Hey guys! Some of the reviews are actually fairly interesting and some of you are very good at guessing. I won't say who or what though. I hope you guys like this new installment.
Disclaimer: I don't own Fushigi Yugi.
Warnings: Cussing, angst, and other things.
Somewhere Out There
Chapter Twelve
I ended up appearing right behind the others who were all on horses so I hit the dusty road pretty hard. I yelled out in surprise and of course they heard me. They all turned quickly around and came back to me.
"You haven't been here for awhile." Miaka got down off her horse and gave me a hug. "Did something bad happen to you?"
"No." I couldn't tell them I had purposely avoided coming. That I had missed sleep so I wouldn't have to see them. I didn't look up at Saihitei, purposely avoiding his gaze at all costs. "How's the search been going?"
"Not so well." Miaka shuffled her feet. "The clue is 'monk' but that hasn't helped us at all."
"That's too bad." I tried to look cheerful. "I'm sure we'll find them soon though Miaka, so don't look like you're doing something wrong."
"If Yui was the Suzaku no Miko, I bet she would have found them all by now." Miaka sighed deeply.
"You aren't Yui." I reminded her. "And Suzaku chose you." It was hard to say these words because I thought of how it was rather rich of me to be saying these things when I was pretending to be a different person.
I still couldn't look at Saihitei and instead looked at Kishuku who was looking from me and then unsurely in Saihitei's direction, like he wanted to do something but was still trying to decide what he should do. Then I glanced over at Genrou who looked oblivious to this.
"We're glad to see you again." Saihitei's voice made me feel worse. I thought I might throw up right there.
"Are you feeling alright Kourin?" Miaka put a hand on my shoulder and I knew that how I felt was probably written all over my face.
"Yeah, fine." I managed a smile for her. No need to waste more time because of me, right? "Let's get going, shall we?"
"Okay, you'll ride with Miaka." Kishuku decided quickly. "Just in case."
"Aye-aye." I saluted him and then helped Miaka get back on her horse and got on behind her. Miaka and Kishuku kept looking at each other and then tried to distract themselves from looking at each other. I wanted to shout that I had touched Miaka and I was a male just so I wouldn't have to watch it any longer but instead I focused on the road ahead of me.
The going was slow because Genrou had a lot of trouble with his horse that I didn't really understand. I was beginning to think that horses and Genrou were just not friends. I made sure not to look at Saihitei, knowing that he would be able to read my face. I was scared of facing him. He knew that something was wrong.
By nightfall we had reached more forest and Kishuku thought we should stop and make camp. I threw myself into helping out by collecting firewood. (I think Kishuku was stunned by the amount of wood I could carry in one load.) By the time we had enough firewood to last us a lifetime, I volunteered to help fish. But then so did Saihitei.
I almost tried to back out of it but forced myself anyways. As Genrou was the person in charge of the fire, Kishuku made sure to secure the perimeter. I said nothing as I sat there with a stick. They were rather crude versions of what I thought of as fishing poles but we had to use something.
"Anything biting on yours yet Kourin?" Saihitei asked me and I was drawn out of my thoughts to answer.
"Not yet." I tried to sound cheerful so he wouldn't ask anything else.
"Were you having trouble sleeping?" Saihitei inquired and I shut my eyes as I tried to think of a reply.
"No." I did the only thing I seemed to be able to do these days: Lie. "Why?"
"You were gone for a long time…" Saihitei's tone was full of concern. I wanted to turn to him, confess everything, and cry on his shoulder. But that was impossible so I didn't look at him, only at the water. "Something's wrong."
"Nothing's wrong." I insisted. "I don't need you to worry about me." I only glanced at his eyes for a moment and saw that I had hurt him. "I'm going to go make sure Genrou's not burning down the forest." I got up, a horrible feeling welling up in my stomach again as I did.
"Kourin." As he said the name, he grabbed my wrist. I squeezed my eyes shut, the pain was unbearable. Saihitei wanted to care about me and I wouldn't let him. I wouldn't let him in because of how scared I was. "Please…look at me…"
I opened my eyes and turned my head slowly. Saihitei was gazing up at me, his eyes were so sad. Vulnerable. My lip trembled and I felt like all my emotions would come tumbling out if I kept looking.
"I've got to go check on Genrou." I turned away. I wanted to scream at myself.
You're being a COWARD RYUUEN!
I was angry with myself. I was hurting Saihitei because I couldn't bring myself to tell him what was wrong. I couldn't bring myself to trust him. That's all he wanted. And I couldn't stop and let myself feel sad in front of him. He let go of my wrist reluctantly. My entire mind was screaming for me to turn around, to throw my arms around him, and tell him I was sorry.
My body went walked away, towards the crackling of a fire. I couldn't see anyone though. I changed direction and walked for a little bit until I was by myself. I put my arms up against a tree and cried, muffling the sound so no one came looking for me.
After a little while, I stopped crying and then went to splash some water from the river on my face. The reflection of me was the same teenage boy that I had seen so many times before. My skin was all splotchy and red and I realized that I had never looked uglier in my life.
I should just throw myself in this river and float away…
I imagined what the water would feel like gliding through my fingers, just letting myself go into the cool embrace of it. Dipping my fingers in the water I wondered if it could wash away all the bad things that had happened because of me. If it could wash away the bad memories, wash away Saihitei's pain. Without me, would any of these exist?
A high-pitched scream made me jerk away from the water. That was Miaka's scream! I got up and began running in the direction of the sound, almost without thinking. I got there at the same time that Kishuku did.
Miaka was on the ground backwards and pointing at the bushes with a wild but frantic look on her face.
"There! I saw a person!" Miaka told us both in a somewhat hysterical voice. Kishuku went towards the bush slowly as I knelt down by Miaka.
"Are you okay?" I asked her.
"I'm fine." Miaka was staring at the bush though as she said this. Then she looked over at me. "Kourin! Have you been crying?"
"N-no." I shook my head.
"Kishuku, Kourin, we came as fast as we could." Saihitei's voice announced his arrival. Genrou was with him.
"There was a person in that bush." Miaka explained quickly.
"No problem," Genrou smirked in such a way that showed off his fangs. "Rekka SHINEN!" He swung his tessen and Kishuku had to throw himself on the ground to avoid the flames. The bush was reduced to near nothing but no one was there.
"Next time wait until I'm out of the way." Kishuku glared at the red-haired young man. "Miaka, what did this person look like?"
"Like a fox!" Miaka answered, but hands up on either side of her head, then extended her index fingers and middle fingers to show her impression of fox ears.
"Maybe it was just a fox." Genrou didn't look all that concerned.
"It was a person." Miaka insisted with a frown.
"Why don't we go back to camp?" Kishuku suggested. "Nobody should be wandering around by themselves."
"He's got a point Miaka." I poked her in the side. "We can't have anything bad happening to our only miko."
"I guess that's true." Miaka gave me a smile before turning towards Kishuku. He blushed and coughed, trying to cover it up. We all went back to camp where Kishuku went to fish with Saihitei after I told him I was bad at it and not having any luck. Saihitei didn't say anything and I couldn't bear to look at him at all now. Miaka went to watch.
I decided to sit with Genrou who was taking sticks and sticking them in the fire, burning them down until they were too short to hold onto anymore from his seat on a log that had fallen over. Then he would get a new one and repeat the cycle. He wasn't going to ask me questions I didn't want to answer. At least that's what I thought.
"What's up with you?" Genrou was looking at me curiously. "You're not all fucking plucky like you usually are."
"Plucky?" I repeated in a surprised and almost offended tone. "I'm fine."
"Does it have something to do with you and the emperor?" Genrou inquired further. He looked fairly serious for Genrou.
"Kind of." I wasn't sure I wanted to talk about this with Genrou but at the same time, there was something about Genrou that made you comfortable. He wasn't the type to judge.
"That's what I figured." Genrou shrugged. "Don't sit around fucking worrying about it, just fix it."
"Just fix it?" I was fairly confused by this advice. Who said anything could really be done that simply?
"Yeah, just be like, 'Oh, Saihitei, I love you so much and I'm so sorry,'" He said this in a horrible falsetto that was actually somewhat entertaining. "And then he'll say, 'Let's go run away together!'" This was said in a much deeper voice then usual. I hit him on the back in a friendly gesture for this impression but I had forgotten that in this world my strength was a great deal more then in the real world so Genrou fell straight off the log.
"Whoops, sorry Genrou." I apologized.
"Thanks a fucking lot." Genrou rubbed his back as he got back in his seat. "You're one weird girl Kourin."
"AHH!" Miaka yelped in surprise. Genrou and I both got up and ran towards the river where the fishing was going on. I saw that they had far more luck together in the fishing department. Miaka was pointing at a tree behind Saihitei and Kishuku. "There! Did you seem him?!"
"I don't see anyone." Kishuku was studying the tree. "Are you sure Miaka?"
"I know what I saw!" Miaka folded her arms. Then she looked over at me pleadingly. "You believe me, right Kourin?"
"I believe you." I did really. I think Miaka saw something. As to whether it was actually a person, I didn't know. I looked at the other trees. But there was nothing. If there was something, then how could it disappear so fast?
"We've got enough fish, let's get dinner done." Kishuku appeared somewhat distracted by something. I felt bad for Kishuku; he had a lot on his plate. Being a seishi, being in love with a woman he wasn't allowed to touch, and now a phantom person who apparently looked like a fox.
We were all trying to stay alert after we cooked the fish and ate them but I knew that no one really thought of the person Miaka had seen twice as a real threat. I chewed on a piece of fish and tried not to think about my troubles with Saihitei.
Genrou had said to just make up and get it done with. But it wasn't that easy. It didn't feel that easy anyways.
We all got our blankets to sleep for the night. As I was putting my down, I noticed that Saihitei was putting his down away from everyone else's. I felt a lump in my throat but I tried to swallow it as I bravely made my way over to where he was about to lie down.
He looked up at me, his amber eyes focusing on me in a questioning way. What was I doing?
"I'm sorry." I whispered, my eyes looking down. I half expected him to ignore me because I had been so horrible earlier. He sat straight up.
"Kourin…" His expression was not nearly as sad as I put my blankets down next to him. "You don't have to apologize, you were right, I shouldn't be worrying—"
"It was wrong of me to say that." I dropped down into my blankets. "It was stupid. Everyone's always worrying about me and I don't know why because I'm not that important…"
"I'm worrying about you because you are important." Saihitei's voice was low. I looked up at him, not understanding his words. I was important to Saihitei? "Kourin…do you remember how you told Genrou that I wanted to marry you?"
"Yeah." I blushed a little and fiddled with a corner of blanket. "I only said that—"
"I know, to get them to return you." Saihitei finished. "I wanted you to know, I didn't mind." My eyes went wide. What did that mean? "But…there was something I did mind…"
"What?" I barely choked out. My heart was going like a jackhammer and I felt a little dizzy.
"When you kissed that man." Saihitei answered and I noticed that Saihitei had gotten a lot closer to me. "He shouldn't have been allowed to touch you…" One of Saihitei's hands touched my face and I was trembling all over.
"Saihitei…" That was about the only thing my mind was capable of thinking of saying at that moment.
"I wanted you to know…I'm in love with you." Saihitei confessed and I thought that the moment was impossible. "I…hope you don't mind." He gave me the smallest, most adorable smile ever. I thought I might melt into a puddle.
Tell him Ryuuen.
Tell him you're a boy.
Tell him now.
And I opened my mouth to do it but nothing came out. I couldn't say anything. I couldn't tell him. Not now. Probably not ever from the way he was looking at me. I knew I should probably say something but it felt like my vocal cords weren't working.
But at that moment everything was interrupted because there was a yell from Miaka that was some unintelligible syllable and then a strange crashing noise and then Kishuku swearing.
It was dark and the fire had died down so we couldn't see at all over there. We got up immediately.
"What's going on?" I asked Kishuku.
"I had him! I had him!" Kishuku insisted over and over again.
"Had who?" Saihitei was at my side. I felt my face heat up as I thought to a few moments before.
Saihitei's in love with me.
It's hard to explain what I was feeling at that moment. Sure there was that ever present worry about telling them the truth but it was somewhat outweighed for the moment by this strange feeling. I felt like lying down and going to sleep and running around in circles all at once.
I'm in love with Saihitei.
That's all I could think. I was a real asset to the seishi now that all other thoughts had left my head.
"The fox guy." Miaka answered. "He was here. But then Kishuku tried to grab him and he disappeared again."
"I'm beginning to really think this guy is a fox." I nodded my head, trying to push down my sappy thoughts for the moment and concentrate on my seishi duties. 'Cause that was the order of priorities. At least, that's what I kept trying to remind myself of.
But he said it! He's actually in love with me…
I glanced over at him, wondering if he looked goofy like I probably did. He gave me a smile and I went bright red. Wow, enemies watch out for the oh so fearsome Nuriko.
"I'm not a fox no da." A voice told us and a strange ringing sound accompanied it. We all whirled around to see a guy dressed as a monk standing there. He had a strangely happy face but I figured he was just one of those really cheerful people or something. In his hand was a staff with rings which would explain the ringing sound.
"Who are you?" Miaka asked him.
"I'm Houjun no da." And with that he pulled on a kasa that had been hanging from around his neck and promptly disappeared inside of it, causing the kasa to fall to the ground. We all turned to look at each other.
"Who?" I finally uttered and the others shrugged.
Things are getting stranger every minute.
If that wasn't enough, that's the moment my body started to wake up.
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Phew! What a chapter! That was fun, wasn't it? Heehee. I always feel awkward when it comes to love confession scenes. I always feel like I'm doing them wrong. Comments, complaints, I don't care, just review!
Oh, Miaka said that thing about Houjun looking like a fox which is funny because in Japanese mythology, a fox can take on the shape of a human or disguise itself. Foxes are supposed to have lots of magical powers. Just inside info no da.