(The title appears in dripping red blood. The Halloween theme song and Jason "Ch-Ch-Ch" sound effect play in the background. The title fades out slowly.)
INT. CAFETERIA: A bunch of space cadets (Played by Arquette, Letterman, Shaffer, Hammer, Vanilla Ice, and Jay-Z) are getting ready to eat their lunch.
CADET #1 (Arquette): I don't get why we have the two most dangerous murderers of all time cryogenically frozen and aboard our starship.... Very rarely could somebody survive a Michael Myers or Jason Voorhees massacre.... I just know that this starship will be nothing but blood and guts soon....
CADET #6 (Jay-Z): You crazy, Ralph! How are a bunch of knife-wielding mimes supposed to kill us all?!!....
VOICES: CH-CH-CH-CH-CH-CH.... CR-CR-CR-CR-CR-CR....
(Scary, evil, death-like music plays in the background.)
RALPH: They have unthawed.... Death has come to our starship, Freddy... You can either ignor it.... or you can help me to stop it....
CADET #3 (Shaffer): Who or what... exactly... are these evils?....
RALPH: Let's start with Jason Voorhees....
He was born Thursday, June 13, 1946 to Pamela and Elias Voorhees. In June of 1957, Jason spent the summer at Camp Crystal Lake in Illionois. He was tormented at camp, and on Thursday, June 13, 1957, Jason Voorhees was pushed into the lake and supposedly drowned.... But his body was never recovered.... On Friday, June 13, 1958, Mrs. Voorhees murdered two camp counselors on the anniversary of Jason's death.... Camp Crystal Lake was closed down ever since... Until the summer of 1980, when it was re-opened... But on Friday, June 13th, 1980... Mrs. Voorhees went on another killing spree, killing nearly the entire camp... The olny survivor was a counselor name Alice.... She decapitated Mrs. Voorhees with an axe....
In August of 1980... Jason Voorhees, wearing a brown paper bag over his head, murdered Alice with an icepick.... Jason would keep killing and never stop... 12-year-old Tommy Jarvis killed Jason on Friday, June 13, 1984.... At the time, Jason has exchanged his paper bag for a hockey mask...
In 1987.... Tommy had been mentally unstable.... A kid man named Roy dressed himself in full Jason attire.... and killed almost everybody.... Jason was reanimated a year later and drowned in the lake at Forest Green (formerly Crystal Lake)... And the camp was shut down permanently....
A telekinetic girl accidentally brought Jason back from the dead on Friday, August 13, 1993.... and Jason went on another bloody rampage...
On May 6, 1994.... a boat of high school graduates accidentally pulled a cable that reanimated Jason.... Jason would board the boat and go on another slaughter-fest in Manhattan....
Jason's neice finally killed the murderous zombie on Friday, June 13, 1994....
Then he fought Elm Street serial killer Freddy Krueger and won the fight and was never seen again until 2455, when He unthawed.... in outer.... space..... Oh, shit!...
INT. CAFETERIA: A bunch of space cadets (Played by Arquette, Letterman, Shaffer, Hammer, Vanilla Ice, and Jay-Z) are getting ready to eat their lunch.
CADET #1 (Arquette): I don't get why we have the two most dangerous murderers of all time cryogenically frozen and aboard our starship.... Very rarely could somebody survive a Michael Myers or Jason Voorhees massacre.... I just know that this starship will be nothing but blood and guts soon....
CADET #6 (Jay-Z): You crazy, Ralph! How are a bunch of knife-wielding mimes supposed to kill us all?!!....
VOICES: CH-CH-CH-CH-CH-CH.... CR-CR-CR-CR-CR-CR....
(Scary, evil, death-like music plays in the background.)
RALPH: They have unthawed.... Death has come to our starship, Freddy... You can either ignor it.... or you can help me to stop it....
CADET #3 (Shaffer): Who or what... exactly... are these evils?....
RALPH: Let's start with Jason Voorhees....
He was born Thursday, June 13, 1946 to Pamela and Elias Voorhees. In June of 1957, Jason spent the summer at Camp Crystal Lake in Illionois. He was tormented at camp, and on Thursday, June 13, 1957, Jason Voorhees was pushed into the lake and supposedly drowned.... But his body was never recovered.... On Friday, June 13, 1958, Mrs. Voorhees murdered two camp counselors on the anniversary of Jason's death.... Camp Crystal Lake was closed down ever since... Until the summer of 1980, when it was re-opened... But on Friday, June 13th, 1980... Mrs. Voorhees went on another killing spree, killing nearly the entire camp... The olny survivor was a counselor name Alice.... She decapitated Mrs. Voorhees with an axe....
In August of 1980... Jason Voorhees, wearing a brown paper bag over his head, murdered Alice with an icepick.... Jason would keep killing and never stop... 12-year-old Tommy Jarvis killed Jason on Friday, June 13, 1984.... At the time, Jason has exchanged his paper bag for a hockey mask...
In 1987.... Tommy had been mentally unstable.... A kid man named Roy dressed himself in full Jason attire.... and killed almost everybody.... Jason was reanimated a year later and drowned in the lake at Forest Green (formerly Crystal Lake)... And the camp was shut down permanently....
A telekinetic girl accidentally brought Jason back from the dead on Friday, August 13, 1993.... and Jason went on another bloody rampage...
On May 6, 1994.... a boat of high school graduates accidentally pulled a cable that reanimated Jason.... Jason would board the boat and go on another slaughter-fest in Manhattan....
Jason's neice finally killed the murderous zombie on Friday, June 13, 1994....
Then he fought Elm Street serial killer Freddy Krueger and won the fight and was never seen again until 2455, when He unthawed.... in outer.... space..... Oh, shit!...