Standard Disclaimer. I do not own FFX or the characters in it. They are owned by Square-Enix. I do own this story, and my original characters. The title of this chapter is from the title of a CD and a song on that CD by Fleetwood Mac. The song Dreams was written by Steve Nicks. Part of the lyrics go as follows: "Have you any dreams you'd like to sell? Dreams of loneliness, like a heartbeat, drives you mad, in the stillness of remembering what you had, and what you lost."

Auron woke too early, well before the others. The Agency had promised hot bathing facilities, and, more importantly, hot water for shaving, as part of the use of their campground for the night. He grabbed his kit and set off in search of them. The hot bath eased his aching muscles, and the hot shave was a luxury he had not expected to see again this side of the Farplane. Bare to the waist, he picked up his razor and stared at his face in the mirror. I look like hell, he decided. Too many nights without sleep had left him with a bloodshot eye, and heavy dark circles under both. Pain, and grief, had gouged lines beside his mouth, in his forehead. The boy is right; I do look like an old man.

He leaned over, gripped the sides of the sink for support, his head sunk between his arms. More than that, I feel like an old man. He closed his eye and let grief wash over him. Behind his eyelids, he saw a thousand images of the woman he loved, smiling, laughing, sleeping, arguing, fighting, concentrating, distracted, confused, sad, tense, happy. He heard her voice echo in his mind, singing, whispering, calling his name in the throes of passion, and just simply talking. She always talked so much more than I; I miss the sound of her voice. He stared intently into the mirror again. Just for a second, he thought he saw her, in the steam. She was there in the bathing room with him, a towel secured above her breasts, in that mysterious way that women somehow managed. The top of her head barely cleared his shoulder. She was brushing her short, wet hair into place, as she always did as soon as she left the shower, because she claimed that otherwise it would dry into a spiked mop. Her gaze met his in the mirror, and she looked at him with such love in her eyes, and such a mischievous smile, it was as if she was planning to grab a towel from his waist and run away with it. He blinked to clear the sudden moisture from his eye, and the vision was gone. There was a pain in his chest, as though his heart was breaking.

He splashed his face with the now-tepid water. This is getting me nowhere, he thought bitterly. How can I go on if I keep looking back? He started to shave. "Damn it all to hell," he cursed, as he nicked his chin. By the time he finished shaving, and cleaned up the mess he'd made of himself, the others were eating the breakfast that Rikku had purchased. He raised an eyebrow but said nothing. It had been her turn to prepare breakfast. The pain in his chest seemed to have spread to his belly. He wasn't hungry, so he went to make some inquiries of the storekeeper. Yuna watched his retreating back. She was worried about her oldest guardian, and about what she had seen the night before. He seemed troubled, or unwell. She decided that it was time to see if Tidus could shed some light into this particular darkness.

When Auron returned from the Agency shop, he told the party, "We need to head northwest from here." The comment was about as straightforward as he ever got, but it just made no sense. It was greeted with universal puzzlement, but only Kimahri spoke in response. "Sacred Mountain northeast. Why go northwest?"
"Lady Yuna must visit Remiem Temple before we leave the Calm Lands. She was invited."
Yuna tilted her head to one side, trying to remember. Then it came to her. "Lady Belgemine," she cried.
"Yes," Auron said gravely, "Belgemine. She trains summoners at Remiem. According to the shopkeeper, the entrance to the valley is now only accessible by chocobo. The chocobo rental agent is currently northwest of here." He paused. "Braska dueled with Belgemine several times on his pilgrimage. I believe he found it…worthwhile."
"Then I must accept her invitation. We will go northwest, and rent chocobos," Yuna said with an air of happiness. She was so astounded that Sir Auron had offered such a relatively clear piece of advice; she would have done practically anything he recommended. It was that rare an occurrence. And, she could talk with Tidus while they hiked to get the chocobos.

The stroll through the tall grass of the Calm Lands would have been pleasant, except for the fiends. The attacks were frequent enough to keep them all on their guard. Yuna walked with Tidus, suddenly reluctant to raise the question she had formed in her mind during the night. She and Tidus had shared a great deal about their lives as they journeyed, she had told him all about growing up in Besaid, with Lulu and Wakka. She had told him about her father, too, but shied away from too many stories about the days of his pilgrimage, about Sir Auron, and Sir Jecht. It was clear he didn't want to hear about his own father, or anything connected with him. In turn, Tidus had talked about his Zanarkand, making the city live again, just for her. She thought that there had been a person in the shadows, sometimes, when he reminisced. At first, she had been worried that he had a girlfriend back in Zanarkand, and hadn't wanted to tell her, but the stories seemed to go too far back in time for that. Now she wondered if this mystery person, and the person that Sir Auron reached for in the night, were one and the same. There was only one way to find out, she was certain of that.

She scanned the trail ahead. Kimahri was leading, and Wakka was just behind him. She glanced back, pretending to be checking the distance to the Agency, trying not to meet anyone's eyes. Lulu and Rikku were carrying on a desultory conversation behind them, but not close enough to hear anything she and Tidus might say, as long as they kept their voices low. Sir Auron was guarding the rear of the party, continuously checking to the right and left of their trail, and probably listening behind as well. She and Tidus were as alone as they might ever be. If she truly wanted to ask, it needed to be soon. It was difficult to talk while chocobo riding. She twisted her hands in front of her in a moment of indecision, then she reached for his hand, and took it in her own.

"Who was Mercy?" Yuna asked softly.
He gulped in astonishment, but answered her question anyway. "Mercy was Auron's lady… in Zanarkand. His wife." Tidus choked out. "How did you guess?"
"Sir Auron talks in his sleep. I heard him, last night," she said simply. "How did he meet her? I imagine she was very pretty. What was she like? Did he love her…very much? What happened to her?" She asked all her questions in a rush, before she lost her nerve.
"Whoa, whoa!" he cried out, waving his hands excitedly. "Lemme answer one question at a time, okay?"
"Okay," Yuna replied diffidently. "How did Sir Auron meet…Mercy? Was that really her name?"
Tidus laughed softly. "Yeah, it was. I think she told me once her full name was Mercianne, or something like that, but I never heard anyone call her that. Everyone just called her Mercy. She used to sing in coffeehouses, and clubs and stuff, with her brother. He played guitar. That's how she met Auron. She was singing, and he heard her from the street, and he went in to find out what it was all about, I guess."
"She…sang?" Yuna asked quizzically.
"Oh yeah," Tidus responded enthusiastically. "She had the most fantastic voice."
"She must have been very beautiful," Yuna stated.
He groaned. What the hell am I supposed to say? If I disagree, I'm in trouble because she'll know I'm lying, and I'm a really bad liar. But if I agree, I'm probably in worse trouble. What if Yuna gets jealous or something? Then he got a flash of insight, and he knew exactly what to say. "Auron sure thought so," he said, with just a touch of sarcasm. Now there was an answer that was totally and absolutely true.

"What did she look like?" Yuna's curiosity continued unabated.
Tidus looked down at her, walking beside him, and tried to think of a way to describe Mercy to her without getting into too much detail. Just then he heard Lulu's voice float to him on the breeze, and a mental picture formed in his head of the three women, and thought that would probably be close enough…he hoped. "Mercy had really dark hair, like Lulu's, but with some gray in it, but nowhere near as much as Auron's has. But really, really short. She hated to fuss with it, so she just kept it short. She had…brown eyes. She was a little taller than you are, but shorter than Lulu is. I guess, she was just…sort of…between you and Lulu…kind of…everywhere…I guess." His voice trailed off in embarrassment, then it picked up again quickly, as he remembered something else. "Oh yeah, she was really quick, the way Rikku is. She was a swordfighter."
"She was a what?" Yuna sputtered. She had been trying to puzzle out exactly what Tidus had meant by his comment about Mercy being between Lulu and herself 'everywhere' when he made that last remark and Yuna's stopped wondering when Tidus had compared her to Lulu and went back to trying to form a mental picture of this mysterious Mercy woman.
"She used a long sword and a short sword together. I heard Auron say she was very good. They used to teach martial arts classes together, mostly unarmed stuff, though. I used to meet them at his dojo sometimes, and I would watch them practice against each other through the windows. They were awesome!" he said, and he grinned as remembered.

"What was she like?" Yuna asked him quietly.
The answer hit him all at once, and he felt like he'd been sucker-punched. He could have sworn he heard Mercy's voice just then, singing that one song from that last night in Zanarkand, "She's a lot like you," because he knew it was the truth. Mercy was a lot like Yuna…or the other way around. He was just too stunned to know which. Yuna was strong, just the way Mercy was. Was this what Mercy meant? Was this what she wanted me to find? I wish I could ask her.
He took a deep breath, trying to find the words to tell Yuna, something that would hopefully answer most of her questions and would make some kind of sense. "I was seven when Auron first came to Zanarkand," Tidus began, speaking hesitantly, still trying to gather his thoughts together. "He was like he is now, pretty much. Walled off from everything…and everybody. A real hard case. I think I hated him at first."
"Why would you…hate…Sir Auron?" she asked in shock.
"He said he was a friend of my old man's," Tidus replied, acid in his voice, as though that explained everything. Then, he added softly, "He made my mom cry, when he told us my old man wouldn't be coming back, not ever. That my old man had washed up someplace, and had tried to get back to us, but hadn't made it. That my old man, and Auron, and another guy had all started out from this other place together, but only Auron had made it the whole way, and he couldn't go back alone." Tidus broke off and met her eyes. "I just figured it out. He was talking about your dad's pilgrimage."
"Yes," she replied. "He was trying to tell the truth, as much as he was able to."

"I guess it doesn't matter, now. Anyway, he asked my mom if he could come around some times, to keep an eye on us. Said he thought that was what my old man would have wanted. She said it was fine with her, so he started coming around, I think every fortnight or so at first. When my mom got sick," he stopped, and swallowed hard past the lump in his throat, "he started coming around more often, I think every time he got a day off. At first I really resented him being around, but after a while, I was kinda glad he was there. We didn't talk much or anything, but at least, I knew he would be there every Lastday, and help me with her. Even if I didn't exactly…like Auron, I knew I could trust him, you know what I mean?" His eyes and his voice were pleading with her, begging her to understand.
"Sir Auron is not an easy person to like, or even to get along with sometimes," Yuna began hesitantly, "but there is something that makes you feel like you can always trust him, no matter what."

"That's it exactly. I knew that I could trust him. That he wasn't faking anything with me. He said he'd watch over me, and that's what he did. When my mom…died…my aunt and uncle showed up, and tried to just grab me and take me away from him, and I remember that I wouldn't let him go until they told him where they lived and promised that he could come and visit me, just like he did when I lived with my mom. I didn't trust my uncle. He was slime. I knew he just wanted to get his hands on my money, well, my old man's money, really, by keeping me. My uncle hated Auron, 'cause as long as Auron kept coming around it meant that my uncle couldn't hurt me or bully me or do anything too nasty to me."
"Tidus, that's a terrible thing to say," she cried, thinking about her own uncle Cid.
"It's the truth. I lived with them until I turned sixteen, and I heard them talking about me all the time, and I heard what he used to say about Auron, and about what he'd do to me if Auron weren't around. But Auron came around every chance he had. He'd take me out, and we'd mostly just walk around the city. Sometimes he'd take me to a game. Not that he was interested, but he knew that I was. I'd talk, and he would try to listen. Until this one time, when I was twelve…" his voice trailed off, and he saw it all again.

"What happened then?" Yuna's voice broke into his thoughts.
He smiled at the memory. "I opened my door, because I heard Auron's voice outside, and I saw the old man standing there…holding hands with this pretty lady, and I almost lost it right there. Never in a million years would I have expected to see him like that. He was even smiling. I mean, really smiling, not just that kind of smirk he gets on his face sometimes now. But that day…it took me forever to figure out that I could see that he was smiling because he wasn't wearing that damn collar of his. I found out later from Mercy that they'd known each other less than ten days by then, but being with her had already changed him that much. It was pretty amazing to watch."
"Watch what?" Yuna asked in puzzlement.
"Watch the old man's hard case crack wide open," Tidus answered with a laugh. "I didn't know it then, but that's what I saw. I just knew that he was different, and that it was because she was there."

"What was it like, then?" Yuna's soft voice released a flood of disjointed thoughts and memories, and he just let them spill out of his mouth without even thinking about what he was saying.
In a faraway voice, he began, "I suppose I should have resented her, but I never did. Not even at the very beginning. She fascinated me, partly because she was just such a neat person herself, and partly because she just changed him so much, so fast. And mostly because…I fell for her just as hard as he did," he finally admitted, blushing furiously. There…I finally said it. I hope Yuna doesn't mind. That part's over now, anyway. He looked down to see Yuna smiling up at him, breathed a sigh of relief, and went on talking.
"I couldn't figure out why she bothered with him. It seemed like they wouldn't have anything in common, but they did. I remember trying to tell her that he was always gloomy, and him laughing at me while I said it; because just being with her made him laugh. Something about being with her…made him relax, or something. It's hard to believe, now, but he was actually happy." His voice wound down. "I've just been going on and on. I guess I hadn't realized…how much I needed to talk about all this."

"Why haven't you talked about it with Sir Auron?" Yuna asked, surprised.
"Are you kidding?" Tidus exclaimed. "I've tried. I've tried over and over. Every time we were on watch together, every inn, every chance I got. He either turned me down flat, got pissed off and told me to mind my own business, or just stalked off. He just won't talk about her, not at all. He even hid his wedding ring, stuck it on under his glove on his right hand, so no one would see it and ask questions."
Tidus was silently shaking his head. "And I'm still not used to seeing him and not seeing her next to him. She's supposed to be there. Right there. They couldn't be in the same room without touching. They always held hands, or brushed against each other, or something…but they always touched. It was kind of embarrassing, but I got used to it. Now, it just seems wrong that she's not there."

Yuna remembered seeing Sir Auron's distress the last two nights. "She was always on his right side, wasn't she?"
"Yeah," he answered quietly, looking down at his own right hand, clasping hers. "Like this," he continued as he switched their hands from a simple clasp to the more intimate twining he'd seen Auron do so many times with Mercy.
"Oh, my," Yuna breathed unevenly, feeling the warmth of the additional contact between them slide along her skin. She had to drag her mind back to the conversation they were having. "What else?" she asked, hoping the vagueness of the question would prompt some kind of relevant response.
"Well," Tidus replied, equally vague, at first. "Mercy sure wouldn't let him treat her the way he treats us. She never let him dominate her, no way. I don't know if he ever tried it when I wasn't around, but I know it wouldn't have worked. She was his equal, his partner. She would never have settled for anything less."

He looked down at her intently. "You asked me what she was like. She was very, very strong." Just like you, he thought. "She said what she meant, and she meant what she said. And she wasn't afraid to stand up to anyone, not even Auron. Especially not Auron. And she had a really hot temper, and by the way, so does he."
"Sir Auron?" That just did not fit with the image she had of her 'Legendary Guardian'. He was always so calm, and so controlled.
"Hell, yeah. They used to argue all the time. It was one of the reasons they didn't go into business together full time. He wanted to, but she always claimed they'd kill each other. Literally. If they got really mad at each other, they'd go over to his dojo and work it out on the mats. She said they never went to sleep angry…sometimes late, and sometimes bruised, but never angry." He smiled as he recalled Mercy's giving him that advice long ago, that when he had something to settle with someone, to do it before going to sleep, no matter how much it might hurt, that the sleeping would be easier.

"How long," she started, "How long were they married?"
"They were married for three years, but that's not what's really important. I think they were together almost from the minute they met…at least, that's the way it seemed. Of course I didn't know Mercy before, but I don't think he was looking for anyone before, and after they met, neither of them even noticed anyone else…ever again. They were just like that." His voice took on a sad and very serious tone. "I used to be so jealous. I never thought I'd find anything like that. And now, it's just so sad. You know, I really miss him, almost as much as I miss her."

"But, Sir Auron is here with us," Yuna said in surprise.
"I know. I guess what I'm saying is…is that I miss the way he used to be." Tidus stared into the distance, then he began again. "He's not the same since we've been here. He's not the same…without her. Now, he's just, kind of, going through the motions of being alive, I guess. I think…I think she took his pain away. Now that she's gone, I think he hurts even more than he did before, inside. It's like he's lost part of himself, maybe the best part. Or maybe he's just lost without her." He paused. "I'm not sure I'm making any sense," he finished lamely.

"No, you are making sense. You've, well, you've explained quite a lot of things that I've been wondering about." Finally she asked, "What happened to her?"
Tidus stared at the ground as his face was filled with pain. "I don't know for sure, but she must have been killed when Sin attacked Zanarkand. When we were at the Farplane, Auron asked me to look for her. It practically tore him apart when I told him she wasn't there. Yuna, I never, ever, want to see that expression on anyone's face again." Tidus had to stop speaking, to work past the ache in his throat. "Auron was expecting her to be there. But she was alive two nights before Sin came. I know she was. I saw her." He remembered that night, the music, the scene in the Green Room, afterwards. "Yuna, he knew, they all knew, Auron, Mercy, her brother, all of them. I know they did. She said goodbye to me without me realizing it, but she knew. They both knew all along." His voice was rising, enough so that Lulu and Rikku heard his distress, if not initially his words. They increased their pace, began to catch up with the young couple. They were close enough to hear his last anguished words. "He knew Sin was coming, he knew it. They both did. Auron was waiting for me outside the Stadium. I swear he was. He loved her so much. Why didn't he bring her, too? Why, didn't he, Yuna? Why didn't he?"

His grip on her hand was like a vise. His other hand formed a fist. His face was screwed up tight with the effort not to cry, as Lulu and Rikku reached them.
"What's the matter?" Rikku asked; her whole body practically twisted in concern at his distress.
Lulu spoke at almost the same instant. "Who are you talking about?" she inquired, in that cool voice of hers.

Tidus couldn't take any more. He knew he couldn't go through it all again without crying. In a hoarse whisper, he said, "Yuna, will you tell them, please?" She nodded, and let go of his hand. He hurried ahead to join Wakka, who wouldn't want to talk about anything more gut wrenching than the latest Blitzball scores.

The three young women watched Tidus stalk away, his hands bunched into fists at his sides. As soon as they were certain he was beyond the range of their voices, Lulu and Rikku turned to Yuna expectantly. "What are you supposed to tell us?" Lulu asked calmly.
"I think I need a minute to understand exactly what it is I am supposed to tell you," Yuna sighed.
"Come on, Yunie, spill the beans," Rikku exclaimed.
"All right," Yuna replied, looking fondly at her cousin. "You know that, after my father's pilgrimage, Sir Auron went to Zanarkand, and that that is where he was while he was…away?"
"Yes, I know that is what Tidus has said, and that Sir Auron has not denied it," Lulu answered, as Rikku nodded enthusiastically in agreement.

Yuna swallowed. It was clear to her that Lulu was still not one hundred percent certain about Tidus' Zanarkand, and Sir Auron's normal reticence was not helping matters. She continued, "While Sir Auron was in Zanarkand, five years ago, he…met a woman," her voice dropped almost to a whisper, "and fell in love with her…and they were married." Surer now, she raised her voice. "He wears his wedding ring on his right hand now, under his glove. His wife's name was Mercy. That's what he's saying when he talks in his sleep. His wife's name. Tidus thinks she was killed in Sin's attack on the city, the attack that brought him here. She was alive and well two nights before Sin came, Tidus is certain because he saw her." Yuna paused, then continued in a gentle voice, "Tidus said that they loved each other very much."

Rikku's voice was filled with stunned disbelief. "You have got to be kidding. That," she pointed her thumb over her shoulder, "big meanie back there actually fell in love?" Yuna nodded. Rikku kept going, she was on a roll, and she wasn't going to stop now. "Even if I believed that he got that stick out of his ass long enough to let a little tender emotion," her voice dripped sarcasm, "get inside that hard shell of his, I can't believe that any woman in her right mind would put up with that unfeeling old grump for five minutes, let alone marry him."
"It's funny," Yuna answered, "Tidus called Sir Auron a 'hard case' too. He said that he watched Mercy crack Sir Auron's 'hard case' open. I believe it truly did happen."
Lulu commented, "And if he truly loved her, it might explain why he's so grumpy, now that she's gone."
"Yeah, maybe, but I still don't see why anyone would ever fall for him in the first place. I mean, seriously, he is such a pain in the butt," Rikku shot back cheekily.

Lulu was doing some serious thinking. Rikku might not understand why a woman would be interested in Sir Auron, but she certainly did. So he has also lost someone he loved to Sin. It is something that we have in common. Perhaps…Lulu wasn't ready to finish the thought. Yet.

End Chapter Twenty