least a roof.

But there were no branches, nor a roof. Instead, the trunk ended abruptly in a crown of jagged timbers charred a deep, smoky charcoal.

And THAT was about the most natural color to be found on the deciduous-turned-domicile. Most of the trunk was an unnaturally vibrant PINK, peppered here and there with spots of sunny YELLOW -- both far too deeply ingrained in the wood to be mere paint.

Fiona blinked, the tree's spots dancing before her eyes. "Uh, wow…" she said at last. "That's an … interesting … choice of colors. Is it SUPPOSED to look like that?"

Shrek shook his head. "That would be a 'no,'" he answered with a chuckle.

"Whew! THAT's good to know!" Fiona laughed. "So what happened?"

Shrek thumbed in Cerul's direction. "What d'ye THINK happened?" he sneered as he started toward the house next door to the towering eyesore. By comparison, this neighboring home looked incredibly normal -- by ogre standards, anyway. It was a squat, one-story shack not unlike Shrek and Fiona's own home, thrown together from boulders, logs, mud and seemingly whatever else was laying around. Still, with its once-white, though now mildewed, picket fence and tidy though thorny hedge, it exuded its own kind of charm -- not exactly inviting, Fiona thought to herself, but certainly not foreboding.

At least, not until one noticed the huge crocodile asleep in the front yard.

Fiona started to call out to Shrek, to warn him of the danger, but decided against it for fear of waking the slumbering beast.

For his part, Shrek was doing his best to be stealthy, sneaking up the walk on ogre tip-toes. After what seemed to Fiona like hours, he reached the door and raised a fist to tap, ever so lightly--

zzzzzzzzzzzzzSNORT!

The crocodile opened one yellow eye, sliver of a pupil scanning the yard. Shrek saw the creature awake, but it was too late -- it saw HIM, too. A growl rumbling low in its throat, the croc uncurled and launched itself at the trespasser. Fiona screamed and Donkey hid his eyes as Shrek disappeared beneath the scaly green blur--

"All right, all right -- I GIVE!"

Donkey cracked one eye, bracing himself for some grisly scene of croc-inflicted carnage -- although, he had to admit, Shrek didn't SOUND like he was being eaten alive. In fact, it almost sounded like he was … laughing?

Opening the other eye, Donkey snuck a peek in the direction of Shrek's voice. The ogre was struggling to extricate himself from the crocodile, which was perched on top of him like some overeager house pet -- broad tail wagging happily, slobbery tongue hanging limply from between powerful, tooth-lined jaws.

"Shrek?" Donkey heard Fiona ask. The princess looked as scared and confused as he was; Cerul, in contrast, was absolutely beaming.

"Sorry if we scared ye, Fi," Shrek apologized as he finally managed to shove the crocodile aside and stood up, wiping a few stray strands of croc saliva from his face. "Never could sneak past ol' Tock here…"

"Tock?"

Shrek nodded. "Yeah, that's his name -- Tock."

Donkey pondered this for a second, then he grinned. "Ooooooh -- I get it now! 'Cause he's like a watchdog, right? A … a watchGATOR! That it?"

"Well…" Shrek answered after a pause. "More like … a CLOCKodile."

"Clockodile?"

Shrek patted the clearly overjoyed pet's head. "Go ahead," he offered in place on an explanation. "Have a listen."

Donkey took a few cautious steps toward the beast. At Shrek's urging, he pressed one floppy gray ear against its yellow-striped belly. Sure enough, just audible above the sound of the crocodile's panting and heartbeat was the steady tick-tock of an old alarm clock.

Donkey jumped back in surprise, then leaned back in -- just to make sure he wasn't hearing things. It was definitely a clock! He shook his shaggy head in disbelief. "This thing eats CLOCKS?" he asked incredulously.

"Among other things," Shrek answered ominously, pointing across the lawn to a huge red food dish, "TOCK" scrawled across it in white block letters. A tangle of unidentifiable, well-gnawed bones jutted out from within, with several more scattered around the yard. "Just t'be on the safe side," the ogre warned, "I'd advise keepin' yer hands hooves to yerself."

Donkey blanched and backed away. "I'd just LOVE t'stay an' get t'know your … uh … man-eatin' buddy here," he stammered as he made a hasty retreat to the relative safety of Fiona's side, "but I think I better head back over this way an'… an' protect the princess. Faithful steed stuff -- you know how it is…"

Shrek just shrugged and headed back up the steps to the front door. Again, he raised one heavy green fist --

-- and again, he never got the chance to knock. Before he could bring the fist down, the door swung open to reveal a stooped but scary-looking ogress in housecoat and curlers. "For the last time," she screeched in a raspy hiss of a voice as she waved a rolled-up newspaper menacingly, "get offa my lawn, you little -- SHREK!?!"

Shrek opened his mouth to answer but managed only a yelp of pain and surprise as the ogress grabbed him by one tapered ear and half-dragged, half-threw him into the house. Eyes darting about wildly, she scanned the yard, then gestured sharply to the rest of the group.

"Get inside!" she ordered, pointing to the still-open door behind her. "NOW!"

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