Disclaimer: I don't have permission to be writing this.

AN (4/30): Well, I've decided to stay up until later today. Or something. But I'm going to write this. So...yeah. This is the crazy one. Probably a good thing I'm doing her so late at night. Tis now 3:30 AM. And I'm uploading. Woo!

One Night Stands: Number Seven

One word for Jack Sparrow: perfect. I've never seen a more perfect man in my life. I'm sure I'll never see anyone as perfect again. Can you really blame me for going after perfection? I'd been taught in church, as a young girl, that perfection was something to seek after. Because when you were perfect, the angels would give you wings or maybe the mansions would be yours or perhaps the Destroying Angel would smite your friends. I forget. But that doesn't matter, does it? Because I did what I set out to do and I feel absolutely no regrets.

It was remarkably easy, figuring out where to set my trap. I watched him time and time again, I followed him around. I had to keep seeing his perfect face and excellent physique. Something about that walk of his made me tingle inside my very body. I felt as though I knew Captain Jack Sparrow before I happened to overhear one of the women discussing his name, the day after their experience. I'd seen him vacillate between any and every woman. If he would bed any woman at any time, why couldn't he bed me? All I wanted was to spend that sort of time with him.

Which is why, the morning after he spent that night with that stupid strumpet, he walked straight into my trap. Through all of my observations, he really seemed to have a fetish for women who were in the need of being saved. So, I'd devised a plan that was sure to get his attention. A fiendish plan, some might say, but a plan, nonetheless.

It was brilliant, really, and it only took a little effort on my part. All I had to do was cut myself with a few shards of rum bottles I found outside the tavern. From the fight, you see, that had taken place the night before the night before last, when he'd been visiting that other woman at her house. Of course, he hadn't stayed the night, I don't think. He was up to something. Which is why I had to act. Sticking the shards in my apron, I then went through the rather pleasingly painful task of bruising myself on the brick wall of the court house. I don't think anyone payed any attention to me whatsoever, so I was content to hit myself repeatedly. Sad to say, I know, but I did look like a complete mess when I'd finished.

It was just before dawn, actually, and I'd scurried to the road leading to her house. He'd been going there progressively earlier and earlier... But my planning had been wrong. He didn't walk up that path until it was nearly sunset. Maybe he'd had a row with her. I don't know for sure. But I did play my part expertly.

As soon as I saw him swaggering down the road towards the house, I slit myself with the blade a few times. It hurt. A lot. But it was all for Jack, so it was quite all right. Once I was finished, I allowed myself to sob a bit. The sobs deepened the nearer he got to me. Inevitably, he reached me as I sat on the side of the road, concern clearly visible in those eyes of his. He asked me what was wrong, I made up some response about my husband beating me and throwing me out of the house. His sympathy was mine from that point. I could tell that Jack liked to respect women, for some strange reason. Maybe it was just the way he'd treated every single one night stand I'd seen him with...

Regardless, he'd offered to take me to a tavern or something, to clean up. I told him that my mother was out of town, and asked if he could take me to her home. He'd agreed and helped me up, nearly cooing sympathetic words to stop my 'hysteria'. I kept it up, of course, until he put his arm around my shoulders, making sure not to bump any of my cuts. Such a gentlemanly pirate, Captain Jack Sparrow was. I can't believe it took me so long to find him.

After we'd reached my own little cottage halfway between the more populated town and the farms, I flopped down on one of my sofas and sobbed for a bit. He offered consoling words, moved on to flattery, and finally just decided to cook something. When it was all finished-his cooking was superb-and cleaned up, he then started kissing me. It was only then that I stopped sobbing. Not only was it impossible for me to sob as my dreams were being fulfillled...but I could tell it was getting on his nerves. He was only kissing me to cheer me up, I believe.

But two can play at that game, can't they? I knew of his heartache. And so...when he finished kissing me, I kissed him back. And knocked him flat on his back on the sofa. And then...well, you know, there's nothing like having a lifelong dream fulfilled, even if you are a bit rough with the man to show who is truly in power, there.

I woke up several times during the night and just stared at the exhausted man. I don't think he was used to my sort of...exuberance. The cuts on his hand and neck and...well, pretty much everywhere...seemed to tell me that I'd worn him out. I thought that was impossible, really, to wear a man like Jack out...but he'd been ever since he'd passed out. Oh well. If I could keep awake while he was asleep, I could keep him in my home forever and ever.

Unfortunately, as time marched on, my eyes seemed to be filling with sand. I couldn't keep them open, frankly. In fact, I hadn't even noticed that I'd fallen asleep until I woke up to the sound of someone moving about. My eyes widened as I realized it was...him. And he had hit the squeaky floorboard near my door! Jumping up at once, I hurled myself at him like a ferocious tiger.

How dare he try to leave me? Of course, he was an expert on hand to hand combat. I really had no chance at all. He knocked me out...and when I woke up again, I was all alone on the floor in my home. Just like always. But...I had Captain Jack Sparrow, because I'd wanted him. While many women can claim that, I'm the only one who can claim I actually set up a way to meet him.

AttackingHentaiChibisLoveFluff: I was trying to have a breath of sanity before this one. Not that she's really 'too' insane, eh? Thanks for bothering to leave something, though.
The lady of the shadows: Exams bite pickles. I hope you did a good job, though. And I'm grateful that you left such an encouraging review.
Raisin: Yep. He's all distraught. And we'll find out why, in my next and final one shot for this. I'm hoping it will be funny...poetic justice or something. And I haven't taken my tests yet. They're next week. But thanks for the good luck, in past tense.
But...no. This isn't after Jack lost the Pearl. You'll see why in the next chapter. He's a goober. We'll just say that.
The shorter reply was just dandy...I didn't give you much to go on, really. Thanks for leaving me a review, though!
CrazyPirateGirl : I'd say this one makes Number 4 look tame. Because she's a stalker and she also injures herself...and attacked Jack. Yep. Insane. And Number 6 was just...because of this crazy one. Plus, he needed to go to the tavern so you'd see he was feeling crummy, even though he was spending so much time with other women. Thanks so much for the review!
Arien Belthil: Well, here she is. I didn't plan on updating so soon...but sometimes you just get bitten by the writing bug, or something. Dunno. But you didn't have to wait too long for the crazy one, right? That's all that matters. Thanks for the review!Mystic Moon Maiden: I liked the last one, too. She was...I dunno. Probably my most realistic young thing that Jack wooed. Or whatever. But thank you for your intelligent review an' for reading these crazy little one shots. Crazy. Sorry if I sound like I'm rambling, but I just hit a wall...figuratively speaking, of course. Since you were the first to review, you get a snazzy balloon sword!