Annnnnnnnnd, back to the story! I know, it's been awhile since we last saw each other, but see, I remembered. Besides, this story is almost over…(not quite yet). Yes sadly, even this story was going to have to end eventually. But not yet! We still have lots of stuff to get through!

Also, for the last time, yes, Ryuuen is a guy and most definitely a guy no matter where he goes or what he does.

Disclaimer: I don't own Fushigi Yugi.

Warnings: Angst. And Genrou!

----------------------------

Somewhere Out There

Chapter Twenty

----------------------------

The preparations were a daunting task but somehow, we were getting through them. I knew that Saihitei was the one who delegated the tasks to others and Miaka, as our miko, had to get out there with the other miko and bless the palace, trying to cleanse every inch of it from negative energy.

This seemed like an impossible task to me because everywhere you went, you found servants arguing about whether the ceremony was going to be public, the cooks arguing over what the feast should be like before and after the Summoning. Kishuku and Genrou were constantly bickering about one thing or another so there was also that.

I figured that really, the negative energy thing was just a superstition thing and so one had to be patient with it. I wondered why I was letting everyone go to all this trouble, why I kept putting off telling them the truth. I guess I already knew why. I was afraid. I was afraid to face my friends and Saihitei. Especially Saihitei. I replayed these fears over and over again in my head.

I kept telling myself it was the right thing to do but sometimes, you wonder how long you can draw it out before you have to ruin everyone's happiness.

Unfortunately, all of this thinking was making me quieter than usual and even though I tried to fake my usual cheerfulness around the group, it was much harder than usual. However, I thought with everything else that was going on, no one would notice me at all. But I forgot how observant certain people were.

"Kourin?" Saihitei had summoned me to tea with him, probably something he had been wanting to do for days. With so much going on, we hadn't really been able to see each other. I arrived after Houki sat there and fussed over my hair for quite some time. I told her that he had seen my hair in all sorts of states and hadn't ever complained but I let her do it. I wondered how Houki felt now that it was practically common knowledge that Saihitei liked me.

"Hi." I greeted him, giving him a brief smile before settling down across the table from him. I took the tea pot and poured our tea. (I was glad there wasn't a servant in the room. It was kind of creepy the way they just sat in there, waiting for you to ask them to do something.)

There was a rather nice silence, that I deeply appreciated for the fact that I didn't have to say anything. Looking across the table at him, at his gracefulness and elegance, I wondered for the thousandth time why anyone like him would fall in love with someone like me. The weight that I had been carrying around about being male came back to me full force and I suddenly felt too sick to drink any tea.

"I've noticed that you've been…" Saihitei trailed off and I knew he was trying to ask me something I didn't want to have to answer. "Have you been…are you alright?"

"I'm fine." I faked my most cheerful look, trying to gather myself up, and push away the sick feelings. "All this hustle and bustle can really take it out of a person!" I forced myself to laugh.

"I thought maybe something happened to you in the other world." Saihitei offered.

"Nope, nothing." I put the cup of tea to my lips, even though I didn't want anymore. I just wanted to avoid answering questions.

There was a pause. I knew that Saihitei didn't believe me in that small amount of silence. It felt so hopeless and all I could do was sit there, thinking of what I could possibly do to remedy the situation.

"Are you sure, Kourin?" Saihitei asked slowly and quietly.

It's like he knows.

I can't tell him. I can't. I can't.

I'm not strong enough to face that.

Why did he have to ask me? Why did he have to make me confront this right now? I closed my eyes for a moment, wishing I could just will myself awake at that moment. Vanish, and not have to continue the conversation.

"I'm fine, how many times do I have to say that?" I looked away from him. Knowing that if he looked into my eyes, I wouldn't be able to lie to him.

"Kourin…" Saihitei trailed off. "I was just—"

If you tell him, he'll hate you.

"Bugging me." I cut him off, getting up. "I told you I'm fine. If you're just going to sit here and ask me over and over again, then I'm leaving."

I didn't want to say those things. I wanted to burst into tears and tell him and many other things that I just couldn't find the courage to do. I was trying to hide behind being Kourin. Look at this mask, not at me.

"Kourin!" Saihitei started to get up and I bolted for the door, opening it and running out. I felt tears start to come down my cheeks. It was so stupid. I was so stupid. I should have told him the truth from the beginning.

But then he wouldn't have fallen in love with you…

Isn't that why you won't tell him?

I can't. I just can't.

I tripped, falling on my knees. Instead of getting up, I pushed myself over until my back was against the building. I just didn't know what to do anymore. Maybe this does make me a coward. And for the thousandth time I wondered if Suzaku made some mistake by picking me to be a seishi.

"Hey, what the fuck is up with you?" I looked up to see Genrou standing there, looking the closest to concerned I had ever seen him.

"Nothing." I wiped my eyes hastily. "I just…" I couldn't think of a plausible excuse. "What are you doing?"

"Nothing." Genrou sat down next to me, something I hadn't been expecting. "Are you sure you're alright? You look like shit."

"Thanks." There was something refreshing about Genrou's bluntness. "I'm alright, I think." Other than saying awful things to Saihitei. He probably hated me now. I was always running away from him or something to that effect. How could he possibly love me? "I kind of just had a fight with Saihitei."

"So you aren't alright." Genrou gave me a sideways glance that made it seem like I had deliberately been trying to trick him. "What the fuck happened?"

"I don't want to talk about it." I shook my head.

"Fucking typical." Genrou snorted. "You don't really think much of yourself, do you?"

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"You never fucking talk about yourself. Like you don't think you matter or some other stupid shit." Genrou rolled his eyes at me. "You would think being a seishi would help, but it doesn't."

"I don't think Suzaku made the right choice when it comes to me." I confessed.

"That's the dumbest fucking thing I've ever heard." Genrou looked at me angrily. "You've done all sorts of stuff for Miaka and the rest of us. Where the fuck would we be without you? I'd still be sitting on that moment, fucking wasting my life. I don't see how you can talk about yourself like that. But I guess girls are like that…"

"Genrou…" I couldn't really express my gratitude in words. In his own very strange and unique way, Genrou had just said a very wonderful thing to me. Tears started to well up in my eyes. Maybe I needed to hear these things. Maybe we all do at one time or another.

"Don't get all fucking mushy on me." Genrou shoved my arm playfully. "Saihitei and you will make up anyways. Don't see what you're fucking worried about." Then he cleared his throat, glanced around conspiratorially and then leaned in very close. "Hey…I have something to ask you."

"What?" I blinked at the abrupt change of subject.

"You can't fucking tell anybody I asked you—especially not Kishuku, he'll make fun of me." Genrou looked around again, as though he expected someone to pop out of the bushes.

"Okay, I won't tell anyone." I wondered what the hell could be such a big deal.

"What do you do when you like someone?" Genrou's face went bright red as he said this. I laughed out loud.

"Fucking forget it." Genrou looked irritated with me and he continued to glow with embarrassment.

"No, I'm sorry." I apologized. "You just looked so serious, I thought it was about something else."

"Oh." Genrou looked away from me. "So…"

"Who is it?" I inquired. I had to know what sort of person my bandit friend might fall for.

"I'm not telling you." Genrou folded his arms stubbornly.

"Fine." I tried to think but nothing came to mind. "Well…I guess, when you like someone—"

"What are you two talking about?" Houjun came around the corner and Genrou nearly jumped out of his skin.

"Nothing!" He yelped. "I was just leaving!" And with that, he got up and practically ran in the opposite direction.

That was weird. I guess he really doesn't want anyone to know.

I glanced over at Houjun, who was looking a bit surprised still.

Unless…

----------------------

Funnily enough, during Genrou and Ryuuen's talk, that song "Praise You" by Fatboy Slim started playing. (I have to praise you like I should…) I think they're pretty good friends. But of course, Ryuuen's angst continues…Will it never end??? Tune in next time! For stuff!