I've could have sworn I started this chapter but then my computer files said no, no I hadn't. Now, I must finish writing this story! Argh! Go Jade! Go! This story has just been going on for so long, mostly due to a) Laziness and b) Technical Computer Problems. Mostly just A though.

And to Those of You Who Figured Out Who Tasuki Likes: I love that pairing too!

Disclaimer: I don't own Fushigi Yugi. (Oh gods how I've tried!)

Warnings: Don't look a gift horse in the mouth. (I love that saying though it does prompt one to say, "What the HELL is a gift horse?")

Note: I got the Summoning speech off a website, I think it's accurate and if not, we'll call it a "matter of translation" or, "You can't technically prove me wrong so neener-neener!"

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Somewhere Out There

Chapter Twenty-One

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This was it. This was the Summoning Ceremony of Suzaku. My whole body felt like it was made of lead as we walked towards the shrine. Miaka, in her full ceremonial garb looked wonderful, like she really was the bridge to the heavens. The others looked excited and happy.

This was what we had worked for. The reason we had banded together. I felt like I might throw up. I wanted to wake up but knew I would not be so lucky. To just wake up and vanish and never go back.

But then…I looked over at Saihitei. He was looking forward and I remembered our fight again. It wasn't really a fight. It was just me freaking out because he knew something was wrong and wouldn't tell him because…well, I don't know why. I was being stubborn…just like with my family. But I couldn't sit there and keep refusing the help that was being offered to me. Or maybe I was trying to prove I could.

We walked up the stone steps, Genrou cracking a joke about something (he was dealing with his nerves by being far more loud and obnoxious than usual) and Saihitei gave him an encouraging smile. It was supposed to be a joyous occasion.

It was supposed to be.

We were all put on specific points on the floor around the main alter where a huge bowl of oil was burning brightly. The room was beginning to fill with smoke, which stung my eyes. Miaka was holding the scroll that had nailed her in the head on that memorable day, so long ago.

It's not going to work. I have to say it. I have to tell them…

Suzaku won't be summoned…we can't save the kingdom…

She walked up the steps to the large burning bowl in the middle of the room. We were also supposed to meditate and focus all our powers on her but I couldn't help it. I couldn't see how anyone could empty their minds at this moment.

It's not going to work.

It's not going to work.

"I summon all the great forces of Justice, Faith, and Good Will from the Four Corners of Heaven and the Four Quarters of the Earth to call on you, the Divine Suzaku…" Miaka began to recite.

I glanced around to see that Genrou had one eye open, but as soon as he spotted me, it snapped shut. I knew it would take a lot of effort for Genrou to sit there and meditate quietly. Everyone else was concentrating hard and even Miaka had lost her usual silliness. She was a real priestess.

But none of that matters now…nothing's going to come…they can't summon Suzaku…

"We ask that you descend from the Seven Constellations to the Earth, to protect us, and destroy all evil with your divine powers for the sake of the people who worship you." Miaka went on. An enormous weight was weighing down on me. All the hopes of the country rested on this and I had ruined it.

I have to tell them…I have to stop them…

Why hadn't I just told the truth from the beginning? Would any of this have ever happened? But then how would I have saved Miaka those times? I didn't understand whether this was all meant to be or if I had ruined it. But part of me felt as though if I didn't say it now, I never would.

"We summon you thus! Descend upon us from the Heavens!" Miaka finished and was about to throw the scroll into the fire when I could bear it no longer.

"STOP!" I yelled. Miaka turned towards me with wide eyes, obviously shocked by this yell. There was a moment of silence where all that could be heard was the crackling of the flames. Everyone was staring at me, everyone was expecting something from me. And I had to give it to them. "It's…it's not going to work! Suzaku can't be summoned!"

"Why not?" Miaka asked, starting towards me, looking concerned. "What's wrong Kourin?"

"Yeah, why?" Kishuku prompted me.

"Because…because…" I squeezed my eyes shut for a moment, trying to will it all away. They opened again and blurred with tears when I realized I really had to do it. I really had to tell them. "Because I'm a man!"

I turned away from their shocked faces and ran towards the doors to the shrines, ignoring the shouts of my name as I burst through them. Now they knew. Now they knew everything. I couldn't take the looks on their faces. I just couldn't. Kishuku would hate me because this whole time I had been able to touch Miaka and he couldn't even brush up against her. Saihitei would hate me because he thought he was in love with a girl named Kourin. Genrou would hate me for tricking him. They'd all hate me for tricking them.

I went running through the grounds, and got half way across a bridge before sinking down against the banister and putting my head in my arms. I had really done it now.

I just wanted Kourin to go on…

But Kourin wouldn't want to be a lie…

Would she?

Why did you die and leave me here like this to sort things out?

Maybe I would wake up before they found me. Maybe I could just run and hide in my own world forever.

You've been hiding behind Kourin's death…

"Kourin!" The yell startled me and I saw them all running towards me. I had to get up, I had to get away. I tried to get up but I slid and fell right back down. They were all around me, I couldn't escape now. What would they do to me now that they knew?

There was a hand in front of me, and it took a moment to realize that this hand was to help me up, to put me on my feet. I looked up to see Saihitei offering it to me. His yellow eyes full of nothing but what I can only describe as love. I didn't understand. How could he look at me like that? I took his hand tentatively and was practically lifted to my feet. Wasn't I supposed to be the strongest one?

They were all looking at me and then I was caught off guard by Saihitei suddenly hugging me to him. I was standing there, my hands at my sides, too frozen to hug him back, but I was still filled with confusion. What was going on? Why was he hugging me?

"Thank you." He whispered into my ear. "Thank you."

Why was he thanking me? Was this some elaborate dream? Was this some hallucination? That instead of being revolted or disgusted with me, he was thanking me? I just didn't understand.

He pulled away from me and smiled a little.

"Wha—?" I began but he put one of his hands on my shoulder.

"I already knew." Saihitei explained in his gentle, soothing voice. "I already knew that you were a man. I've been waiting for you to tell me." I was still too amazed to say anything. All I could do was stand there in that same position.

"You already knew!" Miaka's mouth dropped open.

"I've known since he first arrived here." Saihitei looked apologetic. "I saw that light and rushed over to find him in the Gardens. I discovered he was a boy right there. Besides, we've met before."

"What the fuck is going on?" Genrou looked ready to throw his hands up in frustration. "Kourin's a man! And you've known! Why the fuck didn't you tell us that before?"

"Let's try—" Houjun was cut off by Kishuku.

"What about Miaka! She's a Priestess! And Kourin…" He looked horrified.

"Let's try to calm down." Houjun spoke quickly so that no one could cut him off. "And talk about this, from the beginning please." For some reason, everyone decided that we should sit down right there on the bridge and have this important discussion. It was convenient but it was an odd place to have a conference.

"It's really quite simple. I met Kourin, that is to say, Ryuuen—" Saihitei was interrupted by Genrou.

"Ryuuen! Now you don't even have the same fucking name! Shit." Genrou looked like he could not take too many more revelations today.

"Ryuuen's my real name." I spoke quietly, not quite meeting anyone's eyes. "Kourin's my little sister's name."

"As I was saying," Saihitei shot Genrou a slightly annoyed look. "I met Ryuuen when we were both children. I always thought that Ryuuen was a figment of my imagination, because of the sadness that had come over me when my mother died. But then, years later, I saw a bright light and discovered Ryuuen to be back, in my gardens. At first I was confused as to why Ryuuen claimed to be a woman named Kourin, but I was hoping he would tell me."

"I didn't know…" I shook my head. "I didn't know it would get like this. My little sister…she…she's dead. She died, just before I came back here—I didn't remember meeting Saihitei, even though I think I do now. I loved her…more than anything in the world and suddenly she was gone. I wanted her to live on; to live through me…it wasn't fair that she died." Tears sprang into my eyes again. It hadn't been fair. I was looking at them fiercely, as though challenging them to disagree. "But then I accidentally helped Miaka up before I knew that she couldn't touch any males. I thought that I had ruined Miaka's chances of becoming the Suzaku no Miko."

"But you didn't." Houjun put in, a hand going to my arm. "You didn't say anything after that because you were scared of what might happened and everyone thought you were a girl…"

"I should have told you. You all trusted me." I felt so ashamed.

"I still trust you." Kishuku spoke up and I looked at him. He was looking at me with an unwavering expression and I knew that he really did trust me. Even now. "I know you're a good person, I know that you wouldn't do anything deliberately to hurt anyone. That's just not you. I just wish you would have told us all sooner."

"I thought you were a crazy fucking woman when I first met you." Genrou seemed to be gathering his thoughts. "But now I know you're just a crazy fucking guy. I still like ya…" He looked at me and then looked at Houjun for a moment and then closed his mouth. "Don't fucking scare us like that by just running away, gave me a fucking heart attack…"

"You could have at least told me!" Miaka folded her arms and I could tell she was only pretended to be mad.

"Mi-a-ka." I said her name in syllables and she turned at me with a huge grin.

"I feel terrible though that you didn't tell me! What kind of priestess am I if I couldn't, oh, I don't know, sense it or something!" She looked exasperated. "I don't understand why I was chosen! Especially now…I mean, I had been touched by a guy."

"Well," All eyes went to Houjun. "The law says that a priestess must never know a man's touch. This might have been taken literally rather than generally. After all, from the order of events we know that Ryuuen had physical contact with Miaka before she was chosen as the Priestess of Suzaku. This means that as long as the priestess is a virgin, I'm sure we'll be fine."

"Do you know what this means!" Kishuku leapt to his feet. We all stared at him like he had just grown another head. He took a few steps until he was standing right in front of Miaka and before anyone knew it, had dropped to his knees and wrapped his arms around her.

There was some clapping and whistling (Genrou was mostly responsible for it). I beamed at the two of them. They finally got what they wanted. I turned to Saihitei and saw that he was looking back at me, with the same message that I was trying to convey to him.

"I thought everyone would hate me." I confessed to him quietly.

"But no matter what, I love you." Saihitei's hand went to cup my chin. "You love me for who I am, so the only love I can give back is just that. I love you for who you are."

"I'm sorry I didn't trust you." I closed my eyes, shutting out the sight of those beautiful amber eyes that were staring straight into me. "You've been nothing but there for me…" Saihitei leaned forward and kissed me. I had finally done it. And everything hadn't been ruined.

We would summon Suzaku and save the country. Everything was perfect. When our kiss ended, I saw Tamahome and Miaka looking as though they'd never be separated again, Myojuan petting Tama-neko, who had jumped into his lap, Genrou flushing a deep red color as Houjun put a hand on his shoulder, and Koutoku…

Koutoku was standing there, his flute in hand. He had the strangest expression on his face.

Is something wrong with him?

"Koutoku…" I begin but I'm not sure how to finish.

"You have revealed yourself and so now, I will reveal myself." Koutoku told us with a look on his face that I immediately didn't like. "Yes, it might be possible for you to summon Suzaku—or, it was. But now you never will."

"Why do you say that?" I asked in alarm.

"Because I'm not one of the Suzaku no Shichiseishi." Koutoku spoke in a tone that held an arrogant quality to it.

"What?" Kishuku was on his feet, as were the rest of us. "You…you have a mark! Just like the rest of us…"

"It's a fake." Koutoku replied in an unwavering voice.

"Then what are you really?" Myojuan questioned sharply.

"I'm a Seiryuu no Shichiseishi." Koutoku stated.

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Dun, dun, DUN! (I'm so helpful.) Of course, I'm sure a lot of you saw that coming. And I'm so happy that Ryuuen got to confess. I'd do a victory dance but it's like five in the morning and I need to go to bed. Toodles! Please review!