"Don't be ridiculous."

Draco pouted, folding his arms and glaring at Harry over the chessboard. "I am not being ridiculous! Ask Weasley if you don't believe me. He'll tell you I'm not making this up."

"Actually, Harry," said Hermione helpfully, looking up from One Hundred and One ways to Ascertain the Position of a Negative Astronomical Influence through Triangulation, "he's right. En passant is an ancient sub-clause of the rules of chess. I recall one historical incident, prior to the battle of Alexander and Darius, where one of the Persian Generals…"

"Shut up, Hermione. Whose side are you on, anyway?" Harry glared at Draco's offending pawn. The blonde boy's rather brilliant capture, using an obscure rule of the game, had clearly not been appreciated.

Draco, secure in the knowledge that he was going to win, smirked smugly. "Listen to the beautiful woman, Harry. First rule of relationships. Not a subject you'd know much about, I appreciate, what with all the obvious campness around here…"

Harry and Ron spluttered. "We're not gay!", making Hermione choke with laughter behind her book.

"Ambiguously bisexual, possibly…" Ron added thoughtfully, eyeing up Seamus Finnegan in his worn-out Quidditch robes.

Draco grinned. Turning his wicked attention onto Hermione, he continued, "And you. As if we didn't know you only use those books to disguise the back-issues of Playwizard magazine you stole from under Neville's bed…"

There was a shocked silence, broken by a few muffled gasps and a cry of "Ginny, close your ears!"

"Oh," said Draco into the stunned hush, "Maybe we don't know, then. Come on, Gryffindors," he addressed the common room at large, "How naïve can you get?"

Harry was still glowering at him. "Get on with the game, Draco." He groaned, in a tone of long-sufferance. "Unless all this snarking has a point…"

"Snarking? Good word. I shall make a note of it." He examined the board carefully, drumming one of hiss elegantly-manicured nails against the side of the table. After a moment, he stood up, declared in a loud bellow, "MY KING WILL CASTLE," bowed slightly, and sat back down. Harry stared. Hermione, who seemed to have regained some measure of her normal composure, raised an eyebrow. Seamus Finnegan fell off the edge of his armchair in shock, giving Ron an opportunity to gaze longingly at his toned and muscular legs. Draco grinned.

"I do so like to keep the traditional protocol alive." He remarked pleasantly, switching the two pieces around. "Although, of course, that one actually started when a medieval wizard had a deaf rook, and had to shout to get its attention…"

Hermione gazed lovingly at him. "He's so educated…" she whispered dreamily.

Seamus Finnegan got up hurriedly, adjusting his Quidditch robes, and fled the common room- although not before he brushed up lovingly against Draco's chair.

Harry just rolled his eyes. Draco Malfoy, the Amazing Closet Exhibitionist.