Quick Note: Hi, faithful fanfic readers! There's not much to say here, I've finally updated. Sorry for the delay, but school's been keeping me really busy lately. There's a lot going on, and there will continue to be a lot going on until sometime in March. This doesn't mean that I'm not going to update until March, I could never put Gundam SEED off for that long.
Now, on to the story and my really long flaming-lecture. You don't have to read it if it doesn't apply to you. Just read and review the chapter, like always. I accept flames, but nothing too extreme. And if you're willing to start a review with, "This is crap,"(not that anyone did, but someone remained Anonymous on my friend's GS fic and started it out that way, and she got kinda P.O.'ed about it, it was really bad; whoever you are, may a large amount of mice wielding celery-stalk swords and tiny pitchforks invade your home and attack your sanity, if you have any at all, then tie you to a tree seventy feet away from the ground) then you shouldn't review it at all. That discourages the writer and people who work on their fanfics are creating them partly for YOUR enjoyment and improving comments, you know.
-smiles- Okay, okay, enough rambling. Enjoy Chapter Four of Going Soft. If you guys want me to do previews of the next Chapter, let me know. I'm kind of considering it as you read this.)
Chapter Four: The Lives Lost
(ZAFT, 0600 hours)
Yzak pushed Athrun backwards, pinning him to the wall. He had a very strong grip, especially when he was annoyed or worse.
Athrun didn't move, but it was clear that he was just slightly surprised. Yzak, what is it with you lately? he thought, saying nothing.
"I've had enough of this waiting crap! The next time I see the Strike in battle, I'm taking it down! For good. And this time, you aren't going to stop me! Got it? The next time we see that mobile suit, whoever is piloting it had better be ready to die, because they're dead!" Yzak yelled angrily, his face contorted into a scowl of rage.
Athrun's eyes widened slightly. "Death isn't something we're supposed to attempt, Yzak, especially not on purpose. Our motive in this war is just to end it, with as little casualties as possible. If you kill the pilot of the Strike, then you're only spurring the war on. It's like. . . like frame-freezing a tape and then rewinding it. The tape keeps playing after you hit the play button, and eventually it gets back to the part where you stopped it. Except there's no end, really. The Naturals will continue to fight us as long as we keep fighting them. Destroying them won't solve anything."
Yzak brought back a fist and slammed it into Athrun's face, causing him to fall to the right on the ground. Athrun groaned and put a hand to his cheek, looking up at Yzak as he stood.
"Athrun Zala, you're wrong! I can't even believe that you would say such a thing! You're going soft! Sooner or later, Athrun, you're going to betray us all and join the Naturals, I just know it! We're just pawns in a game of chess, you know!" he yelled.
Athrun caught him by the wrist and twisted his arm around his back tightly, holding it there. He spoke harshly into Yzak's ear, his breath hot and his voice calm but dangerous. "Oh really? I sincerely doubt I would ever do such a thing, even if it was to try and end the war. We kill because we have to, even I know that. Oh, and that's why Nichol's life was taken, you know." He paused as Yzak let out a disgusted snort, tightening his grip. Athrun could sense what little shock there was when his dead comrade's name was mentioned. "Strike had no other choice but to take his life. It was self- defense. The soldiers of the Earth Alliance are pawns too, Yzak. All of us, Coordinator or Natural, are just small pawns in a huge war, controlled by the kings and queens. You can try taking Kira Yamato's life the next time you see him. But know this: if you kill the pilot of the Strike in the next battle, you can expect a personal argument with me. Think before you make your impacts, Yzak Jule."
He released Yzak and walked off without another word, exiting the cafeteria room and continuing forward, down the hall. Kira Yamato. . . it's been a long time. Too long. Just because we're enemies on the outside doesn't mean we're not friends on the inside. I'll always remember you. And you won't forget me. . . will you?
(EA, Archangel, Cafeteria)
"I'm serious, I don't see it happening. Fllay would never let such a thing stand, Kuzzy, even if it was possible," Miriallia said doubtfully, staring across the table at him.
Kazui gripped his soda tighter. "But, that's just it, Mir. It is possible. I mean, as long as Fllay doesn't discover that they're being. . . you know. . . then they can. As long as she doesn't ever find out that they're in love with each other, then they can have a relationship that's deeper than friends."
Miriallia groaned. "Yeah, and the minute that Fllay finds out, she'll tear them both to pieces. She's already mad at Kira because of that hug he gave Kaya in the infirmary. Look, let's just drop this subject, okay? I don't want to see anyone get hurt for any reason, especially not one that's just a relationship."
Sai nodded slowly, "Yeah, I have to agree. I mean, if Kira couldn't fight because Fllay nearly killed him. . ." He trailed off, bringing a sudden dead silence to the room. Nobody said a word, and Sai began to regret saying anything. He sighed and stared down into his drink. "I'm sorry."
Miriallia was silent for a while, her thoughts gone. Finally, she said, "It's okay, Sai. You shouldn't be sorry, this is war." She stood up, tray in hand. "We all have to make sacrifices, even if the sacrifice is someone we care about deeply. Besides, I doubt Fllay would ever try to kill Kira on purpose; she loves him too much." She smiled, though the smile was only skin-deep. It was impossible to smile on the inside.
"You'd be surprised," Kazui muttered under his breath. Sai heard it and elbowed him in the stomach under the table. He flinched, giving Sai a confused look, then shook his head and took another sip of his drink.
"Yeah, probably," he said, shrugging. "I mean, did you see how Fllay looked in the infirmary? She was having a nervous breakdown or something."
Sai glanced at him. "Kazui, that was no nervous breakdown. You of all people should know that, seeing as you freak out every time something hits the ship."
Kazui glared at him. "No, I don't," he protested, "I- I'm just reacting differently than the rest of you, that's all."
"Freaking," Miriallia muttered in an undertone, taking her tray to the trash and dumping the contents. She and Sai laughed.
Kazui's glare became a frown. "Well, besides, Fllay was sort of freaking in there. I mean, she said those weird things about what Kira did to her in the hall when she had Kaya against the wall. . .she was talking about how he tried to kill her and stuff, wasn't she? Fllay was rambling on and on about how frightening he looked," he finished, his voice serious.
"Fllay was lying."
Kazui fell out of his chair. "Wha- who in- what. . ."
Sai's and Miriallia's eyes widened. Sai stood up quickly, and Miriallia turned towards the entrance to the room.
"Ah- Kira!" she gasped, her hands tightening on the tray. Sai stared, his mouth wasn't working correctly at that particular moment.
Finally, Kazui stood up, giving Kira an uncertain look. "Kira, what. . ."
Kira's eyes were cold, very cold. He watched his companions, or rather, accomplises, with nothing less than a bitter stare. Kazui shrank back slightly. Sai, however, advanced a step.
"Kira, what are you talking about?" he asked the question that Kazui could not, and his voice was strong.
"You heard me, Sai. All of you did. Fllay was lying. In the sick bay." He turned his gaze away. "Fllay was lying," he repeated slowly, as though he weren't sure it were true. "I know she was, I don't want anyone to die in this war. Nobody else." The last word was soaked in heavy emotion and Kira uttered it bitterly, his hands clenching into fists. He was glaring now.
Miriallia set the tray down and walked over to Kira, reaching out to place a hand on his shoulder. "Nobody else? Kira, nobody has died. I don't understand why you're so. . ."
"DON"T TOUCH ME!" Kira yelled suddenly, hitting her hand away. Miriallia jerked it back, and Sai stepped in front of her.
"Kira!" he cried, returning the sentence with a hard glare. His eyes were narrowed. "Where is your mind today? We're in a war, Kira! You can't go off screaming at everyone just because, it doesn't make the situation any better! Mir hasn't done anything. She's right, nobody has died!"
Kira's hands clenched into fists again. "Not by crew standards," he breathed, his voice heated.
Miriallia gave a small gasp, and Kazui obtained a bewildered look, of sorts. He looked scared and stunned at the same time.
"Nobody aboard the Archangel has died," Kira continued, emphasizing certain words. He was unfazed. "But in my battles with certain people, certain people's lives have ended because of me. Because of me. You guys don't understand what it's like on the front lines, inside the battle. The explosions, the heat, the sound. . .numerous people have died. And I killed them. They died because of me. Sure, we've had incidents. Me especially, because I fight to protect the ones I love and care about. I fight to protect everyone on this ship and on Earth. I fight to protect you." He lowered his gaze, as it clouded with angry, unshed tears. "Those people have died because of me," he repeated. "Because of the SEED." The last word was nearly screamed, though the sentence was calm.
It was Sai's turn to gasp. Kazui sank down into a chair, all the while staring at Kira with frightened disbelief.
"The. . .Kira, no. That wasn't it, you're wrong," he said slowly, uncertain if he was correct or not. Kazui looked like he was ready to collapse.
Kira's glare did not soften.
"No! I'm not wrong, Kazui! The SEED is what killed them, all of you know that! Even I know that! You guys can't keep pretending that nobody has died! You- you can't!"
With those final words, Kira looked up at them. The bitter tears were streaming down his face now, and he couldn't help it. He had kept his emotions inside for so long- and he had to keep them bottled up for even longer, until the war was over. It was almost unbearable.
He gave an angry cry and tore out of the room, his face contorted into an expression of rage and sadness. The door opened for him, and he kept running.
Miriallia almost screamed. Almost. She was staring at where Kira had last stood, looking spooked yet unreadable. Her mouth was open slightly, and she was trembling.
Sai ran after Kira, out of the room and down the hall. "KIRA!" he screamed. It echoed, and Sai was sure that crew members in the docking bay could have heard him. But so what if they did; he didn't care right now.
"Stay away from me, Sai! Don't follow me! I don't want or need your help!"
Sai's breath caught in his throat as the last sentence reached his ears. He slid to a stop, staring after his friend and breathing hard, his eyes wide behind those orange-tinted glasses.
"I don't want or need your help!"
"Kira. . ." he breathed in disbelief, as Miriallia and Kazui came out and stood beside him, also staring after Kira.
"He's our friend." The words came out of Miriallia's mouth before she could stop them. They were strangled, as though they had been washed with soap and then dried with a fuzzy towel.
Sai and Kazui glanced over at her. "Mir. . ." Kazui began slowly.
Miriallia's eyes brimmed with tears.She found that she could not send them away, and it was hardly noticed when Sai put his arms around her. However, she turned to him with a low sob, and began to cry silently, soaking the shoulder of Sai's uniform with her tears.
"Kira. . ." Sai whispered again, staring after his friend, "Why has this war changed you so much? Have you forgotten who you're fighting against?"
Kira ran. He didn't know where he was going, and at the moment he didn't care. One question echoed in his mind, What have I done?
Miriallia's words echoed in his ears, as though haunting him.
"We all have to make sacrifices, even if the sacrifice is someone we care about deeply. Besides, I doubt Fllay would ever try to kill Kira on purpose; she loves him too much."
"Fllay. . ." he said, sub-consciously. As if on command, an image of the young, emerald-eyed, red-haired girl appeared before his eyes. Kira shook his head, but the image did not disappear. It frowned.
"Kira Yamato, what have you done?" The voice was stern, and cold. Definitely Fllay's.
Kira stopped suddenly, taking a step backwards. Oh, no. No no no no no. . .
"Kira," Fllay repeated, her voice icy as she took a step forward.
In turn, Kira took several steps backwards and found himself against the wall, with nowhere to run. If he went left, he'd run into Fllay. If he went right, he'd be back at Sai and the others, assuming they were still there. Damn.
"Wh- what do you want, Fllay?" It was actually a statement, not a question. I don't know what the hell you're talking about. Leave me alone, I want to be alone.
"Don't play stupid with me, Kira," Fllay said angrily, advancing towards him again. He didn't move; there was nowhere to go. "You know what you did, and I want to know why you did it."
Kira couldn't speak. He opened his mouth, then closed it, then repeated the procedure, all the while staring at Fllay with wide eyes.
She continued to glare into the wide amethyst, a small shred of sympathy pulling forward but not breaking the skin at how pathetic he was acting.
Finally, he found his voice, as well as his composure. "I- Fllay, what are you talking about?" Kira asked, swallowing. "What could I possibly have done, other than fighting for people's lives?" His voice was sincere.
Fllay stopped, her glare fading into a stare contorted into a complicated-and-very-hard-to-master sort of stare, her eyes seeming to almost glow.
"What you did, Kira." She shook her head, stray locks of that strawberry hair flying though the air and then coming back to rest on her shoulders. "No. No, it's what you didn't do."
"What I didn't do? What have I not done, Fllay? I already told you, you aren't mine and Kaya isn't either. So there's no way for me to break up with her," Kira replied.
He stared at her calmly for the moment, watching her eyes as he met her gaze. It forced her to take a step back, but Fllay was not going to give in to the same Coordinator who had, supposedly, broken her heart.
"That's not what I'm talking about, Kira Yamato!" Fllay yelled, lashing out at him. Still, he didn't move, catching her wrist in his own firm grip. She stopped and her eyes narrowed as she found herself unable to twist away. "Let go of me!"
Kira didn't release. "What are you trying to tell me, Fllay? You're still angry with me because of that incident so many days ago, is that what this is all about?"
She stared at him, more than annoyed, clenching her teeth and frowning. Scary.
"Kira- my father is dead because of you!"
Wham. Instant memories with a side of shock, anyone?
Kira's eyes widened as the scene from so long ago replayed itself in his mind on a countless number.
Fllay was crying into someone's shoulder, Kira couldn't tell who it was. He was standing there, along with some of his friends and others he also didn't see.
Fllay glared at him angrily. "You didn't try to stop them or protect us," she cried, tears forming as she looked into his eyes. "It's because you're a coordinator, too!"
"You didn't try hard enough! My father is dead, and it's all your fault! You didn't protect him! You didn't keep your promise!"
He didn't reply to her comment for a while, watching her crying and screaming at him, his own memory. His own pain.
Finally, his grip released, and Fllay snatched her hand away. He blinked, coming back to the real world and her face. She was glaring at him with her arms crossed.
"Fllay," Kira started, but she cut him off.
"You shouldn't be alive! If people knew who you were, they would want to be like you! All you coordinators are nothing but scum!" Fllay spat, and then ran off, probably going to lock herself in her room.
The real world and the war had come back to him for a brief moment.
Then, just as quickly, it was snatched away from him as another scene played through his thoughts, taunting him. His eyes widened again.
"You shouldn't be alive! If people knew who you were, they would want to be like you!" A voice screamed at him. The owner had lemon-yellow hair and was wearing a white mask that covered his face as well as his eyes.
Kira's posture became relaxed, too much so for it to be normal rest. The scene faded and Kira was once more brought back to reality.
Le Creuset. . .
"And Zaft," he said, speaking aloud the other half of the sentence as he straightened up again. "The enemy."
Athrun.
What- oh. I keep forgetting that he's with Zaft, too. Does that make Athrun my enemy? Does that really mean I have to kill him?
Kira let his thoughts wander away from the subject of the war between Coordinators and Naturals, not wishing to dwell on the fact that he probably did have to kill his childhood best friend, if the opportunity ever poked its ugly head into his life.
Kira knew it would.
Sighing, he turned to go back to Sai and the others and apologize for his rash behavior, and then stopped. There was someone standing silent behind him.
"Fllay- go away, all right?" Kira said briskly. He got no response, and turned. "Fllay, I said go away. I don't feel like talking about- Kaya!"
She was standing there, silent as ever, her midnight blue eyes staring into his with no emotion in them. They were lifeless, sort of. It reminded Kira of the SEED, and he wondered if that was how she would look in SEED mode.
"Kaya? Miss Misumi?" Kira questioned, raising a hand to wave it in front of her face. He gasped as her own hand moved to catch his wrist with lightning speed.
"Kira," Kaya replied simply, her gaze never fading.
He stared at her. "Kaya, what's going on? You don't seem like yourself today."
Kaya stared back. "I'm not myself today, Kira." She let go of his arm, fingering the Japanese sign for life that hung around her neck."I haven't been myself for a while- I thought you would have noticed by now."
Kira started. "Well- I've had things on my mind lately. So, did you want to discuss something?"
She nodded, falling silent again. Remorse flickered in her eyes, and Kira wondered why.
"I- I have something that I want to show you. Do you have a computer or something?"
This time, Kira shook his head. "I don't have much, actually. How I got here was sort of unexpected."
Kaya seemed to understand. "Well- that's all right, I brought my laptop. Um- come on." She began walking down the hall at a normal pace, suddenly feeling sick. Kaya didn't really want to show Kira this- she hadn't ever shown it to anyone. Kaya hated it, she hated it very much. But, she knew she had to show it to Kira, because he was the only one who would ever understand it all.
Kira fell into step behind her, slightly worried. What does she want to show me?
(Mwahahahahaaa! Yep...cliffhanger. HA-HA! Okay, okay, I'm done now. -stares at chapter conclusion- Wait a minute...no! No, no, no, no! Cliffhangers are evil! They must all BURN! -is dragged off by her friends to read their stories- Gaaah...the next chapter involves Kaya's past, so if you've been eagerly awaiting it(or not...), then you're in for what you wanted(or not...). But anyway. PLEASE review, it would mean a lot to me and maybe help me update faster. Okay? Thank you!