Ok, Myself and MariAmber wrote this together. Note, two highly insane people are responsible, and for those who don't like reading fics that mercilessly ridcule the Lost characters don't read.
We have nothing against the characters...
Except maybe Boone
We don't own lost ..if we did...well...read and find out..
Dear Diary
Dear Diary,
Plane crashed. Not good. Boredom sinking in. I know I have a game...
Love Insane Insomniac
Dear Diary,
The plane crashed, better not tell anybody about the thing I saw on the wing but secretly I think it was the big guy (Honestly him and the pregnant lady...together...on the same plane?" were they good pilots? No are they dolts? Apparently. Look at that other person over there writing in her diary, I think she's scheming
Love Pure Evil Lady
Dear Diary,
I am scheming a most brilliant plan!
Love Insane Insomniac
Dear Diary,
She's totally scheming I can tell, there's this glint in her eye, something insane, but she could be an insomniac
Love Pure Evil Lady
Dear Diary,
Couldn't sleep...So I stole Sawyers lighter, and burned of his precious golden locks….
Love II
Dear Diary
I woke up to the middle of the night to that familiar smell of burning hair, I looked over and Sawyers precious golden locks were gone. I did what any Good Samaritan would do. Laughed my ass of until I could breathe, then went to the bathroom.
Love PEL
Dear Diary,
May not be only slightly mad person on this island...Well I awoke to screaming. Thought Hurley might be eating someone again. Turns out someone stole Locke's sexy. Wonder who that could be?
Love II
Dear Diary
Today I stole Locke's sexy, it made me feel superior in so many ways. I might just never give it back, but then again if I don't he'll chase me like some tribal native. Alright I'll give it back at sundown, but until then...it's Sawyer's fault
Love PEL
Dear Diary,
Gotta hand it to that evil chick...Very clever. Stealing Locke's sexy. Today I stole Shannon's asthma inhalers and blamed it on Sawyer. Must have found me, because here they come with the torches...
Love II
Dear Diary,
Today I was going to practice my monster routine, you know going into the jungle and shaking the trees, but then I found a mob going to torch someone, and you know me, never one to turn down a mob, see you after the BBQ
Love PEL
Dear Diary
Not dead yet...A few minor burns...Anyway was walking around and found 5 star resort...Deciding whether to tell the others...
Love II
Dear Diary,
I followed that girl to tell her I'm sorry for the burns I gave her (I really was aiming for sawyer...and Boones eyebrows) and I found out she found a 5 star hotel. A Hilton of all things. Seems this islands Paris's secret getaway. I always smelt the strong stench of skank, but I just deduced it was Shannon
Love PEL
Dear Diary,
Nice girl that evil one...Was feeling very bored this morning, So we took Shannon's make up bag, put and beside a sleeping Boone (his eyebrows appear detachable) and are waiting for the Bitchtastic fireworks to start
Love II
Dear Diary,
I brought out my bag of marshmallows while we were waiting to Boone (who I will now refer to as eyebrows) to wake up
7 hours later
That mofo still hasn't wakened his lazy ass so we roasted marshmallows until they lit on fire and whipped them at him. Burning off one of his beauties. Oh well it was Sawyer's fault...somehow
Love PEL
Dear Diary,
Boone's got spare eyebrows. Seriously disturbing
Love II
Dear Diary
Boone got new eyebrows and I noticed that Vincent is missing some fur. Coincidence? I think not. Since when to brunettes grow in blonde eyebrows?
Love PEL
Dear Diary,
Jin speaks English. Very clearly today I heard him shout EVIL DEVIL CHILD….
Love II
Dear Diary
Today Jin called my new bud insane insomniac an evil devil child. I was hurt! I'm the evil one dammit! Oh well, I'll have to wake up extra early tomorrow to pee in his cheerios
Love PEL
Dear Diary,
Jin had a funny look on his face today. Wonder what got into him.
Love II
Dear Diary,
Today Charlie, Kate, Jack II, and I went on a hike to find this fabled cockpit. Along the way I said I saw the monster, and when Charlie asked what it looked like, I said "Yo momma." I don't think Charlie likes me that much...
Love PEL
Dear Claire's Diary,
Take a guess at what I stole today!
Love II
Dear Diary,
Claire went all bitchcakes today looking for her diary; jeez for a pregnant lady she can really throw one hell of a bitchfest. I mean jeez the pipes on her are equal to that of a 17th century church organ. I think Shannon got jealous. Hmm maybe I can make a girl fight happen...
Love PEL
Dear Diary,
I threw a rock at Shannon's head. It echoed...odd.
Love II
Dear Diary,
There's a rumor going around that Shannon and Boone had had sex. Which is weird because I always thought that Locke and Boone made a better couple
Love PEL
Dear Diary,
Found Claire and Charlie making out behind a palm tree. At first thought it was PEL pretending to be monster...But even she don't rock the trees that much
Love II
Dear Diary
I'm so PO'ed friggin' Charlie and Claire were macking it behind my tree that I shake to be the monster. Those bitches, now everyone thinks it was just them and my subterfuge was for nothing! Nothing! NOTHIN… oh hell who cares, I'm gonna go get me some of that passion fruit
PS they don't call it passion fruit for nothing
Love PEL
Dear Diary,
PEL is kinda angry...I Locked her in a tent with Jack to make her feel better….
Love II
Dear Diary,
I stole Jack's virginity...or at least that's what I'm telling myself.
PS, how in the hell did my tent get locked
PSS, Locke is angry that I dinnae sex him up
Love PEL
Dear Diary,
I told Charlie that the monster was coming and we should run out into the jungle for hot jungle loving...
Love II
Dear Diary,
Charlie is now the man whore of the island I swear Vincent isn't even safe. Before you know it this island will be filled with millions of STD's which I'm pretty sure Shannon packed with her. Times like this I wish I could go back in time to when sawyer and Kate found those dead people under the waterfall. I got a Polaroid of their face; let me say it was priceless
Love PEL
Dear Diary,
Sawyer and Vincent are an Item. Even I, the great mind reader didn't see that one coming...
Love II
Dear Diary,
Today I saw Sawyer in the jungle doing something very strange with Vincent. I'm gonna say it looked like...umm romping? all I know it that if these keeps up Shannon ain't gonna be the only bulimic here on incest isle
Love PEL
Dear Diary,
Sawyers having puppies
Love II
Dear Diary,
Boone looked at Sawyer in a way today that I can only describe as lustful, maybe Boone's in heat, or maybe it was just indigestion
Love PEL
Dear Diary,
Boone was hitting on me...PEL said he was lovesick over Sawyer. I calmly told him that Sawyer didn't need any attachments. With the puppies and all.
Love II
Dear Diary,
Today was fun first me and II sat in the sand in the corner of the beach and just made fun of everyone who was far away from us.
Then we rated Hurley, Claire and sawyer on levels of fatness
And finally we actually started a hormone fight between Claire and sawyer (he put on a lot of weight; Jack says he's having eleventuplets).
Love PEL
Dear Diary,
PEL and I sat back and watched the mess that is camp. Everyone is fighting. Sawyers puppies are yapping, Shannon and Paris and screaming...To think….we created all this!
Love II
Dear Diary,
Shannon and Paris were fighting over the best suntan. I think they both have some variety of skin cancer, but jack just doesn't care. Speaking of Jack have you seen that man? He must be made by camp bells because he is mmmm, mmmm good!
PS Locke is still throwing a sexiest man on the isle bitchfest
Love PEL
Dear Diary,
Today they voted me off the island
Love II
Dear Diary,
Stupid Jeff thinks he's so great because he has a friggin' Aztec. Well guess what? At the awards challenge I used my award that I won to bring back one of the former cast members and I picked my insane twin, ii. So shove that up your cram hole Jeff
PS Hurley ate Jeff
PSS no one cared
Love PEL
Dear Diary,
I'M BACK!
To celebrate my arrival...a polar bear charged into camp and ate Hurley
Love II
Dear Diary,
My mistake. Hurley ate it
Love II
Dear Diary
That poor polar bear didn't even see it coming, I mean come on, that was just malicious. From now on I refuse to go anywhere near Hurley in fear of being eaten.
PS I had a bitchslapping contest with sun today
PSS my cheek hurts
Love PEL
Dear Diary,
Sun and PEL had a bitchslapping contest...man sun has had some practice. Sawyer wanted to watch so I told him off, 'you've got puppies now sawyer...put the mouse back in the house' you'd think he'd learn his lesson by now,
Love II
Dear Diary,
Sun and I decided to join together to become the island bitchslapping police. We're currently training ii and then the three of us will take over the WORLD! Erm...island.
Love PEL
Dear Diary,
I am a young bitchslapping apprentice. My mother would be proud.
Love II
Dear Diary,
Where in the world did Donald trump come from? As soon as I wrote the words apprentice, he just 'poof' showed up. Might be some competition, his hairs almost as bad as Boone's eyebrows. Almost
Love II
Dear Diary,
II is the most skillful you bicthslapper I've ever seen. 9 out of ten islanders agree the tenth should shut up (Sawyer is number 10) I mean since he got his puppy weight off, he thinks that he's the shiznit around here, well me and ii will show him up tomorrow.
PS Donald trump and Boone have joined forces to make the 'NICH' the national island hairy committee
Love PEL
Dear Diary,
Sawyer needs an attitude adjustment. We took him back to Paris's holiday mansion and tied him to a chair. He has the choice between two movies. Flipper or Clueless...
Love II
Dear Diary,
II introduced me to Ethan, now that is some lean Canadian beef right there son. Man he's so cool, he told me where to find the good plants. Apparently this is the same island as Leo was on during the movie 'the beach' I will later get stoned for that reference.
PS Ethan is one cool mofo
PSS long live the Canada Australia alliance
PSSS Austranada
Love PEL
Dear Diary,
Named the island Austranada….Myself and PEL are queens, Ethan is our advisory and Boone is our hunting dog. Not that he ever catches anything.
Love II
Dear Diary,
I appointed lock secretary of sexiness. He takes his position to seriously, he plans to sex everyone up in the future. I can't wait for that, I'm being sarcastic, however Boone was not, I seriously think that boy is whipped. Spending hours in the jungle with Locke, making weird noises, sounds like something Stephen king would write about
Love PEL
Dear Diary,
Caught Boone and Locke...Making muffins.
Love II
Dear Diary,
I do NOT want any of those 'muffins'
Love PEL
Dear Diary,
We were overthrown. Charlie shot Ethan...stupid prick. And Jack exiled us. So now it's me, PEL and this really down to earth polar bear roasting marshmallows in the rain...note: It doesn't work so well
Love II
Dear Diary,
I miss Ethan he was like a bird to my fish, a pink to my shade of blue, an Ethan to my PEL, god I cried today while staring at Claire's baby (she had her baby btw but who cares?) because Ethan loved them so much! He was like a Barney, minus the scary. But I had to leave before Jack caught me, but I brought something with me as a souvenir
Love PEL
Dear Diary,
The polar bear told us his life story...Ethan took him in as a pup...And now his only family is dead. WHY GOD WHY! Ethan has a special place in all our hearts. He will be missed
Love II
Dear Diary,
It's the 31st of October, and since nothing special happens today, I say we claim it as Ethan day. We'll go and be the might marauders of the Midwest island coast. PS how the hell am I supposed to take care of Claire's baby? I'd better just give it back
Love PEL
PS Locke still likes to talk to me, freaky
Dear Diary,
Today is Ethan day. I and the polar bear ran around scaring Claire in honor of him. I think PEL's gone soft. She's giving the baby back.
Love II
Dear Diary,
I just realized that Ethan Rom was an anagram for Mother Na! I'm so freaked out right now. The polar bear we befriended took up to Ethan's lair, just as I suspected lined with Pilates tapes. And OMG is that Sega with Mortal Kombat? Oh screw this...
Love PEL
Dear Diary,
Ethan has a lair. Number that one...that's cool number two...WE CAN ROAST Marshmallows AGAIN love II
Dear Diary,
I and II had a Mortal Kombat, marshmallow roasting party last night with the polar bear. We've decided that it is important for one of us to befriend one of the 'cool' castaways, so tomorrow is the birth of 'Operation: befriend cool castaway
Love PEL
Dear Diary,
Operation befriend Cool castaway is in action. The popcorns ready, the polar bears leant us his sunglasses (did you know he was in the cocoa cola adds?) and we are set
Love II
Dear Diary,
I'm writing this while I walk through the woods, it is very important to pay attention to where you wal…
Sorry I hit a tree because I wasn't paying attention. So now, we must pick out our prey...so many choices, this is take long hard hours of concent...OMG is that a penny? Score!
Love PEL
Dear Diary,
PEL ran into a tree while I was laughing my ass of I fell in a ditch…Damn.
Love II
Dear Diary,
Our greatest enemies on the isle are the inanimate objects!
They are older then the wind itself and more clever then a...umm...clever thingy! Yeah that's good.
Love PEL
Dear Diary,
On our walk, PEL was trying to be all wise today. I said if she were really wise we would have murdered Boone by now...
Love II
Dear Diary,
II dared me to murder Boone. Now I have to decided how to, I think back to my few short days spent with Ethan, how would he have done it. Probably the breaking bones thing (stupid dumbassed Scott/Steve). But I believe that all the endless hours of Mortal Kombat has taught me awesome karate skills, so tomorrow we start plan "Kill Boone with my fists of fury"
Love PEL
PS violence solves nothing
Dear Diary,
PEL's getting ready to smash the eyebrows off Boone. Can't wait. Polar bear and me placed bets on how long it would take...gotta run…its starting…
Love II
Dear Diary,
I totally kicked Boone pansy ass! he was all like "Hi PEL" and I was like "STFU" and then I beat him until Locke came over and reprimanded me for taking his beating bitch. But then we made a deal that I get him Wednesdays.
PS II loved her stuffed trophy of Boone's eyebrows
Love PEL
Dear Diary,
Got the coolest stuffed eyebrow trophy. PEL is the greatest...She was all, "Hiya!" And he was all, "AAAHHH!" And Locke was all "Get the hell away from me beating bitch!"
Love II
Dear Diary,
Today me and II snuck into the old camp, and peed in the water supply, that'll teach them not to represent
PS, I need to buy Pepsi for the bar fridge in Ethan's lair
PSS, this has been a story sponsored by Pepsi, it's the cola!
Love PEL
Dear Diary,
The Pepsi guys got to PEL...not good. COCA COLA IS SO MUCH BETTER! Polar bear agrees with me...
Love II
Dear Diary,
I really do prefer diet coke, but someone has to pay the bills. What can I say I'm a trend pimp, or sponsor whore if you'd prefer
Love PEL
Dear Diary,
PEL needs to change her name to SW...sponsor whore. I made a sign for the lair 'do not enter unless you wish to be bombarded with Pepsi ads' should keep the islanders away
Love II
Dear Diary,
Pepsi fired me today, seems they want someone with a cleaner, more virginictic feel...
PS yes I can make up words so…Gah!
Love PEL
Dear Diary,
Jack showed up today, he wanted to give PEL's virginity back...I tried to tell her it was impossible...I think he just wanted to see how cool our lair is.
Love II
Dear Diary,
Jack came to give me my virginity back so I could work more with the Pepsi people, but that failed miserably again because I managed to take it back from him on the couch...
Love PEL
Dear Diary,
Polar bear and me watched Spanish soaps and ate chocolate while Jack and PEL played hot potato with her virginity
Love II
Dear Diary,
I was supposed to be playing virginity hot potato with Jack but I swear Spanish soap operas? I mean "¿Dondé éstà la bibliotequa Pedro?" But I was there...for most of it
Love PEL
Dear Diary,
Found out Jack and PEL are fans of Spanish soaps...I think I might go find Charlie...Hot Potato sounds like fun to me...
Love II
Dear Diary,
I don't know what happened to Kate, I haven't really heard from her since the cockpit. There's a rumor going around that she's on Broadway, but something tells me she's sexing it up at the Hilton.
PS today I caughtII and Charlie in a less then appropriate position, lets just say that they'd be excellent twister players
Love PEL
PS my virgin eyes!
Dear Diary,
Oops...might have scarred PEL for life…Oh well…me and Charlie had a twister tournament coming up, if you know what I mean...of course you don't your a book!
Love II
Dear Diary,
II's diary has been talking to me all night again, telling me that ii doesn't respect her like she should. The shame. It's so sad when inanimate objects are brought to life by my feeble mind
Love PEL
PS Locke was snooping around yesterday, freaky legs probably wants to join the twister tournament
Dear Diary,
Oh great so now Locke's seen me and Charlie ...ah playing twister. He asked to join in. I replied 'sorry there is only one opening and Charlie's rather filled it
Love II
Dear Diary,
Today I made my daily trip to see Ethan's gave and OMG his hand came out!
1) OMG ETHAN'S BACK WTF (HUGGLES)
2) OMG THRILLER!
Now we must set up dance routine...
Love PEL
Dear Diary,
Me, PEL and polar bear have come up with awesome dance routine...Ethan's back, back again, Ethan's back tell a friend. He joined us for our pretty in pink party. Tomorrow we're going Boone hunting. Yay!
Love II
Dear Diary,
Ethan taught us the best way to hunt a man; I think Ethan should be on the cover of Vogue
Love PEL
Dear Diary,
PEL suggested Ethan be on the cover of Vogue...I swear if he was I would actually buy that magazine. In other news, me and Charlie have moved onto another game. This one's called in the tail on the donkey
Love II
Dear Diary,
II and Charlie keep have their sexy parties, while jack and Ethan don't get along. This is so hard, on one side you have a hot, sexy, muscular, tattooed doctor, and on the other you have Canadian, psycho killer Ethan.
WHY MUST I CHOOSE?
Love PEL
Dear Diary,
PEL is having a hard time with it. Ethan and Jack...Poor thing.
Love II
PS I offered to take whichever she didn't want
Dear Anne Landers,
I'm stuck on an island and I'm torn in between to guys. The first is so kind and nurturing and hot and a doctor to boot, but the second one's a hardcore bad boy and Canadian! I really don't know which on to give my love, if you could tell me that I'm messing everything up like you do to everyone that'd be great
slutty teenage island beach whore (PEL)
Dear Diary,
PEL wrote for help. No not about the island about her choice. So hard. I really feel sorry for her. Charlie ran off with Shannon and Paris. Well I'm sorry if I'm not kinky enough for him!
Love II
Dear Diary,
I hope Anne got the letter I wrote her in the bottle. Kate saw me put it in the water and asked what it was for; I said that I was writing to Anne Landers. She told me she was dead. I just think Kate's jealous because she don't got this gesticulates towards my sexy body
PS I toldII not to worry about Charlie and just because she doesn't weigh less then 55lbs doesn't mean she...won't get a man soon.
Love PEL
Dear Diary,
PEL made me feel better. Saw Ethan having a shower this morning...made me feel even more better. NO WAIT...PEL hasn't decided yet so keep dirty thoughts to self…
Love II
Dear Diary,
Today me and II went to go sunbathing on the beach and watched the sexy guys prance around like idiots...why do they work? I mean working will get nothing done.
Ethan brought us milkshakes; apparently he has a nice creamery in the hills. God why are choices so hard?
Love PEL
Dear Diary,
Milkshakes are so nice...Ethan's treating us like queens of a small not-so-deserted island. Sunbathing is nice. Charlie was checking me...I'll not take him back 'til he crawls on hands and knees and promises to bring his own twister mat
Love II
Dear Diary,
Today I went through all the twister mats and their most of them out because Charlie and II befouled them all! I mean one or two I can understand but 63? Man, for a little guy he's got lots of...spunk?
Love PEL
Dear Diary,
Charlie did crawl back and yes brought mats...I'm so proud of him. PEL still hasn't decided. She'd better hurry up…Ethan is showering 4 times a day! AND HE LEAVES THE DOOR OPEN
Love II
Dear Diary,
I have decided that's its best if me and Ethan just remain friends, besides the fact that we're both evil and both Canadian and both like to steal babies and hurt innocent people... He's gay
So back to my lovely Jack's arms!
Love PEL
Dear Diary,
Ethan's gay I think I might die.
Love II
Dear Diary,
I was taking a lovely jaunt through the bowels of the jungle this morning, and how did I see? Ethan! Talking with Boone! I knew he really marched in parades! I knew it! I mean how Will & Grace is this? Seriously it was something about those eyebrows that said that boy just ain't right. But now I believe that undead dead Ethan and beaten Boone will make a fabulous pair...
Opps go to go, here comes sawyer walking his brigade of puppies. I have to get the rawhide bones ready for the fiasco. Hee hee hee what did you expect, the name is pure evil lady
Love PEL
PS Woof
PEL and II put away their diaries for a night of fun. Sawyer, after having dropped his puppies off at Sayid's pulled out a deck of cards and shouted "STRIP POKER"
This was all the conversation needed to send 15 survivors running.
Everyone was huddled together and rearing to go.
II didn't know how to play poker, but still reading to strip of her clothes at any moment, was more then willing to play.
PEL sat in the corner, she seemed more interested in drinking then playing actual poker, but she still managed to get a couple hands in
PEL shouted happily "Ha My pair beats your full house!"
Sawyer nervously argued back "that ain't…" Before being rudely interrupted by Locke screaming "STRIPTEASE"
"That ain't right.." Sawyer continued, before throwing his jumper aside without looking anyone in the eye.
At this point, no one noticed that Jack and Kate had left the little group after both loosing horribly.
PEL then passed out from the naked sexiness and tequila shots
Charlie, entering the scene mumbling "Hey guys I just came to.." After seeing Locke he loudly shouted "OH LOCKE! PUT SOME PANTS ON!" To which Locke replied seductively "Why? Are you afraid of the sexual tension between us?"
Hurley stood up "That's it, I'm outta here"
II having no clue what was going, started giggling insanely. She stopped suddenly when she realized she was the only one wearing all of her original clothing.
She stood up and yelled at the top of her lungs "Why am I not NEKED"
"Because you're winning" Boone announced.
Suddenly , like a scene from 101 Dalmatians, Sawyers puppies came bounding through the game.
Locke the only one entirely naked started running. The dogs followed.
Everyone else decided to stay behind and try and guess what PEL's drool stain looked like.
And all that could be heard in the distance was Locke's pitiful scream.. "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"
Dear Diary,
Must learn how to loose at strip poker.
Love II
Dear Diary,
I woke up this morning smelling like soot, vomit and something I can't even describe, ahhh those old public school days...
Love PEL
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