Ficlet. Obi-Wan's feelings at Padme's funeral.
It hurts.
You didn't think it would hurt this much.
But as her casket floats by you, as you stand hidden in the shadows, you wonder if anyone else can hear your heart breaking.
Master Yoda had warned you about becoming too attached to Anakin. Fear of loss is a path to the Dark side. But you never really believed him. You made excuses, you explained away his mistakes, you turned the other cheek.
And now there is no where else to go.
You felt him slipping for a long time. From the time when he saw Padme Amidala again, you knew that he was not thinking as a Jedi should. When you saw the love in his eyes, the tenderness in his touch. And yet you said nothing. A few words of warning, but you knew that they would have no impact on him.
And now he was lost. Gone forever.
You loved him. Like a brother, but more than that, because you shared everything. Qui-Gonn's death made you cling tighter to the little boy. He was everything that reminded you of your old Master.
It was then that your war against the Sith truly began. The moment that Darth Maul murdered him.
Since then, your life has been a series of battles, some more successful than others, all carrying a shadow that darkened as days turned into weeks, weeks turned into months, and months turned into years. Master Windu had been cautious of Palpatine since then, and you had hoped that he was wrong.
The boy you trained, gone he is.
Your mind tells you that Yoda is right. Anakin is gone, twisted in Palpatine's plot to rule the galaxy. Darth Vader stands in his place, a cruel imitation of the man he should have been. You told yourself that as you stood and watched him kill Padme. You tell yourself that at night, when you see the security hologram being played over and over again in your dreams.
As you wish, my master.
You have failed him, and that is what hurts you more than anything else. You are convinced that there must have been something you could have done. Should have done. If you had paid more attention, you would have sensed that his feelings for Padme had escalated into something that would eventually destroy him. If you had taken him with you when you went to Utapau, he would not have been left alone with Palpatine.
Betrayal. Heart-wrenching, breathtaking betrayal. That is what you feel. And you know that you are betraying yourself and Yoda, the only two Jedi left, by allowing yourself to acknowledge these feelings. But you were not strong enough to save him.
The last thing he ever said to you still rings in your ears, refuses to let you rest or meditate or think about Luke and Leia and their fate. The fate of everyone in the galaxy.
I hate you.
And you hate yourself.