Disclaimer: The characters belong to JKR. I just like to play with them sometimes. :)
"Moony," Sirius whined from his place on the sofa beside Remus. "Let's play a game."
"A game? Sirius, we're both grown men. Surely we can find some other way to entertain ourselves." Remus regretted the offhand comment as soon as it left his mouth.
Sirius's eyes lit up and his mouth curled in a smirk, like dog that had just caught scent of a rabbit.
"What are you suggesting, Moony?" he asked huskily, leaning close to Remus.
Remus's stomach flipped over in a double summersault. Face burning, he waved his friend off in what he hoped was an impatient manner. He tried laughing, but it sounded strange and forced even to his own ears, so he relented.
"Fine, Padfoot. What game do you want to play?"
"Uh…I hadn't thought ahead that much yet."
"Typical," Remus muttered. "What about Wizards' Chess?"
"Leave it to Remmy to come up with the most boring suggestion possible."
"Okay then, genius. What's your idea?" Somewhere in the back of his mind, Remus registered his amazement at the way he and Sirius devolved into immature teenagers in each other's company.
"Confessions."
"What?"
"Confessions. You know, the game you taught me during Christmas in our seventh year. You said you played it with your mom a lot."
"Er…"
Sirius rolled his eyes, scooting closer to Remus. His face was serious but his eyes danced with anticipation.
"You know, Moony. We turn off the lights—"
"Th—the lights?" Remus gulped.
"—and take turns exchanging confessions. Don't you remember?"
"Of course I remember. But that doesn't exactly qualify as a game."
"So? It's supposed to…bring people closer together." There was a touch of hesitation and embarrassment in Sirius's voice that seemed to call out to Remus.
He sighed. "Alright, Padfoot. We'll play confessions."
Sirius beamed. "Great! I'll get the firewhiskey."
"What's the firewhiskey for?"
"It loosens the tongue so that you can confess."
"I see…" Remus tried to hide the worry in his voice. He didn't understand Sirius's strange new eagerness for this game, but he could tell that the experience was going to be painful. Still, there was a part of him that jumped at the chance of getting Sirius to open up to him.
Either way, it's going to be an interesting night.
Five minutes later, the two friends settled themselves on the carpet of the sitting room. Night had fallen, and the only source of light was a lone candle floating a foot above the floor and throwing everything into sharp relief.
"Ready?" Sirius asked excitedly.
"Sure. You go first."
"Alright." Sirius looked pensive for a moment. Remus couldn't help but notice the way his friend's eyes grew dark and stormy whenever he was in deep thought. "Okay! Let's start this off with a clean slate. I kind of…bought the firewhiskey just so that we could play this game."
"Oh—wait. What?"
"The firewhiskey. I bought it so that we could play this."
"You were planning this before?"
"Yeah…okay—your turn!"
"What? That wasn't a confession!"
"Yes it was! I never said it had to be anything big."
"Alright…let me think…"
"Any day now, Moony."
Remus tried to stall. He had no idea what to confess; he cast the hook in the pool of his mind for something suitable. His first thought was, of course, to say, I love you, Padfoot! I always have; I always will.
Even in his head, the words sounded desperate and stupid. And besides, the logical side of Remus's brain would never let him loose control like that.
He grabbed the mug of firewhiskey from its place near his knee and took a long gulp. The liquid burned a spicy path down his throat.
"Come on, there has to be something!" said Sirius, trying to be helpful.
"I'm thinking!"
"Hurry up."
"Okay—do you remember that Potions final in sixth year? I kind of…sort of…cheated." Remus took another long swig of the pungent liquid.
"You what? Perfect, prefect Remus? Cheat?"
"I know…but it was a day after full moon and I couldn't study because I was unconscious in the Hospital Wing the night before and all day before that."
Sirius had a strange expression on his face. There was something like pride in his eyes.
"Your turn, Siri."
Sirius thought for a moment, gathering the droplets from the side of his mug with a finger.
"I once—during Halloween in sixth year—I hexed Tori Gonei so bad he was in the Hospital Wing for three days. You remember that?"
Remus nodded. "You got detention for a week from McGonagall."
"Well, I did it because I thought you liked him." There was a hint of shame in Sirius's voice.
"You thought I liked Gonei?"
"Sorry, Remus." Sirius hung his head.
"Well, you weren't completely wrong," said Remus, finishing off the last of his firewhiskey and pouring himself another mug-full.
Sirius's head snapped up so fast Remus was surprised he didn't hear the tendons break.
"I did like Gonei…though that was before we got together. And it was just a stupid crush."
"Oh." Sirius swigged the firewhiskey down all at once, wincing at the bitter and burning taste.
"It's your turn again, Padfoot. That was my confession."
As the night deepened, Remus found himself telling Sirius things he never imagined he would tell anyone. He confessed, with a pang of guilt, how he had once been jealous of James and Sirius's close friendship. How, before they extended him their camaraderie, he had loathed them because of their arrogant bullying.
Sirius admitted to having kissed a girl during the time when he and Remus had first started dating. And how, unbeknownst to Remus, he had bullied Snape, even after promising Remus he would leave the boy alone.
The candle inched lower, as did the firewhiskey. Remus soon noticed that his companion was starting to slur his words together. Sirius was looking ahead with wide eyes, as if he believed he could fight off his drunken stupor with sheer will alone. Soon he was so far gone that he wrapped his arms around his knees and started rocking to keep himself sober.
"You look shagtastic, you know," he said suddenly.
"I—what?"
"Y'know." He crawled toward Remus, smiling in a way that betrayed his intoxicated state. "Sexy. Cute. Handsome. Shagtastic."
"Right…Sirius, are you sure you don't want to get to bed? It's late."
Sirius's eyes widened in surprise and he stopped his advance a foot from Remus's face. "Really? I thought you wouldn't want to…"
Remus ignored the sinking feeling in his stomach. "Wouldn't want to—what?"
Smirking, Sirius collapsed into his arms. Remus, startled by the sudden weight of his friend, struggled to regain his composure as he supported Sirius up. Sirius pressed his face into Remus's neck—and licked.
Remus was so stunned he forgot to react. Sirius pushed him down onto the floor and attempted to straddle him; he lost his balance twice, but accomplished the task on the third try. Remus's heart was struggling to break his ribcage. He felt Sirius's mouth on his neck, nibbling and sucking. Their bodies were pressed close together, and Remus could feel an insistent pressure on his upper thigh.
"Mmm…you taste good," Sirius mumbled, licking a path down Remus's collarbone.
"Siri—Sirius, s—stop." Remus's pleas were cut short by a finger drawing excruciatingly slow circles around his navel. He couldn't help the moan that escaped his lips. Sirius smiled into his chest and moved his hand lower.
"Please, Siri. We—can't."
"Sure we can…"
"Dammit, Sirius! Stop!" Remus exploded. Yes, he enjoyed it, but Sirius's hunger was a result of the alcohol. He's stone drunk, and he thinks he wants me. But come morning…he'll regret it.
Shaken by Remus's angry outburst, Sirius pushed himself off and retreated to his former place. He was panting as if he had run a mile and his eyes reflected his chagrin.
"S—sorry, Remus," he said shyly.
Remus sat up, willing his heart to slow. "It's okay…it's your turn, anyway."
Sirius looked at him quickly before leaning back against the sofa and continuing quite as if nothing had happened.
Remus lost track of time as he watched his friend lounging on the floor, the candlelight playing on his handsome face. Shadows flitted across his chiseled features—features that not even Azkaban could take away. Remus started when the tone of Sirius's voice changed abruptly from cocky to hesitant.
"After the thing w—with—S—Snape, when I played that joke on him"—Sirius looked down, talking quietly to his cup—"I cried for days…weeks. I was so sickened with myself." A lone tear ran down his face, glistening in the candlelight. But either Sirius didn't notice, or didn't care. "That was the only time I thought seriously about ending m—my life."
The temperature in the room plummeted with each word Sirius spoke. Remus found himself unable to speak. His throat choked with tears and his lungs burned with each labored breath. He grabbed his knees to keep his hands from shaking.
"I never—never—meant to hurt you. I just got carried away. And even though you forgave me, I—I'll never forgive myself for hurting you. I don't deserve you, Moony. I really don't. Sometimes I try to convince myself that Snape deserved it…like I said at the Shack. But when I'm honest with myself…when I'm willing to see the truth, I—"
"Sirius," he interrupted gently, forcing himself to talk around the cold lump in his throat. "I forgive you. I told you, didn't I? It's okay. I—I overreacted after that incident. Everyone makes mistakes, Padfoot. As long as you learned from it—"
"But I didn't!" Sirius spat savagely. "I hurt you again…that day when I asked you to—to—break off our—relationship." He spread his hands in entreaty, finally looking up at Remus with tear-stained eyes. "And I continued to hurt you, even after that. I never learn. And then"—Sirius sneered brutally at himself—"I thought you were the spy. I didn't even consider—I didn't realize how much I hurt you. And I—I was just a selfish bastard. I still am."
The pain and self-loathing in Sirius's voice shook Remus to his marrow and moved him to action. He quickly closed the gap between them and took Sirius into his arms.
"And I'm hurting you now, aren't I?" Sirius sobbed into his shoulder, embracing him so forcefully that Remus could hardly breathe. "I couldn't think of any other way to tell you besides this game. I'm so sorry, Remus. I hurt you, as a friend—and as a l—lo—" Sirius swallowed audibly. "—as a lover. I'm still hurting you. And I'll hurt you in the future. Because I'm a selfish, conceited, brainless bastard that doesn't think things through, especially when it comes to you. I don't know how you ever put up with me." Sirius was visibly shaking, his body trembling with hurt.
Remus stroked his hair and held him closer. "I've hurt you, too, Sirius. I've disappointed you more times than I can count. And besides, I—I really—care about you. I'm your friend—first and foremost. And I always will be." No matter how many times you hurt me, I'll always forgive you…because I love you, Sirius. I love you more than anything—anyone. You can break me, shatter me to the core, and I'll always forgive you. Now…why can't I just tell you that? Why is it so hard? Because you don't feel the same way? Or do you?
Sirius loosened his hold enough to lock eyes with Remus, who found it impossible to talk with his parched mouth.
"Remus, I—I wish I'd never asked that of you." Sirius's voice was so soft that Remus wasn't sure he had heard right. "I wish we were still—or still could be. I—wish I'd n—never destroyed what we had. Because I still—" He broke off with a sob.
Remus fought down a wave of dizziness. He was sweating beyond reason, but his hands and feet were icy and numb.
The alcohol was finally going to his head, making him bolder than he would have ever dared to be. He leaned in and pressed his lips to Sirius's, their tears mingling in a salty-sweet mix of pain and ecstasy.
TBC…
Yay! Their first kiss. Albeit an extremely painful kiss, but one where both of them are conscious. This is the longest chapter I've written so far…and the chapter I spent the most time revising and editing. I wrote the chap in three parts, and it was a struggle to put those parts together into a coherent whole.
Anyway, this kiss complicates things, not that things aren't complicated already. And don't worry. This story is far from over. Coming up in chapter eight: Remus has second thoughts.
IMPORTANT: I drew a little fanart inspired by the scene from Chapter 3/4 when Sirius corners Remus against the wall and almost kisses him. It's a bit different. They look half the age they're supposed to be, Sirius is wearing pants (instead of a towel) and Remus's shirt is…well…falling off. ; Type this URL (without spaces) into the address window to see it: www . deviantart . com / deviation / 16242415 /
x blue belle x: Thanks a lot.
sleeper6:. I love writing banter between the two of them…glad to see it's fun to read, too!
S.c.ou.s.er.4.li.f.e: Haha! Thanks. Glad you like it.
crescomellonnin: Yeah…Sirius isn't one to be confined for too long or he'll go mad. Like me. :) I'm happy you enjoyed the chapter.
Dollface786: I hope drunken Sirius didn't disappoint you. This was the toughest chapter to write so far, mostly because the mood changes so much. Hope you like it!
firesnake: Well, I imagine Remus as someone who's not very self-confident, at least when it comes to his love life. Right now he's in denial…and I don't think he'd allow himself to think Sirius was chasing him. That's my opinion, at least. Thanks for the review.
MinervaEvenstar: Your review for chapter 5 said that you were wondering when they'd confess their feelings. Well, they confessed a lot of things, but not quite their feelings. Anyway, I hope you like this installment.
Faerie Nyx: Haha! I love having Sirius manipulate Remus like that. You saw what the firewhiskey was for, but I have something a lot more fun planned for the truffles. ;)
mione1: Thanks. It's always so good to get feedback from those who don't usually read slash, so thanks a lot.
Shuffle Queen: Thanks a lot! It's my goal to make this story into just the kind of thing you praised it for being, so I'm really happy that you think so.
unknown: Uh…I think dogs can hump legs…can't they? I don't know…I just thought it was funny. Thanks for the review, though.
Smorefan: Well, whoever said the truffles were for eating? ;) Heh… Thanks for the review!
woelfin-akhuna: Thanks so much! And just so you know, I faithfully update every weekend. It's been a month since my first chapter. Don't worry. I'm never giving up on the story. It's too much fun.
kiki1290: So…did you like it? Sirius was somewhat naughty, but mostly he's in pain. I stand by what I wrote, but I hope I didn't disappoint anyone who was hoping for fluff. Anyway, thanks. You have no idea how happy I am when I read your reviews.
I hope you liked this chapter and I hope you'll review (even if you hated it). I got the most reviews I've ever gotten for any chapter for chapter 6, so I'm really happy.
Later, 'gaters.