Disclaimer: The characters belong to JKR, but the story's mine.
Note: The stuff in italics is either thoughts or memories.
Remus pulled away reluctantly after a few heavenly seconds of bliss, eyes wide with anxiety. His heart hammered rapidly in his throat.
Oh, God! What did I do?
Sirius gazed deeply into his eyes, first with confusion, then with increasing confidence.
"Moony?" he asked, as if not quite daring to believe it.
Remus couldn't talk, but desperately wanted to say something—anything. He compromised by making a strange sound at the back of his throat, like a rabbit being strangled.
Sirius beamed through his tears, a smile so bright that it left Remus dazzled and woozy. Remus cupped his cheek, wiping away the tears with shaking fingers.
"I was an idiot," said Sirius. "I was scared of making a commitment. I never should have said those things to you. Remus, I—I don't want to lose you again."
Sirius bent closer, hesitating a little and looking into Remus's eyes searchingly. After a moment he smiled and closed the gap between them.
The kiss was awkward, but passionate—the culmination of twelve years worth of starved desire. Remus gasped as nimble hands slid under his shirt, tracing the scars that marked his body. Sirius took that opportunity to slip his tongue in Remus's welcoming mouth. All rationale, all logic, all thoughts were pushed aside as Remus lost himself in the heat of passion.
x-x-x-x-x
Later—much later—Remus lay on the sofa, tangled in his lover's arms. Sirius snoozed lightly on his shoulder, the long ebony hair pooled over his chest. The two were still fully clothed—Sirius had been so intoxicated that he had passed out before anything could happen.
Thank the gods.
Remus gently caressed the sleeping face of his friend, his mouth stretched in a sad smile.
You may love me, but will that stop you from hurting me? How many more times can I stand heartbreak?
Like an unwelcome specter, the memory of their last night together rose up from the depths of his mind and enveloped him in its heartache.
"Why, Sirius?" Remus shouted, his face contorted in pain. "Why are you doing this to me?"
"I—I don't know!" Sirius yelled back with just as much hurt in his voice. "I just need time to think—alone. Why are you making a big deal out of this?"
"You're moving out, and you don't think it's a big deal? This may have been just a fling for you, Sirius, but for me it was the real deal. You—you said you loved me."
"I just don't know anymore, Remus. You're making things really difficult."
"Difficult?" Remus's voice spiraled up into hysteria. "I just want a little commitment. An assurance of your loyalty. Why is that so wrong? I even said I'd tell my family. Great gods, Sirius! I'd tell the world if it meant we could be together."
"I thought you'd understand. I really care about you—and I find you infernally attractive. But I don't know if—" Sirius looked away, as if he couldn't stand to look at Remus any longer.
"If what?" Remus spat. "You don't know if you can spend the rest of your life with a werewolf?"
"Dammit, Remus! Stop pitying yourself. You think I care that you turn into a monster once a month?"
"You certainly cared when you tried to use me to kill Snape!"
"That's in the past! I made a mistake. Can't you just forget about it?"
"How can I forget? You punch holes in my heart and then ask me to forget about them? Can you even remember all the times you've hurt me? All those girls—and guys—you snogged when we broke up in sixth year? And chatting up everyone in sight even when we were together? Did you even bother to think how much you were hurting me?"
Sirius looked as if Remus had slapped him. "If I hurt you so much," he said, his eyes narrowing and his voice shaking with forced calm, "then why do you always come back?"
"Because I love you, Sirius."
Sirius grabbed Remus by the wrist and pulled him into a fierce kiss. When they broke apart, his eyes were shining with unshed tears. "Remus, I—I never knew. If I hurt you so much, then maybe it's for the better."
"What's for the better?"
"I—I want to end this, Remus. I don't think it's doing any good—for either of us. You want commitment, and I can't—I just can't give you that. Not yet. I need to think—I don't know myself as well as you do. I don't know if I really love you as much as you deserve. And I'm not going to ask you to wait until I make up my mind. It's not fair to you."
"S—Sirius, please."
"I'm sorry, Remus."
Remus sighed, watching the sleeping form beside him.
"You weren't the only one who was an idiot, Padfoot," he whispered, lightly kissing Sirius's forehead. "I should have understood."
Sirius stirred lightly. "…love you…" he mumbled.
"Me, too, Padfoot. Me, too."
x-x-x-x-x
As soon as he woke, Remus regretted the alcohol he had consumed the night before. All of it seemed to have gone to his head with a vengeance. His head throbbed as if an enraged pixie was trapped inside and was trying to break out of his skull; his stomach felt like water, daring him to try and eat something.
"'Morning, Moony," cooed Sirius, lounging lazily beside him.
Remus blinked groggily. "Good morning, Padfoot—What are you looking at?"
"You," said Sirius promptly. "I love watching you sleep."
"Oh?" The events of last night combined with the look of absolute affection in Sirius's eyes gave Remus confidence—and hope. His heart pounded in his throat as he tried to sound as natural as possible. "Is that all you love about me?"
Sirius beamed and swooped down to plant a soft kiss on Remus's lips. "Where do I even begin?" But then his face was suddenly solemn and earnest. "Listen, about last night, I—I want you to know that I meant everything I said. I might have been drunk, but I wasn't lying—or exaggerating, for that matter."
Remus's stomach felt like a pit of snakes. He swallowed, trying to slow his racing heart.
"I was the biggest idiot on earth for walking away from you. You can't imagine how much I've regretted moving out. I've relived that moment over and over in Az—Azkaban."
Remus's breath caught in his throat. It was the first time Sirius had mentioned the prison. "Sirius—"
"I was scared. I didn't know if what I felt was love or not. But now I know. I've had twelve years to think about it. It wasn't love—"
Remus's heart sank. He choked down the tears that threatened his self-control.
"—it was a lot more than that. I—I think you're my soul mate, Rem."
A heavy silence hung in the air. Sirius looked into Remus's eyes pleadingly, tears swimming underneath the surface. Remus opened and closed his mouth several times, but his voice seemed to have vanished.
Sirius snorted derisively. "I guess I must sound like a starry-eyed dolt—but I couldn't think of any other way to put it. You're my everything. James—James was my brother in everything but blood. But you—you're my friend, my lover, and the only person in the world I can imagine spending the rest of my life with. I know I sound like a stupid git, but—dammit, Moony!—I—"
Remus lifted a finger to Sirius's lips to silence him. He still couldn't think of a suitable reply; he settled for pulling Sirius down on top of him and sobbing joyfully into his shoulder.
Time stood still as they lay in each other's arms, the world forgotten. Not even the pounding in Remus's head could ruin the moment.
x-x-x-x-x
Sirius was stunned. For once, one of his half-baked plans had actually worked. He had gotten drunk on purpose, in order to force himself to say what he couldn't say when he was sober. But he had gotten more than he could have hoped for.
Something had happened last night. The barriers the two of them had constructed around themselves had somehow crumbled and fallen. For the first time in—years—Sirius had seen the real Remus, the one behind the masks, the one that smiled as if they were the only two people in the world.
Oh, Remus…
And what was more, not only had Remus forgiven him, but the man was crying into his shoulder in a way that assured Sirius of his love more than words ever could.
Sirius gently caressed Remus's tawny hair, letting him cry himself dry.
"Moony?" Sirius asked, a long time after the sobs had ceased. "Are—are you okay, Moony?"
"I love you," Remus said in his matter-of-fact tone that left no room for argument.
"You—I—really?"
Remus replied by taking Sirius's face in his hands and pulling him into a fervent, desperate kiss that left them both weak-kneed and euphoric.
TBC…
I hope this chapter wasn't as sappy as I'm afraid it is. But you finally get to see why Remus was so convinced that Sirius didn't love him back…hopefully. Now he realizes just how much of an idiot he was.
And about the memory (the huge section of text in italics). I tried to be as true to their natures as possible, keeping in mind that we all say things we don't mean when we're angry. Hopefully I created a convincing and realistic scene, but I won't deny the very real possibility that the scene is stupid and completely OOC. I'm starting to ramble...
IMPORTANT: This brings me at a crossroads in the story. I know I said this story's far from over, but now I'm not so sure. I can do one of several things: (1) I can end it with the next chapter by tying up a few loose ends; (2) I can keep writing, keep developing their relationship and just basically keep torturing them and see where it leads. I have quite a few issues thought up that they need to come to grips with; (3) I can follow their relationship to the end of OotP, which of course means that this'll end up being at least 20+ chapters long. So…what do you think I should do?
woelfin-akhuna: Thanks. I'm really glad you like it. And it's a bit late, but Happy Easter to you, too.
Faerie Nyx: The truffles are coming up soon. Thanks for the review. Really appreciate it.
Dollface786: Oh you're giving me too much credit here. I guarantee you I had as much fun (if not more) writing it as you had (hopefully) reading it. Thanks so much.
x blue belle x: Hehe. Glad you like it.
sleeper6:. I can see where it's kind of hard to grasp why Remus is being as dense as he is. Oh well. That's my interpretation of his character, but maybe I'm wrong. Anyway, I'm glad you liked the way the mood of the chappy changed.
skittish: Thanks for the fav. And I hope you come back to read more.
S.c.ou.s.er.4.li.f.e: Really? You have no idea how happy it makes me that I managed to get the mood across. Thanks!
Georgie's girl: Thanks!
Youman: Thanks a lot. I'm glad you liked it.
kiki1290: I'm so glad you found fluff in the chapter. And thanks for those really nice words of encouragement. It's what keeps me going. I did email you, but I'm not sure if you got it or not. If not, I'll try again. HUZZAH! And by the way, I'm really loving the long reviews. (ahem…hint hint)
MinervaEvenstar: Thanks! Well, Remus loved Sirius, but he's afraid of being hurt. And you've got to admit, Sirius (at least in my fic) hurt him a lot. Hope you like this chapter. Also, I love replying to everyone's reviews, since you're so nice as to write them.
Yeti Bushpaw: Haha! Glad you liked it. And I hope that you also like this new installment.
Well, you all know what I'm going to ask for. But this time, please also tell me what you think I should do with the story (as stated in the "IMPORTANT" note above). I doubt I'm going to finish it off this soon, but I just want to have an idea of what the readers think.
Thanks, everyone.