Beauty and the Bachelor Beast

Beauty--

My father was asleep in the flowerbed in the front yard. Snoring. Loudly. Just like every other week since Mother died, getting roaring drunk one night, staggering down the dirt road, pulling himself along the neighbors' picket fences and singing along with the stray cats' yowls in his own high drunken song. And as every following morning, Father was lying in the front yard peaceful as could be.

I leaned over and gently shook his shoulder. "Time to get up, Father."

He squinted at the sunlight, turned over and stuck his head resolutely in the tulips.

"Father, time to get up. We have lots of work to do." His head remained in the flowers, with stalks sticking up as strange brilliant antennae. This wasn't working. I pulled up his shoulders and forced him to stand up, then put his arm over my shoulders and walked into the cottage, seating him at the rough-hewn table.

Lily glanced over from her sizzling pan of frying eggs. "How's our patient, Rose?"

" Now girls, I'm no patient. I'm as dandy as can be. Let me just... just get to work here..." Father began to pull his hunched frame up off the chair.

"Oh no you don't!" I rushed over, a difficult feat in the cramped small room, and firmly pushed him down. "No more carpentry for you- you know you can't keep your mind on your work and you get hurt. Now- now, tell me a story."

"A story?"

"Yes, Father, just sit right there and tell me a story. Tell me- tell me what you did last night. At the bar."

Lily gave me a sideways glance. "Yes, Father, it'd be better if we knew what you had done there."

He anxiously ran his gnarled fingers through his gray hair. "Well, girls, I'm not sure exactly what happened. It doesn't seem to make much sense. Met a nice young fellow at the bar, had the yellowest hair I'd ever seen. Pretty shiny too. He uh- wanted to know about my family. Told him- hah- well girls, it seemed quite true to me at the time, but I thought I was a Lord. Had my Lady back again, and you three girls, and had a manor, the life we always wanted, your mother and I. In my head it was real. Good liquor does that to you."

Lily and I glanced away as Father wiped a tear out of the corner of his eye. Mother's death had been hardest on him.

"So, Father, anything else that you said to this handsome fellow?" Lily said quickly, trying to change the subject.

He shook his head to clear it. "Oh, I started telling him your names, proper lord's daughters' names, Beauty and Grace and Virtue."

Lily snorted into the frying pan. "Father, I don't really think anyone would name a child after a trait- it's a recipe for disappointment."

"Oh no, he liked the names. Beauty especially. But uh- Silmon came in before we got to talk more."

"Silmon, Father? The bank collector? The man who smells like fish?" I shivered at the thought of his sniveling dark figure, his twisted mustache greased with reeking imported fish oil.

"Yes. He wanted the money that we owed. You know we've been behind, girls, terribly behind. He was about to call the law on me when the young man took him into a corner and began to talk with him. Silmon went away bowing and smiling, and I saw that his coat pocket was heavier. "

"He paid Silmon off for you, Father? Why?" Lily stared, her frying eggs now forgotten.

Father pulled a piece of paper out of his frayed cotton shirt. "He whispered in my ear that he wouldn't tell any of the social court of my current financial problems, and asked me to send one of my daughters to this address for a month to show my gratitude. To come tomorrow, so that's, uh, today. She could leave whenever she wanted, and he would ensure that she was able to send at least one letter a week. Whispered something about helping lift a curse, magical opportunities. "

Lily and I stared at Father wordlessly until Rosemary hustled in and shrieked. "The eggs are burning!"

"Gaaaaah!" Lily grabbed the pan with a dishtowel and threw the eggs out the window, where they landed safely and fizzled out in the begonias. Awakened from our stupor, Lily and I started to think through what Father had said and began overrunning each other with questions.

"But Father- but Father- what if it's some kind of place for sickos?"

"-are you sure you can't pay off Silmon?"

"- can we get Silmon to accept our money?"

"- what did he mean, magical opportunites?"

"QUIET!"

Lily and I gaped like fish as Rosemary stood seething in the middle of the room. "Now, I don't know what's going on, but as one-fourth of this family I want a full explanation NOW."

We three daughters sat around the table numbly, with Father safely tucked in bed. We had made all the decisions since Mother died, but this was the hardest one we'd ever had.

Lily clasped her hands together tightly, then set them down on the table. "Well, will one of us go or not?"

"One of us has to," Rosemary replied matter-of-factly, as usual. "We can't pay back the debt. It was small for that man, but it's too large for us to ever pay off."

"Rosemary's right. We have to do it. If it doesn't work out, whoever goes can write a letter and the other two will break her loose, right?" I tried to smile.

"Right," said Rosemary. "Now which of us will go?"

"I'm the oldest, I'll go," offered Lily.

"Don't be silly, I'm the strongest, I'll go," replied Rosemary.

"No, Rosemary, you have the best job of us apprenticing at the stables. I'll go. I'm the most useless." I said.

"Don't be ridiculous, I know you can take care of yourself, but-"

"Rosemary, head over heart, remember? I just take care of house and Father. That's no money. You two can do it. Maybe I can get Father to take care of the house more to help you."

Rosemary sighed but nodded. Lily's lips tightened, then opened to speak before Rosemary interrupted.

"Two to one vote, Lily. Rose will go. There's nothing you can do about it."

We girls wept and clung to each other a few hours later, afraid that I wouldn't return. Lily whispered in my ear to speak out and not be shy in the corner as I always was with strangers, but strong and fearless as she knew I could be. Rosemary choked down a cry in her throat and handed me her slingshot from when she was little, "just in case." Father was hardest to part from. He held on to me tightly, cursing himself for what I now did. With one last embrace he whispered his love and let go with tears. Rosemary handed me a large bag she and Lily had filled with clothing and odds and ends. Lily clucked me under the chin. "Remember, 'Lady Beauty', this is your chance for adventure. Good luck. Be brave."

I nodded numbly and set off down the road, the bag swinging to one side whacking me every step. I didn't look back until I was sure that they had walked inside and couldn't catch sight of me. I didn't want them to see my last tears.

Beast--

"A game? That's what you've come up with to find my true love?" I twisted around to look at Kevin, getting throughly tangled in his measuring tape.

"Hold still! We've got to make you some clothes that fit in time before the girls to come. Yes, a game. It's the only way to get through these girls quickly and find yours before Uncle Ed and Aunt Gert come home."

I sighed and stood up straight, arms out to my sides. "You said you were getting high-quality girls, ones my parents would approve of. There's no way a princess would consent to being on a game."

"Awn contrhair, my friend," said my cousin in badly accented French. "You know nothing about women. Upper-class dames will do anything to land a fairy-tale romance. It's one of the ultimate bragging rights; you can't just buy a spot in a fairy tale."

"Touche," I replied, in correct French to annoy him. French is supposed to be the language of love, and of course, Kevin didn't know any of it properly. "So how will we entertain these thirty, forty women? The only servant not on vacation is the cook!"

"You are forgetting a very able workforce available to us: the girls. They'll clean up after themselves."

"You've got to be kidding me. Society women can't tie their own shoes."

"Ah, but they will for you. Don't worry, I'll take care of everything. Your loving older cousin, here to help."

"Because if his aunt and uncle find out that their son is now Mr. Hairy thanks to him, he's a dead duck."

"And what wonderful thanks I receive. You're welcome. Now, here, read this book while I make arrangements. They'll be here anytime. Don't come down until I call for you." Kevin tossed a heavy tome on the bed and walked out the door.

I leaned over and picked up the book. It was brand-new; Kevin obviously didn't feel the need for a self-help book for his own use. How to Talk to Women was splashed across the cover in flowing gold script. I opened it to the first chapter.

"Chapter One: Opening Your Mouth

Opening your mouth around a woman is usually not a good idea. "