Hey kiddos, back to bring you yet another chapter. (And I'll keep doing it until I'm done with the story.) What will Nuriko and the gang be up to this time? Read and find out hombres.

Ambika-san: Omigod, I totally didn't even notice that and the person that beta-ed didn't notice either…actually, you seemed to be the only person who noticed…so…it'll just be our little secret.

Disclaimer: I don't own Fushigi Yugi.

Warnings: Angst.

Somewhere Out There

Chapter Eighteen

It was raining outside that day. The rain pelted down and I watched it outside my window. I had gotten breakfast and came back up to finish getting my stuff ready for school but then the rain distracted me.

I suppose it was the way that the little drops were hitting the leaves of the tree outside my house. It was rather hypnotic and with each drop, I felt like something was moving in my soul. I could have spent hours doing this but instead I was taken from this moment where everything was drops of water hitting leaves when my brother yelled up the stairs for me to hurry up or he'd leave without me.

I turned away from the window and opened my door, going down the stairs. My brother was standing there and he looked at me for a moment as if trying to decide something.

"You look weird…" Rokou commented.

"I do?" I blinked my eyes in surprise.

"Maybe not weird…just different." Rokou scratched his head for a second as he tried to figure out what he was saying. "You know…you don't look as sad as usual."

I suppose that's true…a lot has changed because of the other world…Konan…being a Suzaku no Shichiseishi…Saihitei…

I didn't really know what to say in reply so I just shrugged my shoulders. We went out to the car and the ride to school was pretty much in silence. I watched out my window and saw other people going to work or school. It struck me as funny how none of these people knew of the dream world.

In fact, none of these people knew anything about the seishi or how I was apart of them. None of them knew Genrou or Saihitei or Miaka or Kishuku. No one whispered about a traveling monk or talked about a great doctor.

It was hard to say which world was real; they both seemed able to exist. It struck me that perhaps I wasn't the first person to go to this land. There were other countries, other people, maybe even people like me who had found a way there.

One might say that perhaps they were illusions or hallucinations that I myself had created but I knew they weren't. Everything was real there, the way a horse moved as you rode it, the way the sun sometimes beat down on us, the warmth that was Saihitei.

We arrived at school and got out of the car. I went to my first class and sat down but found myself not thinking about schoolwork or the subject at all. I guess I'm easily distracted sometimes. I cupped my chin in my hand and found myself staring out the window. The rain was hypnotic really and it felt like a sleepy grey sort of day where nothing really gets done.

The teacher said something about a storm rolling in later and I had to agree, I thought there would be a storm as well. It seemed like the perfect excuse to curl up with a mug of hot chocolate by a window and watch the stormy clouds go by. It made me sleepy just thinking about it. I wondered what it would be like to sit watching a storm, curled up with Saihitei and hot cocoa.

I better stop thinking about that…I might fall asleep.

And somehow I don't think that the teacher would like me to drift off into my own little world…

The period drifted by and finally the bell rang. I gathered up my stuff and headed out the door. Sometimes you want to quickly go from one class to another but you get stuck behind a slow moving group and there's not a way around them.

"I think Keshiki is soooooo cute." One girl sighed in front of me and I wished the crowd would shift so I could get through and not have to walk behind the girls the whole time.

"It sounds like you have a crush on him!" Her friend teased him while the others giggled.

"It's true love!" The first girl declared. "I just know it!"

"She says that every week." Another friend rolled her eyes.

"It would be nice to have a boyfriend though…" Another friend trailed off just as the crowd shifted. I passed by them but as I did, I found myself thinking about what they were saying.

Getting crushes on boys…heh. I guess I'm pretty lucky because I found Saihitei…

Or am I?

After all…I only see him when I fall asleep…and he doesn't know all about me…He doesn't know that I'm not a girl…

My steps felt heavy as did my chest. I wasn't honest and now when he knew he would hate me. I couldn't pretend that I was a girl forever…sooner or later…everyone would find out.

Sooner or later, everyone would hate me because I've ruined everything. Miaka won't be able to summon Suzaku, Kishuku will probably hate me because I know more than anything he'd like to hold Miaka in his arms and he can't, the others will hate me because of the summoning thing…and most of all…

Saihitei would hate me.

There was something so lonely about that thought that I felt a lump forming in my throat. If he left me alone…what would I do? He had been there since the beginning…he had been the first person to let me cry on their shoulder. He was the first person I saw after Kourin died.

I wouldn't say he was a replacement for Kourin, not at all. But somehow, he had made that huge gaping hole in my heart that had been left with her death seem a little bit smaller with each passing day. Even though he had given me so much comfort and had fallen in love with me…I couldn't bring myself to face the truth.

I wasn't a girl. I was a boy. I wasn't Kourin…my name was Ryuuen. He had never been able to call me by my name. He said it once and it was a sweet sound.

"I do know his name…he told me."

"It was Ryuuen."

A boy who had comforted him when he was little whom he had never forgotten. And yet I had forgotten…it was obviously me, wasn't it? Or else too coincidental for words.

Maybe I didn't really love Saihitei…I didn't trust him to love me even if I was a boy. I didn't remember when we had met so long ago. This thought made me choke and I knew that tears came down as I blinked and my vision was blurry and watery.

I do love him…

Doesn't he deserve someone who will love him better than you can?

Someone who won't lie to him?

Someone who isn't carrying so much guilt around?

I ran into the bathroom and locked myself into a stall so that I could bury my head in my hands. What would the others think of me if they could see me like this? Crying over problems that I caused all by myself.

I didn't mean for everything to get so out of hand…

I didn't mean to ruin everything…

I didn't know that telling one lie would make a world of trouble.

All I wanted to do was have Kourin live on in some way or another…

Or is that my excuse? Shouldn't I have been able to see that saying I was a girl might cause problems? How can I be a Suzaku no Shichiseishi?

I'm a boy who caused too much trouble…caused everyone so much trouble…

I'm not worth anything…

I dried my eyes the best I could and left the bathroom, not wanting to sit there and cry another minute. I went to class and threw myself into my schoolwork, no longer feeling sleepy or comfortable.

I pushed away the misery as I focused solely on taking notes and doing my assignments. All day I didn't want to think about all the guilt and how Saihitei needed someone better than me.

At the end of the day, I trudged out to Rokou and his car. As soon as I saw him, looking into his eyes, I remembered that Rokou was my older brother and that in the past I had to rely on him.

"Ryuuen, are you okay?!" Rokou ran up to me after I had fallen off my bicycle and scraped my knee. I was only five years old.

"No…" I squeezed my eyes shut as tears welled up in pain.

"Don't worry, everyone falls down and scrapes their knees." Rokou assured me as he opened the first aid kit he had grabbed as soon as he saw me fall. "It's part of learning."

"It hurts though…" I sniffled.

"If it didn't, you might not remember it." Rokou told me.

It's strange to say I remembered all this right then, after all, I knew that Rokou was my older brother but it seemed like I tried to rely on someone other then him…and maybe that wasn't best.

I burst into tears all over again. Rokou grabbed a hold of me and wrapped his arms around me.

"Come on Ryuuen…why are you so sad?" Rokou asked me in a soft voice.

I couldn't tell him of course. I wanted to at that point but knew he probably wouldn't believe me.

"Why can't I be better?" I murmured.

"How can you say things like that about yourself Ryuuen?" Rokou pulled me away a little so he could look at me with his hands on my shoulders. "You're the best." This caused me to cry a little more but I felt better at the same time.

"You're the best."

"If it didn't, you might not remember it."

"Rokou…" I looked up at him, a half smile tugging at my lips.

"You've just got to be strong." Rokou looked down for a moment before glancing up. "You've got to keep going, no matter what. And you can do that…you're strong like that Ryuuen."

A strong heart…that never breaks…

It keeps on going…even when it bends, like a willow tree.

Is that what it means to be Nuriko?

"You think so?" I looked up at Rokou.

"I know so." Rokou ruffled my head. "Come on, let's go home."

"Okay." I nodded my head. "But not before I retaliate!" And I jumped at him, messing up his hair with my hand.

It hurts so bad…

But I want to remember it.

I was sitting on the window seat, my legs curled up under a blanket. I had a cup of hot cocoa that was being held in between my hands as I watched the storm out the window.

Even though you aren't here…I'm thinking of you…

Maybe I'm not worth anything…but I want to be…

I want to be worth something to you…no matter what…

Is that selfish?

Gah, I didn't know how sad it was going to get. My radio station was only playing sad music and then near the end, that song 'True Colors' started playing and yeah…I thought it would be best to spend a whole chapter in the real world because I noticed we weren't doing a whole lot of that lately. Heh.