Yah, fourth chapter! After this, I really have to write a new chapter of Not Permitted because otherwise, I think Teresa's roommate will go into withdrawal symptoms. It's nice having word again so I can update my own stuff, there's more of a sense of accomplishment to it. (I have no idea why.)
Disclaimer: I don't own Fushigi Yugi
Warnings: Angst. Again. (K.O.T.W.A.S.) ßAbsolutely no point in typing that.
Somewhere Out There
Chapter Four
In the next couple of days life around me had become more hectic. While in the waking world, relatives came and brought us all sorts of food and comfort. The preparations for the funeral were going well, according to my mom who was trying so hard to be cheerful for me that it almost made me sick. Of course, she had broken down on the phone to the florists shop when remembering Kourin's favorite flowers (dahlias).
In the dream world, or Konan, as I found myself calling it, there were also preparations, but mostly for the huge ceremony where they would pick the official Suzaku no Miko. Miaka had told me about this, reminding me that her friend Yui was obviously going to be chosen because no one was better in her studies.
I still found myself unable to tell Miaka what had happened. It may be cowardly and dishonest of me but I couldn't bear to shatter her dreams like that. And then I felt a horrible sinking feeling every time I thought of Saihitei's reaction to it. I don't know why that was but it made me feel even worse every time I almost confessed.
And I wanted to think about something other then the funeral and the relatives and everything that had to do with the real world. I hated being reminded over and over again that Kourin was dead and that she wasn't just going to pop up the next day bouncing around the house. It's strange what you miss about a person.
I missed chasing her through the house or bugging her while she did homework. I missed the way that there was no one there to try and steal a bite off my plate at mealtimes or how there was no one there who would mess up my hair every morning. Life was completely different without Kourin. Everyone was trying to adjust to it but you could see the strain on everybody.
For some reason, or maybe I was just imagining it, most of the relatives spoke in hushed tones about me or to me, as if I was also dead. All the relatives knew how close I was to Kourin and so it was like I had died as well that day in the hospital. My mother had obviously told everyone about my collapse in the hospital because they were always trying to make sure I wasn't standing and that I had something to drink or eat. I didn't eat very much; I didn't do much of anything except stay in my room or sit quietly in a corner by myself, away from everyone.
My mother had told me not to feel alone but I couldn't help it. I felt like I'd be sad forever, that nothing could ever cheer me up. She had given me my birthday presents and I couldn't bear to open them at first. When I did, I saw she had gotten me all the things I had asked for. If only Kourin was there to appreciate it as well.
Life in Konan was distracting me enough that I couldn't wait for night to come so I could see the preparations and sincerely hoped I didn't miss such an important ceremony. Saihitei was often away and always apologized for his absences, not that he needed to, he was emperor of a country after all. But when he was around, I felt somehow at peace.
The day of the funeral was one of the hardest in my life. I watched them lower the coffin into the grave, which I knew contained my once lively sister and I cried so hard that I fell to my knees. My mother tried to comfort me but I didn't feel it. I felt like there was someone who could comfort me more but they were the one I was crying for. I threw my red rose into the grave with the others. Then my parents led me away. I felt like some doll that had to be told what to do or otherwise I would just stand there. It was true. I felt like I might be sick myself and that if I lay down, I could die peacefully.
It was after the funeral that made me so upset. My relatives all trying unwanted attempts to make me laugh or smile. Rokou kept coming and going, checking on me like he was my nurse or something. It was sort of endearing.
Mom had just gotten me a piece of cake, even though I hadn't asked for any when Rokou came up to me with a strange look on his face. Almost like he was scared how I would react to whatever he was about to say.
There's not much more the world can do to me now…
"Listen, Ryuuen…" Rokou hesitated and then went on. "Kourin's friend is here. The one who carried her…the one who was with her that night. He wants to meet you. He knew that you and Kourin were really close."
I opened my mouth to say yes, I would like to meet him. Thank him and all that. But I couldn't. I didn't want to see him. He had survived and she had died. How was that fair? I'm not sure I actually wished that Kourin had been the one who lived and not this boy that I had never met, who had never done anything to me but I felt anger surging through me.
Why couldn't have he have fought with them harder?
Why didn't he tell her to stay away from boys like that?
And even though it wasn't fair, I wanted to blame him. I shook my head, my mouth pressed together suddenly.
"No."
"What?" Rokou looked at me with an almost pleading look. "Why not?"
"I don't want to see him!" I stood up angrily, setting down my cake. "I don't want to see any of you!" I whirled out of the kitchen and right up the stairs. Instead of going into my own bedroom, I went into Kourin's. The bed was made. I fell onto it and began to cry. I just buried myself in the pillows and sobbed.
The pillows still smelled like Kourin and I wondered when the smell would die as well. I sat up and reached over, pressing play on her cd player. What was the last cd she had been listening to?
Dido began playing. Kourin loved Dido. I took my hair out of its long braid and picked up one of Kourin's combs. I began to comb my hair out, looking in the mirror. With all my hair down…I did really look just like Kourin. But Kourin like to wear little buns. I parted a section of hair from the rest and gave myself a little bun on top with all the rest of my hair still flowing down in waves. Kourin liked to wear her hair around the house like this.
Not really thinking, I walked over to her closet and pulled it open. All her clothes were still there. I pulled out a purple sweater that was always her favorite and traded it for my own shirt. On her, it fit just right, but on me, it was a little tight and didn't quite cover my belly button. I looked into the mirror again and sat down at her vanity. There was the coral lipstick that Kourin had begged mom forever to be able to wear. It was like I was in a trance and couldn't help myself.
I was now fascinated by what the mirror was showing me. It was like a grown-up Kourin, it was so confusing to see myself right then. I wondered if maybe I was Kourin and Ryuuen had died that day.
The door opened and I swung around, completely snapping out of it when I saw Rokou's stunned face. Of all the things he was expecting, I knew this wasn't one of them. He had just walked into his dead sister's room to see his younger brother dressed up like her.
"Ryuuen…" Rokou was obviously trying to think of something to say. I just stood there, wondering if I should say something.
"Rokou, did you find—" My mom came into the doorway and stopped short at the sight of me. Her eyes began to fill with tears. I opened my mouth and she ran and hugged me. "Ryuuen!" She began to cry. My mom was crying and I was just standing there still.
She ran towards me and began to shake me, "Why…Ryuuen, why?" She asked me and then suddenly hugged me. I hugged her back. "Ryuuen…you can't bring her back…"
"I…I know that." I pushed her away. Did I really know that? Of course I didn't. Maybe I thought that I could bring Kourin back to life. I didn't really want to talk about it right then.
"Then why are you still trying to?" My mom asked me softly.
"Just leave me alone!" I pushed passed her and Rokou who really did try to stop me but I batted him out of my way and then went into my room. I saw myself in my own mirror. Still dressed like Kourin, almost as if Kourin was popping into my room.
"Hello Ryuuen!" Kourin giggled as she came in.
"Hello Ryuuen!" I tried to imitate her cheerfulness. It didn't sound right. I locked my door so that no one would come in and bother me.
"Then why are you still trying to?"
I hit my pillows in frustration. They're just being stupid. I was just…well, to tell the truth, I'm not sure what I was doing. If I was pretending to be Kourin in that other world, was it really that bad if I tried to be Kourin in this world? I was starting to confuse myself but then, when it came down to it, if I had to chose between me living and Kourin living, I would pick Kourin. It was only right that Kourin should get to live on through me.
I flopped down on my bed and covered my head with the pillows. They were soft and all that I could feel was the pillows and my own warm breath. Who cared about what my family was probably saying right now?
"Ryuuen's cross dressing."
Cross dressing. Big deal. I really just didn't care right then. I hadn't really ever worn girl's clothes before, other then for some comical reason or when I was in the dream world. I didn't even think about it before. Was it really such a big deal that I was wearing Kourin's clothes? And my hair was up like Kourin's? And wearing Kourin's lipstick?
I tried to bury my head under the pillows more, refusing to become a part of reality. What I wanted to do most at that moment was fall asleep. If I fell asleep, I would be in Konan and I wouldn't have to deal with any more relatives talking to me as if it were my own funeral or deal with the fact that Kourin was just not here. I wasn't sleepy though so I got up, deciding to take a shower. I had already taken a shower that day but I felt like I needed another one.
Striping down, I was almost surprised to see my obviously male body. I shook my head at that. I didn't really understand it. It's hard to understand why I was trying to make Kourin live on but I couldn't help it. I stepped inside the shower, enjoying the hissing hot water that poured down me. As I stood there, just enjoying the water, I noticed something.
Something silver that was glaring at me. It was Kourin's razor. I reached out and my fingers wrapped around the slim handle.
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Later, my mom tried to come into my room, knocking on my door and asking if I was hungry, she had made me some soup. Like I was sick. Maybe she thought I was sick. I didn't want to see her face if that's what she thought. I didn't want to see her trying to smile and pretend that everything was okay. After I didn't answer, she left.
Rokou also tried to come in, knocking and asking me if I was okay. I yelled that I was fine. I am fine. Why does everyone just assume something's wrong? Maybe something was right.
I glanced down at my jean clad legs. Underneath there, they were completely smooth.
I don't understand what's happening…I don't understand…
Why can't Kourin be alive?
Why does she have to be dead?
A tear rolled down my face as I looked at myself in the mirror. My hand went to touch the mirror's reflection and thinking that perhaps, somewhere on the other side of that mirror, everything was okay.
I wished I could be Kourin, so that she wasn't dead. I quietly lay down on my bed and wished very hard I was in Konan.
Eventually I must have fallen asleep because I opened my eyes and I was on that bench that Saihitei liked so much, the one in his gardens. My loose long hair, which I hadn't put back up since my shower fell around me as I started to sit up. I closed my eyes for a moment and when I opened them up, for a moment, I saw a little boy crying in the rain.
"No one else who will see me…the real me…"
Then I realized that it wasn't raining and that it was near evening. There wasn't a little boy around.
Could it have been…a memory?
But…I don't see how. I've never been here with a little boy. He looked very familiar, like I've met him before…
"Kourin?" I looked up to see Saihitei standing there. "Ah, you made it." He smiled at me.
"Made it to what?" I inquired.
"The Choosing." Saihitei reminded me. "It's going to start soon."
"Take that for spectacular timing." I tried to put on a big cheerful smile. Saihitei was not fooled.
"Is something wrong?" He sat down next to me.
"No, of course not." I made it sound ridiculous. "Nothing's wrong."
"You just…seem…" Saihitei hesitated, looking for the right word.
"I said nothing's wrong! Why won't anyone listen to me?" I snapped at him. I saw his slightly hurt, surprised look. He quickly tried to compose himself.
"If nothing's wrong, it's not even my place to ask…" Saihitei trailed off in an apologetic tone. I felt immediately bad. Saihitei didn't know. He didn't know all that much about what was going on in my world.
"I'm sorry…my…my sister died and…no one understands." I said slowly.
There was a pause before Saihitei spoke, obviously not sure what to say to me, "I once lost someone close to me." I looked up at him. "My mother and though others were sad…they didn't understand what I had truly lost."
"What did you lose?" I asked, feeling even worse. Maybe Saihitei could understand what it felt like and I wasn't thinking about that.
"The last person who saw me as a person and not just the emperor." Saihitei closed his eyes for a moment.
"The real me…"
"I'm sorry." I apologized. "I'm just…I shouldn't be taking it out on you. I'm being stupid."
"No, I understand." Saihitei said quickly.
"Before…when your mom died, what did you do?" I asked hesitantly. I was looking for guidance in a subject that had none to offer.
He just looked at me for a few moments, almost as if he was trying to weigh and measure what he was about to say. I wondered if I had just asked a question that was too personal to answer.
""I cried." Saihitei began, his mouth set in a determined line. "If I remember correctly, it was raining the day of her funeral. I was surrounded by hundreds of loyal subjects, all mourning with me but I've never felt more alone. I ran to the gardens to this exact bench. My mother always sat here. I suppose I was hoping that by some miracle, she would be there, waiting for me."
"I know what that's like." I murmured.
"I was crying when a boy came and comforted me." Saihitei looked up, catching my eye. "I know that boy was comforting me as a person and even though he disappeared after that, I never forgot him."
"That's sad that you didn't ever see him again. You don't even know his name." I put a hand on Saihitei's arm in a gesture of comfort. I was surprised when one of his hands went over mine.
"I do know his name." Saihitei smiled a very genuine sort of smile. "He told me."
"Yeah?" I smiled back.
"It was Ryuuen."
My jaw dropped and I pulled back in surprise. "Ryuuen?!" I couldn't help it. Saihitei gave me a weird, curious sort of look. "I mean, uh…so that ceremony! That's gonna start real soon."
"Yes it will." There was a slightly disappointed light in his eyes. He stood up, gathering his robes. "You know…I may not be the best person for this job but if you need someone to talk to or just listen for that matter, I would like you to feel free to come to me."
"I flashed him a grin. "Yeah, okay."
Yeah, Saihitei, I'm a guy who cross dresses as his sister because I can't deal with her death.
But it was still nagging at me. A boy named Ryuuen had comforted Saihitei when he was little. Bit of a coincidence. And then disappeared.
Almost like how I just disappear when I wake up…
So…it could have been me!
"The real me…"
Was that weird sort of memory actually from a time before where I had visited this world?
I could tell him.
I glanced over at Saihitei who was walking along with me towards what was unofficially my room, obviously to put on nice clothes for the ceremony. But then I was faced with that problem again of telling him that I was a guy. And I couldn't do it.
I'm such a coward…but I can't bring myself to tell him.
We gave each other our see-you-laters and then Houki was excited to see me and while I got dressed and she fixed my hair, she wanted me to tell her more stories from my world. I started to tell her the Chronicles of Narnia until a gong sounded.
"Oh! The ceremony!" Houki's face dropped. "When it's over, will you tell me more about this Digory and Polly?" I assured her I would.
When I got to the ceremony, I saw Saihitei on the other side and he beckoned for me to come and join him. I was trying to make my way over there when I ran into somebody.
Scrolls and ink wells flew into the air and came crashing back down. Surprisingly, I didn't get any ink on myself, but the other person did. He had light brown hair and was probably about thirteen years old from the looks of him.
"I'm terribly sorry." He apologized as he tried to grab papers and clean up the mess. Several people came to help him and I helped him up. "Really, horribly sorry."
"It's okay." I told him. "I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
"Nor was I." The boy told me. "You must be the Lady Kourin! From another world!" I nodded. "Perfect! After this ceremony is over, I must begin my study of you and your other world. You must tell me all about it and not leave out a single detail."
"Um…" I wasn't sure how to react to this. "It's not really all that interesting of a place."
"I think it is." The boy had a glazed over dreamy look in his eyes. Then he blinked and seemed to come back to reality. "I'm Oo Doukun." He stuck out a hand around his scrolls. Quickly, I shook it for fear that he would drop all those scrolls again.
"I'm Chou Kourin." I introduced myself. I saw Saihitei watching the affair with curious eyes. "I've got to go but I'm sure I can tell you about my world if you really want to know."
"Really?" Doukun looked like I was telling him I'd give him three wishes. "That's great! Yes, I'll see you after the ceremony." And then he went on his way again.
"Hey Saihitei." I greeted him as I arrived. "Did I miss anything?"
"No, the ceremony is about to start." Saihitei had a person move over so that I could stand next to him. I had a clear view of a dais with a fire burning in what looked to me like a big oversized cup. There was a miko standing on the dais with a scroll in her hand.
All the miko-in-training, including Miaka were facing her in a semi-circle. I knew how the ceremony worked after it was explained to me. The miko on the dais was the Suzaku no Miko and to give up her title she had to throw the scroll in the air (apparently, this scroll would never open and no one could read it) and Suzaku would guide the scroll into the hands of one of the miko-in-training. I thought it sounded rather like the part of the wedding where the bride threw her bouquet and was entertained with a sudden mental image of the miko getting into a free-for-all over it.
The Suzaku no Miko threw the scroll into the air. Everything was silent as it went up and for a moment, paused in mid air and there was a flash of red light. I leaned forward in anticipation. Miaka, who had told me repeatedly that Yui was a shoo-in for the position, looked up and saw me.
I instantly thought of how I had ruined it for her. She would never be the Suzaku no Miko because she had touched a man.
Sorry Miaka.
She flashed me a grin and I think she was about to wave when it happened.
All the other miko-in-training had their hands out to catch the scroll. Miaka didn't. Miaka also wasn't expecting it so the scroll fell and nailed Miaka in the head. There were gasps all around.
Miaka sat up and looked at the scroll, which she now had in her hands.
"I-I'm the Suzaku no Miko?!" Miaka goggled at the scroll.
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Yeah, so, kind of a cliffhanger! Yahhhhhhhh! I finally finished this chapter. It was going sort of slow for me. Well, now the storyline is really going to start to pick up and all that. ^_^. Please review, I love feedback.