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Come Undone

Chapter 12.

Ryan awoke to darkness. He felt disoriented, something wasn't right. He pushed the tangled blanket off and sat up. He let his eyes grow accustomed to the dark and realised that he was in the guest room. His heart sank as the day's events came rushing back. He flicked on the lamp and looked at his watch. It was midnight. He'd slept all afternoon and evening.

He rubbed his hand over his face trying to get rid of the heaviness of too much sleep. The last thing he remembered was clinging onto Kirsten like a fucking baby. Way to let your guard down Atwood. He got up and realised he still had his boots on. He sat back down and removed them, all the while listening for sounds from the house. He crept to the door and opened it. The hallway was in darkness too, it looked like the Cohen's had retired for the night.

He slowly padded his way to the kitchen and unlocked the back door, gently shutting it behind him, and made his way to the pool house. He stripped his clothes off in the dark, went to the bathroom and stepped under the shower, turning the heat and pressure up so it blasted his skin and massaged his aching body. He stayed there until his skin pruned, then reluctantly turned the shower off. He got a clean pair of sweats out and put them on, then sat down on the bed.

He resisted the urge to put the light on. That was the disadvantage of the pool house being opposite Kirsten and Sandy's suite, they were like trap door spiders. Some nights when he couldn't sleep he'd put his light on and read, only to find five minutes later one of them would be tapping on the door checking things were all right. Part of him liked that level of concern but the secluded side of him sometimes wished to be left alone, and now was one of those times.

So he sat in the dark wishing things could go back to normal. If he could just turn the clock back a week he was sure he would have handled things differently. He would have kept his emotions in check. But now he was left with the feeling that he and Sandy were pushing against each other and there was no way back. And he was sure he had freaked Kirsten out with his silent clinging display last night. If she was worried about brain damage before, she probably had her proof now. He didn't even know why he'd done it; he'd never been a tactile person generally so it confused him as to why he had held on to Kirsten. Shit he really hadn't been thinking straight the last few days and that probably had something to do with all the drugs and booze he had consumed. Now he could get back in control of himself.

Kirsten and Sandy had spent half the night in each other's arms trying to make sense of how they were going to proceed with Ryan. They both knew they were in over their heads with this situation. Sandy was still feeling the guilt of forcefully restraining Ryan, he knew that he'd done it for the right reasons but it didn't make it any easier. He had grabbed his arm because he hadn't wanted to lose Ryan again and that fear had made him hold on so tight but the look in Ryan's eyes had said it all. The look that Sandy had seen was almost one of resignation that the honeymoon period was over. Sandy knew he had to build some bridges with Ryan and fast.

They had both agreed that Ryan needed to see someone professionally, someone who was trained in dealing with Ryan's complex psyche. They also knew that Ryan would see it as a further alienation from the family, one thing that would cause him to remember that his past experiences had set him apart from them but they couldn't let him fall back into denial. They both knew they were in for a rough ride.

Seth stood outside the pool house, he could see Ryan lying on his bed through the chink in the blind. Now all he had to do was go in and talk to him, something he'd been putting off. Yesterday had been a rollercoaster ride for the family and he had managed to avoid it.

Seth knew that Ryan wasn't stupid and soon he would wonder why the friend who normally wouldn't give him a moment's peace was suddenly avoiding him. Seth had lain in bed most of last night thinking about Ryan, trying to imagine what life must have been like for him. Seth had a hard time trying to comprehend how a father could do that to his son. Seth knew that it happened, he'd seen enough Movies of the Week to know that it did but this was Ryan, someone he knew and that freaked him out. What if his mouth ran away with him and he said something to Ryan that would cause Ryan to hate him? He couldn't bear that. Ryan was his first real friend. Seth grabbed the door handle; he couldn't put this off forever.

He tapped on the door and swung it open. Ryan sat up with an unreadable look on his face.

"Hey Buddy…. I bought you a coffee...good and strong just as you like it."

Ryan took the cup.

"Thanks."

He took a sip knowing that it was probably unwise considering he hadn't eaten anything since he had puked his guts up in Chino and he had apparently spent most of yesterday asleep so food had been the last thing on his mind. He was hungry now and had just been contemplating going in and raiding the fridge,

Seth fidgeted around not quite knowing what to do or say, so he just watched Ryan drink his coffee. He noticed that Ryan was now looking at him and was starting to clench his jaw.

"Did you want something Seth or are you just in a hurry to leave, cause I'm not stopping you." His voice had a slight edge to it.

Seth thought fast…. act naturally or he's going to know. So he fell back on an old favourite.

"Ryan I need your advice…. the thing is me and Summer…"

And that did it. As he rambled on about Summer he saw Ryan relax as they settled into their old routine. It was easy. His dad was right, this was Ryan, nothing had changed. He was still Ryan. Ryan who he had seen OD in the last 24 hours, Ryan who was going to run out on him again in Chino, Ryan who had almost lost it with his dad last night. But deep down essentially he was still Ryan, the boy who had seen beyond Seth's geek side and had totally always had his back. Now it was time for Seth to give some of that back.

Kirsten relaxed when she heard the sound of Ryan and Seth in the kitchen. She had really expected to find Ryan gone this morning but short of locking him in the house like Ryan had said, she knew there was no real way of getting him to stay other than making him realise that this was now his home rather than just a place he was living in.

She breezed in with a jovial 'Good Morning' that would have made Sir Laurence Olivier proud. She wanted to hug Seth who had noticed the change in atmosphere in the room and had gone into hyper babble mode to cover.

Ryan was amused by the way Seth was playing both him and Kirsten but it was helping to ease the awkwardness between them and it helped him avoid the events of last night with Kirsten. He began to think that things weren't so bad, that they could all return to normal after all.

That was until Sandy walked in. Ryan could feel himself tense. He forced himself to continue eating his cereal and tried to smile at the right times but his body was letting him down.

Sandy sat down opposite Ryan, trying to keep the conversation light, laughing at Seth's description of a water polo jock.

Ryan could kick himself, he was supposed to be in control but the tell tale signs of anxiety were setting in. His palms were sweating and he could feel his heart racing. In fact, a whole lot like the symptoms when AJ made an appearance after an ass -kicking episode. Ryan tried to rationalise that this was Sandy and the two couldn't compare but last night Ryan had seen a side of Sandy that he hadn't known existed. Ryan stared at his glass of juice, willing himself to calm down.

Seth was getting worried as he looked from his dad to Ryan. He could see the change in Ryan when his dad came in the room, he had gone from just looking awkward to looking scared and that wasn't an expression he'd seen on Ryan before. His mom had noticed too by the look on her face.

Sandy had had enough. The guilt of last night had been justified by the look of Ryan. He wasn't going to let Ryan feel like this with him being the cause.

"Seth, can you give us a moment please?"

Seth picked up his bowl and retreated. He gave a smile to Ryan.

"Hey I forgot that Summer and Luke are coming over later to see you."

Seth made his way upstairs, yeah like that was going to help, but he hoped that would give Ryan something else to focus on, it looked like his parents meant business.

"Look Ryan I'm sorry about last night. I didn't mean to upset you kid, you know that right?"

Ryan still stared at his juice. Sandy sighed inwardly. Kirsten took over.

"We think that it would help if you talked to someone outside the family, O.K? We've managed to get you an appointment for today."

Kirsten might well have been talking to a statue for all the good it appeared to be doing.

"O.K Sweetie?"

Ryan nodded slowly.

"It's not a punishment kid, we're worried about you."

Sandy leant over and moved the juice.

"Can you look at us so we know that you are still awake?"

He tried to make it sound like a joke.

Ryan looked up. The blank expression was back.

"I'll go if you want me to."

Sandy had expected more of a fight. He looked at Kirsten.

Sandy got up and walked round the table.

"So we'll take you at 2pm."

He rested his hand on Ryan's shoulder. He saw Ryan shut his eyes and visibly flinch but a second later the mask was back.

Ryan got up and put his bowl in the sink.

"O.K, I'll be ready at two. I'm going to get dressed," and left Sandy staring at his retreating back.

Sandy rubbed his hand over his face, looking crushed.

"Kirsten, he can't even bear to be in the same room as me now. How did things get so bad?"

Ryan sat on his bed. He had just made a fool out of himself again. No wonder the Cohen's wanted to send him to a shrink, he was a fucking freak.

What the hell was wrong with him that he couldn't hold it together for twenty minutes, it was only a damn breakfast. It had never had a problem before. That was rule number one in Chino; never let the bastards know they had got to you. That had been his thing Trey had said, his ability to maintain a poker face no matter what.

Ryan retreated to the bathroom for another illicit smoke. As he let the nicotine calm his system he realised that what it came down to was Sandy had let him down. Sandy had been the only adult who he had ever really looked up to, and the realization that Sandy had feet of clay had shaken him.

TBC