Farther Away, by Evanesence
Possession- Forgiveness
I took their smiles and I made them mine
I sold my soul just to hide the light
And now I see what I really am
Tala lay on his side in the middle of Kai's bed, curled in around the pillow he had clung to after he collapsed. He struggled to open his eyes. His vision wavered, his lashes stuck together with dried tears. Burying his face in the cushion, a sob escaped him, muffled in the fabric. He was still alone. And he realized it was all his fault.
He had destroyed Kai because he had doubted the bluenette's love for him, had run to Bryan to be satisfied with lies. And part of him had known they were lies from the start, but hadn't cared. Had also known that it would come to blows, the jealous lover would fight to regain his unfaithful wolf.
A thief . . .
He had stolen Kai's heart, knowing full well he was going to break it.
A whore . . .
Tala cursed himself for deliberately leaving a safe and secure place for the promise of something better, with absolutely no proof he would find it. He had followed what his body screamed it needed, not what his mind whispered he wanted.
And a liar
How could he have betrayed himself like that? He knew what he meant to Kai. He was the phoenix's world.
He also knew what he meant to Bryan. A toy. A plaything. A possession. That was truly all he was, something to be used, fooled around with to be passed along. And he had let it happen. He was the one who chose this time. He let it happen . . .
I run to you
Call out your name
Tears cascaded down his cheeks, caressing the fresh bruise that had just begun to purple, dripping to the pillow cradled in his arms. "Kai," he choked. "Kai . . . please. Please come back. Kai . . ."
Tala felt himself give way to despair, his sobs making his chest heave, his breaths turning shallow and weak. He was gone, he was never coming back. And it was all his fault.
I see you there, farther away
I'm numb to you
Numb and deaf and blind
His slender hand rested on the doorframe, his eyes expressionless as he listened to the boy lying on his bed cry into a pillow. He knew that the sight should have made his heart wrench, but now . . . now he felt nothing. He was dead to the world because of Tala.
The redhead had spent months getting him to finally open up, and then he had betrayed him. The walls of ice that had melted away grew back into their accustomed place, thicker and colder than ever before. He surrounded himself with a glacier, cut off from his own desires for fear they would tear shatter his protection.
Nothing could touch him. He would never be hurt again.
You give me all but the reason why
I reach but I feel only night air
Letting out the breath he didn't realize he had been holding, Kai dropped his hand from the door, turning to leave the redhead behind. If Tala thought he wasn't coming back, he would leave. That was all Kai could hope for.
But he had damned himself. The wolf in Tala had heard his sigh, and desperate blue eyes locked onto him as the boy sat up, clutching the pillow that was his only protection from the world. The silence between them hung tangible in the air, Tala holding back another sob while Kai stared at him impassively.
The one who had hurt him was in pain. He would do nothing to ease it.
A soft, agonized cry escaped Tala's lips, and before the other could react, he had left the bed and taken the few steps necessary to cross the room, wrapping his arms around the shorter Russian's neck. Burrying his face in that strong shoulder, he held tightly to his love.
"I'm so sorry Kai, I'm so sorry . . ."
Kai let the redhead pull him close but didn't respond, his arms remaining at his sides. He felt fresh tears soak through his shirt to dampen his skin, listening as Tala tried to silence his sobs. His slender body was shaking and Kai could see the large, dark shadow that had formed on his cheek.
Anger flared in him briefly at the sight of it, furious that Bryan would treat him so roughly. The feeling quickly died as he tightened his resolve, but he felt the beginnings of doubt form in his mind. No amount of ice could back his memories.
Not you, not love,
Just nothing
His arms slowly lifted to encircle Tala protectively. He closed his eyes, willing himself to give in. Despite the fact that he had hardened his heart, he knew he would rather live with the illusion of love than to be left without it.
And this felt so right, he didn't know why. It just did, and he hated it.
He hated that he knew that Tala truly was sorry, hated that he had come back. He hated that he had touched him, hated that he had allowed it. And most of all, he hated the fact that Tala loved him, and he wouldn't be the one to destroy that.
Kai knew what it meant to have your bleeding heart handed back to you.
I run to you
Call out your name
I see you there, farther away
"Kai, say you'll forgive me. Please . . . I was wrong, I love you . . . I'm empty without you." Tala whispered into the phoenix's shoulder, not daring to look into his face. "I don't feel real thinking that you don't love me . . . that I don't belong to you . . ."
Kai almost pulled away at that. No. That's not what he wanted. Neither of them belonged to the other. Love was freedom, love was choice. And he knew that like everything else in his life, this wasn't real. There was no such thing as love. Not for him.
"You don't belong to anyone but yourself."
Try to forget you
But without you I feel nothing
Tala closed his eyes, letting out a shuddering breath. Kai loved him. That was all that mattered. He was a person to Kai, he was real. He was no one's possession. He began to tremble violently, unable to hold his emotions back. He was free.
Strong arms tightened around Tala's waist, lifting him from his shaking legs before he collapsed. He carried the slender boy to the bed, laying him there gently before pulling away and straightening. Turning his back on Tala, he opened the drawer to his bedside dresser, stowing a silver gleaming weapon in his pocket before heading away from the boy who stared after him.
"Wait!"
Don't leave me here by myself
Glancing over his shoulder, he shook his head. "There's one more thing I need to take care of."
Tala closed his eyes, trying to hold down his panic. He was going to find Bryan. He could very well kill the larger boy, but Bryan could just as easily kill Kai. He might not come back this time.
I can't breathe
"Kai . . . I love you."
The red-eyed Blader didn't turn around, just stopped where he stood. Bowing his head in acknowledgement, he walked through the doorway and out of the apartment. The lock clicked behind him with an air of finality that squeezed Tala's heart.
I run to you
Call out your name
I see you . . .
'Love you . . . Kai . . . I love you . . . you . . . love you . . . Kai . . .' He shut the words out as he escaped the confines of the lie. It wasn't real. It wasn't real and it couldn't hurt him.
The jagged pieces of ice wrapped themselves around him, rough but cool against his skin, their jagged edges catching his skin and clothes, tearing them. His blood was as cold as the frozen shield, but he took comfort know it was there.
If it hurt he who was protected by it, what would it do to those he meant to hurt?
Farther away
Stalking through the pre-dawn gloom that covered the streets, Kai allowed the coldness inside to embrace him, preparing him for the thing he had to do. This was no act of love, this was revenge, an act of fury. Of hate. Those were the only things he knew now.
Farther away
Farther away . . .
All readers: The next portion will be the last planned part, it may or may not go from there (it will probably end though), and I warn you now that I have a sick and twisted mind so it's going to be horrible. Just to let you know. I am prepared for flames, but I'd rather not have to douse my computer to put them out.
Jade Cyclone: It's just a little creepy . . . This was already half-written, and then I get to your review about making Kai go back to his normal self . . . just as I was writing the part about the ice. Scary man. It was helpful, thank you. I tried, but I'm not sure it worked out as well as I had hoped. The rough draft was horribly delicious, but . . . well, it was a rough draft. Drat.
This story is the cherry on the cake of angst of my life.