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Chapter Five - Where's Alucard When You Need Him?
"Two bums are sitting in an alleyway next to a bunch of garbage cans. Bum #1 tells Bum #2 "You won't believe what I found the other day! I found an entire loaf of bread! Isn't that great!?" Bum #2 says "You think THAT's great? You know what I found? A CHICK." Freaked out, Bum#1 says "Woah! Where did you find her!?". Bum #2 says "She was tied up on the traintracks! I found her, untied her, and we had sex for the whole night!" So now officially freaked out, Bum# 1 says "So, did she give you any blowjobs?". Bum#2 responds with "She couldn't, I wasn't able to find her head"
"Must your humor be so disgusting?" Raziel hissed.
"I dunno, you seem to bring that out of me." I responded.
I woke up in a different part of the cave. We were waaaaaaaaaaaaaay up high and there was a bunch of water below. Raz said that in order to take me with him that high he had to scale the walls with me on his back. How I didn't fall a million times is beyond me. I looked down at the water and whistled.
"Normally I don't mind swimming but when I'm on the brink of drowning it really sucks." I said.
"Then don't laugh underwater again." was his response, then pulled me up. "We're going."
"Gotcha Emo-Man." I responded as he growled at his new nickname.
Rather then run the whole way down, Raziel just grabbed me by the arm and we jumped down. You know how Lara Croft screams when she falls? I was close to doing that, but the water drowned it out before I had the chance. I sunk for a bit, then swam up to get a great big deep breath, then went under. You guys know what this places looks like so I won't go into description besides the fact that it was huge and led into another cave. I didn't plan on trusting my own legs to get around, not to mention Raziel was a much faster swimmer, so I just grabbed onto one of his dead wings and "rode" him. Yes, that was disgusting and sounded wrong, but there's no other definition that came into my head at the moment. Raziel didn't seem to care anyways. He went swimming around under the water and made it to the huge cave. My lungs would've been killing me by now, but they weren't for some reason. Maybe it's the speed of Raz, maybe it's because I dislike pain. Either way, I was fine.... until he got lost in the cave.
It was more of a maze then a cave if you want me to be honest. At this time I let go of him and started to swim around freely, looking for a way out. Raziel was looking around the bottom for any secret tunnels or something, and I went looking around the top. I was halfway finished checking half of the cave went I released some of my air. NOW my lungs were starting to hurt. I started looking around frantically this time... but these damn baggy pants... what a pain in the ass. Even when I had air in my lungs I was still sinking. Before I could search some more, I looked up. There was a huge tunnel leading up... and a shimmering, shiny orange light at the top. It was fire! FINALLY a way out! Knowing that Raziel wouldn't drown if I left him down there for an hour, I swam up to the surface and gasped out, breathing in more air. Throwing out one of my arms, I pulled myself out of the water and laid on my back in this weird stone... thing that was kinda like a house, but not. Torches were on the wall, and outside there was a huge swamp. After catching my breath, I stood up and walked outside.
"Why am I suddenly reminded of a Star Wars movie? There gonna be a little Jedi thing popping out any time soon? Or maybe a giant cannibalistic teddy bear with a spear." I muttered.
Guards and soldiers were everywhere. Not a civillian in sight. I had an idea that my presence here would be really... questioning, I guess? But hell, as long as I didn't get stabbed again, it'll be cool for me. So I kept walking. I made my first mistake by stepping in the swamp which slowed me down. Got out of the swampy muddy stuff and moved onto less wet "higher ground", so moving wasn't a pain in the ass. After a while of aimlessly wandering I came to a door. And go figure, not only was it locked, it was rusted over, and heavy as hell, so I couldn't open it. I sighed and collapsed onto the ground.
"Gotta wait for Emo-Man.... this sucks." I growled, then looked up at the ruins on a huge cliff. There was a tall, green figure there. And yup. I knew who it was. It was Vorador. And he was looking right at me. Casually, I lifted my arm and flipped him the bird again.
"You looking at something?" I muttered, then lowered my arm. He glared, and continued to watch me. I shrugged I leaned my head against the door.
"Emo-Man, get your ass over here and kick the damn door down. The sooner I leave this fucking game, the better." I growled.
"What do you mean by game?"
I nearly jumped out of my skin. I looked at the ruins. The Grinch wasn't there anymore. Now he was standing beside me, arms crossed, looking down at me with the most pissed off eyes I've ever seen. Now yelling at Raziel was cool, he was a stupid whiny bitch. Yelling at Vorador who could actually do something besides write a book about ever fucking thing that happened to him was different. Now was the time when I wanted to bite off my middle finger and say "That wasn't me! See?". But like that would work anyway.
"You wouldn't believe me even if I told you, Mr. Grinch." I stated. He responded by lifting me off the ground by my hair.
"What was that? I expected an answer, not sarcasm." he growled.
I winced. Yup, couldn't fuck around with this guy. "This place is really a video game, I got pulled in through my TV screen and now I'm here driving Emo-Man Crazy!" I responded. He threw me down on the ground.
"You were correct, I don't believe you." he said. Yeah, what a way to rip off Griz's story, huh? I rubbed my head.
"So what's up with you spying on me and Emo-Man? You didn't see all the times I was naked, right?" I asked him. He rolled his eyes.
"A human girl just starting puberty is the least of my concerns. Your friend... the... 'Emo-Man', however, is the top of my concerns." he growled. I blinked.
"Yes, yes, I know, you want to know more about the 'savior of Nosgoth' and the salvation of the pillars and all that juicy stuff. Emo-Man is a moron. Nothing incredibly special about him. You can't kill him, and he does more talking then solving anything... and he whines a lot. Shouldn't you do something more constructive like trying to find Kain and kill that idiot time streaming moron?" I stated.
Vorador smirked. I don't know why... but he did. It was really scary.
"So my vulgar-mouthed friend. Why is it that your.... Emo-Man has decided to keep you alive this long? I've heard of you speaking of following him to lead you home but why does he not just leave you to rot?" Vorador stated (AN: winkwink) with curiousity.
Like I had an answer for that, I wasn't even gonna try and stop the guy if he wanted to kill me.
"Because... killing me would be too easy, maybe?" I said. Vorador smirked again. I'm getting more scared.
"I saw him eat the souls of his victims, so it isn't a matter of food." Vorador stated. Before I could blink or shiver or whatever, he grabbed me by the back of my neck and picked me off the ground. "I, however, haven't fed for so long... and a young girl like you is hard to come by."
"Well color me happy, I'm a rare treat." I muttered. Vorador tightened his grip and I winced.
"Any final words, girl?" he hissed. I rose my eyebrows.
"Yes, actually.... one, I just ate a whole bunch of garlic.... and two, I just farted. Silent... but deadly." I stated.
Vorador probably thought me as a wasted meal when I stated that and threw me into a wall. Talk about a change of heart, right? And whup de! Guess who decided to show up!? It was Emo-Man! He takes a look at me, then Vorador. Vorador raises an eyebrow, then crosses his arms and vanishes. Raziel walked over to me and picked me up.
"Did he bite you?" he asked. I shook my head.
"No but he really wanted to… until I made another really disgusting joke." I said. Raziel shook his head and kicked down the door.
"Come on, let's go." He said, grabbing me by the arm and yanking me through the door.
Fun times… fun, fun times…