Chapter 19

"Lost and Found"

"Ye call THIS better?"

Shrek did his best to ignore Cerul's barbs as he surveyed what little of his subterranean surroundings could be seen by the light of the torches, their flames flickering uncertainly in the drafty cave mouth. The tunnel looked about like he'd imagined -- choked with debris and still-settling dust, the splintered stone beneath his feet the result of collapsing ceiling and shifting floor alike.

Shrek was no spelunker (though he'd racked up his fair share of experience underground in the past few days), but he had a sinking feeling that a catastrophic cave-in wasn't far off -- and his little band had best be far away when that time came. He headed off down the tunnel, the others close behind.

"Whew!" Donkey gasped as he gawked at the damage. "I'll say this for ya, Shrek -- when you make a mess, you don't mess around!"

Shrek sighed, too exhausted even to offer a decent argument. "Well, ye know, Donkey," he growled, not bothering to turn around as he trudged along, "I had a little help…"

Donkey snorted, shaking his head disapprovingly. "Hey, now, don't go blamin' Fiona for this -- she's had a hard enough time the last couple days!" he scolded.

Shrek's jaw dropped at the accusation, but the bemused grin on his wife's face told him the misunderstanding was the animal's alone. "Besides," Donkey continued, "only reason she's even here is 'cause she was out chasin' YOUR big green butt! Y'know, if it wasn't for you, we'd all be back--"

"Home," Shrek sighed. "I know."

Donkey nodded, a little taken aback by Shrek's admission. "Yeah, well ... I hope you've learned your lesson, is all I'm sayin'"

"Oh, aye -- I've learned m'lesson," Shrek grumbled, mouthing the words with exaggerated enunciation. "I promise I'll never sneak out o' the house in the middle o' the night to track down shady-looking ogre acquaintances who mysteriously show up on my doorstep ever again? Happy?"

Donkey paused, turning over the wordy and overly specific oath in his head. "Uh ... yeah, sure. Sounds good."

Shrek smirked. "Great," he answered. "Now that we've got THAT settled, how 'bout doin' me a favor?"

"Hey, sure thing, pal -- name it."

"Be-

Shrek stifled a yelp of pain as he stubbed his toe on something half-buried in the rubble, leather boot offering little in the way of protection for his already aching foot. Reaching down, the ogre pulled a dusty wooden plank from the jumble of rocks strewn across the cave floor.

"Be?" Donkey asked in confusion, oblivious to both Shrek's mishap and his discovery. "That's deep, man. That's like 'If Humpty Dumpty takes a great fall an' nobody's around to hear it, does he make a sound?' deep. Or, 'What's the sound o' one hoof clappin'?' deep. Besides, I AM bein'! Ya know what they say, 'I think, therefore I am.' So that means I am. At least, I THINK I am ... Man, that's a tough one! Makin' my head hurt just thinking about it. An' if I'm thinking, that means ... uh ..."

"Donkey!"

Shrek's furry companion ceased his philosophical ponderings and looked up at the ogre. "Yeah?"

"Be quiet."

"But you said--"

"I was TRYIN' to say--"

"But you SAID--"

"BE QUI-" Shrek started to yell, but caught himself as he remembered his previous temper tantrum, the consequences of which lay all around them. "Be quiet!" he hissed, holding up the relic he'd found amongst the rubble. Written across the familiar-looking wooden sign were the words 'Quiet -- Falling Rocks.'

"Quiet," Shrek repeated, holding the torch dangerously close to the combustible sign, illuminating the words for good measure. "Think ye can manage that?"

"If you ask me -- not that anybody has, mind you --I think EVERYBODY could stand to turn it down a notch."

Ogre and steed screeched to a halt at the previously silent Fiona's suggestion, but the princess didn't miss a beat as she continued down the passageway. When she had a good 20-yard lead on both, she turned to face the still stunned pair. "Come on, guys -- less talking, more walking," she scolded, gesturing toward the distant tunnel exit. "If we're going to rehash these same old arguments over and over" -- she drew a dramatic breath -- "... and over ... and over ... I'd at least like to do it in the comfort of my own home, instead of in some dark, dreary cave that's probably going to come crashing down on us at any second. But that's just this princess' opinion."

With that, she resumed her march down the tunnel, leaving Shrek and Donkey wordless in her wake.

Shrek was finally shaken from his stupor by a slap on the back as Cerul slipped past him. "Hate to say it, bro," the wizard chuckled as he passed, "but that princess o' yours has a point. Last thing we need is a cave-in."

Shrek didn't answer, barely noticing as Donkey fell in step behind the wannabe wizard. His eyes fixed squarely on the worn wooden sign still in his hands, Cerul's words echoing in his ears. The wheels in his head began to turn, a plan forming ...

"Actually, Cer," Shrek said quietly, more to himself than to his brother well out of earshot, "a cave-in might be EXACTLY what we need…"

He dropped the sign and ran to rejoin his companions at the end of the corridor, which opened into a much larger (and, Shrek hoped, much sturdier) chamber, the stone bridge he, Fiona and Donkey had crossed on their previous visit just visible in the distance.

"Cover yer ears!" the ogre gasped as he reached the others, out of breath from his sprint through the tunnel. Fiona stared at him in confusion but complied, throwing her hands over her mundanium-shrunken ears. Taking his cue from the ex-ogress, Donkey folded his ears over themselves as tightly as he could manage, and even the contrary Cerul pulled his wizard's cap tight over his trumpet-shaped extremities.

Satisfied that proper precautions had been taken, Shrek turned back toward the tunnel and took a deep breath. His chest swelled, the leather of his vest creaking as it stretched to the breaking point—

"RRRAAAAAAHHHHHHH!"

Shrek's terrible ogre roar echoed through the caverns, booming from the stone walls and calling back at him from every direction. Overhead, a swooping, screeching storm cloud of bats, rudely awakened from their slumbers, swarmed toward some unseen exit far overhead, doing their best to escape the noise -- and the destruction such outbursts inevitably brought with them.

Sure enough, a low rumble shook the cave. Within the tunnel, a few pebbles dropped from the ceiling ... then bigger, fist-sized rocks that clattered and bounced down the passageway ... then massive boulders which hit the floor with the ear-splitting crack of stone on stone ... and finally, the entire ceiling began to splinter and shift, tons of stone suddenly free-falling through the earth, swallowing up the tunnel and everything inside it.

Shrek was knocked off his feet by the rush of air suddenly displaced by the falling rocks, the force of the blast sending the ogre tumbling end over end in a thick, gritty haze that rivaled the bat-cloud still streaming overhead.

Blinded by the dust and half-deafened by the din of the cave-in, Shrek struggled to find his way back to his horror-stricken companions.

Fiona rushed to hold him, just glad to see he was alive and in one piece -- then shoved him away, blue eyes flashing.

"Have you gone INSANE, Shrek!" she shrieked. "You could have been killed! We ALL could've been killed! I could have been killed!"

Shrek shrugged, rubbing the back of his bald head self-consciously. "Hey, at least we know we won't be followed!" he offered with a sheepish grin.

Fiona frowned. "Well, could you at least WARN a girl next time?" she asked. "As if my nerves weren't frazzled enough…"

"Yeah, nice one," Cerul sniffed. "Just in case anybody didn't already know we were here…"

"Anybody? WHO, anybody?" Shrek asked mockingly. "Who's down here t'know? Spiders and mushrooms and bats, oh my!"

With that, Shrek stomped off toward the bridge ahead, throwing an arm around the waist of the still fuming Fiona. "C'mon, Donkey!" he barked, and together the three set off, leaving Cerul to his thoughts.

The wizard scanned his surroundings suspiciously, struggling to pierce the shadows that seemed to lurk in every nook and cranny. "Always think ye're so smart…" Cerul grumbled as he took one last look around, staring hard into a particularly deep shadow in one corner of the chamber. Finding nothing, the sorcerer shook his head with disgust and hurried after his brother and friends as they set out again for an end to their long and arduous journey.

Had Cerul looked a little longer, a little closer, he might have just caught the glint of cunning in the wide pinkish eyes staring back at him from the shadows that had held his attention. Below the pale orbs, a wide grin of tiny, wickedly sharp teeth shone from the darkness; from it, a high-pitched giggle echoed Shrek's mocking words:

"Spiders and mushrooms and bats, oh my…"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

"Oh, no…"

"We are NOT lost!" Shrek reassured Fiona. Truth be told, he WAS, just maybe, a little bit lost -- not, 'I have no idea where I am' lost, but more 'Do we take a left or a right at the giant glowing toadstool?' lost. Of course, it didn't help that this giant glowing toadstool looked just like the other thousands of giant glowing mushrooms towering overhead, nor did it help that their dazzling light and sheer scenery-swallowing numbers made it all but impossible to find any other landmarks to guide one's way through the fungal forest.

Despite his claims to the contrary, Shrek's hesitance was obvious -- which didn't do much for Fiona's confidence.

"Not again…" she moaned, burying her head in her hands and forcing herself to take a deep breath. "PLEASE tell me this isn't happening again…"

Shrek looked offended. "This ISN'T happening again!" the ogre protested. "I know where I'm goin'!"

"Really?" Fiona asked. "So which way is it?"

Shrek looked around and scratched his chin thoughtfully. "Lessee…" he mumbled to himself. "I think we ... no, wait ... maybe it's…"

"You have no idea -- DO you?"

"Hey!" Shrek yelped. "I got us this far, didn't I? We've crossed the bridge over the bottomless pit, right?"

"Right…"

"And we made it through the bat cave, right?"

"Well, there WEREN'T any bats -- you saw to THAT with your little stunt earlier."

Shrek scowled, annoyed. "But we DID go through it, bats or no bats. And now we're in the mushroom forest -- bridge, bats, mushrooms. Last time, it went 'shrooms, bats, bridge. So obviously," he wrapped up his defense, "we're on the right track. I just ... need t'get my bearings, is all…"

Fiona's eyebrows arched in disbelief. "Get your bearings?" she asked incredulously. "In other words, figure out where we are. In other words -- LOST."

"FINE!" Shrek roared, throwing his hands into the air in frustration. "We're lost. Happy?"

"Not really…" Fiona grumbled.

"Look, ye don't want me leadin' the way, that's fine by me! But if I don't, who will?"

Forgotten in the heat of the moment, a smirking Cerul raised a hand -- and dropped it quickly as husband and wife both spun to glare at him.

"STAY OUT OF THIS!"

Cerul's shock at the stereo scolding faded to a simmering indignation as ogre and princess returned to their argument, leaving the wizard to sulk in silence.

Cerul was still steaming when he felt a nudge at his elbow. He looked down to find Donkey -- looking bored by the entire spectacle -- staring back at him. The animal nodded for the ogre to follow him. With one last look back at the bickering couple, Cerul followed Donkey through the toadstool maze, in search of shelter from the storm of words brewing.

"They always bicker like this?" the azure ogre asked as soon as they were out of earshot. Donkey rolled his eyes. "This is nothin'," he confided. "Just wait 'til they REALLY get goin'…"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - -

They weren't getting anywhere -- literally or figuratively -- and that was beginning to wear on Shrek and Fiona's nerves. The squabbling spouses agreed that it was imperative they get home in a hurry, before the landslide-stymied hordes of invading ogres found an alternative route to Duloc, and Shrek's sleepy swamp in the process.

But that was about the only thing they agreed on. Fiona wanted to get home -- NOW -- and she wasn't completely convinced Shrek knew how to get them there, at least not without a lot of trial-and-error backtracking; the ogre was adamant, however, that he had the little band of fugitives well on their way.

"We'll be there in no time," Shrek assured his doubting wife. "Trust me."

"I DO trust you," Fiona sighed, as tired of their arguing as she was of dark caves and drafty tunnels and the threat of ogre armies hot on their well-traveled heels. "And I don't doubt that you THINK you know where you're going…"

"But?"

"BUT…" Fiona confessed, "We've been down here for … I don't KNOW how long, and -- well, I'm not entirely sure we're really any closer to home than we were when we started."

Fiona braced for another outburst from her argumentative husband, but Shrek just plopped down on one of the shorter toadstools, kicking up a cloud of iridescent spores in the process, and gestured for Fiona to join him. He liked a good fight as much as any ogre, if not more, but even he had to admit that this tiff wasn't doing him or Fiona -- or Donkey and Cerul, wherever THEY were hiding -- any good. "What do you suggest, then?" he asked as his wife took a seat next to him. "Find the closest cave directory an' look for the big arrow that says 'You Are Here'?"

THUNK!

A primitive, stone-tipped arrow imbedded itself in the ground just inches from the lovers' feet, shaft humming from the force of the weapon's impact. Ogre and princess jumped to their feet, worries of getting home momentarily forgotten in the face of more immediate concerns -- like who was shooting at them, and why.

The answer to 'who,' at least, wasn't long in coming.

"Hob?"

The head that peeked over the crown of a nearby toadstool certainly bore an uncanny resemblance to Slobberknob's crusty custodian -- same squinty pink eyes, same outsized ears, same squashed snub nose. But the creature scuttling its way across the glowing fungus canopy was definitely NOT Hob. It looked wilder, scruffier, and the patchwork of rags and furs that hung from its scrawny physique were a far cry from the gremlin's soiled but sturdy work clothes.

"Goblin…" Shrek whispered to Fiona, as if knowing what to call the thing made it somehow less of a threat.

Fiona rolled her eyes. "Oh, you think?" she hissed sarcastically. "I KNOW it's a goblin, Shrek! What does it WANT?"

"I don't know," Shrek huffed as he stooped to pick up something from the cave floor, "and frankly, m'dear, I don't give a-Oof!"

He sent the rock he'd grabbed whistling through the air between him and the goblin. The projectile struck just short of the creature's perch with a thud and clattered to the ground, leaving a dent in the toadstool as proof of the stone's flight.

"Hey, you!" Shrek bellowed. "Get lost!"

The goblin looked down at the spot where the stone had struck, then back to the ogre. "LOST!" it shrieked back at him, the cry reverberating from the depths of the cavern.

"Oh, for…" Shrek grumbled. "For the last time, I am not-"

"LOST!"

Somewhere close -- far too close for Shrek and Fiona's liking -- another cry pierced the air.

"LOST!"

Another, even closer.

"LOST!"

And another.

"LOST!"

And another.

"LOST!"

And another, until Shrek and Fiona were forced to shield their ears to keep from being deafened by the cacophony of them all, voice after tiny voice calling out from seemingly every rock, every mushroom, every shadow—

And then, just as suddenly, all was silent.

Shrek and Fiona looked around, unsure what to expect. "Well, at least it's quiet…" Shrek whispered as his eyes scanned the cavern for signs of more goblins.

"Yeah," Fiona agreed grimly. "Maybe TOO quiet."

Shrek chuckled under his breath. "Funny, I was just gonna say the same thAAAH!"

The ogre screamed, shaking his right leg frantically. At the end of it hung another goblin, jaws clamped tight around Shrek's calf. As if on cue, dozens more of the ravenous little creatures suddenly descended on the couple, more than one toting tiny spears like the "arrow" that had landed at the couple's feet a few moments earlier.

Quickly sizing Shrek up as literally the bigger threat, the bulk of the beasts pounced on the ogre, his hulking frame sagging under the weight of a dozen or more biting, clawing assailants. "Ow! Hey, watch it! What are ye -- OUCH! Why, you little--" he growled and griped as he struggled to slough his attackers, to little avail. With too many tiny hands in his face and his attention elsewhere, Shrek failed to notice one of the goblins crouch behind him -- until the back of his heel caught the creature, sending the outraged ogre tumbling backward.

"That's IT!" he bellowed as he scrambled to his hands and knees. He shook himself like a huge (and VERY irritated) dog, sending goblins flying in every direction. He labored to his feet, took an unsteady step forward -- and winced. He glared down at the determined goblin still gnawing furiously on his leg. "Hey -- I'm NOT a drumstick!" he roared. "So get OFF!"

His foot snapped forward in the most potent kick he could manage under the circumstances. The goblin went sailing across the clearing, a piece of Shrek's leggings still in its teeth, landing with a thud and a yelp of annoyance against a faraway toadstool.

Shrek snorted with satisfaction, then turned again to find his wife. "Fiona?"

"I'm over here!"

Shrek glanced over his shoulder. The goblins had finally noticed the princess, but she looked to Shrek to be handling herself pretty well -- especially for someone recently de-ogred. She was holding the miniature mob at bay with a flurry of kicks and karate chops, keeping all but the most aggressive of her assailants at bay.

"Fiona!"

Shrek began to wade through the knee-high crowd, the goblins' numbers threatening to sweep his feet out from underneath him. Overhead, more were scrambling for the high ground. Using the taller toadstools as launch pads, they leapt over their grounded brethren for an aerial assault.

"Hi-YA!" Fiona barked as she knocked one high-flying attacker from the air.

"Ha!" She managed to get a leg up just in time to punt another one away.

"Hee-yah!" She let loose with a wild right cross, bashing an incoming goblin square in the nose—

"Ow!"

and winced as a familiar pain shot up her hand. She'd forgotten about her earlier run-in with Odius' hard-headed guards. The hand wasn't broken -- of that she was pretty certain -- but it was definitely tender, and beating on goblins with it wasn't helping along the healing process much.

"Not good, Fi," she muttered to herself, shaking the hand. "Not good at -- EEP!"

She ducked as another goblin came sailing through the air, just missing the distracted princess—

"Aargh!"

and instead hit Shrek full force in the face. It latched on to the ogre's head, wrapping its clawed hands around the handlebar-like ears conveniently jutting from his head.

"Get off o' me!" Shrek growled, voice muffled by the goblin clinging stubbornly to his face. He batted blindly at the little monster, trying to dislodge it but doing more damage to himself. Finally, one huge hand clamped over the goblin's head. Shrek peeled the beast from his face and held it at arm's length, cocking his fist for the knockout blow. He swung -- and nearly wrenched his arm out of socket as the swing was halted well short of its target.

He turned to find a thin but sturdy-looking leather rope wrapped around his wrist, a half-dozen goblins anchoring it at its far end. With a snarl, he jerked his arm forward, snapping the rope and sending the goblins flying -- but dropping their comrade in the struggle.

He lunged forward in a desperate attempt to catch his escaping quarry but managed only to fall on his face, nose hitting the stone floor painfully. Head spinning and eyesight blurry, he looked down to find more goblin ropes wrapped around his legs. He tried to kick, to wriggle free of the bonds, but the ropes held tight.

And before he could figure another way out of the predicament, the goblins were on him.

"SHREK!"

Fiona saw Shrek go down, watched her husband disappear beneath a swarm of cackling, clawing goblins. She began to wade her way through the throng of attackers, fighting for each step toward her imperiled spouse. Finally breaking free, she began to sprint toward him, high-stepping her way through the maze of goblin ropes now criss-crossing the clearing. But there were just too many. She felt her foot catch on one of the tripwires. She stumbled, hit another. Her feet slipped out from under her, sending the princess sprawling. She tried to get up, but she could feel the ropes tightening. She was stuck. She was in serious trouble. She needed—

"HELP!"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - -

"Hey, you hear something?"

Cerul sat up from his resting spot atop one of the stray boulders littering the cave. "Considerin' we came out this far just so we WOULDN'T hear 'em?" he grumbled, "Nope. Didn't hear a thing."

Donkey chuckled. "They WERE gettin' a little out of hand, weren't they?"

"A little?"

"Yeah, well, that was NOTHIN'!"

"So you said," Cerul nodded.

"An' if you think the fightin' is bad, you should stick around for the makin' up!"

"No thanks!" Cerul shuddered. "I'd rather not think about m'brother an' that…that…HUMAN…"

Donkey studied the magician with a scowl. "What's your problem, man?" he asked pointedly. "Ever since we found you, it's been nothin' but whinin' and moanin'. I mean, it's not like we broke you outta jail or anything!"

Cerul shook his head dismissively "Ye wouldn't understand…" he grunted, shifting his weight to turn away from Donkey.

But Donkey wasn't giving up THAT easily.

"Why not?" he pestered the wizard. "Why wouldn't I understand, smart guy? Ya think I'm some kinda dumb as-"

"I get it," Cerul groaned, throwing up a hand to stop him in mid-pun. "I just don't feel like talking about it, OK? Besides, it's … complicated…"

Donkey rolled his eyes. "Complicated?" he asked with a sneer. "So Shrek can be a big green jerk sometimes -- what's so complicated about THAT?"

"Well-" Cerul started to answer, but Donkey was on a roll and not about to let this train of thought get derailed.

"What I don't get," the animal continued, "is how come you're so hard on FIONA all the time? It's not like the princess ever did nothin' to you!"

"Yeah?" Cerul snapped. "Well -- she might as well have!"

It wasn't exactly the response Donkey had been expecting. "How you figure that?"

"I…" Cerul struggled for the words. "Have you SEEN her?"

Donkey tossed his head impatiently. "Yeah, yeah, yeah -- she's human. I GET it! But what's that got to do with you?"

Cerul paused, as if he'd wanted to say something, but thought the better of it. But Donkey wasn't letting the topic go so easily.

"What?"

Cerul scowled. "Nothin'"

Donkey wasn't buying it. "Oh, no! Don't you 'nothin'' me! I been around your brother long enough to know a secret when I don't hear one. So make with the story time!"

Cerul sighed. "Ye want a story?"

Donkey nodded enthusiastically.

"Fine, then," the would-be wizard huffed. "My story started … well, once upon a time…"