Blah. I know I haven't updated in FOREVER and I'm sorreh. But it's okay, I'll make up for it by trying to update twice tonight.
Disclaimer: All Degrassi characters and already existing plotlines belong to Canada. And "Coma White" belongs to the genious Marilyn Manson. "Konstantine" belongs to Something Corporate.
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I climbed out of Marco's car, smiling at him. "Thanks for bringing me, Marco. I mean, it was brutally out of your way --"
"Ellie, honey, don't worry! I want to see this movie anyways," Marco smiled. "And is there a reason you want to see -- let me check -- Elimination Round Fifteen?" He chuckled.
"Nope," I muttered. It was because of Paige. She was working, and if things went my way I wouldn't have to go see that damn movie. And then I saw him.
Sean was standing in front of the register with Jay, who was pleasanty troubling Paige.
And then Alex showed up behind Paige. "I think you should leave, Jay," she muttered.
"I think you should shut the fuck up!" Jay yelled, pointing at her.
I grabbed Marco's hand and pulled him up to the register. "Fuck off, Jay. Alex didn't do anything," I said sternly, standing at my full height.
Sean shook with anger, grabbed Jay, and walked back into the rest of the mall.
"Thanks, Elle," Paige said.
Alex nodded.
"No problem," I replied. "I'd like some Skittles, Waigey."
Paige blushed bright red.
"Waigey?" Alex laughed. "No shit..." She laughed some more, then went to work on another customer's popcorn.
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Paige's POV
"A pill to make you numb; a pill to make you dumb...erm... All the drugs in this world can't save her from herself," Ellie said simply.
"What?" I laughed, throwing a pillow so hard at her that she fell off of her bed.
"Fuck," she muttered, both of her hands over the area were her hip bone poked her skin. She looked up at me, her eyes filled with emotion.
"Oh shit," I cried, getting down on the floor with her.
"I'm fine," Ellie replied, standing up and sitting back on the bed. "And the line I just said before you brutally knocked me off the bed were Marilyn Manson lyrics."
I nodded. "Oh. Elle, I'm sorry. Will a kiss fix it?"
She nodded as I kissed her lips. "It doesn't hurt anymore," she said into my mouth.
I snorted.
"My konstantine comes walking down the stairs...doesn't she look good...standing in her underwear?" the stereo sang as Ellie and I intertwined our fingers and became involved in a full-blown make-out session.
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Ellie's POV
I looked at my hip bone in the mirror. There was a bruise where the bone poked up to the surface of my skin. I lifted my shirt and counted my ribs. Then I smiled and went to the bathroom.
I sat on my feet, leaning into the Porcelin Goddess. I stuck my middle finger and my pointer finger down my throat, vomitingd up everything I had eaten that day. I brushed my teeth and went to the computer.
As I was poking around self-mutilation websites, I found this:
WARNING....before you make that first cut remember. You will enjoy this. You will find the blood and pain release addictive. Even though you think you can make a few tiny cuts that aren't deep and will heal easily ...they will get deeper. They will scar. They will take sometimes months to heal!!! And years for the scars to fade! IF you think you can limit the cutting to one area of your body think again...it will spread when you run out of skin. Be prepared to withdraw from others and live in a constant state of shame. Even if you are the most honest person ever to live ....you will find yourself lying to the people you love. You will jerk back from your friends when they touch you as if their hands were dipped in poison. You will be terrified that they will feel something under the cloth of your shirt or because it just plain hurts so much to be touched. Be prepared to get so out of control you fear your next cut because you don't know how bad it will be. Just wait for 10 cuts to turn into 100....Be prepared for your entire life to revolve around thinking about cutting ..cutting and covering up cutting And just wait till that first time you cut "too deep." And you freak out because the blood won't stop...and you are gasping....and you feel yourself shaking all over. You are having a panic attack and you are terrified but you can't tell anyone. So you sit there alone...praying it will be ok swearing you'll never let it go this far again...But you will and further. Don't worry, you will learn how to take care of your cuts so that you can go deeper and deeper and avoid the ER. And the better you get at treating your cuts the deeper they get. You will lie to yourself and justify it when you find youself spending 20 , 30 or 50 dollars every time you go the pharmacy. You will feel the flutter of your heartbeat everytime you go to the counter to ring up your order. Butterfly strips...3 or four different kinds of dressings...betadine....antibiotic cream..medical tape..scar reducers.....You will tap your foot impatiently hoping the line will just move and no one will stare at you or wonder why you need all these things. And at the same time secretly hope someone will notice...someone who is standing in line with an armful of the same supplies...someone who understands but of course that never happens. Medical supplies won't be the only thing you spend all your money on. Be prepared to buy a new wardrobe ...longsleeve shirts in summer colors, bracelets, wristbands , boots... gloves..the list goes on and on. You will start looking at everyone in a differnent way...Scanning their bodies for any signs of SI... just hoping that you might meet someone like you so you don't feel so terribly alone. You wont even think about it ..as your eyes scan their wrists arms...hoping just hoping they will be like you....But they are not. You will see their clean arms and feel terribly ashamed and alone. You will start doing a lot of things alone. You will always have to wash your laundry in private so know one sees the blood stains on your clothes and towels. You will always be cleaning up the blood..Scrubbing your bathroom floor...wiping the blood of your keyboard....You won't be able to make it through a day without cutting....Next thing you know you are in a public bathroom somewhere breaking open a scab with a sewing needle that you keep in your wallet for emergencies. When you get really desperate anything will be a cutting tool ...scissors...a car key...a needle ... a paperclip..even a pen. Doesn't matter what it is if you need to cut bad enough you will find something. Say goodbye to things you took for granted. Like wearing shorts or sandals...pedicures...sleeveless tops. A normal summer day at the beach or in a swimming pool will become a far off memory for you. Get ready to itch. Beacuase you will itch and itch ..."so much you will look like you have fleas or a skin disease." You will become an expert on your body as you destroy it carefully.. You will dream about cutting...you will dream about being exposed. It will haunt you day and night and take over your life. You will wish you never made that first cut because while you absolutely HATE cutting...at the same time you love it and can not live with out of it. You've been warned.
It scared me how true it was, so I got up, counted my ribs again, and went to sleep.
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I know how short the actual chapter was, but yeh, I don't care.
Wouldn't it be funny if Stacey Farber and Lauren Collins were poking around the Degrassi fanfiction storiesand ran across some of these pervliscious pieces of writing? And they'd be like, "Paige...and Ellie? Together? No fucking way, you pyscho perverted whores!"
Anyways. And sorry for all of the typos in the warning. I didn't write it, I found it on a website and copy/pasted it so I could save it, because I'm a recovering cutter who hasn't really stop-stopped. Much love,
Zoe