My dad something about me drinking a can of Pepsi. Uh, sure. I drink dangerous amounts of caffeine every day just during breakfast and he worries that I'm drinking a Pepsi? I guess since Pepsi sometimes gives me that feeling that my stomach is melting. Besides, I have no health worries, for as a comedian once said, "The good die young but pricks live forever." .

I'd like to take a moment to address some confused fans. This story (and I suppose this is a spoiler) contains shounen-ai. I think most of you have probably figured that out by now, but in case anyone's confused still, yes, shounen-ai. If you are uncomfortable with this, then I suggest you stop reading.

Lady SilverRose: I meant to say something in my last chapter but yes, I felt too that Ryuuen was unfair to his parents. But that's just the way it came out. I have no control over him! I swear! Thanks for reading and I'm glad you like it. .

A note: Ryuuen mentions drinking a 'quad shot' which if you know your coffee lingo (or just are pretty good at guessing) means four shots of espresso. (Its bitter stuff, I have to dump sugar into it when I order a quad shot.)

Disclaimer: I don't own Fushigi Yugi. I do own a Nuriko keychain! It's soo kawaii! They didn't have a Hotohori to keep him company though. All they had was Tamahome and Nuriko. (I didn't get the Tamahome as I think he gets too much merchandising and I think more Nuriko merchandising should be encouraged.)

Warnings: Major angst.

Somewhere Out There

Chapter Eleven

When I woke up I made my resolution. It was hard and I had to swallow the lump in my throat. But it was the only way.

It's the only way everyone can be happy.

I wasn't going back.

I just wasn't going to sleep. That was it, I would let them live their lives and not interfere any longer. I couldn't possibly go back there and continue to hurt people and carrying around the fact that I was a guy. Let them find the seishi. Maybe if I waited, Suzaku would realize that he picked the wrong guy. Maybe he would find a new Nuriko.

A better Nuriko.

I wondered if maybe Kourin was supposed to be Nuriko. She was the stronger of the two of us. She was the more vibrant. I could just see the sparkle of determination in her eye while defending Miaka. I could see Saihitei falling in love with her. Not with me.

Not with the skinny, gawky, boy named Ryuuen with long hair.

It was better this way. That's what I kept repeating to myself over and over again. I would believe it. I had to learn to believe it. I couldn't go back. I had to stay away from them.

I went downstairs to eat breakfast, it was Monday morning. I had taken the sleeping pills and then couldn't fathom trying to go back to sleep. It just wasn't right that I lied to my friends, these people who even though I didn't know that well had become very dear to me. I had school.

My mother and father were at the table as well and I knew they weren't saying anything because they thought I was going to yell at them again. I felt so bad; I just wanted it to end. I couldn't go to sleep to escape any of my feelings because there was bad thoughts waiting for me there as well.

"Hey, Ryuuen, you were sleeping all yesterday." Rokou poked me in the side. "What's going with that?"

"Nothing." I answered softly. I didn't want to face anyone, not my family, not anything. I wanted to go hide in my room and not move. "So…what's been going on with you guys?" There was a slight pause as though everyone was considering what they should say.

"I got that deal for that new hospital." My father told me.

"Oh, that's good." I smiled weakly. My mother brightened considerably and wondered what had brought that about. There wasn't much in the way of conversation, my mom tried to talk about ordinary things, carefully avoiding anything that was remotely connected to Kourin. Rokou kept watching me like I had a terminal illness and he had to be ready when I collapsed.

It's because I pushed them away…

It's like I'm a stranger to them.

Eventually me and Rokou went to school. He kept looking like he wanted to ask me something but I kept avoiding his gaze or avoiding anything that might make him ask me whatever question he had. Was I scared of what might happen if he asked what was wrong?

Was I scared of showing people what I was really feeling? The teachers droned on and on all day and I wasn't paying any attention to them. They were like the air conditioners, just rattling away but you got used to the buzz and forgot about it. I was staring out the window and my hand was doodling a little. The final bell rang and I looked down.

I had written out Saihitei on my paper. And I just stared at it. It was like seeing his yellow eyes. The way he focused on me, the way he would wrap his arms around me. I could just see him, pleading with me to come back.

He's always scared that when you fade away it's the last time he'll see you…

How's he going to feel when you don't show up at all?

I couldn't though. I just couldn't.

At home I sat in my room, careful not to lie down at all. I didn't want to fall asleep by accident. The night came and I stayed up all night, reading, forcing my eyes open. I went downstairs at about three in the morning and made coffee. I drank a pot of coffee, just to avoid the guilt.

You're a coward. You're such a coward Ryuuen.

I can't go back. Its better this way, it's better this way.

Why do you have to keep saying that? Hoping to convince yourself?

Isn't it funny how people try to convince themselves that what their doing is the right thing, even when they always know that it's not? It wasn't right to leave Miaka and Kishuku and Saihitei and Genrou. They were searching for the others, all thinking they could summon Suzaku one day.

But they couldn't and I couldn't tell them that. I had ruined everything. I had touched Miaka and I was a man. Why would Suzaku make me one of his warriors with such a crime hanging over me? Was it possible for a god to make a mistake?

If gods could make mistakes, then no wonder it's so easy for humans.

I found myself wandering into Kourin's room. Some of the stuff was in boxes. That surprised me. It was obviously being done quietly so that it wouldn't disturb me. They didn't want another episode like the one before. I had to go through and grab things. That purple sweater. Those jeans, this dress, this outfit, this one. It was hers and that's all that mattered.

A picture album. One with various pictures of me and her together. Rokou was in a few as well but most of them were me and Kourin. How did she get so many pictures of the two of us? I guess I never realized how many there were. All the different memories. This too would go to my room. Other favorite things of hers went with me into my room. They couldn't get rid of these. They had to be kept so that Kourin would know I always remembered her.

Why did she die? Why did I go to a different world? Why did I lie that day?

Why is everything like this? Why didn't fate want us to be happy? Was there something wrong with us? Did they already know I was going to ruin the chances of the Suzaku no seishi to summon Suzaku? Did they know I had ruined it and the kingdom wouldn't be saved?

So they took Kourin from me?

The next morning I had rings under my eyes and I'm sure it was apparent I hadn't slept. My mother asked me if I had slept alright and I said yes, I had. Later, of course, Rokou knew the truth and confronted me about it on our way to school.

"Ryuuen, I heard you up last night. Did you sleep at all?" Rokou asked me. I looked out the car window, watching the streets go by and houses and people, whizzing past as we went. What would it be like to get to be somebody else? Someone who didn't feel all this misery?

"Yeah, I was just…worried about my French test today." I lied quickly.

"You were?" Rokou didn't believe me. It was so obvious.

"Look, Rokou, it's nothing. Now stop asking." I had said it in a sharper tone than I had meant to because immediately Rokou looked discouraged.

All I do is hurt the people I love.

Another day of school. I think I did have a French test that day but I didn't study at all and I was sure I had done horribly. I could barely keep my eyes open. They were bloodshot when I checked in the bathroom mirror. I kept rubbing them wearily, hoping that I could appear a little less tired.

My teachers kept asking me if I was okay, was I paying attention, etc. I just ignored them, gave them the same answers. I was fine, I was paying attention. The last bell rang and I felt a feeling of intense relief. Rokou took me home but I insisted we stop so I could buy coffee. I got a quad shot mixed with milk. I had to pour sugar in it because it was so bitter it made me want to throw up.

I was jolted with energy but underneath it I could feel my tiredness. All my body wanted to do was lay down and sleep for about a million years. But no, I couldn't do that. I read, I watched TV, I drank more coffee, which I could tell was alarming my parents.

Near midnight that night, Rokou came down the stairs and into the living room where I was watching TV in an uncomfortable wooden chair so I wouldn't nod off.

"Hey, Ryuuen, staying up late?" He gave me a smile.

"Can't sleep." I mumbled as I emptied another cup of coffee.

"Is there any coffee left?" Rokou asked. "It sounds pretty good right now, even though I should be going to bed."

"Yeah, could you fill up my cup too?" I held out my mug. Rokou took it. "Thanks." I could hear him go into the kitchen and then pour the coffee.

"Do you want cream or sugar in yours Ryuuen?" Rokou called out.

"Yeah, just sugar though." I called back. The extra rush from sugar would probably help me stay awake. I heard Rokou mixing the sugar in my cup. Then he came back out and handed me my cup.

"This is good stuff." Rokou drank his and I began on yet another cup of coffee. It was pretty good. The warmness made my body tired but the caffeine kept my brain awake. If I just kept drinking it, I would see Konan. I wouldn't have to deal with any of it anymore.

But then, as I finished off this cup and Rokou was still sitting there, drinking his coffee, my eyelids began to feel unbelievably heavy. What was that? I had drank enough caffeine, why did I feel sleepy all of a sudden?

Then my eyes shot open. I stared at Rokou in horror.

"You…you…" I tried to form the words as I felt the drugs ensnare my senses and I knew I was about to fall asleep. The only thing I could get out was, "Sleeping pills…"

As I drifted off into darkness, I heard his voice, soft and pained somewhat.

"Sorry Ryuuen."

He was apologizing because he knew I didn't want to sleep. He knew there was a reason I was avoiding sleep but knew that I had to sleep. Rokou, I can forgive you. You just wanted to help me.

But how can I face the others?

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Go Rokou! (I wrote it but still.) What will happen when Ryuuen gets back? What have the others been up to and all that? Writing is hard. And I was tired the whole time I wrote this so I was like, "Sympathizing with Ryuuen so much." It's only because I had to get up early cause I had a job interview with the manager of the local IHOP. Woe is me.