Blame: John and Rodney

He paused outside Rodney's door, hand raised and ready to knock. He was sure that Rodney would have retreated here, especially if he had heard the rumours circulating the base. The problem was how would Rodney react to John's visit? He was quite likely to tell him to go away. After that, barging in regardless might well aggravate him to such a degree that any suggestion to talk would be rejected out of hand.

Rodney might complain about anything and everything under the sun, but when he was truly upset, he tended to hide himself away until he regained his equilibrium. He didn't like anyone to know how emotionally vulnerable he really was. Physically vulnerable, no problem. By now, the whole base knew, having heard endlessly, about his many and varied health concerns. He seemed to be able to trot out a new ailment on demand. Some medical reason why he absolutely had to be allowed to do exactly what he wanted to do. No one really took them seriously, not even Rodney. They were simply an entertaining distraction from whatever bona fide crisis they happened to be facing.

This was different. Rodney was genuinely desolate over the deaths of his friends. After all, they were the first of his science team to be lost. It was bound to affect him badly. And if he knew that certain factions were blaming him…well. John still found it hard to believe that anyone could think that Rodney could be in any way responsible for what had gone wrong. It was absurd.

But what if Rodney didn't think it was absurd. What if Rodney believed it? John had done nothing to reassure him, had actively avoided speaking with him. He had done so because he was consumed with his own guilt, consequently completely missing the significance of Rodney's withdrawal. It was long past time to correct that oversight.

Which brought him to where he was now, standing outside Rodney's door, too scared of rejection to knock. Maybe he should just go on in. Rodney would probably be angry, but John was sure he could talk him around. At least, he could if he got the opportunity to talk, which he might not, if he was stuck out in the hallway conversing with the door.

Oh well, he had always abided by the rule that it was easier to apologise that to ask permission, so why change now? Using his security override, he opened the door and strode into the room, only to stop short at the sight of Teyla, standing at Rodney's bedside and clutching his hand. This was unexpected.

"Teyla, wasn't expecting to find you here."

"Major, I trust you are well."

"Sure, I'm fine. Apart from the stabbing pains in my arm, the aching muscles and shortness of breath, you know how it is."

As serene as ever, Teyla dipped her head with a smile. "I am glad you are recovered." Turning to Rodney, she gave his hand a final warm squeeze. "Did I not tell you that the Major would come?"

Rodney returned the gesture before releasing her. "You did Teyla, and again, thank-you. You've been a good friend."

"Hey, wait, you told him I'd be here? How could you know that?"

"Where else would you be, Major?"

"Well, when you put it like that."

"And now that you are here, it is time for me to leave. I am sure that you and Doctor McKay have much to discuss."

Still smiling she left, the door whispering shut behind her. John watched her go, and then turned his eyes back to the bed, and to Rodney. He cleared his throat nervously as he realised that now that they were alone he was actually going to have to have that talk.

"So, Rodney."

"Major."

"Rodney, you and Teyla, looking kinda cosy there. Anything I should know about?"

"Excuse me?" Rodney stared at him in surprise. That was not the question he had been expecting.

John stared back, somewhat surprised himself, since that was also not the question he had intended to ask. For some reason, though, it was the one he wanted the answer to. "Well, you know, as your C.O., if there's anything between you and Teyla that could affect the team, then I should know about it. So…uh…is there…anything?"

"Are you serious? Me and Teyla?"

"Is that a yes?"

"What? No, of course not. She was here because she thought I might need a friend, and because she's a warm, compassionate and kind-hearted person. Actually, I guess I should be flattered that anyone could believe that Teyla would be interested in me in that way."

"Why wouldn't she be interested in you?"

"Because I'm me. Women like that are never interested in men like me. So don't worry, Major, I'm not trespassing on your territory. As if I ever could."

"My territory? Are you nuts? Rodney, do you think I'm interested in Teyla?"

"Well sure, everyone knows that."

"Then everyone's wrong. She's a friend, that's all. Why would you think I wanted Teyla?"

"Why? Oh, let me see, why don't we try: beautiful, principled, strong, honest, decent and good. Shall I go on or is that enough of a reason for you?"

John frowned. Rodney was right, of course. He really should be attracted to Teyla, who was all those things and more. But then, couldn't all of that apply equally to Rodney? Well, maybe not the beautiful, although he was awful cute when he got excited about some new piece of technology. The 'anxious bunny facing certain death look' was also strangely endearing. And he really did have a killer smile; at least, he did when he wasn't being smug. Sure, he could be a pain in the ass, but somehow that just added to his appeal. See, that was the thing with Rodney. He was as annoying as hell at first, but the more you talked with him, the more you got to like him.

"Major, you still with me?"

"Huh?"

"You spaced out for a minute there. What happened, get caught up thinking about Teyla's hotness?"

"Rodney, for the last time, I am not interested in Teyla. I agree that she's a wonderful woman, but there's something about her that kills any passionate impulse stone dead. Maybe it's because she reminds me of my mother. It's like any minute she's going to make me drink milk or wear clean underwear."

"Oh my god, Miss Bornstein."

"Say what?"

"That's it, that's who Teyla reminds me of; Miss Bornstein. She was my first grade homeroom teacher and I adored her. Actually, I think I even wanted to marry her. She was the first person who didn't make me feel like a freak for being smart. Even my parents used to look at me as though I was some sort of changeling, a weird cuckoo child left there by the nerd fairies while their real child was carried off to be a sporting star in Jockworld. She once told me that the only real crime was to squander our talents. Don't you think that that's just the sort of thing Teyla would say? I can't believe I never saw the similarity before."

"Are you saying you want to marry Teyla?"

"I don't believe that you just asked me that. Are you naturally this obtuse, or do you practice in front of a mirror?"

"But you said…"

"I said I wanted to marry Miss Bornstein when I was in the first grade. My criteria for lifetime commitments have changed considerably since then. It does, however, explain why I admire Teyla so much. Why are we talking about this anyway? You surely didn't come here to discuss my childhood crushes."

"No, no I didn't. I…uhm…" Startled, John realised that he had begun to enjoy their exchange, which wasn't at all how this meeting was supposed to go. What was it about Rodney that always got to him like this? Maybe, deep down, he had wanted to be distracted; this conversation was not going to be easy. He didn't even know where to start. "I don't know where to start."

"Why don't I help you Major. I failed to detect a wraith presence; I failed to save Brendan Gaul; I failed to kill the wraith; you want me off the team. Right?"

"What? No, of course not. Rodney, no, you didn't fail at anything. You were amazing, and you did everything you should have. I'm the one who got things wrong."

"You did not. It was my fault."

"Was not. I was in charge, ergo, I screwed up."

"But…but that's insane. How could you possibly blame yourself? You weren't even there when Brendan died."

"Which is kind of the point, isn't it."

"Major…"

"Look, Rodney, none of this was down to you, okay? I made the decision to enter the ship; I left Gaul and Abrahams unprotected; I yelled at you and completely disregarded your opinions; I left you alone with an injured colleague."

"But you made your choices based on my recommendations. How could you know there was a danger when I kept telling you there wasn't?"

"Because it was my job to know. For a start, I should have been better armed. I was supposed to be protecting you, and I didn't."

"You did the best you could."

"It wasn't good enough."

"At the time, it was all that was possible."

"I should have listened to you instead of shutting you up. Maybe your idea would have been better than mine."

"I didn't have an idea."

"Yes you did. Your idea was that we should stick together."

"That wasn't an idea, that was a panic attack."

"Still…"

"Besides, staying together wasn't an option with Brendan incapacitated and a wraith on the loose."

"I guess. All the same, I shouldn't have yelled at you."

"I shouldn't have argued with you."

"You always argue with me. I expect it now; it helps me focus."

"This really isn't getting us anywhere."

"No, not so much. Do you at least believe that it wasn't your fault?"

"I don't know. Maybe." Sighing, Rodney ran a hand through his hair, fixing a heartbreaking look of despair on John. "There's still Brendan, though. I don't know that I'll ever stop blaming myself for Brendan, whether it was my fault or not. He was so damn scared, and I did nothing to make him feel better. How could I not have realised that he was suicidal? I should have seen it. I should have stopped him."

"Rodney, would you have done what he did?"

"Never."

"Then there's your answer. Your mind just doesn't go there, so you assumed that his wouldn't either. It's human nature to believe that other people think the way that we do."

"Interesting insight. Who knew you could be so profound."

"Hey, that's me, Mister sensitive."

"Sure it is, Major."

Reaching out, John grasped Rodney's shoulder, shaking it slightly to make sure he had his full attention. "You know, I really do know how you feel. It's the same for me every time I lose a man. It's tough, but you have to deal with it. You can't let your regrets take you out of the game Rodney; we all need you to much for that. I need you to much."

"What could you possibly need me for?"

"Why don't we start with how you saved my life from a wraith today?"

"Ford saved your life, and mine too, when he killed that thing. I barely even slowed it down."

"You put yourself in the line of fire for me. All Ford did was fire a missile from space."

"But if he hadn't, we'd be dead. I could never have killed it."

"Rodney, a grenade at point blank range couldn't kill it, what chance did you have with a handgun. God, I don't have the words to tell you what I felt when I saw you standing there. I was so scared for you, but at the same time, so relieved that I wasn't alone any more. Mostly, I was incredibly proud of you for coming after me like that. I'll say it again, since you seem to have missed it the first time; you were amazing."

Shocked, Rodney shook his head in denial. "But I thought, I mean…afterwards, when you heard how Brendan died, you didn't want me near you, you couldn't even look at me. I assumed you blamed me. I thought…"

"I realise that now, and I am so, so sorry. I thought you blamed me for Gaul's death. After all, I'm the one who told you to give him the gun, and you were so obviously distressed that I just couldn't face you. It never occurred to me what interpretation you might put on my behaviour toward you, not until I was in the infirmary and actually started using my head. Can you forgive me for being such an idiot?"

"Why not, I always have in the past."

"Aha, snarky Rodney returns."

"This is how I am, Major, so you better get used to it, because I seriously doubt that I'll change now."

"I sure hope not, that's another of the things I need you for."

"You need me to pick a quarrel with you?"

"Absolutely. In fact, you're about the only one here I can argue with."

"And this is a good thing?"

"Oh come on, Rodney, don't tell me you don't enjoy the sniping too."

"I might, but then, I have a perverse and unreasonable nature."

John laughed, dropping onto the end of Rodney's bed in a lazy sprawl. "That I won't argue with. There's no-one who can bug me as much as you."

"How gratifying. It warms my heart to hear that I'm the most irritating man in Atlantis. And here I was thinking it was Kavanagh."

"Hell, he's a whole other kind of irritating. He's the kind of irritating that makes you want to chew off your own arms rather than listen to his griping, nauseating whiny-assed grievances. Fighting with him would be no fun at all."

"Major…"

"John."

"What?"

"Me, John. My name. We all have one, and I would really like it if you would use mine. Hardly anyone here ever does. I miss my name. It kinda sucks being the ranking military officer, 'cause everyone's always being…respectful. I'm not used to that."

"I imagine not."

"There, see, that's exactly what I mean. You show absolutely no consideration for my position whatsoever."

"Again, this is good?"

"Well, obviously not if everyone was like you, but I need at least one person who I can just be me with, and not Major Sheppard."

"What about Elizabeth?"

"Oh god no. She may call me John, but she needs me to be the Major more than anyone. It's the only way she can keep control. Besides, our relationship is inherently difficult."

"I don't see why."

"Think about it. Elizabeth is in command of Atlantis, but she can only hold that position as long as I back her up. I'm the ranking military officer, and that means that every soldier on base follows my orders."

"You sound like you're planning a coup."

"I wouldn't deliberately countermand her decisions, but we don't always agree on the right course of action. In a crisis, I would do what I believed was right, regardless of Elizabeth's wishes. It's just a matter of time before we clash over something. I'm not good at dealing with authority."

"Something of a quandary since you are the authority."

"Tell me about it. So, you're going to call me John now, right?"

"I suppose I can, since it means so much to you."

"Hey, if my best friend can't, who can?"

John grinned winningly at his newly designated 'best friend'. His good humour rapidly evaporated, turning to concern, as Rodney seemed incapable of drawing breath, his mouth opening and closing like a stunned mullet. "Rodney, are you okay. Come on buddy, you need to breathe, you're turning blue."

Drawing in a long shuddering gasp, Rodney stammered out his confusion. "But…but…but…"

"Could you please stop that? You sound like this crappy old lawnmower my Dad used to have."

"You said I was your best friend. I'm not your best friend. I can't be your best friend. I've never been anyone's best friend, except maybe my cat, and even with him I only barely beat out a squeaky blue mouse. I'm just not best friend material."

"I know. I thought I was going to dislike you intensely, but now it turns out that you're the one person I most want to spend time with. Go figure."

By this time, Rodney was up and pacing, muttering to himself while obsessively wringing his hands. John strained to hear what he was saying, but all he could make out was the occasional 'no', 'insane' and surprisingly 'donuts'.

Getting up, he placed himself squarely in Rodney's path, exasperated when Rodney simply turned and paced in the other direction. Reaching out, John grasped Rodney's shoulders, holding him still, dipping his head to talk directly into Rodney's face.

"Rodney, come on. Surely, this can't be that much of a surprise. Why do you think I always look for you first when we have down time?" John decided not to mention that he was by now reasonably certain that it wasn't only friendship that he looked for from Rodney. Maybe it was the throbbing vein at the temple that convinced him that Rodney would not be able to take any further revelations just yet.

"I don't know. I thought you were probably bored, and wanting someone to irritate. Are you sure that you like me?"

"Astonishingly yes, I do."

"But…but…but…"

"Lawnmower, Rodney."

Shaking his head in confusion, Rodney tried to twist away from the hands still holding him. Annoyed when they refused to release him, he crossed his arms in front of his body and began to pout. "

"Major…"

"John."

"Whatever."

"Rodney."

"Okay, okay. John, would you please let me go."

"I don't want to let you go."

"Well I do want you to let me go."

"Why should I let you go?"

"Because I want to pace and you're stopping me."

"Fine, pace."

John raised his hands in the air, stepping back as Rodney immediately resumed the pacing and muttering. He watched for a moment in exasperation before reclaiming the shoulders. "Rodney, please, just stop. I'm getting a neck strain from watching you, and I really can't take any more pain just now."

Rodney stopped, standing as far away from John as he physically could without breaking contact.

"Look, I've obviously upset you somehow, but I'm damned if I know how. Is it so terrible being my friend?"

Sighing, Rodney leaned a little closer, but still refused to raise his head and meet John's eyes.

"C'mon Rodney, this isn't like you. Couldn't you insult me, at least a little?"

"I'm not used to this friend stuff. First, it's Teyla saying she cares about me, and now you. I don't know how to deal with it."

"Look, nothing's really going to change. You'll bitch and moan and be your usual rude, sarcastic and obnoxious self. Teyla will smile and be polite and nice, Ford will be confused and I'll bitch back. And maybe every now and then we can hang out and talk."

"Major…John, you and I have absolutely nothing in common. What on Earth would we talk about?"

"We're not on Earth."

"And that makes a difference?"

"None whatsoever, but didn't it sound cool?"

That got a laugh, and finally a direct look. John stared into Rodney's eyes, stunned by the uncertainty and hope he saw there. Rodney wasn't kidding. He really didn't have any idea how to deal with the fact that he was wanted. Apparently, not being on Earth made a difference after all.

Maybe for the first time in his life, Rodney had let down the walls, allowing himself to care. Why was he so surprised that he would be liked in return? Did he really not know what a fascinating and intriguing man he was? Yet, had they not been trapped in another galaxy, John might never have taken the time to get to know a man so different from anyone he had ever met before, and that would have been his loss. Rodney was a difficult and complex enigma, but ultimately, he was worth every aggravating moment spent figuring him out. Now all John had to do was convince Rodney of that.

Letting his hands stroke downwards to grip Rodney's biceps lightly, he tried to convey wordlessly all of his own deep affection for his friend. Rodney's eyes widened as they continued to gaze at each other and John wondered nervously if he had, perhaps, revealed more than he had intended. He was sure now that his feelings for Rodney far surpassed simple friendship, but he was still undecided on how to deal with those feelings.

Yet another disadvantage of being ranking military officer. No way was he going to be able to indulge in a relationship with anyone, let alone Atlantis' lead scientist, without consequences. Pegasus galaxy or not, 'Don't ask, Don't tell' couldn't be ignored. Sooner or later, they were likely to either go home or make contact with Earth, and then what? He could hardly expect the whole base to lie for him, and as for Rodney, discretion wasn't a word that instantly sprang to mind.

Of course, he didn't even know if Rodney returned his feelings, although he rather suspected that he did, and even if he didn't John was confident in his powers of persuasion. Which brought him back to whether or not he had the right to try to persuade Rodney into anything when he wasn't certain what kind of commitment he could make.

It was Rodney's breath ghosting across his cheek that snapped him back to reality. He realised with a start how far they had leaned toward each other, close enough now to kiss. Rodney's eyes began to close, his lips slightly parted. At that moment, more than anything, John wanted to take what was offered, but instead he pulled away. Regretfully he released Rodney who swayed toward him, blinking in stunned confusion.

Much as he might want to grab hold of Rodney and never let go, he wasn't going to. For once in his life, he needed to think before he acted. He wasn't prepared to risk hurting Rodney by being impulsive. Rodney was too important to him for that. For now at least, he needed to concentrate on being the best friend he could. There was no prospect of leaving Atlantis in the near future, time enough to explore anything that might develop between them.

"John?"

Looking uncertain, Rodney reached out to lay his hand against John's chest, fingers lightly caressing.

"Rodney…"

Suddenly aware of what he was doing, Rodney gasped, barriers dropping into place, his fists clenching in distress as he backed away.

"Major, I didn't mean…I…look, I…"

"What happened to John?"

"What?"

"Just now you called me John, now it's back to Major again. I thought we had at least agreed that we were friends."

"I don't recall agreeing to anything. In fact, I distinctly remember you telling me I sounded like a broken down motor and that I bugged you more than anyone you've ever known before."

He didn't add 'so there', but John heard it clearly all the same. Well, it looked like Rodney's sarcasm was back, always a good sign with him. John grinned at him, pleased that he had been right in provoking Rodney, satisfied that Rodney was now beginning to pull himself together.

"Of course you bug me. You're aggravating, egotistical, obsessive, sarcastic and irritating."

"And yet I'm you're best friend."

"You're also brilliant, inspired, courageous and loyal with a wicked sense of humour. So yes, you're my best friend."

Looking away with a wistful smile, Rodney sighed. "You didn't let me drive us home. You said you would but you didn't."

Suddenly serious, John could see how important this was to Rodney. For once, a joke wasn't going to cut it. Rodney needed to know, without a doubt, that he was trusted. "You're right; I should have let you fly."

"I thought it was because you were disappointed with me, but now you say…"

"Rodney, no, I absolutely wasn't. I was disappointed with me and I kinda switched to automatic pilot mode. I just never considered how you would take it. I was stupid and thoughtless and I'm sorry. Apart from anything else, it was agony on my ribs and arm. Beckett gave me hell for putting so much strain on my injuries." John tried to look pathetic, hoping for the sympathy vote.

"And you can lose the wounded hero look. You'll get no sympathy from me."

Damn. "Why don't we do it now?"

Rodney eyed him warily. "Do 'it'?"

"Fly. I could give you a flying lesson. Now. If you want to, that is."

"A flying lesson."

"Right. We could go to the mainland maybe."

"What for?"

"I don't know. We could pick fruit."

"Did that wraith drop you on your head? Pick fruit? That is truly bizarre."

"Why, what's wrong with fruit. I like fruit. Don't you like fruit?"

"I have a …"

"Citrus allergy. I know. We can avoid anything…citrusy."

"This is an alien planet, Major. How would we…"

"John."

"As I was saying, John, this is an alien planet. How would we know what has citrus, unless you were thinking of bringing along testing equipment. Of course, then we'd need to take Carson too. I can do a great number of things admirably, but food product analysis isn't one of them."

"Okay, fine, we'll bypass the fruit; pick flowers instead, unless you have some kind of deep seated antipathy toward flowers too."

"Hay fever."

"Rodney, I know for a fact that you do not have hay fever."

"I may be developing it. I was sneezing for hours after the party Simpson and Brewer threw for Lena Sedgwick. I put it down to the rather excessive flower baskets crammed into every orifice."

"Everyone was sneezing after that. You know perfectly well that Beckett traced it back to the spores from that big pink cactus thing McRaney gave her as a birthday gift."

"So, sneezing caused by plant pollen, ergo, hay fever."

"Spores from one particular, abnormally virulent type of plant, ergo, a fluke. So how about it, want to come flying with me?"

"I'm hungry."

"Huh?" John supposed that he really shouldn't be surprised by the non-sequitur. This was Rodney, after all.

"I'm hungry. Do you have any idea how long it is since I ate?"

"None whatsoever. Why don't we take a picnic?"

Shocked, Rodney stared at him open mouthed, his diatribe against those who didn't fully appreciate his dietary requirements strangled at birth. Eyes narrowing suspiciously, he tried to determine whether he was being mocked. Deciding that food really might be on the cards, he fixed a calculating look on John.

"With MRE's?"

"If that's what you want, although I don't know how you can like that pre-packaged junk."

"You might if you had ever tasted my mother's cooking."

"Bad?"

"The kids at school used to borrow my blueberry lunch muffin for baseball practice."

"That sucks."

"Funny you should say that since that is exactly what we had to do with her meatballs. Splitting the atom would have been easier that cutting up one of those babies. We had the only dog in the neighbourhood who would run and hide at mealtimes. On the upside, my dressmaking skills are excellent due to the fact that the only way I could be out of the house on Friday nights was by joining the school needlework group."

"And you needed to be out of the house on Friday because?"

"Because that was the night my Mother served up leftovers. Most disturbing was the fact that none of the leftovers even remotely resembled anything we'd had all week, leaving one to wonder what and where they were left over from."

"You're kidding, right?"

"Barely even exaggerating. My sister and I always made sure we went to the table wearing something with big enough pockets to conceal the most unpalatable disasters, which we would then bury in the back yard. We ruled out flushing stuff after a debacle involving some dumplings and a sewage backup of biblical proportions."

Weak with laughter, John collapsed back onto the bed, tears streaming from his eyes. He knew he probably shouldn't be quite so consumed with glee, and it almost certainly hadn't been as funny as Rodney made it sound, but my god, it could only happen to Rodney. No wonder the poor guy pounced on anything edible that passed within his culinary sphere.

Reaching out a hand, he looked up to where Rodney stood, considering him with an ironic smirk. "Hey, help me up."

Rodney hesitated a moment before taking the hand and yanking him to his feet. He let go immediately, but John was pleased to see that he didn't back away, but rather allowed John to share his personal space.

"So, how about it, Rodney, want to go put together that picnic before you faint from hunger?"

"Faint is an entirely inappropriate term for a symptom caused by a recognised medical condition from which I am unlucky enough to suffer. I fail to see why my hypoglycaemia should be a constant source of amusement to you and the rest of Atlantis. The fact that…"

"You're absolutely right and I apologise unreservedly for my insulting and insensitive remarks. I promise to be more considerate of your feelings in the future."

More than a little sceptical, Rodney none the less allowed himself to be mollified. "Okay, as long as it's understood that I only ever pass out, and even that, only because I get so wrapped up in saving Atlantis from the constant threats we face that I neglect my own health."

"Absolutely. You totally should take better care of yourself. You're a martyr to your work, Rodney. An example to us all."

Surprised, John realised that although he was teasing, he meant what he had said. Rodney could be self-absorbed, but when the chips were down, he was tireless in his efforts to protect his friends. He groused about it non-stop, but he always got the job done.

"Come on then, Rodney, lets go feed you before you pass out from hunger."

Throwing an arm around his shoulders, John guided a still grumbling Rodney out into the hallway. He may not be sure yet how far he was willing to take his relationship with Rodney, but in the meantime, Rodney needed to be taken care of, and he intended to be the one doing the caring. All the rest could be thought about later.

The End