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Come Undone

Chapter 19

"So Ryan, you sure you're all set for school, 'cause if I were you I'd take Mom up on the offer to stay at home for a few more days buddy. Mom does not offer such a get out clause lightly."

Ryan opened the box of cereal and grabbed a handful.

"No man, I'm way behind already. Dr Kim is being cool at the moment but I'm not sure how much longer that will go on for."

"Are you sure 'cause you kind of look like shit."

Seth looked at Ryan with an inquiring gaze. He was dying to know what had happened yesterday with his parents but when he'd gone into the pool house he had found Ryan asleep. Then he'd gone out with Summer for the day, and when he had returned home he had found the pool house in darkness and Ryan once more in bed. Despite himself, he'd been mature and resisted the urge to cough loudly and wake him up. Instead he had crept out and shut the door silently behind him.

"So did you sleep ALL day yesterday 'cause I gotta say it doesn't look like it agreed with you?"

" I spent most of the day catching up with my work."

"Well all work and no play makes Ryan a very dull boy. You want to do something after school tonight, Summer and Luke want to stop by and check that you are O.K after the whole Grandpa punching incident. Luke's totally cool with you stealing his car by the way."

Ryan shot Seth a look.

"I didn't steal it, I borrowed it for a while! And I'm still behind on my work so it means we can't hang out until I catch up. Dr Kim will have my ass in a sling if I don't get it all done soon."

"Ryan, don't say the words Dr Kim and ass in the same sentence, that's not an image I want to carry around with me all day."

Ryan grabbed his bag; he was not looking forward to the day ahead. The work he had managed to get done was shoddy and slapdash but he felt that he had built up enough credits throughout the term to get away with it; his mind just wasn't on schoolwork.

He'd been called in to have his inevitable talk with Dr Kim after second period. For all her sympathy he knew that she barely tolerated him. Dr Kim's supercilious smile wasn't fooling him, if it weren't for the Cohens and their standing in the community he'd have been long gone. He couldn't leave her office quick enough and he had the feeling she thought the same.

Ryan spent the rest of the day with his head down, avoiding the looks of the other students. There was he thinking that no one gave a rat's ass about him anymore but apparently the Harbor jungle drums had been working overtime to explain his absence. He'd heard a few whispered conversations as he'd walked in the halls and people's avoidance of any form of eye contact with him spoke volumes; that he was still considered person non grata here.

One rumour he'd heard was that Luke had saved Holly from a fate worse than death at her party and that he had been arrested for molesting her… The fact that there were God knows how many witnesses to what had really gone on at the party obviously didn't come into play when it meant a nice juicy slur regarding the resident piece of Chino trash. It would have been funny had it not been for the fact that a couple of girls had refused to sit next to him in class. He had enough worries at the moment, without being painted as the local pervert added to the mix. He was pissed that Seth hadn't warned him about the ridiculous gossip that was circulating about him but then how do you casually drop into the conversation something like that? Ryan walked past a jock and was rewarded by an elbow in the ribs. He grabbed his side and ignored the laughter that followed him down the corridor. He really hated these rich kids. They were so shallow; they wouldn't last five minutes in the real world without their trust funds.

The closest thing to a crisis most of them had to deal with was choosing whether the Versace or the Klein would be considered coolest for the next formal. The sad thing was that Seth, Summer, Marissa and Luke were the same but to a lesser extent. O.K so they had all had a certain amount of teen drama to deal with but he didn't feel like he could ever connect with them over the shit that he was trying to deal with now, not that he'd ever talk to them about his past, but it brought home to him how far removed from them he was.

Recently he'd felt like a fish floundering outside of its pond, gasping for air. He desperately wanted someone to throw him back into the water. He had thought that Missy had been that person but it seemed that he'd been wrong. He'd learnt once again that you don't rely on anyone else, that way you won't be disappointed.

One thing was for sure, he was going to just try and blend in now…no more fuck ups. That was the key to getting back to any form of normality. He'd smile when it was expected of him, he'd laugh at Seth's jokes. He would tow the line with Sandy and Kirsten. Hell, he'd even apologise to Caleb. His poker face was back on. No more letting his guard down in front of them. No matter how he felt, to the outside world he'd be a kid without a care.

The next few days had been uneventful; the pool house became his refuge. He cited schoolwork as a means to be left alone. He ate with the Cohens, played just enough Play Station with Seth to keep him off his back, he listened to Seth's monologues on the perfection of Summer. All in all he felt that he had held it together very nicely. The only blips were the endless messages from Missy on his line. He ignored them. He didn't need her now. She had made herself clear and he didn't need another fickle female in his life complicating things. He'd be fine on his own.

He had had two further sessions with Dr Green. Ryan was resigned to the fact that he had to give the guy something; the Cohens would be hugely pissed at him if he jerked the guy around again. So he'd chosen the relatively safe topic of Dawn's drinking. Dr Green had made copious notes throughout the sessions and Ryan had had to stop himself from asking what the fuck he was writing about. He hated being analyzed, his thoughts were his own and he loathed the fact that this man was trying to enter his head. The other thing he seriously hated was the Cohens insisting that at least one of them would accompany him to the sessions. He knew that they were trying to show support but it made him more anxious that he was once again screwing up their lives by making them reorganize their days. At the end of his third session Ryan was confused as to why they were both called into the office by Dr Green. He'd played ball this time, he hadn't insulted him in any way. So why did they both look crushed when they left his office? He'd been doing all they had asked of him, how had he fucked up this time?

Ryan had stopped off at the restroom before they left. When he had gotten to the doors at the entrance to the office he paused… hand on the glass, watching. He watched as they paced. He saw by their postures that they were arguing. Sandy suddenly embraced Kirsten, rubbing her back. Sandy glanced over and spotted Ryan. They locked eyes for a second before Ryan pushed the door open and walked over. He got into the car, discreetly ignoring Kirsten's red eyes and the way Sandy was gripping the steering wheel. They had driven home in an awkward silence again.

The pool house was like an oven, so it was a perfect excuse to roll down the blinds and keep the door shut. No point in making the air con work overtime heating the outside air. Ryan sat on his bed with his books open, ready to snatch up if anyone approached.

He let his head fall back on the pillow and shut his eyes.

He swore that he'd only closed his eyes for a second but the next thing he knew Sandy was standing over him gently shaking his shoulder, waking him up.

"Hey kid, we need to talk to you."

Ryan caught a flash of an expression in Sandy that he couldn't read; it was the same one he'd seen earlier. He looked over at Kirsten who was nervously turning her wedding ring. He got up off the bed and sat on one of the chairs.

"I'm not going to treat you like a kid Ryan, 'cause you are the most perceptive person I know. You saw that we were a little uptight after leaving the therapist's office and that was nothing to do with anything you've done. It's just that we are trying to help you and it's difficult to know what to do."

Sandy looked over at Kirsten.

"Ryan….I know how you are going to react to this and we don't want you to be upset but we think it's for the best."

Ryan furrowed his brow and tried to work out what was going on here, what ever it was it was seriously freaking them both out.

Sandy took a chair and sat down in front of Ryan. He paused before he continued.

"Dr Green thinks you are suffering from depression, he…he has suggested a course of SSRI therapy."

Ryan gave a sarcastic laugh and shook his head.

"I should have seen this one coming…. why don't you just go the whole hog and just have me committed."

Ryan got up and walked over to the other side of the room.

"Ryan sweetie, there is nothing wrong in taking anti-depressants. Lots of people do and if they can help you why not take advantage? You haven't been yourself recently. No one wants you committed Ryan, you just need a little help," Kirsten tried to reason; they both knew this wouldn't be easy.

"I've been fine. I just need a bit of space sometimes and that doesn't mean I need Prozac…. Jesus, welcome to Newport where everything is solved by a pill."

"Ryan you have been far from fine and you know it. You hide away in here most of the time. Your schoolwork is atrocious; you've gone from a straight A student to one that's barely scraping a C. You avoid your friends at school and at home. You spend most of your time asleep. You're not thinking clearly right now judging by some of your decisions recently."

Crap, so he hadn't been doing such a good job after all. Ryan heart sank.

"I've just hit a wall regarding my work…it's just harder than I'm used to at the moment. And I'm not avoiding anyone, I've just been busy trying to catch up. It's just been a weird time for me…."

Sandy got up and walked over to Ryan's phone.

" So you haven't turned your phone off and you don't have messages here that you haven't even listened to? Melissa has been trying to ring you for days. She rang the house in the end because she was worried about you. Why aren't you answering your phone if there isn't anything wrong?"

Ryan sat down on the bed and rubbed his temples.

"I thought you didn't want me to see Missy again... the whole bad influence thing or have I missed something?"

Kirsten sat down next to him.

"We were a bit hasty in our decision and we apologise for that. She cares about you and we shouldn't have interfered. You need your friends around you at this time and we were wrong."

"I'm sorry Ryan, it was my fault. I was mad and warned her off. I ate humble pie and called her and apologised…. kid, she is really fighting your corner, don't push her away." Sandy admitted.

Ryan looked at Sandy, he really knew how to twist the knife and appeal to his conscience.

" So what happens now?...Is this a forgone conclusion or do I have any say in the matter? Because I really don't want this."

"Ryan, we'll leave you the literature. Just read it. Then we will talk some more. O.K…nothing needs to be decided right now." Sandy patted Ryan on the shoulder. "We'll be ordering in dinner soon, maybe you want to invite Melissa over. We'd like to meet her properly."

Ryan nodded and watched them leave, both casting him tentative smiles as they shut the door behind him.

He picked up the leaflets and flung them over the other side of the room.

Great…. now they thought he was fucking crazy.

He picked up the phone and dialled Chino. He had some apologising of his own to do.

TBC